A new service

Schex
I live to deliver.

I'm sure you all have heard of FedEx - the superb delivery system that knows almost every part of the world. I say "almost", because I'm sure they don't quite know Antarctica yet. Anyway, that is beside the point. What I'm trying to introduce to you today is my new service, which is called, as you can see, Schex. (Please don't mispronounce the word - it's a sensitive issue nowadays)

As you can see, the motto is "I live to deliver" - similar to FedEx's "we live to deliver". The reason is simple, and that is because I'm the only person running this business. Put it this way, who the hell has as much rough paper as me to carry out the business? Of the 8kg pile, I've sorted out those which still can be of some use. And since I figured I had so much rough paper, I might as well put it to some good use. So here I am - with Schex. Of course, if you're willing to be my assistant in living to deliver, I will have to change the motto. But so far I have no applicants, so it's just myself and the business. (That cheap prefect from RI - Dillon - doesn't count. Lame shit all talk no action.)

If you haven't figured it out by now, "Schex" simply means "School Express". It's really like "Federal Express", only that mine is carried out within the RJC campus. I might extend my area of service to RI, but that will have to wait. I'll see if I can cope with it in the near future.

Services
(1) Basically, it's a delivering service. If you have a gift and want to pass it to someone, I'll be there to help you pass it to the guy. That is, of course, he is within RJC and you can give me an accurate location. If you don't know his location, I could always help you to look for him. That, of course, comes with extra charge, because it involves harder work.

Rates:
Passing gift to someone: Free
Passing gift to someone not located yet: You buy me a drink or give me the money to buy one

(2) Then of course, you could just sms me if you need some rough paper to do your Maths if you are stuck. I assume you would know your location, so this is another free-of-charge service. But if you tell me you need rough paper and want to play hide-and-seek with me, I'm going to have to demand that you buy me a drink when I pass you the rough papers.

Rates:
Giving out rough papers: Free
Giving out rough papers when you're a bastard: You buy me a drink or give me the money to buy one

(3) Tired of people reading your lovey-dovey smses? Tired of getting suanned by the same bloody f**ker who's been koping your phone to check your Inbox and Outbox? Well, this time you could catch him unawares by suscribing to Schex's letter-writing system! I will gladly write a message for you to your girlfriend for a nominal fee, which is for free. Just dictate what you want to write and I will do it for you. You could even sign off anonymously as a secret admirer, for I will be the one doing the writing anyway. The handwriting will belong to me, so no one will ever know. Oh, and don't worry, Schex's customers' particulars are entirely confidential. I won't leak out any information to anyone.

Though I might laugh at your girlfriend secretly.

But it's worth it, because I will write letters using my very best hotel notepaper that I've koped from various hotels that I've visited in the past few years. Oh, and if you are lucky and have too much money to spend (ie that 10 cents extra), I could always put it in an envelope for you, also courtesy of the hotels I've visited. This offer is only there for a limited period of time (not much stock), so hurry down and get your letters written today! Best handwriting guaranteed.

Rates:
Letter-writing, right hand: Free
Letter-writing, left hand: 10 cents
Letter-writing, hotel notepaper: Free
Letter-writing, hotel notepaper + envelope: 10 cents
If you abuse the system (ie repeated favours): Buy me a meal

(4) Hate this bastard who keeps koping everyone's assignment to copy? Hate this piece of shit who keeps flirting with your girlfriend in front of you? Long to just throw expletives at him? Well, never fear, Schex is always here. If anyone pisses you off and warrants insults being thrown at him, I will gladly do the writing and pass it to him. You do have a choice of coming up with your own insults or I will do it for you. Either way, Schex is always at hand to help you. You could choose to allow replies, or just block him off after he reads the insults. You can be assured that the insults will be hand-delivered to the guy.

Rates:
Insults, right hand: Free
Insults, left hand: 10 cents
If you abuse the system (ie repeated favours): Buy me a meal

(5) Feeling bored? Got no action going on? Well, you could always start a paper ball fight by ordering rough paper from Schex! Will be hand-delivered right to the spot of the battlefield, but action against the delivery boy (ie me) will not be tolerated. This one might have a bit of an extra charge, because I'm delivering paper balls for you to have fun. But don't worry, it's surely within your means.

Rates:
Delivery of paper balls (uncrushed): Free
Delivery of paper balls (crushed): 10 cents (up to 30 balls)

If you would take the time to notice my rates above, you won't see any superscript letters or numbers stating that there are terms and conditions below. Oh no, I'm not like those cheap fags who try to put secret terms and conditions when they put "free". I know some companies have a habit of putting "free", but then under the small print they add "plus two dollars". That is just f**king sly, and I don't believe in that. I believe in delivering, and I believe in customer service. If you would ever get me to write a letter to your loved one, I can guarantee that this information is strictly confidential and will not be revealed to the public. Any information that you supply me is classified unless in extreme circumstances (like you are plotting a terrorist bombing, then no, I will have to report this to higher authorities).

Otherwise, I hope that this service will be of service to you. Rates are very reasonable and affordable, though if you use my system too many times, I expect you to treat me to a meal. After all, it's hard work carrying rough papers here and there. If everyone abuses me, Schex might soon close down and that wouldn't be too good would it? Many jobs would be lost. Think about it. I would lose my letter-writing job, my delivery job, my insulting job, my rough paper job - which amounts to many jobs. So don't let Schex close down, and sustain it along with me.

I'm also appealing to all members of the RJC public who has interest in joining me in this glorious mission. I intend to unite the school by bringing it back to the old days where people hand deliver messages instead of being caught up in technology and smses (it's bad for the eyes and fingers, really). If you've any interest at all, just leave your name and contact number on the tagboard. Application is subject to approval from me. But then again I won't reject you for no good reason.

Finally, if you'd like to give a donation of some kind that you might think will help the company, aka Schex, aka me, you are very welcome to. For one, a big stack of rough papers might not last if everyone is going to abuse the system, so more rough papers on YOUR part is always welcome. If you'd like to donate money for my welfare and for the company, I would thank you very much for the donation.

But let me tell you that only 10% will go to the company and 90% will go to my own personal benefit. Aha! That's the truth of the matter, and I better make myself clear before you say I anyhow misappropriate funds. I say 10% when only 10% goes to the company - I won't lie and tell you some shit about 50% going to the company when the reality is that I value myself more than the company. So don't worry about this if you're donating, at least you know where the money goes. I'm willing to accept donations 24/7, just give me a ring and I'll be there to collect.

Important Note
Schex begins its service after orientation. Please note that the service will not be available during orientation period as I don't intend to be present in RJC then.

With that, I wish you a happy school year ahead (irony) and cheers to our cooperation in the near future!



P.S. Don't you just love Schex?