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Saturday, April 25, 2009

Where in the world is Mas Selamat?

I am very disturbed by the Mas Selamat case. It does not make sense for a man to have disappeared into thin air. Even if he has a huge underground cavern or has escaped to Malaysia, it cannot be that no-one has seen him doing that after he was found missing.

Even the vigilant lions couldn't get him. So where in the world is Mas Selamat?

Well I was striving for an answer, and it came in the most unlikely form: an old Puffin classic by Robert Louis Stevenson: Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

So a little book review for the uninitiated. Dr Jekyll is one who believes in the two-ness of man, speaking of which maybe I should say "Dr Jekyll is TWO who believes in the two-ness of man." Because Dr Jekyll is not actually one, but two.

Anyway the name Jekyll already sounds pretty suspicious. If you were to dissect his name into "je" and "kyll" - "je" being the translation of "I" in French, and "kyll" being a misspelling off the word "kill". Put together: I kill.

Looks like Mr Hyde isn't quite disinclined to do that. Anyway Dr Jekyll believes that there are two sides to a man so he concocts a potion and he becomes another man. I bloody wish I'm able to do that. Imagine how powerful that is.

Still at the end of the day it's a story. And we all know experiments more often end up in failure than in success. Should the two-ness of men and Dr Jekyll's secret recipe really exist, then that AWOL personnel from 42 SAR would have never been found and returned to DB.

Like how Mr Hyde could get away with his crimes, perhaps that is the case with Mas Selamat. He could be among us, he could be anyone around above suspicion. That is the scary bit. And while at first you might be able to get a clue about Mas Selamat, now that he's totally missing there's no telling who was him or who he was.

Sounds confusing?

Well maybe your father was missing during one of their plots. Or maybe while Mas Selamat was in jail you didn't see your best friend at all. Very suspicious. Now that he's totally gone there's nothing to compare with and nothing to assure yourself that you could be right next to him.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

But there is a good side to it. As Dr Jekyll found himself unable to resist turning to Mr Hyde when he ran out of the salt to concoct his brew, maybe Mas Selamat also can't find his solution to turn him back into the evil man that he is.

Oh well, for every action there must be an equal reaction from the opposite direction. Thus for one good man that has turned into a bad man irreversibly, there is a bad man who has turned into a good man irreversibly.

That man is Mas Selamat. Elementary, my dear Watson.

cocked up by YJ at 11:24 PM   ---  2 comments

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Freakonomics

Freakonomics is a book about statistics, and the most interesting deduction it made that stayed in my mind was that lower crime rates were due to the enactment of the right to abort some time back, and the author makes use of statistics to prove that point. He links seemingly non-related stuff to prove that they actually might have causal effects on each other. So i found that case interesting, but it's a pity the rest of the book was such a snore. Freakonomiczzz.

So if i extrapolate that concept, here goes, let's say you're a guy, you're in a public toilet and there's a queue for the urinals. Whether there's a queue or not would seem to have no effect on the amount of time each guy takes. But if you actually stood there and recorded down the time taken, it would probably be faster when there's a queue. Cos who would relish the feeling of someone breathing down their necks while their private parts are public parts? Perhaps with the exception of gays, and even then, very perverted gays. So the emphasis would be to be done as quickly as possible without wetting the pants.

I'm not really sure what relevance the previous paragraph had, but if you've read it, thanks for your patience. Crap aside, we've come to the gist of this post, which is that i've thought of a new economic indicator. There's always doubt as to when the economy is really recovering and when we should invest in stocks, and this is where my indicator is a reliable gauge. You simply have to count the number of people who buy Toto and 4D everyday. The greater the number of people, the worse the recession. Don't believe me? See for yourself, it's a recession now, and you don't see the crowds at singaporepools thinning. In fact, hope springs eternal, so the more desperate the people, the more Toto and 4D they buy. Probability of striking Toto when you buy one combination is 1 out of 8145060 and 1 out of 10000 for 4D for your information. You'd have to be pretty lucky to strike Toto, less so for 4D. Or you could try your luck in another way. Wait for the 10million jackpot, buy all 8145060 combinations, and hope that no one strikes too. Though going by history, that is quite impossible. Somehow, human nature has it that the more desperate the person, the more he will resort to things with low probability of success (getting away with robbing a bank, buying big sweep) Back to the economic indicator, you can plot a graph using the data that you have amassed standing outside singapore pools outlets, preferably with graphmatica, free software for schoolkids. The number of people placing bets is expected to increase with the deterioration of the economy, so when the human traffic falls, be ready to buy some stocks because a market recovery is just around the corner. But as they say, trading is a hard way to make an easy buck.

cocked up by YL at 11:19 PM   ---  0 comments

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Mobile TV Rockz My Sockz!

Seen the advertisement on mobile tv that starts with a sneeze, another sneeze and then warns the public on the dangers of flu? Well i sneezed for real just after the moment that dude on tv does, right into the funky hairdo of the chick sitting in front of me. whoops. She turned around and stared at me with daggers in her eyes, wanting to kill me, and so i took the opportunity to sneeze a second time, a gigantic 'AH-CHOO' right into her bitchy face. And then i gave her my don't-give-me-your-flu look. What a day.

cocked up by YL at 11:30 PM   ---  1 comments

Friday, March 06, 2009

DC: WHAT WOULD HITLER DO (WWHD) IF HE WAS PRESIDENT: A FINAL RESOLUTION TO THE OBESITY (FAT) PROBLEM

A Background

According to the US National Institutes of Health, 66% of all US adults are overweight or obese; 31.4% of all US adults are obese. That comrades, mean that 1 in 3 people you meet on the streets of America looks like this:


















And out of the remaining 2, 1 will look like this:




















Of course, people resembling exhibit A do not usually appear on the streets because it’s such a damn difficult task for them to walk, but NIH stats are NIH stats.

WWHD
Now, imagine if a Mad Scientist miraculously resurrected Herr Adolf and put him in charge of the United States; what would he think?





















And more importantly, what would he do?
Let’s take a look:

1. Make soap.

It was widely believed that the Nazis made soap from Jewish bodies during the War, but this has been officially denied by both Germans and Jews. Maybe human fat was just unsuitable for soap production, or perhaps the concentration camps and forced labour burned off all the fats and there were none left. If it was the latter, then the problem has now been resolved, and a brand new industry is ready to take flight.




















2. Execute invalids.
















"This person suffering from hereditary defects costs the community 60,000 Reichsmark during his lifetime. Fellow German, that is your money, too."


The NIH estimates the cost of obesity to be $117 bn. That comrades, is USD 1.17 x 1011. Fellow Americans, that is your money, too.

3. Ban fattening foods.

According to a 10-things-you-didn’t-know-about-Hitler site, Hitler did this with one of his girlfriends:
She killed herself after being actively pursued by Hitler. He was grief stricken, and felt compelled to attend the autopsy. Afterwards, he refused to eat meat, and took every opportunity to ruin meat for others. He would often make jokes about preparing a pudding made from his blood, and called beef broth "corpse tea"
And allegedly, Hitler regularly ate up to two pounds of chocolate a day, in addition to pastries and hot chocolate with copious amounts of whipped cream. He generally took his tea with seven
teaspoons of sugar, and Ernst Hanfstaengl once witnessed Hitler adding spoonfuls of sugar to a glass of red wine.

Given the tendency demonstrated in excerpt 1 and the habit in excerpt 2, it would be no surprise if he outright banned soda, whipped cream, whoppers, nachos, etc, etc. and prohibited the sale of food to individuals over a certain BMI. This should instigate a massive lobbying campaign from major F&B industry players, but the SS is really good at negotiating quick, quiet and peaceful resolutions to such problems, especially if the CEO was a Jew, so it’s A-OK.
4. Sabotage the enemy.
Obesity is a debilitating affliction. Allegedly, 16% of US army men are obese and obesity is the top cause of discharge of soldiers from service. If a weapon could be developed that made all the enemy fat, any war could then be easily won!





















-dc

cocked up by YL at 12:26 AM   ---  0 comments

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Article Review (from The Sun)

It's that time of the year again, when I feel very politician-like. This gives me a need to comment on some social issues. You see, there aren't any elections going around, so perhaps that explains why I feel that way.

The Sun (go wiki it yourself lazy bitch) is a British paper more known for its page 3 than anything else. But a good friend of mine brought to my attention about this 13-year-old father and it seemed very amusing. After all some people only mature at 13, and in fact that could have well been the case.

I was enraptured by this little crazy bastard. The starting went something like this:

BOY dad Alfie Patten yesterday admitted he does not know how much nappies cost — but said: “I think it’s a lot.”

Sounds like a typical quote you could get from a normal dumb jock American. But this reply is more classic than saying Singapore is in China, because at least that's an attempt to smoke - but this is displaying open stupidity.

The link is http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece, go have a read before you continue otherwise it wouldn't make any sense. Either way if you don't that's okay because I'm going to quote some really good ones from there.

But you should have a look at the picture. The girl is rather ugly in my opinion so who in the right mind would want to have underage sex with her. That's an unnecessary risk for an unnecessary girl. Though of course they can't charge the boy because he's underage too. What the heck.

Oh wait, but maybe under British law they aren't underage. This however doesn't change the fact that their minister does not condone it.

Alfie's story, broken exclusively by The Sun today has sparked a huge political storm with Tory leader David Cameron saying: "When I saw these pictures this morning, I just thought how worrying that in Britain today children are having children.

"I hope that somehow these children grow up into responsible parents but the truth is parenthood is just not something they should be thinking about right now."

"Children are having children" - I like that. But the British minister is some spoilsport. Who says a 13-year-old cannot be responsible? After all life is a learning process and in certain instances you have to be thrown into the deep end to learn. So how is that worrying?

If that should happen in Singapore and if I were a minister I would be more like, "Encouraging parenthood at an early age will better equip modern-day teenagers with skills they could use in the future. Also as it solves our growing population problems, I don't really see it as a problem. In fact young enterprising parents should be given bonuses for the kind act of delivering lives unto this world."

By having kids at 13 and assuming your child has similar genes, it means one can be a grandparent by the age of 26. Then you can 共享天伦。(enjoy familial ties) And speaking of which if this goes on you could be a great-great-great-grandparent by the age of 65 and that would truly bring out the meaning in 传宗接代。What's not to like about that?

And there won't be worries of having an ageing population. Oh no, I think young Alfie Patten has just found the solution to our "greying population" miles and miles away. Some might argue that the economic crisis has made it more difficult to raise kids, but if you ask me is your money or your family more important?

Money = Gone when you're dead
Family = Generations to come even after you're dead

So I would suggest that if you're already past the age of 13 and all grown-up, it's not too late to make a positive difference to the lives of young Singaporeans. Teach your children the value of sex early, and the moment they teeter on the brink of their teenage years you can get them to screw the neighbour. "Love thy neighbour", did they not say?

And poof, many many generations to come!

Nevertheless the article ends with an anti-climax, like wtf because:

Britain’s youngest known father is Sean Stewart. He became a dad at 12 when the girl next door, 15-year-old Emma Webster, gave birth in Sharnbrook, Bedford, in 1998. They split six months later.

Now this is a fricking joke gone bad because that increases the chance the kid would grow crazy due to his broken family. And by the way I do hope this Emma Webster looks at least similar to Emma Watson or otherwise it might be another case of young boys screwing ugly young girls because they want to explore the birds and the bees.

But all that said, I was still compelled to find out what had driven this little boy to do such an outrageous act. I mean, even though it's not necessarily a bad thing, it remains a very rarely-seen thing and it's one of the more extreme cases of the world. Needless to say I got the answer through careful inspection of the article.

Here it is:

Dennis, who works for a vehicle recovery firm, described Alfie as “a typical 13-year-old boy”.

He said: “He loves computer games, boxing and Manchester United.”

Well, no f**king wonder, then.

cocked up by YJ at 5:33 PM   ---  0 comments

Sunday, March 01, 2009

dc : The Meaning of Life

What is the meaning of life? There is no answer. Why? Because the question is stupid, that’s why.

Think about it: what on earth do we (no pun) mean by the meaning of life? A symbol has a meaning; a sentence has a meaning, but life? The fact is, ‘meaning’ is not an attribute something like ‘life’ can possess. Indeed, the question is akin to asking: what is the meaning of an orange?

Many claim to know an answer to this ubiquitous question, but they are mistaken. ‘Love thy neighbor’ is not the meaning of life; ‘be happy’ is not the meaning of life. These are directions on how to live your life, not its intrinsic meaning. “Step on the gas and control the wheel” and “just floor it” are how to drive a car, not the meanings of a car. You may think, “Wtf is a meaning of a car!?” I could ask you the same about life.


Contributed by dc (because we're lazy)



cocked up by YL at 2:10 PM   ---  0 comments

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

The most wonderful ideas come out of the toilet bowl

It occurred to me that the ideas that I have that i find the most interesting, almost invariably comes when i'm doing something mundane. Such as studying for the A levels. Or pushing paperwork. Or, as the title of this entry suggests, sitting in the toilet. In fact, the existence of this blog itself might have to thank some common test. And it's probably during one of these zen-like sessions that I came up with the following observations that are often taken for granted, in our everyday lives and concluded that our lives simply don't make sense.

Have you ever wondered why they don't bother building a fence around HDB estates? It's cos we're poor, nothing much to steal. We pity the poor no-lifer who has to steal from HDB occupants. We might even give away some stuff to you, and then say hi to you when we meet again in the Toto queue!

Moving on, have you ever wondered why there's a fence around condominiums? Cos there's stuff to steal. Lounge chairs, gym equipment, table tennis tables, even pool tables. Or you could use detergent and wash clothes in the condo swimming pool, since nowadays water very expensive and wash clothes need a lot a lot of water.

So, why are the fences around landed properties usually so low?
Requires a bit more brainpower, but that's obviously because they have so much that they know you can't possibly take enough to to hurt them in any significant way. In other words, burglars, please help yourselves. Thinking for the burglar, I would think that it's very labour-intensive to keep carting furniture to the hideaway. The logistics involved (getaway lorry) would be much of a headache, which is rather unnecessary as we shall see. The 3G (3rd generation) burglar will scale the wall with a high-resolution handycam in hand. He proceeds to take videos of the occupants in sex positions at night. And if the shooting angle is wrong or some cock-up (wah punz) such that he needs a reshoot, he can just shout, "EH CB CAN DO IT PROPERLY OR NOT!", and siam for a while. The involved occupants may be startled and may go around looking for the burglar, but they won't find him la, if he knows how to camouflage properly. If he don't know means he chaokeng during ns. So after a futile search, the occupants (actually might as well call them pornstars) will go back to their room uneasily. But that's not the end of the story, cos according to an expert (lazy so i only find one)
http://www.counterpunch.org/block10292005.html, sex and fear seem to go hand in hand, so all the fear will make them do it again and the burglar can then climb out and do a reshoot. Then the burglar tries to sell the saucy video back to the participants. Some people call it blackmail. whatever. If the people buy it, it's a win-win situation, because otherwise, the burglar wouldn't get anything except police arrests if they post it online. Who else would want to see it anyway?

Another thing about modern society is how much we waste energy. I don't mean all of us should take on the big projects like Al Gore's movie that don't really help much, in fact i think it makes the matter worse. We should seek to understand why people today:

a) run on the treadmill, but drive for the shortest distances
and then complain that cars pollute the earth

b) Lift weights, but abhor manual labour
With such contribution to the world, it's no wonder the earth is in such a sorry state

This almost makes me want to invent foot-powered wheelchairs and solar-powered torchlights.

And here's something that boggles the mind: http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22556281-661,00.html

cocked up by YL at 10:38 PM   ---  1 comments

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