Left for Dead

My situation: stay out, subject to no work.

So that's more or less like I'm a part of the normal Singapore workforce, unlike most people studying. I've learnt a lot, and the things to hate about work. Like meetings. Many scenarios can happen after a meeting is scheduled:

Meeting cancelled: yeeeyy

Fall sick and stay home: yeyy

Assuming that both of these don't happen, be prepared for a rather shitty time, with bullshit being the main focus. It generally starts out fine, everyone's optimistic many things can resolved somehow by more talking heads, talking heads that never appear except for meetings with a big boss. But when the agenda drags on for more than half an hour, morale dips to 'cb another dedication of my life to my country' levels and everyone sits a little lower in their chairs. Then, you watch with horror as everyone starts to morph into zombies. You, my friend, are the survivor, and here's where my new characters for the computer game Left for Dead comes in.

The Bull: Works like the character Boomer, but instead of spewing a disgusting, sticky goo, this one emanates shit like nobody's business. bullshit. Usually starts with "i think we can blahblahblah..." or "In my previous unit, we did blahblahblah..." You know that's an enormous catastrophe, it's like you see the asteroid casting a shadow as it comes crashing into earth and you just cross your trembling fingers and hope that the bullshit doesn't land splat in your face. The bull usually spawns close to Legolas (see below)

Ultimate move: Bullshit Storm
This is a sad way to die as your spirit, your intelligence, your dignity are all crushed mercilessly by the tonnes of bullshit falling from the sky. You are finally covered, and not a trace of you can be seen.

The Finger A: The finger A says "Oh this thing is X do one. You can ask him about that." or " Oh i thought X was supposed to do that as we agreed on during the last meeting" (X may be a zombie too so in that case you can watch a zombie-fight for once!). But sometimes this isn't a wise move because it's so directly confrontational. And what if the minutes prove it wrong? Then the finger would be pointing back at itself!

Ultimate move: Finger Stab
If you get this, you end up with holes all over your body from the finger stabs. From those holes, pple know they can fuck you.

The Finger B: The finger B is a more evolved version of the finger B and has an attribute of 20 for subtlety. It says, "I take full responsibility for the shit that happened... but actually it's his fault not my fault" The absurdity of this sentence is sometimes clouded by the zombie-ish setting. It's like saying," I'm sorry but actually i'm not sorry"

Ultimate move: Finger Stab (with longer fingernail than above)
See above, with twice the damage.

The Brain: woah this zombie is smart. Somehow through gossip and stuff, this zombie actually knows everything that's going on, but that doesn't mean it has done anything about it. But because it knows everything, it is assumed it did or was involved in the work. Nobody can lift a finger against the brain because it just knows too much.

The Goat: The goat is the noobiest of the zombies. Most of the time, it gets the blame for every shit that happens. The goat must be in the unique position that its not junior enough to "act blur live longer" and not senior enough to "wah lau it's all my stupid insubordinate subordinate's fault". So why should you fear the goat? Because the goat's bleatings can be damn irritating, like a witch's screech. The goat will say stuff like this," so now everything is my fault loh, but I did so and so and -tonnes of excuses later- proceeds to gore you with horns if you walk away. And of course you, the cynical you, will be thinking to yourself, "Now you're bleating yourself silly about the shit that happens to you when all you've been doing is leaving crap all over the place."

Ultimate move: Death Bleat

Legolas
Handsome, dashing Legolas is the champion of the show. Shooting arrows all over the place, this is the man you need to keep clear of, or keep within ass-kissing distance of, depending on what type of person you are. The undoubted leader, his fearsome arrows put the fear of god into the hearts of all present.

Ultimate move: Arrow Fury
You die a horrible death, with arrows sticking through all of your body

Your job, being the survivor, is as the name suggests, to survive. Though it's not easy, i wish you luck! And because my inexperience has limited my imagination, i recommend that you read Dilbert for the ultimate survival guide!

Fairytale ending?

After watching the final episode of The Little Nyonya, I thought I'd seen the last of that sobby show. Not that it was a bad show, in fact I quite enjoyed it. Just that I thought yes it's over finally time to get on with my life and stop being addicted.

Well, not quite.

Wednesday's report in the papers said that viewers kpkb that the ending was NO GOOD. That Chen Xi and Yueniang didn't end up together, wtf!! So no fairytale ending = bad ending!!

I was stunned to read that some viewer actually cried when she found out they were separated. Okayy... even though I won't say I've never cried in my life, I certainly don't do it over a serial. Or for a movie, for that matter (because I'm not Emolin).

Anyway who said it wasn't a happy ending. Did they not see the joy on Yueniang's face when the Caucasian proposed to her? Since she's already half Jap it doesn't hurt mixing more Caucasian blood into the gene pool. It's common knowledge mixed kids usually turn out smarter than most, and more handsome than most.

So how the eff is that a poor ending? Plus Chen Xi and his wife had SIX kids. SIX KIDS LE... it's like they had SIXXX so much that they had half a dozen worth of kids. Can play 5-a-side rugby with one waterboy/reserve. How is that a bad ending?

Next time I urge ST to be more discretive when they wish to air the views of the audience. It's so retarded I was like roflmao when I opened the Life! spread. Although it made my day - so actually ST should publish more of such articles.

Tonight they will play the alternative ending to "The Little Nyonya" - where Chen Xi and Yueniang get together. That is awful rubbish, since we know that these ideal situations seldom happen in life. Life sucks, and the viewers ought to face it.

Who said Yueniang liked Chen Xi in the first place anyway? If she really did she would not have rejected him so many times. Forcing Yueniang to marry Chen Xi would be akin to letting Yuzhu marry Robert Zhang - an unhappy marriage leading to JACK SHIT.

Therefore I feel that the original ending was ideal.

As for whether Yueniang is fireproof..

..who gives a damn, it's a bloody show for show's sake.

Okay now I'm off to catch the 5-minute special edition where they get together. Just to satisfy some retarded viewers' cravings. Ahahaha I would have blogged longer but too bad, service to the nation right after the 5-minute edition.

Next week I'll try to blog earlier. lol

Wanted: VIDEOCAM

YL and I wanted a videocam for very important purposes, and we know not of many who has one. In fact, we only know of one person. Since both of us don't have videocams (in case I didn't say that earlier, which I didn't), we decided to approach him for a very important loan.

In order to fulfil our very important purpose.

For anonymity purposes, our friend is named as c, the constant in our equation. I'm J for short, then obviously the YL is L.

How To Persuade A Good Friend To Lend You Something
And How To Hedge A Subject
And Talk A Lot Of Cock On The Way There
(edited and modified)

j- hello.
c- yoyo.
l- hey c we need you very badly.
(that's persuasion due to desperate need)

c- ya right.
l- okay more specifically we need your videocam.
(now he's coming clean..)

c- you want my wife then say so.
l- we know you come with your camera..
j- that's wrong. you COME with your WIFE?
(that's talking cock, by the way)

c- so who you want to spy on? hot chicks?
j- eh lets go lanning this sat. (diverting subject)
c- no i can't lan
j- eh i owe you money anyway
c- u do?
j- no i meant yl
l- lol
(time wastage due to talking cock. we're good)

j- back to the topic! videocam! you're not using it?
c- no.. why you using it for?
j- eh yl but we not much time le.. (i'm super unfocused)
c- just get straight to the point!
j- sorry i'm like arsenal. (c's an arsenal fan)
l- we got all the time in the world..
j- i dribble.. i hang around.. shoot everywhere except the goal..
j- wave to the fans.. (pushing my luck..)
l- arsenal can't win.
(negative example. please don't insult the guy's favourite team if you want a favour.)

c- LOL quick. what you need my cam for?
l- so what do you think we need it for?
(questioning techniques.)

l- is it edible?
j- is it sexable?
j- man needs two basic things. FOOD! SEX!
c- oh. so you need to film some porn shit.
j- maybe porn. but SHIT? that's just gross.
c- you guys won't take pics of food. that's just gay.
c- but you might film shit. (ouch..)

l- c asks the best questions possible..
c- i don't get it. i must be fortune's fool. (which was his nick)
j- well acc to your nick you ARE fortune's fool..
c- okay i get it. YOU GUYS JUST WANT ME.
c- NOT MY CAMERA. LEAVE MY WIFE ALONE.
(gee.. such an accusation, i was real hurt man.)

l- yea. so that's settled then.
l- okay the gist is that..
c- lan on saturday?
(see what talking cock and hedging the issue has done..)

l- (ignoring c) you asked what we wanted your video cam for..
l- which of course would be to make videos.
l- but you still asked.
c- (exasperated?) yeah i mean what kind of videos =.=

(then i start the nonsense all over again.)
j- wait i thought you said you couldn't lan?
l- okay we want to make a video that entertains, in a way thats acceptable to us
(now he's being really specific.)
c- just have me inside. that's good enough =)=)
j- LOL YOU SAID IT BETTER NOT REGRET

(note: last time i posted sth about c online this girl fell madly in love with him.)

c- HAHA FUCK U LOL
c- you gonna post it on TCS? (oops.)
l- that's interesting. you can teach everyone how to chase a girl.
c- speak for yourself yl you're the girl killer! (tables are turned!)
c- you're the girl killer. every girl on the __________ had a crush on you!

Editor's note: Sensitive information! But it's true there was one period of time there was this indeterminate number of girls having a crush on YL. Or maybe all the while. Unfortunately mesdemoiselles he's already taken, so sorry. Back to the convo.

l- yea. but that wasn't funny.
j- LOL. (wasn't it.)
l- we need entertainment.
c- well u try charming the rj canteen aunties. tell them they're on film and they are very pretty. and flirt with them. and try to get a discount. if u dun piss them off by paying in 5 cents coins.

Editor's note: I did that once. They weren't pleased. Ah and I meant paying in 5 cents coins, not the flirting bit LOL.

l- that's just mean, and we're not in sch anymore.
l- you want to try cookhouse aunties?
c- no. its they who want to try me.
l- now you're starting (the digression).

convo suddenly degens and we're talking about who's going to camp tomorrow and whatnot. it gets really bad until c pulls us all back into the convo.

c- i can lend you all. but you all never say how long, when, why..
l- like saf logbook like that..
l- make video for tcs la!!

And that concludes our conversation, because the purpose had been revealed.

Hope you learnt something there.