The Malaysian Kronikels (dua)

dua.
Living up in the mountains without Potions wasn't a permanent solution (okay that's a pun, because potions are solutions). I had to buy Potions, but not from Team Rocket up there who seemed only concerned with their own survival and robbing tourists of their ringgits.

So it seemed inevitable that I had to make my way to the capital, Kuala Lumpur, aka KL, aka Kenneth Leong city. Oh, and it happens to be located in the state of Elango, the state of Selangor. I had to go there because after all, it's the capital and K Leong seems a very capital type of guy, so I went into KL with high expectations.

Something like this, since KL has two very high buildings, namely Menara Kuala Lumpur (KL Tower) and the ever-so-famous Petronas Twin Towers:

This is the Twin Towers through tainted glass of KL Tower.

This is the Twin Towers from the cock who managed to fly up there. I'm the blue dot down there, though of course you can't see me very clearly. I wore blue that day.

And there you have the tower with tainted glass. It's located on a hilltop 90m up and the entrance is virtually hidden. I don't understand how so many tourists got up there, but I climbed up all the way and almost died on the way up. More on that later.

So as you can see, KL is a very "high" city. But even so not everything about it is perfect. In fact, if you'd like some reality for yourself, it's far from it.

When I first stepped into the hotel which I was going to be staying in, which I will not identify for identification purposes, I got a shock at their bad English. It extends beyond their newspapers, though unless of course they did it on purpose and for tourists to have a laugh. Either that or they really meant to just give you ONE SINGLE GREETING.

Merry Christmas, anyone?

Well of course that was no big deal. After all, it's the thought that counts and I was pretty much impressed that they had bothered to put up these decorations everywhere when Christmas is still quite a while away. Okay maybe not, since time is like a bird and usually flies faster than you would expect. The next thing I noticed was the "Events Today". There was this funky thing that caught my eye.

Penang Suite 2: Gathering between Mr Kenneth Leong and Ms Regina Mok.

Surely there was no need to announce that to the public!! And I almost laughed considering the name put there, and the fact that we were in KL. No offence to the real Kenneth Leong (unless he's the one doing the meeting), but I think it is rather unnecessary to announce all these. After all, if these two were dating, why the hell do you announce it? They are either desperate attention seekers or the one doing the "Events Today" is a sneaky bastard.

And sorry no picture because of its proximity to the security guards and the reception counter. I also didn't have the camera with me then. But then again all of you know that I won't lie, because I'm no Danny and Danny lies! a lot. I am telling the truth, most certainly, so just take my word for it.

Up to the hotel room, and I must say it was nothing like the mountain suites. I know the city is anytime more congested than a mountain resort, but the view was shat and so was the room space. I could reach one side of the room to the other in just three steps, and I'm no athlete. Soma Sundram Shivanesh could make it in two, which really says a lot about the damn room.

Here's the "wonderful" view from our room, which gives an excellent and panoramic view of the beautiful city of Kuala Lumpur:

I took the better room, by the way. I happened to see another room and you know what the view was? ALL WHITE, and if you look to the left you see the hotel staircase. Not a very entertaining sight, if you know what I mean. Other than facing four walls in your hotel room, you could always face an additional wall outside! Whoo, that's like so cool! I'm starting to think that the hotel might actually be the Woodbridge of KL.

Anyway, after admiring the view, I decided to do some koping. Opening some little folder, I found the traditional hotel notepaper and the pen. Now I've an overload of stationery at home but I could always get more to loan out. This was when something caught my eye. Some bastard damaged my hotel notepaper!! He, bloody baskit, wanted to make a complaint and in the end wrote so hard the imprint lasted all the way to the next piece of notepaper, which incidentally I still have now.

Curiosity might kill the cat, but I'm no cat.

I've totally no idea how many Pa he applied while writing that letter, but all I know is that I have a C (carbon) copy of it now!! Jackass. I know you can't see the words very clearly here, and it doesn't matter because I can using the real piece of paper and a microscope, though of course I didn't read it under the sun. It took me a while before I could decipher that shit and I soon realised it was a COMPLAINT LETTER. It was highly hilarious, because I read something about "misplaced luggage" and "very unhygenic" and "spoilt my trip" - and to top everything off he left his address somewhere in the letter (I think).

Oh, wouldn't Sherlock be proud of me!!

Maybe I could write to him saying what I thought of his complaint. It sounded silly and I bet it is. No problem writing to him, because now I'm equipped with a hotel pen, hotel notepaper and hotel envelopes. I'll find a way around the stamps, maybe just hand deliver the shit to the hotel or get someone else to do it. If you are going to Malaysia in the next week, then just inform me and do me a favour ya? If I cannot write back to the silly complain king, then I'm going to write back a similar complaint to the hotel and see what they say. Use the same wording and everything, and see what happens.

Hmm they all sound very interesting. And I still have the letter with me up to this day just for reference. You could come see it one day if you please, it's a joke really.

But letters and room with views aside, let us move on.

I'm astonished with the jokes KL City can provide. Because the KL Monorail goes TWO WAYS, North and South. Now if you know the meaning of "mono", such as in "monomer", you will understand that anything with the prefix "mono-" means one, or singular. Then this singular rail of KL actually goes two ways?!?! If you don't believe it, check it out for yourself. The KL Monorail goes two ways. They could come up with a sign like this.

KL MONORAIL

GOES IN TWO DIRECTIONS

Their language just amuses me a lot, but in any case their transport system is still quite okay. Their coverage is quite extensive and covers about almost everywhere in KL. The only downside is that they have a few rail systems run by different operators! Some above ground, some underground, some on the ground, I don't know how it even works.

And oh, I didn't know one of our dear friends from RI even owned a part of KL.

For those not very well-versed in Malay, "nanas" means pineapple. I don't think you even need to be well-versed to know this fact, because I know the word "pineapple" in almost ten languages. I'm no linguist, I'm just a fagut in this sense.

And well, if you were looking for how this mono-train looks like, I've a picture here. Taken along with a yandao security guard or whatever he is.

That's presenting to you the rail systems in KL. It's still not too bad, except for the fact that you cannot buy tickets in bulk, which is very irritating if you are travelling with many others. At least Singapore MRT offers this feature when you buy single tickets, but in KL you either use your Tap-Kad or you buy them one by one.

Other than that, the system is pretty similar to Singapore. Their aircon works. Check that out one day, it's quite cool in their version of the MRT. Seriously, their trains is something I don't mind taking.

However, another aspect of their transport is very screwed up.

Earlier on, I mentioned about almost dying while going up to KL Tower, and actually I almost died going down from it also. That is because they have a crazy network of roads, and their drivers are bloody ruthless bastards!! Even though it's plain as day that the trafik lights are working, there MUST be this silly policeman from the Trafik Departmen giving stupid signs. As a result, after I crossed half the road (jaywalking, I admit), I was immoblised. Shit, after two red lights, the trafik police was still flagging for all the cars to go past. And I was just standing in the middle trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

No picture here, because if I took a picture then I would have died. That is most certainly without a doubt. The drivers there don't give you any chance either, they just swerve and drift as if they were playing Need For Speed or Daytona USA. Bloody baskit, no wonder they can host F1. Think they all great F1 wannabes and want to be like that Alex driver guy for Minardi, but since they can't show it in Sepang, they come to KL to show it to the tourists.

I got f**king traumatised afterwards.

On a typical day in KL, there is always a perenial jam. I suppose it's all thanks to the silly 7-Eleven stores and the petrol stations around. All of them "BUKA 24 JAM" (open 24 hours) or just simply "24 JAM". Jam here, jam there, in the end what you really get is a massive traffic JAM clogging up the city. See, what's so good about having 24-hour shit when you get traffic JAMS all over the place?

Oh by the way, guitar players, KL might be a good place for jamming - you could go check it out one day. And for confectionery lovers, I'm sure you also know where to go for the early morning spread on your bread. (that rhymes!)

Anyway, jams aside, I have this snapshot that doesn't say really a lot, only a jam in the other lane, but then again that was on a Saturday when everyone working in KL goes back to their hometown for the weekend. Friday nights are the worst, they only serve to give you heart attacks. Those with weak heart problems, better not go to KL.

Looks can deceive, and this one most certainly does.

Next time you curse someone to get knocked down by a car, just curse him "I hope you land up in the middle of the road in KL!" Timing is crucial, a second earlier or later, you're dead. Now I appreciate Singapore's reckless drivers, because though reckless, they don't drive to kill. Either that or I'm just a n00b in crossing roads overseas. Or in the case of Malaysia, overstraits.

So I almost died approximately thirty-seven times in KL, because that's the number of roads I crossed. Six times I was on the brink of death when I stood right in front of the car, but it's either 1) I run off or 2) the car brakes. And I'm still alive now thinking that I deserve a cert for being SURVIVOR. Whatever, all you have to know is Singapore is already damn safe as compared to Malaysia. I don't know about other countries, but don't try your luck and take no chances.

Despite the bad trafik, I cannot deny that KL is a great place for shopping. Damn wide selection and very reasonable prices. Even though I'm no shopper in Singapore, I turned into one for half an hour in KL, before going back to the bookshop to read free books. Everything is cheaper than in Singapore, and the only question is HOW MUCH cheaper. I got conned into buying a few things that were of the higher-end in KL, but in the end they were still cheaper than Singapore. You can't get much better shopping elsewhere.

Lastly, I think I must mention the Night Market they have. Very violent place with a lot of violent people. I thought I had avoided this certain breed of people by taking a hike to Malaysia, but wasn't I surprised when I was approached by a NEW AGE ROBBER!

So damn it, the trend is indeed spreading!! I really don't understand why the hell must I do surveys overstraits when I don't even do it at home, so naturally I walk away. But these robbers are more persistent, kind of like the houseflies and the mozzies there. I then had no choice but to run away, and 摩肩接踵 amidst this huge shitty crowd. What the hell man, New Age Robbers have already extended their reach to the big landmass north of here. That's really very alarming.

Night market was very interesting - but I didn't bring a kamera because I was feeling very konfident that someone would kope it right in that crowd. Unless you have high tolerance and don't mind taking the chances of being molested, I suggest you stay away from that stupid place. It's called Petaling Street and though the bargains there are seriously irresistable, the crowds there are impenetratable. To get from one end of the street to the other, I would have already finished four Maths CT papers. Didn't manage to buy anything, and Fe-ically everything there was damn cheap.

Oh well, thus ended my trip. After the night market, I was on my way home the next day. There happened to be one very irritating bitch on the bus who reminded me of a certain female teacher, because of her loud mouths and her BLOODY STUPID complaints. But never mind that, I was going home and no silly bitch was going to spoil my mood.

The trip home went something like this:

3pm - State of Elango: SELANGOR, so finally we left the state of security guards. The state of very irritating security guards who seems to like riding bicycles, which are in abundance in KL.

3:45pm - Negeri Sembilan (NS), which incidentally translated to English reads Ninth State, which also has the same initials. However, surprisingly, Negeri means State and Sembilan means Nine. So the words are reversed but not the initials. Very funny logic.

4:20pm - Melaka, and I think I've drank too much water and koped too much BOH teabags coming from the Cameron Highlands, that's what it states.

4:50pm - Johor, and I'm starting to feel the efffects.

5:50pm - Yong Peng, Johor. Rest stop, and a big mistake by going into the toilet. I could have gone into the petrol station opposite but I couldn't hold it any longer. I mean it, if you ever stop there you NEVER go into the damn toilets. Bloody tandas just there to piss you off, and this has literal meaning - both the phrases "bloody tandas" and "piss you off". I'm dead serious about this.

6:50pm - We leave bloody toilets behind.

8:15pm - Relief. Checkpoint. Bidding goodbye to the big landmass and thanking whoever was involved in August 9, 1965.

8:30pm - Customs. Obviously nothing happened, I'm no Nguyen dipshit.

9:30pm - Alighted the bus. A lot of stuff to carry.

10:00pm - Home. The first thing I did was still to boil water, just as I did for the days before.

I don't know what might come out of all these observations in Malaysia, perhaps if you're travelling there you could get a rough impression of what Malaysia is like. I have absolutely no intention of deterring anyone from visiting, but because it's Truly Asia, I feel obliged to tell the truth about the country. Of course, I might be the exception rather than the norm, and I also hope very much that I am. Not everything there is that bad, really, but readers prefer to read bad things than good, isn't it? There is minimal exaggeration in whatever I say, but nothing that I've written down here is very far from the truth.

In the end, I'll just let you decide for yourself whether to believe me or not. And despite saying that going to Malaysia is a learning experience, I don't think whatever I learnt there can be applied at all, except if I go back again, which I don't think I will in the near future.

All I know is that learning or not, I somehow come back to Singapore feeling more patriotic. Don't ask me why, it's just this feeling that I get.

I'll end the Malaysian Kronikels here.

I LOVE YOU, SINGAPORE!!!