New Age Robbers

I wonder if you've gone down to Orchard Road or Junction 8 recently?

Have you been observing the surroundings around you?

Oh, sorry. On second thoughts, you don't need to do that. They will approach you.. and by "they", I mean the New Age Robbers. This time, they are back with alleged backing of the police force in Singapore. They won't tell you "money or life", or "hand over your money before I slit your neck". In fact, it's nothing close to that.

A common phrase that they usually utter is, "Sorry, but I won't take you a minute of your time. I'm not selling anything, and I'm not asking you to donate."

Though of course we all know they ARE doing neither. They are robbing us. Either that, or they are just asking us to donate to some funny fund of theirs - in which case they are lying if they told you earlier, "I'm not asking you to donate."

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not against this sort of thing. But these robbers are getting so forceful nowadays I have no choice but to call them robbers. I once met this girl at Orchard Road (think she's a year or so younger than me) who marched up to me and demanded that I listen to her. After wasting a minute or so, I told her I had no money and she told me to "go borrow". LOL I WAS MEETING SOMEONE AT WISMA AND SHE TELLS ME "GO BORROW"? Now she was not only making me late, she was getting on my nerves as well. So I just walked off and she sulked fiercely the way Jay Chou does. She also mouthed the word "fuck", which she thought I couldn't see.

Well, I could (see her mouthing invectives), and that's what I'm pissed about. I'm not obliged to donate, for goodness sake, and it's not my fault I've no money. Perhaps if you'd give me some money to donate, I would. But you don't, so don't ask me to donate.

There was another instance at Junction 8 where I saw this young male robber. He marched up to Asif, Ihtimam and me, and we happen to be harmless boys who just wanted to make our way to the MRT. We decided to humour him a little, and asked if it was about family planning. He kept talking cock though, and said it was for a good cause; but when we asked him if it was family planning, he replied no. Well, if that was the case, we couldn't well donate to a cause we didn't believe in, did we? I mean family planning is important, we cannot just let everyone have rampant sex romps, or there would be population explosion and too little food in Singapore. Since the guy refused to be from family planning, we couldn't give him any money.

He gave a Jay Chou-like face as well. You waste my time, I waste yours. Tit for tat, innit? He even claimed he had a licence from the police and showed it to us, and his licence happened to be beside his Burger King vouchers. I tried asking him if he would give us some if we donated, but he just blatantly ignored the question. If he's that rude with that sort of a bad attitude, how could he want us to do our part for his lousy little organisation? Plus, with that sort of shit in his folder, I'd bet the licence only came from his Canon printer at home. If it isn't Canon, then it must be Hewlett Packard. That guy just SIMPLY has no originality.

Nevertheless, in saying so much, there's only one lesson to learn from it. They are just bloody robbers and don't believe them even if they've got a licence. We don't know how a real licence looks like anyway, so we can't just take their word for it and swallow it all down the way fat arseholes do to Big Macs.

I suggest we teach the New Age Robbers in their own way.

The first way is to just waste their time and keep talking to them. Don't give them a chance to talk, just convince them you've got no damn money at all. If they turn violent, call the police. Then if they've got a fake licence, the police could deal with that as well. Two birds, one stone.

The second way is to get some T-shirts printed at Penin or whatever. I know this might be difficult, but I think these shirts (designed by me, of course) are going to be real hits all over the country once they are out. After all, it might save you a lot of trouble and a lot of misunderstanding.

Here are the various designs you can select from:

1) Direct, yet apologetic (for those not wishing to offend anyone):


2) Direct, yet unrepentant (for those who'd like to make their stand clear):


3) Lying (or for some people, maybe not); and for this one you'd really have to try to make the shirt torn and tattered to make it look realistic:


4) Direct, and effective (it's like using Poké Dolls on Pokémon, hit-and-run):


5) Direct, and violently offensive (don't try unless you're big sized or have big balls):


I can assure you, design 5 will cause a sensation running throughout the whole country. It's just the truth anyway, and it often hurts. So you can't blame anyone if you are forced to wear those T-shirts, because those beggars forced you to.

In any case, I like design 4 best. You just have to dodge the robber, and then run off. He/She will definitely read the words emblazoned behind. Bloody good, no? Only thing about it you must be damn fast, so they won't be able to rip your shirt and then ask you to donate. Don't forget that they are robbers, after all.

So, who knows of a good shirt printer? I can't wait to get my designs printed now. Haha.

Or if any of you would like to submit a design that you think is suitable for everyone to wear, just send it to our email, talkcocksummit@yahoo.com.sg. We'd really like to hear from you, as we have been hearing nothing but silence for the past few months (okay except for one person who sent us some mail, thankfully). The rest of you, it would really be nice if we could get a thing or two from you. Don't worry, you'll be acknowledged here and be given the due recognition.

Even if you don't feel comfortable doing so, just don the shirt someday. I'm sure it would be great to finally give something back to those robbers out there.

Oh well, I guess that's it for now. Remember to just tell me if you know of any real cheap shirt printers - because I really do want to get some of those designs out. And maybe if time permits before the end of the holidays, we could have an outing specially just to spite those robbers.

So join the anti-robber movement!

Away with fake charities, and printed licences from home!