TCS 2005

As the year closes, let us take a walk down Cock Lane to find out what we've been really up to. All the 里程碑 of this blog, you will find it listed here. The best we've came up with, the trouble we went through - you'll find all of them in this post. Basically, it's just to round off the year so hope you enjoy it.

We've been up and running since 20th August this year, which means we are currently 134 days old. So as you can see, we are still young and won't stop talking cock anytime soon.

And the hit counter has been up for 116 days, registering 13840 hits, which means that we get around 119 hits (rounded down) a day! Thanks for your support, but we'll be pleased if you could support us more. We aim to hit 120 hits a day by next year - oops! That's tomorrow. Well, it doesn't hurt to come and refresh a few times.. does it? I wouldn't know you did anyway. Then we will all be damn happy.

Now to the history of TCS:

AUGUST 2005
I was online with YL on a typical Friday night, just talking trash after some tough training. YL said, "eh I think we really talk a lot of cock, let's set up a blog to post all our conversations, etc." I was rather agreeable to the idea.

And TCS was born from there. We haven't looked back since, though we certainly have caused many others to turn their backs on us. Not our fault - they were too sensitive. A most notable post would be the L___l posts at the beginning, which included a picture of Danny's vandalised table. That picture, deemed too sensitive, has since been removed. I won't post it here either, so stop hoping.

We managed an average of 4 posts a day in the first 2 days. And a week later YH joined us to bolster our forces (and keep up the posts when YL and I seem inadequate). Then these are the people you see today, no actually you don't, you just read our posts. Okay my bad.

YL did a graphic description of how war was supposed to be waged when it comes to love, but ended up jacking himself when someone mystical appeared on the tagboard. Well, that is now water under the bridge and we're glad to move on.

SEPTEMBER 2005
As our readership grows, so did our temper with RP. I vented my frustration openly.



And more frustration came along when I changed the template and took away the tagboard, the hit counter and everything we needed with it. I ultimately recovered from that, so everything's back up again.

Then the wolf scandal hit TCS, with YL embroiled right in the middle of it. Despite his denials, he was certainly unable to prove his innocence, but then again, neither was the prosecution able to prove his guilt. The trial just drew on and on right across September, then I decided to start blowing the recorder and just leave everything to settle. The case is still left unsolved, and maybe it's better that way.

OCTOBER 2005
When I couldn't take it any longer and admitted I was an Undercover Prefect along with YH. We sure punished lots of people, eh.



Common tests were in October as well, and mugging really made me mad. It so happened that my red Chemistry textbook seemed redder than ever, like this:

So I resigned to playing Pokémon.

Chris Kwan came along somewhere in between to make our readership shoot up.

TCS was also quite instrumental in aiding others in the Chinese "O"s. The study guide was very well-received, and come next March, anyone who have read TCS would most certainly score A1 in their exams. That is our guarantee, and if you don't, it's your own bloody fault. Next time read it more thoroughly please.

The truth about how Buckley finished behind Hullett was told.

NOVEMBER 2005
The hate campaign begins - and I make no bones about who I dislike.

TUMNUS!!

and our dear pop star, JAY THE GAY

YH starts to express his doubt about having Grad Dinner at Orchard Hotel, and I must admit the idea was indeed presposterous. YL then left for Guangzhou to shoot birds, and for a long spell he did leave! He came back only just in time to eat some really bad food at Grad Dinner, where our worst fears came true. At least he did post his longest one up here at TCS - what with supermarket counters and queue cutters.

That same month, I got fed up with waiting at home and ran to Orchard in desperation. Coming in handy as well were the time-wasting techniques, and before you knew it, November was over. But a good month to read entries, there are really lots of them - products of too much boredom.

DECEMBER 2005
If you were looking for more controversy, December sure provided enough with New Age Robbers coming into the scene to rob you of money. YH started showing off his proficiency in different languages, while I made my way to Malaysia Truly Asia. I hope you know what Asia is like now? (answer below)



Oh, and not to forget Plaza Tol's advice.



There you go now. YL who travelled to Thailand also has some valuable insight on the country, so you could learn lots of Geography from your local talk cock guides. We are not that stupid as you think, though maybe I am, I don't know. I hope not, but I might prove to be. Oh well, forget that.

This will be fresh in your memory - for I just introduced Happyland to you a few days ago. Brilliant game, no? And for those who claim that there is hardly any educational value in it, think again! The fruits and candy that you collect have different values, and different points added to your score. That indicates the amount of protein, carbohydrates and glucose in them! So in my opinion this game is very biological and very mathematical - and thus everyone should play it. (Especially those BCME ones)

NOW
So how was a trip down Talk Cock Lane? Nice? Stupid? Or just cock?

I hope you've enjoyed 2005 with us.

But don't worry, rest assured we'll be back next year after a break of.. a few hours. We blog everyday, and we don't see why we should stop that anytime soon. We sure look forward to a great 2006 in RJC, and a great time talking cock there. You can take the cock out of the summit, but you can't take the summit out of the cock. Wherever we are, it is Talk Cock Summit.

And before I forget..

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

To all our faithful readers, this is dedicated to all of you.

Week 8 of holidays

I've grown weary of the holidays, for time has passt by far too quickly, and no sooner does the New Year arrive does no sooner will I be happy. Oh, ere it comes, I am desirous to fill in a final episode of the past which have plagued me, yes indeed had plagued me. Henceforth I you present the eighth week of holidays.

I read "Wuthering Heights" this week - which kind of explains my stupid language above. I know, it's a n00b book for me to read at this time, and it's a very depressing love story. Not the best reading material you want to have just before Orientation at RJC. You know what's good reading material? THIS is good reading material, even if I say so myself. After all, rubbish are good quality materials after being processed. If you don't get what I mean, it's okay, just read on.

Time-wasting activities have filled up majority, if not all of my holidays. In my last week of holidays, I still firmly indulged in them. Despite having better things to do, like running to Orchard or perhaps flying kites, I wanted to make a full waste out of my holidays. So let me fill you in on what I did last week.

1) Read "Wuthering Heights". It sucks don't read it - it's like reading a book within a book, and the narrative is always done by someone else. You'll know what I mean if you read it, but don't anyway.

2) Write a letter to Tan Puay Hock, for being my beloved Chinese teacher for a year. I'm not the ungrateful sort, so I had to do it no matter what. I doubt he celebrates Christmas, but I bet that he would like to know that I've still 私函 rules in my mind. Here's the top of my letter. (I won't publish the rest as it's 私函，and 私 means private in case you're too stupid to know that. I need some privacy.)



I know it's kind of extra, but time wasting anyway. Plus I've chucked my Chinese all the way to the back of my head so I could waste more time digging it up. I took four days to write the letter, let's please not talk about it any longer.

3) Packed my room. Or rather, the desk in my room. Packing the desk in my room is as time wasting as it can get, so here's a picture of some specimens that I had to clear.



I finally bothered to take a picture of my four.. wandering teeth. I'm sorry if it spooks you, look, but I hope that putting it on the Raffles cover makes you feel better. Look carefully, and you can see the word "Raffles" engraved in the middle (I love my school dearly). I guess I wanted to post this long ago as well, but it soon became as forgotten as my table got messier. So I packed up everything and here it is. Good memories.

4) Wondering about my orientation group. This is the most time-wasting of all, because I had to dig up all my Bayley stuff to find out who was in Bayley, and probability on who was going to be with me. That's a huge probability problem, by the way. In the end, I realised I threw away all my Bayley stuff so there were no name lists to be found. In the process, I threw everything around my room. So that's more stuff to pack. More time wasted.

Although it is only four tasks that I actually did, do not be so easily deceived as to think that it's no big deal. One week is that short, and one week can be wasted in just four tasks. I'm very proud of myself, I wasted the last week of my holiday away. Oh and not to mention I went for class outing where I cleverly left myself some wounds on the right side of my leg, by playing soccer on a wet pavement and trying to do some tricks. It still hurts, so shut up about that.

Now I've got a call from my OGL yesterday, and here's the good news. Orientation is four days. Oh, it might be bad news as well, since you might get some bastards, but it's also good news.

Why? Because orientation is slack. Things might not seem what they seem to be, but I doubt it will be as intensive as doing logarithms or trigonometry.

So although Week 8 of holidays are over, I'll look forward to Week 9. My OGLs had just extended my holidays - and I thank them very much for that. Sorry if this post seems a little disorganised, it's because I really have better things to do and was doing them while typing this out. Once again, enjoy what is left of your holidays, for I've just wasted what's left of mine by doing all the shit above. Whatever - it's too late to regret. I'll go have some lunch.

Facts you need to know about RJC

Hello everyone. School's starting in a few day's time and for those of you loyal readers who are going to spend the next 2 years in RJC, let me give you a word of advice. You will find the my advice is especially useful and helpful. For girls, please pay special attention to the following people that i am going to mention because there are known to be scams concerning them.

1.
The Lie: Hi! My name is Tan Ah Kow. I am very hot. I have been known to set fires in school as i walk on the school field because i'm simply too hot. There was once a time when i jumped into the swimming pool and all the water evaporated and the waterpolo team could not train for one week because they need to refill the whole swimming pool again. Girls and boys have known to flock to me. Girls because they like me and boys because they simply want to pick up my leftovers.

The Truth: Such a guy really exist in RI actually. But his name is Sherwin Sim. And he's sizzling hot! But then again YL emerged top in the recent poll so you might want to look out for him too!


2.
The Lie: Hi! My name is Loser Tan. I'm totally ice cold. Once during training i froze the swimming pool and it costed the school about $4000 to thaw the whole swimming pool. I cant help it really but im just that cool. Look at how i walk, it's totally ice-cold dude!

The Truth: He is none other than Weiren. And yes, he is THAT cool!

3. The head prefect of RI was Timothy Chow. So dont you guys ever try to trick some pitiful girls with that.

4. Huang Kaiyang was the vice head prefect of RI. In truth, he is the only person able to compete with Sherwin for Mr. Raffles.

5. Bayley House was the best house in RI. But in RJC, that's a totally different story altogether.

6. The 3 authors of TCS are good, fun-loving people whom you can totally trust with your deepest secrets!

7. The food at RI Dining Hall is totally shit. Dont bother trying out the food there if you ever read this blog. Go walk a bit more to somewhere like Long House where you can get better food.


im so tired. i know it's a lousy post.

Breakdown

The orientation programme for RJC is up, and I think it looks pretty trashy to me. I'm guessing that most of you would have seen it by now, and would have tried to imagine what it would be like in the future (ie at orientation). Do enlighten me, for I can hardly see any light. It is all unintelligible rubbish to me, perhaps because of my illogical ways of approaching things.

Starting time?
Anyway, their intended programme in itself is already faulty. If you'll notice carefully, the first box in the first row reads "starting time", which sounds logical enough to me. But then again if you'll look down the column, they give stuff like "0730-0800", "0830-0900", etc. Does that sound very starting time-ish to you? No, that is not a starting time, that is a DURATION. Chandy would smack their arses for making such a silly mistake - but the thing about JCs is that there are girls running the programme, and Chandy doesn't fancy a spell in jail, so nothing of that sort is (unfortunately) going to happen.

3..4..7..8
Another glaring mistake. I saw it the moment I opened the file. Tuesday is the 3rd, Wednesday is the 4th, Thursday is the 7th and Friday is the 8th. Hmm are we going to be time travellers or something, or is it just a typo error? I believe it's the former, since the theme is supposed to be along the lines of Greek gods. I think they existed way back in time, so perhaps this lull in the time is meant to simulate some experience. Gonna be quite fun, I haven't skipped time before.

Assembly
I didn't know we took half an hour to assemble and stuff, but anyway they could merge it all to one cell and just put one "Assembly" in the middle. That would kind of save them a lot of effort instead of typing it out individually. Guess the person who came up with this programme sheet is a MS Word n00b. I could do better, though arguably by not much.

Registration (Day 1)
Excuse me, what the hell? I thought we registered for RJC the moment we signed some form in Sec 2 stating that we were willing to undertake RP? I don't see how are they going to do it in thirty minutes anyway - considering there are over a thousand people waiting to register. After seeing RI's administration, I feel like I don't have much confidence in RJC's. Though of course it remains to be seen.

Intro to the school (Day 1)
One and a half hour. I'm starting to doubt that "intro" means "introduction", it could mean another word that starts with the same letters. My vocabulary, however, is very limited, so I'm not going to take a shot at this.

Staggered lunch (Day 1)
You stagger to your lunch, and therefore they give you two and a half hours to do the staggering. By the way, do you know of anyone who eats their lunch at ten o' clock? A little early, no? But it's okay, since this will probably give me a stomachache or gastric that will enable me to make frequent trips to the toilet, which means I get to pon something stupid.

Activities (Day 1)
................. aren't everything inside here "activities"?

Station Games (Day 1)
Sure, we'll all pop over to Bishan MRT station, and then we'll have a game or two there. I don't mind, it sounds kind of intriguing.

Debrief (Day 1)
This is simple enough to understand, and for once I have no complaints.

End (Day 1)
Surely they don't need half an hour to end?!

Activities/Bonding activities (Day 2)
It's stated that this is what we'll do in the morning of Day 2. What are the differences between the two anyway? So in doing "activities" we don't get bonded? Or does "bonding activities" mean like, we get to go to Chemistry Lab to go figure out ionic bonds, covalent bonds, whatever? If you'd like to see my point just see what we're doing on Wednesday, DURING the STARTING TIME of 8am to 11am.

Staggered lunch (Day 2)
Stagger some more - 2.5 hours lunch.

House time (Day 2)
Is it time to go back to my house to have an afternoon siesta? Agreeable.

Debrief (Day 2)
I still think the author of the document could link up the "debriefs" together into one cell, it's just somehow aesthetically more pleasing to the eye. Maybe it's just me.

Learning the school song (Day 3)
When Stamford Raffles held the torch,
That cast Prometheum Flame.
We faced the challenge of the day,
To give our school a name.

Need I say more?

Civics time (Day 3)
Eh, so now it's time to instil some moral values into us or something? I mean, they could really do that on the first day, character development is really important. Glad to see CLE being incorporated into orientation, but it's just lame they had to wait so long to start that.

External activity (Day 3)
If it was really going to be external, it would not even be in the orientation programme sheet. I'm guessing that this means we go treasure hunting or slacking outside. Maybe go to J8 and have a staring match with the Bishan Gay. Maybe we'll all go watch a movie or something. Damn it, they had better not because I'm a no life and no lifes don't watch movies. Plus, I have no money so they can't force me to. This orientation is going to be really lousy if they're going to host external activities that cost money, and I'm going to cry if it's true.

Bonding activities (Day 4)
More time at the Chemistry lab, but what the hell, certainly not for three and a half hours? I never had two consecutive periods of Chemistry at RI, though I certainly had two-hour remedials. I think 3.5 hours is too much to bear, I'd go crazy after this long break of not touching Chemistry. If we must do Bonding activities, then it had better be more action, like James Bond. Then maybe there's a thought.

O Nite Prep (Day 4)
So we skip O levels, but we go to O nite? Doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

O Nite! (Night 4)
O good nite! It's there in the programme - the exclamation mark behind the "O nite"! I don't know what this excitement is really all about, but I'm concerned about it being on a Friday night. Would you like to know how I spend a usual Friday night in RI? I'd have a nice time bringing my Pokémon around to see the world, as well as the insides of various gyms. I certainly don't occupy myself with such meaningless occupations, and these two words mean nothing to me. If the OGLs don't mind (and I'm sure they won't), I'll just have a leisurely walk back home at night. Either that, or I'll return to Sarimbun for the scary night walk in the dark like I did in Sec 1. Or go back to Pulau Ubin for some action at OBS with my stupid old guides, namely Konnel and Ken. Somehow the night might seem more meaningful that way. We'll see how things go.

I'm not here to discredit everything that the OGLs have set up for us - in fact, I am very thankful that they had made the effort to organise such a whole load of stuff for us. Only thing is that I need to be enlightened on what is really going on. An inquiring mind is good, is it not? So I would like to pose these questions to whoever can answer them out there. I'd really like to learn the truth, so I can prepare myself better for orientation. If you find any part of this offensive, then just blame it on the lousy programme sheet. It's really not the best I've seen, and it's not my fault that this is so.

The meeting

I suggest that all prospective RJC students go to school on the 2nd of January.

I'm not joking. We can all meet at the atrium or something, and then we can start holding the talk cock summit there. Of course, that is only a disguise. The true objective of that certain visit is so that we could just go spy on the J2s and the OGLs and gather whatever information we can so we will be prepared for the next day. Storm them, spam them with our great numbers.

So make sure you turn up.

12pm, RJC atrium, 2 January.

See you there.

Happyland Adventures

Ah, I feel so recharged having just woken up from a long slumber. After my surveillance last night, you can be rest assured that it's me again posting this. Me, not meaning my assistant, but just me.

I watched from the top of the building for a long, long time - and all I got was a sore neck and some really wet clothing. Don't forget, it rained a hell lot yesterday. Since noon on Tuesday till 9am on Wednesday (aka today), I was up there trying to listen what was going on down there. Couldn't plant bugs, only found lots of ladybugs down in the garden when I went down for a short break. Only a short break, mind, I really had to keep up the stealth and the surveillance.

Well, apart from the soccer they were having that I already reported yesterday, some of them stayed through the night to do I-wonder-what. Then other than this I-wonder-what, I also wonder what they could have told their parents they were up to. Bloody baskit, I heard plenty of sounds that I wouldn't appreciate, and sounds that probably told me they were doing more than orientation. Oh wait, were they even doing orientation in the first place? In any case, I might have been mistaken as too long up there on the roof might give you night chills. Then I might hallucinate. Whatever.

My objective today is to introduce you to an addictive and fun new game that I have been totally caught up with this festive season. I only regret I couldn't post this earlier, because you might have had as much fun as me. Plus, the game is not as applicable after Christmas. But a game is a game, so it's for anytime which is why I'm telling you now.

It's called HAPPYLAND ADVENTURES, by www.freelunchdesign.com.




Here's their screenshot. Guess how I even found this site anyway - it was during one day when I had no money to go buy lunch, and I sent my recorder to Beethoven for servicing and fine-tuning (meaning no busking). Then I had to think of a way to get lunch. However, since most of my friends already had lunch (it was 2:30pm), I couldn't very well ask them to treat me and watch me eat. Thus, I surfed the net for a free lunch place. Instead, I found this game site and I thought, why not? Then downloaded Happyland.

The rest is history (like what isn't). The moment it finished downloading, I had a game or two and couldn't stop since. I forgoed my lunch that day, and my dinner as well. My stomach could wait - Happyland Adventures was too bloody fun. The only thing that stopped me was a power trip that night. So I got really hungry and went out for supper. By then, I had earned a hell lot of money from playing Happyland - so all my problems were solved. Helpful game, innit?

You should try it.

I could give you some passwords if you want to advance levels, the first few are kind of boring and difficult to get the passwords. But I am a master, and since I'm very generous, you could take some passwords from me. I also tried getting some screenshots, but they somehow screwed up. Free Lunch Design didn't quite want me to advertise their games, but I'll do it anyway.

This is taken off one of the most difficult levels in Happyland, Manic Mines 2:




Very difficult, trust me. But at least when you play the game, there's light so don't worry. I know you can't see clearly here, which is why you'd best go download the game.

And this is the final stage, Terror On Tops 3:




I used to challenge myself by playing from the first to last stage and check how long it took for me to finish. My record stands at 18 minutes 45 seconds, so try beating that. It's not too bad actually, because some cannot even achieve this timing in their 2.4km runs. Trust me, I personally know a few of them whom I shall not name because I'm not so heartless. But anyway 2.4km or not, just play it and tell me if you beat my record. I won't believe you but just tell me anyway. (Socrates-style dialogue, "I know what you say will be in vain, Crito; yet speak, should you have anything to say" - where Crito got damn f**king demoralised and just left him to die, that jerk.)

In the end I got my prize, and the print-screen resolution is still bloody bad.




This is the image you'll see if you complete the game. There's a Santa too, the one which YH sent 2 letters to and the one which YL had some time communicating with as well. Yea he kind of looks like a d33k as YH has mentioned (and racist too like what YL said about X'mas??), but sadly I can't illustrate to you what exactly he looks like. Blame the stupid screenshot. His location is placed precisely on the screen, though, so I hope that helps your impression of the game.

Trust me, it's just that fun. So before my spying yesterday I devoted almost all of my time to this wondrous game here. Just that spying takes priority, one should always be prepared for the future. And as I promised, here's a few passwords that you might like to jump levels. If you don't like spoilers, you can leave now.

To get to..
Mighty Mountain 3: dontturnaround
Mighty Mountain 4: yourkingandqueen
Wicked Village 1: maximilliandrake
Wicked Village 2: wheresthedamncat
Wicked Village 3: donteatyellowsnow
Hurry up!: forestofblackoaks

(I know all the passwords are damn lame, but anyway I'll let you find out the rest for yourself or it wouldn't be fun. If you really want it then I'll mail you, but it's really no kick by then.)

You never know until you try. And you'll regret not trying. But after you try, don't regret that you cannot concentrate on your studies. You probably won't regret it anyway as you'll be so immersed in thinking of how to jump that ledge. Okay never mind - 百闻不如一见。JUST PLAY IT FOR YOURSELF!

Because that's exactly what I'm going to do now. Break my own record.

Thank You Note

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Sean Tan for sponsoring me in my first step towards becoming a World Cyber Games champion, to the tune of 9 Singaporean dollars. I am grateful for his unwavering faith in me and will strive to be a better player in all computer games.

Spying operation

Okay much as I wanted to post earlier today, I found out that I couldn't because I was busy spying. I have been rather busy lately with various things, so you would please excuse me if my posts have not been up to standard. In fact, this will be another sub standard post so if you don't like it that's not my business. My business is spying, and that is what keeps me busy. If I remember, I will post about some other stuff that I have been busy with.

Well today I went to RJC to find out how the J2s were coping in preparing for our orientation.

Apparently, they were coping very well. Because they probably finished everything they had to do and were happily playing soccer along the corridors. Meaning they've about done their torture programme. I can't wait to see what they have in store for us.

Okay that's all for my spying report. It took me twelve hours to come up with it, okay. Don't ever discredit me, because I swear I'm telling the truth. I saw councillors playing soccer.

And I told you it's none of my business if the post is inadequate, because I have to get back to my spying. It's not easy, you know, keeping 24-hour surveillance. This is, in fact, not me. I am relaying the message word-for-word through the telephone to my personal assistant, who is currently beside a computer for this purpose of keeping you all entertained. I know, this is hardly entertaining, but think of me perspiring up at the roof of the RJC building while at the same time using a pair of binoculars trying to peer at what the hell those silly councillors are doing. It's really for the sake of information, for YOUR sake.

So please bear with me, or my personal assistant.

Because this is for YOUR sake. And not to mention I go to such pains to keep this blog alive - you should really be touched. It's not easy holding a handphone in one hand while holding a pair of binoculars with another. My psychomotor is that bad, I might end up falling off the roof. See, I'm putting my life on the line for all of you. Not the telephone line. I'm just that noble.

Okay I think I see some action now. Haha!

Better be thankful for what I'm doing okay. I'll report back later.

2nd letter to santa

Dear Santa,

I must admit you broke my heart my dear old man. You didn’t even give me a teeny wheeny strand of your beard much less any other presents. You know, you can’t go breaking young fragile innocent hearts like mine you know. It was such a traumatic experience you know, i wonder whether I am ever able to stand up and face the world again.

I know i live in a HDB flat. There's no chimney. But no bloody (maybe a few) houses have chimneys my dear old man. You can’t be that racist can you? Just because Singaporeans don’t have chimneys doesn’t mean that we are not in need of precious presents Santa! C’mon, you gotta think out of the box! Not being able to visit us via the chimney doesn’t mean you can’t walk right through the front door right?

I have thought about it. I left the front door unlocked because I knew we didn’t have a chimney. You can always park your reindeers outside along the corridors but you didn’t! Being the ever thoughtful me, I even unlock my window grills in case you wanted to come in by the windows. But why didn’t you come!?

They said we should always leave some cookies and milk for Santa old man. I did! Those people who leave milk on the table are out to harm you Santa! Milk are meant to be refrigerated! I left it cold and nice for you. I got you gardenia white bread instead of the usual cookies because i believe that your teeth might not be able to take it. I was so thoughtful but you never came. Damn you!

I woke up every hour, with anticipation and hope. And you left me broken hearted. Santa, you d33k. Screw off!


Yours insincerely,
YH

Have you noticed?

On the blogger page, there is an orange hat on top of the "o" in Blogger.

Now you know why Chemistry is important, because if you are a n00b you can't mix the proper dye for your Santa caps and then you'll be a laughing stock. Orange caps indeed. Thought only Ben Zheng wore them.

Anyway, today's Boxing Day. So maybe you'd like lots of boxes..□□□□□□. Or maybe you should wear boxers like Chen Kai. Or maybe start training up to be a Tyson. That word has too many meanings.

If you recall, I said Christmas was bad. Christmas meant 9 days to school reopening. Well, for the record, I'm telling you now that Boxing Day is worse, having only 8 days to school reopening. I doubt I'll be able to finish mugging Mole Concept or Differentiation before school reopens, considering I haven't started on anything. Actually, I can't start without my books - so it's not entirely my fault. At least I have integration in my heart, and in my soul, in my arteries and veins, the way Chandy would have liked it. Too bad when I return to school it wouldn't really be a school - it will be a JC.

Forget it. I'll drown my sorrows in my recorder, which I happen to have also chucked aside to who-knows-where. But it's okay since Santa gave me a new one for Christmas. Though I had to tip him for making the long journey, that greedy fagut. Oh and plus he charges 10% govt service (he's the fking govt in Finland) and 5% GST. So what the hell. Perhaps Christmas isn't that great after all. YL was right, Santa could be rather racist when it comes to Asians.

Bird Shit Christmas

Christmas is supposed to be white and snowy. Everyone knows that because of those irritating Christmas carols that forcefilly drill their way into brains. All this can be evidence that Christmas is morally wrong and should not be celebrated.

Firstly, let's look at the song "White Christmas". Obviously, it's racist. What it means is that people in Africa and Asia definitely cannot celebrate Christmas. The target of Christmas is actually albinos, but then only 1 in 17000 are albinos, so how do we account for the masses seen at orchard road? They've been duped by the businesses to celebrate christmas.

Besides the racism, there's also the idea that Christmas should be celebrated in snow. This is evident from songs like "frosty the snowman" and "winter wonderland". Without snow, one misses the essence of Christmas itself. It's like going to school without your brain. Does it ever occur to anyone that Singapore has no snow and is therefore not suited for Christmas? The only things that fall down from the sky in Singapore besides rain are flowerpots and birdshit. I propose we train all the crows in Singapore to shit on Christmas next year at all the countdown locations to create a 'festive' atmosphere.

Don't be a racist. Stop celebrating Christmas today.

A letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been a good boy this year. I have done my homework, attended trainings regularly, been actively involved in school events and also doing my part for the society by being part of the interact club. Since I'm such a good boy, i do feel that i deserve something this christmas.

It has been hard on you all these years really. To make, to sort, to pack and to deliver all these gifts to the kids. But actually i cant be bothered because to me it is more important that i get my presents. Then again your welfare is OUR welfare so we should care about you right?

I have been thinking long and hard. How do i get my wishlist across to you? After all, there's no advertisement that says "Santa Claus: Send your wishlist to P.O %$%^&&" so i have really no way of contacting you. Then i figured out that i might try to call you but your phone number was not in Yellow Pages. Then again if you ever get a handphone do suscribe to Singtel because it gives you Global Roam which makes your bills really cheap.

So an idea struck me. DHL. But you see, you live in the North Pole. Nobody knows Asia like they do. Which means they know nuts about North Pole. Fedex are a bunch of n00bs anyway so no point trying. I was at my wits' end. How will i ever convey my wishes to you dear old man?

ARH! Then another idea struck me. After all, globalisation is happening around the world. I thought that if people nowadays were so technologised, you being the leader, thinker and pioneer that you have always been would also be technologised.

So by logical conclusion, you MIGHT own a computer, which means you might have internet access and you might visit blogs and you might visit our blog! So i want to tell you that all i want is a strand of your beard.

Yours sincerely,
The good boy,
TCS blogger,
YH

Twelve days at RJC

I don't think you need to know what tune to sing to.

-------------

On the first day of New Year, I went to RJC
Lots of notes to mug for Chemistry

On the second day of New Year, RJC sent to me
Two uniforms
Lots of notes to mug for Chemistry

On the third day of New Year, the lecturers gave me
Three mock tests
Two uniforms
Lots of notes to mug for Chemistry

On the fourth day of New Year, the house captain gave to me
Four Bayley-Waddle shirts (ugh)
Three mock tests
Two uniforms
Lots of notes to mug for Chemistry

On the fifth day of New Year, their canteen sold to me
Five chicken wings
Four Bayley-Waddle shirts
Three mock tests
Two uniforms
Lots of notes to mug for Chemistry

On the sixth day of New Year, the effects of RJC
Six files a-fillin'
Five chicken wings
Four Bayley-Waddle shirts
Three mock tests
Two uniforms
Lots of notes to mug for Chemistry

On the seventh day of New Year, swimming team of RJC
Seven noobs a-swimmin' (tea zhi hao)
Six files a-fillin'
Five chicken wings
Four Bayley-Waddle shirts
Three mock tests
Two uniforms
Lots of notes to mug for Chemistry

On the eighth day of New Year, I got sick of RJC
Eight lectures ponnin'
Seven noobs a-swimmin'
Six files a-fillin'
Five chicken wings
Four Bayley-Waddle shirts
Three mock tests
Two uniforms
Lots of notes to mug for Chemistry

On the ninth day of New Year, first threat from RJC
Nine lecturers callin'
(Cos of) Eight lectures ponnin'
Seven noobs a-swimmin'
Six files a-fillin'
Five chicken wings
Four Bayley-Waddle shirts
Three mock tests
Two uniforms
Lots of notes to mug for Chemistry

On the tenth day of New Year, there is trouble I foresee
Ten miles a-runnin' (from school)
Nine lecturers callin'
Eight lectures ponnin'
Seven noobs a-swimmin'
Six files a-fillin'
Five chicken wings
Four Bayley-Waddle shirts
Three mock tests
Two uniforms
Lots of notes to mug for Chemistry

On the eleventh day of New Year, déjà vu and history (RI?)
Eleven boys a-sleepin'
Ten miles a-runnin'
Nine lecturers callin'
Eight lectures ponnin'
Seven noobs a-swimmin'
Six files a-fillin'
Five chicken wings
Four Bayley-Waddle shirts
Three mock tests
Two uniforms
Lots of notes to mug for Chemistry

On the twelfth day of New Year, got kicked out of RJC
Twelve days of screwin'
Eleven boys a-sleepin'
Ten miles a-runnin'
Nine lecturers callin'
Eight lectures ponnin'
Seven noobs a-swimmin'
Six files a-fillin'
Five chicken wings
Four Bayley-Waddle shirts
Three mock tests
Two uniforms
Threw away my notes for Chemistry

-------------

Twelve days expulsion plan. Follow and repeat as desired.

Don't misunderstand, I didn't make this because I don't like RJC. I also don't like to shoot myself in the foot the way Socrates do. Go look up your Philo notes on "Crito" - and you'll see what I mean. It is stated that Crito wants to save Socrates from death by the Athenian authorities, but Socrates "responds by inviting Crito into a classic Socratic dialogue, in which Socrates asks a series of questions in efforts to eventually prove Crito's logic (of saving him) faulty."

So don't you think Socrates is a dumb bastard? He INVITES Crito into HIS conversation so he could waste time explaining to him that he should die. I thought Socrates' death was unjustified, but after reading this, I realised now that Socrates brought it upon himself. The situation above is similar to the situation below.

(At a swimming pool, there's a chiobu drowning)
Sherwin: Let me save you.
Chiobu: Why should you save me?
Sherwin: Because I don't want to let you die.
Chiobu: Let me ask you, why are you preventing my death?
Sherwin: A life is at stake.
Chiobu: Is my life worthy of your effort to save?
Sherwin: Whatever, I'm saving you.
Chiobu: NO! GO AWAY! LET ME DIE! (drowns)

Names of characters are entirely fictional and any resemblance to characters in real life is entirely coincidental, but not regretted.

So that's inviting your own death, shooting yourself in the foot. The purpose of making this song is not to gun myself, it's just a product of too much boredom (yet again). I hope you don't get the idea that I think RJC is some crap place (okay it probably is) - but like I said I'm just too bored. Hence all the shit you read above.

Now I don't feel like going back to school. Don't ask me why.

Tonight is 平安夜。Go to Orchard Road and I think you might find inner peace with yourself. That is, if you can avoid getting caught in the stampede. I think I'd be better off playing Happyland Christmas edition. So there.

QUOTES

早起的鸟儿有虫吃

早起的虫儿被鸟吃

Book Launch

For sale at 1 million dollars only. Hurry. While stocks last.

Good morning!

Cock crows in the morning to wake everyone up.

That's why I wake up so early to talk cock. Maybe some of you wake up earlier, but I don't know and it's none of my business.

Anyway, early bird catches the worm.




Something like this, though the worm can't be seen clearly.



I'm no bird, but I'm going out for breakfast.

See you later.

A new service

Schex
I live to deliver.

I'm sure you all have heard of FedEx - the superb delivery system that knows almost every part of the world. I say "almost", because I'm sure they don't quite know Antarctica yet. Anyway, that is beside the point. What I'm trying to introduce to you today is my new service, which is called, as you can see, Schex. (Please don't mispronounce the word - it's a sensitive issue nowadays)

As you can see, the motto is "I live to deliver" - similar to FedEx's "we live to deliver". The reason is simple, and that is because I'm the only person running this business. Put it this way, who the hell has as much rough paper as me to carry out the business? Of the 8kg pile, I've sorted out those which still can be of some use. And since I figured I had so much rough paper, I might as well put it to some good use. So here I am - with Schex. Of course, if you're willing to be my assistant in living to deliver, I will have to change the motto. But so far I have no applicants, so it's just myself and the business. (That cheap prefect from RI - Dillon - doesn't count. Lame shit all talk no action.)

If you haven't figured it out by now, "Schex" simply means "School Express". It's really like "Federal Express", only that mine is carried out within the RJC campus. I might extend my area of service to RI, but that will have to wait. I'll see if I can cope with it in the near future.

Services
(1) Basically, it's a delivering service. If you have a gift and want to pass it to someone, I'll be there to help you pass it to the guy. That is, of course, he is within RJC and you can give me an accurate location. If you don't know his location, I could always help you to look for him. That, of course, comes with extra charge, because it involves harder work.

Rates:
Passing gift to someone: Free
Passing gift to someone not located yet: You buy me a drink or give me the money to buy one

(2) Then of course, you could just sms me if you need some rough paper to do your Maths if you are stuck. I assume you would know your location, so this is another free-of-charge service. But if you tell me you need rough paper and want to play hide-and-seek with me, I'm going to have to demand that you buy me a drink when I pass you the rough papers.

Rates:
Giving out rough papers: Free
Giving out rough papers when you're a bastard: You buy me a drink or give me the money to buy one

(3) Tired of people reading your lovey-dovey smses? Tired of getting suanned by the same bloody f**ker who's been koping your phone to check your Inbox and Outbox? Well, this time you could catch him unawares by suscribing to Schex's letter-writing system! I will gladly write a message for you to your girlfriend for a nominal fee, which is for free. Just dictate what you want to write and I will do it for you. You could even sign off anonymously as a secret admirer, for I will be the one doing the writing anyway. The handwriting will belong to me, so no one will ever know. Oh, and don't worry, Schex's customers' particulars are entirely confidential. I won't leak out any information to anyone.

Though I might laugh at your girlfriend secretly.

But it's worth it, because I will write letters using my very best hotel notepaper that I've koped from various hotels that I've visited in the past few years. Oh, and if you are lucky and have too much money to spend (ie that 10 cents extra), I could always put it in an envelope for you, also courtesy of the hotels I've visited. This offer is only there for a limited period of time (not much stock), so hurry down and get your letters written today! Best handwriting guaranteed.

Rates:
Letter-writing, right hand: Free
Letter-writing, left hand: 10 cents
Letter-writing, hotel notepaper: Free
Letter-writing, hotel notepaper + envelope: 10 cents
If you abuse the system (ie repeated favours): Buy me a meal

(4) Hate this bastard who keeps koping everyone's assignment to copy? Hate this piece of shit who keeps flirting with your girlfriend in front of you? Long to just throw expletives at him? Well, never fear, Schex is always here. If anyone pisses you off and warrants insults being thrown at him, I will gladly do the writing and pass it to him. You do have a choice of coming up with your own insults or I will do it for you. Either way, Schex is always at hand to help you. You could choose to allow replies, or just block him off after he reads the insults. You can be assured that the insults will be hand-delivered to the guy.

Rates:
Insults, right hand: Free
Insults, left hand: 10 cents
If you abuse the system (ie repeated favours): Buy me a meal

(5) Feeling bored? Got no action going on? Well, you could always start a paper ball fight by ordering rough paper from Schex! Will be hand-delivered right to the spot of the battlefield, but action against the delivery boy (ie me) will not be tolerated. This one might have a bit of an extra charge, because I'm delivering paper balls for you to have fun. But don't worry, it's surely within your means.

Rates:
Delivery of paper balls (uncrushed): Free
Delivery of paper balls (crushed): 10 cents (up to 30 balls)

If you would take the time to notice my rates above, you won't see any superscript letters or numbers stating that there are terms and conditions below. Oh no, I'm not like those cheap fags who try to put secret terms and conditions when they put "free". I know some companies have a habit of putting "free", but then under the small print they add "plus two dollars". That is just f**king sly, and I don't believe in that. I believe in delivering, and I believe in customer service. If you would ever get me to write a letter to your loved one, I can guarantee that this information is strictly confidential and will not be revealed to the public. Any information that you supply me is classified unless in extreme circumstances (like you are plotting a terrorist bombing, then no, I will have to report this to higher authorities).

Otherwise, I hope that this service will be of service to you. Rates are very reasonable and affordable, though if you use my system too many times, I expect you to treat me to a meal. After all, it's hard work carrying rough papers here and there. If everyone abuses me, Schex might soon close down and that wouldn't be too good would it? Many jobs would be lost. Think about it. I would lose my letter-writing job, my delivery job, my insulting job, my rough paper job - which amounts to many jobs. So don't let Schex close down, and sustain it along with me.

I'm also appealing to all members of the RJC public who has interest in joining me in this glorious mission. I intend to unite the school by bringing it back to the old days where people hand deliver messages instead of being caught up in technology and smses (it's bad for the eyes and fingers, really). If you've any interest at all, just leave your name and contact number on the tagboard. Application is subject to approval from me. But then again I won't reject you for no good reason.

Finally, if you'd like to give a donation of some kind that you might think will help the company, aka Schex, aka me, you are very welcome to. For one, a big stack of rough papers might not last if everyone is going to abuse the system, so more rough papers on YOUR part is always welcome. If you'd like to donate money for my welfare and for the company, I would thank you very much for the donation.

But let me tell you that only 10% will go to the company and 90% will go to my own personal benefit. Aha! That's the truth of the matter, and I better make myself clear before you say I anyhow misappropriate funds. I say 10% when only 10% goes to the company - I won't lie and tell you some shit about 50% going to the company when the reality is that I value myself more than the company. So don't worry about this if you're donating, at least you know where the money goes. I'm willing to accept donations 24/7, just give me a ring and I'll be there to collect.

Important Note
Schex begins its service after orientation. Please note that the service will not be available during orientation period as I don't intend to be present in RJC then.

With that, I wish you a happy school year ahead (irony) and cheers to our cooperation in the near future!



P.S. Don't you just love Schex?

Leaning Temple of Thailand

Incredible! The Thais are such marvellous engineers.

Malaysia Kronikels Part Thwee

I went to the land of truly asia last sunday for my grannie's birthday and truly i was enlightened. It was truly an enriching experience for me.

We set off at around 7 in the morning. From woodlands we took 950 and our journey began. Though it was probably a short journey but I feel that I have learnt enough to give everyone here some tips or two.

1. The last thing you ever want to do is to have the impression that Malaysia has an impressive Kastam. NO! Kastams are still as bad as ever.
2. When you are going through the bloody kastam, a long wait is expected. What is more important is that when it is your turn, you make sure the bloody bugger khops the stamp on your bloody passport. If not later when you return you kena jacked and sent to Malaysia Preeson.
3. Once you are out of kastams, there's a small mama shop there. BEWARE. My dad bought newspapers which costed $1.20. He paid $2 and got $0.20 back. Impressive mathematiks. Besides, the shop is a bloody rip off. Walk a bit more and you can probably get your khewing gum kheaper.
4. Beware of beggars in the tunnel. Dont ever donate.
5. Dont ever exclaim how expensive stuff are while in their mama shops. As they say 阁墙有耳 walls have ears. The last thing you want to do is to start a gang fight. In malaysia, they are the rules.
6. Do not expect a taxi driver to switch on his meter. Prices are always decided before the journey begins. To be sure, ask a local how much will it takes to travel to that partikular place first before boarding the taxi.
7. To socialise, drink MILO.
8. Malaysian taxi drivers might be reckless but they are one hell of a good bunch of drivers. I bet half of them acted in initial D as body doubles.
9. When eating at some ulu hawker centre, always check the plates first before ordering the food. Chances are traces of detergent can still be found.
10. Dont ever sit at the back of the public bus. Their buses have no suspension.

To further prove my point that my lingusitic translation always work here's proof.
I found this signboard on the way back to kastam:
Kompleks Lori Kastam

1. Always replace 'c' with 'k'
Compleks Lori Castam

2. All vowels are the same
Compleks Lori Custom

3. Always remove double letters
Compleks Lorri Custom

4. Always replace 'y' with 'i'
Compleks Lorry Custom

5. There's no such thing as a 'x' in Malay. If it sounds the same, it is the same.
Complex Lorry Custom

There! Proven #

The art of matchmaking

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of "match-making"? Does it simply mean making matches, or is there a deeper meaning to the word?

I, for one, think that I should be a matchmaker. This is because I've a mighty axe (made of pure runite) and lots of wood around me. I believe matches are made of wood, no? So I could go use the wood, process it, and then start cutting them up to make matches. I also specialise in making matchboxes, and I once made one very powerful matchbox. Powerful not in the sense that it wasn't easily breakable, but I programmed some music into it and now this matchbox can sing.

I call it Matchbox 20, but that's not my point here.

My point is that matchmaking is a good skill that everyone should learn. If I was a girl, I could be 卖火柴的小女孩，but sadly (or otherwise), I'm not. So I cannot be the little girl in Andersen's novel crying out that I'm selling matches. Oh no, that would not work.



Instead, I choose to use my product in a wiser manner. In RJC, that is.

I'm fairly certain that sparks are going to fly somehow in RJC - because of certain people I've mentioned in the poll. I don't like to list out names, so you'll just have to guess who are the people involved. The thing about me, I'm really an antangonist, and my definition of antangonist is someone who likes to antangonise. In other words, I like to make trouble, create trouble, produce trouble and then later run off to watch the fun. I make matches, set fire, then literally go over to 隔岸观火。

Shit, that sounds bloody fun, doesn't it? The only problem is when people get angry, then you're in for some rubberwacky. After all, arson is a crime, and there's a reason why the government tells little kids (like me) not to "play with fire", because it's a dangerous thing.

Yes, I agree, matchmaking is a dangerous thing. But what is the world without risk?

Simple - a world without any trouble for us to watch. No fires to spectate, no violent outbursts to settle.

I know it seems like I'm talking cock here, but then again this is talk cock summit, so I don't deny that I'm talking cock. If you still don't get the symbolism of making matches and setting fire, just think of the other meaning of "matchmaking" - I'm just trying to draw up a very poor analogy here.

Talk about analogies, I think everyone should read "Love is a Fallacy" by Max Shulman. It's some Philosophy crap that I was reading when I was clearing my worksheets (8kg piles), and I was reading about False Analogy. I think I'm committing a fallacy here, but then again it's all for the sake of explaining the analogy of love. But then again "False Analogy" is a LOGICAL fallacy, and I don't go by logic. So it's just too bad, I guess. Anyone who wants the story just tell me, I could get it and photocopy or something. It's a damn funny but jackass story - and oh plus you get to know your logical fallacies better, if you do go by logic.

By the way, if love is a fallacy and Kenneth Low is the master of fallacies, doesn't that make him an expert in love? Hmm. Not bad. Turns out Yuk's FT2 is much more philosophical than we thought - and the handouts he gave us might be a hint about who his real identity is. After all, Kenneth Low really does sound like the narrator in the story, who happens to be a Philo jackass. Muscular, cool and smart - but unable to get a girl because the girl only like dumb shits.

I wonder if that scenario will repeat itself next year.

This is jabberwocky. Sorry if you bothered to read this far, but I'm going to get back to making my matches. I enjoy the danger and thrill of playing with them, and it's not my fault if anything happens. I did fail once or twice in this experience, but most times I've been lucky. Maybe I should just let things take its natural course.

If you still don't get what I'm talking about, it's okay. That means it's not for you to know. Just be sure that once I'm done making matches, you can prepare for a HUGE explosion!! And then we all can really start to 隔岸观火。 Literally.

The land of Thai

If you ever get the chance, go be the king of Thailand. They have portraits of him all over the place. Thailand is the only place I know which seems to be clamouring for a absolute monarchy while the rest of the world asks for democracy. While other countries assassinate their kings, Thailand says " long live the king". But maybe they're lying. Because they are a bloody deceptive bunch. Like when they say " savad33ka" they actually want your money. Trust me, anyone who says that to you just wants your money. Just slap him/her.

The taxis in Thailand are of a very nice shade. Pink to be exact. Unfortunately, when I flagged one down to go to the weekend market, it happened to be a laopok taxi that looked 20 years old. And it couldn't seem to go fast because there was this "clank clank" noise at the back that increased in proportion. And it suited me because I didn't want it to go any faster either as it seemed to be falling apart. That's how sly the Thai taxi driver was. This way, he could make more money out of 1 customer. It seemed very slow, but I wanted to know exactly how slow, so I looked at the speedometer, and lo and behold, it pointed at 0. And the taxi was moving! I think I just teleported. The Thais are just so bloody smart they invented teleportation.

Now let me show you the view from the hotel room















This is absolutely fantastic if you're a despo Thai woman looking for hot Thai construction workers which unfortunately and fortunately I'm not, so this sucks. Then again this allows me to experience the exciting Thai nightlife. Unfortunately it's the nightlife of a contruction worker which involves welding metal and hammering at hard objects and hammers home the fact that construction is a rather noisy process that prevents decent people like me from sleeping.

A trip to Bangkok is almost guaranteed to strengthen leg muscles because the main thing is simply shopping and the traffic jams are so bad it is sometimes faster to walk. Try travelling in Bangkok for a month. You might just come back with humoungous leg muscles like YJ's.

On to the Patpong night market. Ironically, it's daylight robbery there. I was looking at a pair of pants and it looked quite nice so I asked how much. The robber punched 1300(about S$52) on his calculator. Which was a ridiculour price for an item in a night market. So I walked off. But the robber chased after me and asked me how much I want it for. I was feeling irritated and just wanted him to f*** off, so I just anyhow punched 300 (S$12) on his calculator. And he agreed. A S$40 discount. What a conman.

Had a dinner at a place called Steak Hunter. The steak there can be described as "very well done", so much so that I couldn't bite through. So don't go there, or if you do, order pork.

And the stars of Thailand are undoubtedly the transvestites. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "starry night" doesn't it? Girls should refrain from going for the transvestite performance because they might get jealous. Seriously. Their breasts are fake, so they can mould it into the perfect shape and look like barbie dolls. Actually being a transvestite is not a bad idea for some people from our school, since they are already halfway there. Just need to look more chiou.

Why you shouldn't celebrate X'mas

I think we all know 'tis the season.

Only thing to ask is 'tis the season of what?

I think that 'tis the season to start mugging. After all with school reopening in slightly less than two weeks' time - as this is already Tuesday afternoon - I think it's about time we all start hitting the books. You could take it literally, as I already find it a chore to hit the books, which is buried under a whole lot of soccer magazines and a stack of newspapers I told myself to read but never got down to it. Then when the karung guni came I just couldn't let the offer pass.. so I think you kind of know the state that I'm in.

In any case, Christmas is just round the corner. Saturdays are mostly corners because they signal the start of the weekend. As Christmas is on Sunday, I figured it had to be around the corner.

And a lot of people seem to be in the mood. I don't get it. What's so good about X'mas?

Perhaps you are a Christian and get lots of gifts, then you might have a reason to. But for non-Christians, like all of us blogging here, there is nothing much to look forward to.

Public holiday (?)
It's true that Christmas is a public holiday, but who needs a public holiday when it is already school holidays? I'd only appreciate Christmas if it was in the middle of July. Public holidays only make public areas more clogged up and gangsters will flood the local street soccer court to come challen you. Does that sound very good? I don't think so.

Festive mood (?)
Everyone's celebrating and so we should as well? That's like the blind leading the blind. Of course, that is only an analogy and in any case, I don't want to be a party spoiler. But Orchard gets a bit too rowdy on Christmas Eve. Hah - and in Chinese it's called 平安夜 - the irony. Do you find Orchard Road peaceful on Christmas Eve? Hell no, crowd trouble comes into mind and the whole place just serves to piss you off. Oh, plus the surfacing of New Age Robbers, things really couldn't get much worse.

Presents (?)
As mentioned earlier, Christians will receive presents for this occasions, would they not? Well, they could encourage non-Christians to do the same. But to receive presents, you first must give. It's only logic that you must give and take. And it's only polite to do so. Problem here lies in what present to give - requires lots of brain cells, and the thing about presents you must give someone a present of equal value. You can't lose out, but nor can you take advantage because people will think you're cheapskate. If your present costs less than the one you are receiving, then you might think "oh shit - now my reputation would be that of a miser." If your present costs more than the one you are receiving, then you might think - "f**k. kena jack!"

So either way it isn't very good. Either way there's some element of JACK somewhere.

Now having rebutted the "good" points of X'mas, let me bring you some bad points.

Presents
As mentioned earlier, you spend money buying them. You also spend time, and time is money. So you end up losing a lot of money.

Temper
Especially for the Orchard gang. Sure get pissed off, and instead of a festive mood, you get to celebrate Christmas with nurses and docs if you're unlucky enough to piss off a Beng or a psychopath. There happens to be a lot around Orchard now, from what I heard.

Wasted holidays
Of 365 days in a year, Christmas has to fall on a school holiday. Now that is what I call bad planning and bad spreading out of holidays. That's not maximising the usage of the holidays! I know, Jesus had to be born on that day so the Singapore education system should really shift the school holidays. This is not selfish, this is called maximising your resources.

Proximity to New Year
Actually you could ignore the first three reasons, because they were there to make the post look better. I prefer to have more points than just one, but this is the most important shit of all.

CHRISTMAS = 6 days to NEW YEAR = DAMN CLOSE TO SCHOOL REOPENING!

Waaaaaaaaaaaa! Then you realise that you don't have much time left of the holidays after Christmas passes. And you've realised that before that you have spent a lot of time preparing for the big event called Christmas. So essentially, Christmas is like a straw, sucking up your time and then throwing you back into the abyss of school. Since we all know that school sucks, all the more Christmas is like a straw.

I think it's proven that

And means comes faster.

Thus, = NO GOOD

Proven enough. So don't celebrate Christmas, otherwise you might find yourself getting jacked. Then "eh where's my hols" will leave you with an echo of "hohohoho" and you will know who is ultimately behind all this that you are going through.

I don't wish to offend anyone, so please note that this is not a rallying cry for everyone to not celebrate Christmas. I offer this as merely advice, not anything to demoralise or spoil the mood. I'm sorry if I spoilt yours, but I don't think so anyway. So just ignore me if you think I'm a spoiler.

Oh, by the way, MERRY CHRISTMAS to all of you!

Project Work

You know, when I went to my grandma's place just a few days back, I had a few problems answering questions about school life. It's not so much that I cannot find the answer to her questions - the problem is in using the language to get the idea across.

The language that YH is proficient in, is unfortunately what I suck at.

She asked me if I was taking the "O" levels, I said no. (miang kao)

She asked me why, I say I don't know but I'm going to JC. (wa em zai, dan wa ai ke gao dong) - I obviously know the reason but I wasn't going to risk explaining RP in dialect.

Logically, she had to ask which JC. I went "err.. lai hok si." (raffles)

Then she had to ask what I was going to do there, which thrown me into the deep end, so I replied, "zor PROJECT." (wa she very understand)

The conversation ended there. I guess there wasn't much to say.

But when I come to think of it now, I do have a lot to say about projects. After all, projects are pretty much part and parcel of RP. If you know the tricks to get around it, you can go pwn RP for your GPA 4. As simple as that. Sometimes, though, if you cannot get your GPA 4, project work skills will come in handy to push you up the next grade. It's just that simple.

Let me just impart some skills to you, the skills that I used to push my Physics CA up and finish with a respectable 2.8. It's respectable because I really don't deserve to pass, but when it comes to RP, what a man's gotta do is what a man's gotta do. I'm a boy, but the principles are generally the same.

(a) Find the best team-mates
By "best", I mean find people who are willing to do all the work and not bitch about it. That's the first requirement. Of course, the person must also be intelligent. I'm not just making groundless claims, because I know Danny is perfectly willing to work and not complain. I don't wish to comment on his intelligence, but let us just take it that we need amiable and intelligent team-mates. Deric the Phillippines scholar is one example.

(b) Consult the teacher and get hints
Don't let up on this one. Make sure you just bug the teacher on tips, even if he is an arsehole. I kept trying to get Desmond Tan to give me the answers for the Performance Task, though he refused. Not being one to give up, I asked Chandy the Physics prize winner. And there you have it, full marks for process. Damn, you say good or not.

(c) Volunteer to allocate and compile the work
It's always good to be a project leader, but only if you're the one doing the allocation. Give yourself the job that requires least work, or better yet don't give yourself anything. You could say, "A, do this. B, do that. C, do that. I will compile everything." Then sit back and relax while they do everything for you. Compiling, contrary to popular belief, doesn't take much effort. Just cram them all into one MS Word document and hand up the work. And oh, the teacher will think you played some part in it, since you're the leader and you handed it in. The truth, of course, is better left unsaid. Only downside to this is that you might have to wait up for your friend to finish all that shit - but it's okay, staying up late to play games beats staying up late to do project.

(d) Pretend to run out of ink
Or just don't buy a printer cartridge at all. This year, I had no ink for ten months - the ten months being from January to October. I didn't lie when I say my printer had no ink, because it really didn't and I was too lazy to go out and buy some. When I got my ink, the printer couldn't work because I hadn't switched it on for too long. That's the bad thing. The good thing is you don't have to spend a cent to get your grades.

I know you might seem to be a selfish arsehole, but that's the way RP works. It trains you to be a ruthless professional, getting what you want and then getting the hell out of there. Don't bother wasting time building relations, project work simply means hit-and-run. They claim they want to foster team spirit and better relations, but they actually just want to see who's the dumb git getting stuck with all the work. Even if you do get marked down on individual effort, the team score will pull you up. Don't worry about being an idiot, that's the way RP is. Survival of the fittest, I like to call it.

Then when you think ahead about JC life, you realise you've got Project Work too. Oh, wonderful. It's just like RE in the secondary school days.

If I had used the above-mentioned method on RE, I would have died badly. Because I happened to be drawn in a group of four people who has very similar thoughts as I. Anyway, they are my friends so I don't mind doing the odd bit of slogging for them. But the significant different between RE and Project Work (PW) is that you can't choose your PW mates!

So why work hard for them when you might not even know them!

Precisely my point. In any case, your absence in the PW group might be greatly valued. Let's put it in diagram format, so everyone can see my point.

Let's say there are four people in a group. We are all equal, and thus can be represented by a square.

You cut yourself out from the group, and in so doing breaks up the continuous flow, the river of ideas that is meant to pass through every group member. Which could be something like this.. (make sure you're on the top right hand corner)

Having communication lines cut off, the other three would have no choice but to adapt. Therefore, they would have to start making a new line of communication excluding you, though of course they cannot completely do so as you are part of their group. New meetings are conducted without you, and ideas go through new channels which you are not privy to. (not like you mind)

And then, unknowingly, a right-angled triangle is formed.

In case you haven't noticed, a triangle is always better than a square. Why?

Firstly, you see soccer tactics. People talk about the 3 Rs of Brazil, they talk about diamond formation (aka two triangle formation) and the 3-pronged attack. Can the same be said about the square? I never heard Mourinho or Wenger playing the Square Formation. It's just so stupid and impractical. Of course, Fergie might want to try it but that's why Man Utd is so lousy.

Secondly, waterpolo tactics. Chinese High (or HCI) has the triangle of Max, Samuel and that short fart back there who has the number 4 cap but I still don't know his name. They essentially have a weak team but they only needed that triangle to secure victories. It's effective enough for them already. It works in the water too!

Thirdly, Malaysia. Even as I try to escape the memories, there can be no doubt that KL is great. It's not only because of the KL Tower, nor KLCC, nor the Twin Towers. They have to come together to be strong, and that is why KL has this GOLDEN TRIANGLE. Without it, what is the use of the four-sided KLCC? You could put all the square buildings anywhere, but to put them into a triangle is the ultimate formation. A triangle is the true symbol of power.

So, a triangle is better than a square. (shown) #

When one enters battle, one must always think about the good of the country that they are fighting for. Similarly, when one enters the realm of RP and PW in JC, one must always think about the good of the team in doing the project.

I therefore encourage all of you to be self-sacrificing beings, and sacrifice yourself for the greater good of the team. Someone must make way to make the triangle anyway - so why not you? Your exclusion can only bring good to the PW team.

Okay, so I hope most of you would have been enlightened about doing PW. I say "most of you", because I still want three people to be in the dark about this. They are, naturally, the people who are going to do PW with me. I think they would be very lucky people, because I find myself a nuisance and my absence would do them nothing but lots of good. So whoever the three lucky guys are, better be thankful.

And oh, everyone else can learn this tactic because it will create trouble. Imagine having four people all using my method for PW, the following scenarios could occur:

(1) All-out war
Bitch and fight openly, but nothing gets done.

(2) Cold war
"You don't want to do, fine. I also don't do. We all die lor!"

(3) Ancient war, where you could call gods down to help you
"Teacher, he don't want to do Project Work!"

Either way, no work will get done and either way, it will be bloody good for my PW team. If everyone is in disharmony, then everyone's project would suck. Then mine might be mediocre but when compared to the rest it would look heavenly. I can go win the RJ Congress hands down, and it just proves you don't have to be good to win something. You just have to know the ways around it, and you just have to create conflict among everyone else. Never mind so long you win in the end.

Such is the ways of RP. I'm sorry if it had made me a cold-blooded killer, but I'm not sorry to get my GPA 4.

Oh well, yea. You might call me inhuman, but if I really were, then I wouldn't even bother to publish this and share my thoughts, would I?

Eh shit!!! Then that might have well been a mistake. It could backfire against me!! What the hell, I'm sure not everyone is as merciless as me, are they..?

Because if they are, I think we might see very interesting scenes for next year's PW. I'd leave you to think about that.

I guess only time can tell. It's best if time tells me that I got a GPA 4 for PW.

feminine and the muscular

Let me begin my essay with a quote from Germaine Greer – “All societies on the verge of death are masculine. A society can survive with only one man; no society will survive with a shortage of women.” An intriguing view perhaps but nonetheless it reflects the views of feminists in our modern society. As we move into the 21st century, we are posed with the question so unrealistic yet not impossible – Are Men Necessary? Undoubtedly, it will have earth-shaking political, economic and social impacts.

Haha, rubbish essay that only got me 20/30.

i believed I have discovered the feminine side of myself. Don't believe? I shall use some formulas and fallacies to prove it.

1. Some of you don't believe it actually but PMS actually stands for poomoodswing, MY moodswings. I have been having moodswings at random for this whole year, feeling extremely happy for one moment without knowing why and extremely pissed off. People like Timon, Adnaan have been subjects of my abuse during my tantrums. As we know, girls often have pms, so formula 1 is proven #

2. I dont know whether it is true or not but I have an inkling that girls like to name their belongings. RIGHT? Maybe, i dont know but i do have a name for everything. I call my pencil case,"pencil case" and i call my acsics racers, "shoes". Of course not forgetting my all-time favourite, Teddy the teddybear and Winnie the Winnie the Pooh.

3. I am very sure that this happens to most girls if not all. The inability to decide whether they should splash the cash on thrash or save the money for another rainy day. We or rather I often spend a long time looking at a particular item spending a long time persuading myself to buy it. When I finally decided to buy it, I will start to convince myself that it isnt too nice after all.
Shoes: $120
Bags: $150
Books:$200
Maintaining this blog: Priceless

For everything else, there's mastercard.

4. Contrary to popular beliefs, I actually aced my art in primary school and did relatively well in secondary sch. By hasty generalization, girls can draw.
Premise 1 : Girls can draw
Premise 2: I can draw
Conclusion. haha lol lol

5. I spend a long time doing up proposals and my homeworks. I have 3 coloured pens in my pencil case and sometimes I even bring 6 different highlighters to school. My textbooks are highlighted in at least 5 different colours with 5 to 6 different coloured pens writing on it. If i spend an hour doing my homework, at least half the time will be spend on formatting the file so that all the sentences align together and they look nice.

6. I have nice handwriting.

7. im a very gossipy person. I have a well-trained network of khakis in gathering the latest gossip about everything under the sun. Then i will consolidate all the gossips i heard and redistribute them to the relevant sources for checking and confirmation. But dont worry i know my limits, if he/she does not want me to spread it rest assured i will zipzip. But if your face kiam pa dont blame it for it.
People always tell me to get a life. Well, ableit not glamourous, it is indeed an interesting life to gossip.

8. I have a perchant for remembering the most minute of details and thrasy information. I can probably remember most of the scandals that happened in sec1 and 2 and all the small small thrasy events/dates/crushes you had on someone if you told me abt it. I can even remember where some of my friends' friend lives even though i dont even know him/her.

9. I have lots of skin care products at home. Bananna boat vitamin E, aloe vera after sun lotion, sunblock, acne cream, pimple cream, neutrogena skin care blahblahblah. The only thing i dont have would probably be SK2.

10. Im a bloody good listener i tell you. You can whine abt anyting to me and i will provide good quality advice.
(Most of the time when people whine to me abt their results i will PRETEND to listen to them and encourage them but actually i will be cursing them cuz i got so much shit committments to handle that studies are always the last on my mind. But then again at least i pretend to listen.)

11. I WHINE ALOT. WHINY PUSSY!

Im a girl, not yet a woman.

Not the only one

Don't think I'm the only one against the New Age Robbers, okay.

This is an extract from The New Paper, the "WHAT'S YOUR TAKE" section:

Do you enjoy shopping at Orchard Road during Christmas time?
"No! Those people who claim they are doing surveys but selling something should be swatted." - Husky

See, I told you those faguts were buggers.

Solitaire

Question: When I went to Orchard to play LAN, why did I play Solitaire?



Answer: Because Solitaire's the only game in town!

(PS - I also saw Clay Aiken playing Solitaire there too once! I got his email, added him the moment I got back, and played Solitaire Showdown together on MSN. I pwned his arse in that hahaha.)

Dammit!

I had a look at The New Paper today - and read the previews for tonight's matches.

West Ham vs Newcastle!!

COME ON SEETOW! I'm ready to take you on!!! Okay it's not as if we owned the clubs but it'll be interesting to see how many goals West Ham is going to beat Newcastle by.

My problem is that the newspapers don't seem to think so. There were SIX reporters/guests who all thought the match would either be a draw or go Newcastle's way. And oh by the way, don't forget West Ham is at home. Six people, six fools. End of Week Six.

I take it as a grave insult, for I feel very disturbed by the lousy predictions. Punters all around Singapore who rely on TNP as a guide are going to lose bad. So I'm here to tell you otherwise - take West Ham and take your money home laughing. If your money is on the magpies, it will only end up like them. Flying away from Upton Park having lost.

I'm just that damn confident that Newcastle is in for a hammering. Stupid TNP doesn't know shit. And if you'd like to know what I really think, I think that West Ham would most probably go through the Christmas season unbeaten. Though of course I'm not betting on that yet, it can wait.

If West Ham loses tonight, I'll wear my short pants to school for the first day of next year.

If West Ham wins, Seetow you'll have to stop spamming the tagboard. Deal?

Week 6 of holidays

Are you thinking what I'm thinking..?

If you're not, then better start. I'm thinking that holidays last 8 weeks, plus that little crappy New Year's Day holiday so we go back to school on Tuesday. As if that's going to help a lot. And as far as I'm concerned, already 6 weeks have passed. This means 6/8 = 75%, there's only 25% of the holidays left.

Now are you thinking what I'm thinking..?

Of a particular four-letter word that I once posted up here as a picture.

This week was highly destructive (opposite of productive). For once in my life (one of my lives last a year), I went to clear my room. I realised I actually had a lot of shit in my cupboards, drawers, and especially on the table. Oh and by the way if you want to know how I define shit, it's those little worksheets that you get throughout the year. I could upload a picture but that would take too long, but I'm pretty sure you know what worksheets are. They hold lots of sentimental value to me, especially one where I cut my hand (accidentally) on it.

Guess what that made? BLOODY SHIT!!

Haha no pun intended. I know the word "worksheet" sounds very much like "work shit" but anyway it's just a matter of pronouncing the extra letter there, which I don't make a habit of doing it. After all, isn't the work you get just nothing but a bunch of crap testing your knowledge, or rather exposing your weaknesses?

I found it lame, a waste of time.

So I started clearing them one by one, level by level. I still have some Sec 1 worksheets left over, don't know why I even kept them for. In the end I put all the worksheets I didn't want into a huge plastic bag. Then I lifted it up and immediately sprained my back.

Baskit, I'd rather go buy 5kg bag of rice!! The bloody stack of worksheets weighed 8kg!! Now each piece of paper would just barely weigh a few grams, how did this whole stack of worksheets weigh so much? I suspected that there must have been some irregularities somewhere, and so I started checking them out in detail. Then I weighed the plastic bag.

That was Monday. I did all these on Monday.

Tuesday to Friday, I went to count the worksheets in the bag.

Okay that's how I spent my week.

I realised I've about 5,613 pieces of paper in the bag. Maybe the staples also have some weight, so hence the 8kg. I'm not doubting it anymore. Now I'm just waiting for a karung guni to come by so I could drop by all the shit to him. Problem with karung gunis nowadays, they are damn selfish. Everytime give them newspapers, they give you that Jay Chou "hi-I'm-a-rock-star-but-you're-not" face.

If Jay Chou gave it to me, at least he's a rock star. Stupid karung guni isn't, then after that he'll just toss you a few twenty-cent coins and then go on to his next victim. If survey people are New Age Robbers, then karung gunis are most probably New Age Burglars. Those faguts just kope your newspapers, leave a few coins behind as a sign of his break-in, then go around koping more newspapers.

Can't stand them all. Wait till I give them my 8kg pile, I think I'd be rich. Because I haven't found any work these holidays, and thus am having zero income. Of course, I wasn't exactly particularly looking for a job, so there's no wonder I can't find one. If you're thinking that I've been slacking for the whole damn holidays, then you're wrong.

For one, I was counting worksheets.

For another one, I was doing housework.

You think you do a lot of housework is it?!

Why don't you try sweeping the floor for starters, and then using a wet cloth to scrub the tiles everywhere? After which you go get tablecloths to clean the tables around the house, hang some clothes, take out another batch of clothes from the rack to fold it, and then keeping all the clothes into various wardrobes?

Okay I admit I don't do all of those. But I do around half of that, which is still quite a lot. This is the only sort of work I have, housework. And I'm not even paid. Anyway, as most people put it, they work for experience, so I've got what I wanted. Lots of experience.

Damn, I'm going to be a superb cleaner when I grow up.

But of course, I'm going to be a musician before that.

Through these six weeks, I'm pretty much surprised I haven't touched my recorder. Spiders are probably making cobwebs in it already. I think I'm really wasting my talent away, since there are only two weeks left before I go set up Raffles Blowers in JC. Either that or I'll set up The Integrals, but that sounds a rather invalid name for a CCA. Maybe I'll just try to stash Integrals into Raffles Blowers and go trick all the people involved. Sounds good. Though of course my music sounds better, but that's not the point.

The point is, after posting so much, I'm just reminding you there are two weeks left.

Week 7 I'll prepare for Christmas. Week 8 I'll prepare for New Year.

Then I can go prepare for some orientation shit. Since they already banned taupoks, wonder what will come out for next year. Newspaper might print "school in Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area (again, though we're not mentioning the school for privacy's sake) got this.. blah", then we can have fun for all our GP papers. Who are they kidding, not mentioning JC in Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area because they don't want others to know?

If you still don't know now, it's RJC. I'm telling you because I'm pretty sure I've got this nail on its head. Haha good right.

Yes it is good. Maybe I should update more on JC as the dates come closer.

It's a very exciting prospect to be drawing closer and closer to the date.

At last, back to those radical days, where I sleep at crazy hours and wake up at (crazy+1) hours. Very wonderful way of making your body work. In Sec 4 I guess you could say I was pretty much cannot-be-bothered already, so I slept quite a lot. But Sec 3, I was a hardcore believer in finishing my homework. So I would usually stay up till 4am to complete my homework, then sleep till 8am.

You didn't hear me wrong, 8am. I just go to school and collect one demerit. No big deal. After which the cycle repeats until I get five demerits. Then I start going at 7am and sacrifice one hour of sleep.

I suspect JC will be something like that. And I wish I could say more, but I could hear the horn of the karung guni man.

My 8kg stack is waiting already.

He'd better give me loads of money, that piece of shit.

Because I've a lot of SHIT to give him, trust me.

Chandy for life!

A Tribute to Chandy: Chandy for life! (Chandy/dx)

Chandy is my Maths teacher from 2004 to 2005. He is an insprational teacher who can motivate even the most slack of students. In Sec 3, I failed my CT pretty badly and Chandy almost whooped my arse. His repeated asking, "What happened, Yeh-jiey, what happened?!" woke me up with a jolt and from then on I never dared fail any Maths CTs. Totally powerful force. I started doing my Maths in the garden, where there were logs (log) and a lawn (ln). This improved my performance a lot.

In Sec 4, he continued powering our brain cells. I never failed any Maths test and it's because Chandy always invigilated. His very presence, his aura, has affected me to such a great rate that I find it hard to fail when he's around. He radiates not electromagnetic fields, but graphmatica skills. Truly admirable. When the movie "Constantine" came out - the only thing I could link it up with was "Cos-sin-tan" or perhaps, k. Because k is a constant. Such is the power of Mathematics.

Well, I guess it's not enough just rambling on and on about him. As the laws of Mathematics go, if you want to show that something is true, you must PROVE it. How do you know that sin 90 deg = 1, and that half pi radians is equal to 90 deg? I guess there's really no way to know unless you prove it.

First, let us get to the point. Who is Chandy? We will now review some Maths teachers and find out who he is by elimination. It's like having 2x = 14x²-6x, you could always remove the x from both sides, then you solve the question. Simple?

Let's begin.

She might not look like much in this picture, but students all over RI have fallen for her as fast as Chandy sketches ln graph questions. Some even tried failing Maths in order to stay in RI another year to get a few more glimpses of her face. Oh well, nice try, because from what I know no one is staying behind.




But one thing's for certain, and that is she isn't Chandy. Duh.

Though I must admit she's quite hot (and I'm sure many others would agree with me, especially the Bollywood star who goes around smelling flowers), she doesn't have the clinical finishing of Chandy. It's rather sad but she has to be eliminated.

Next up is a potential candidate to be a Chandy, but he has fallen short in his enthusiasm. Chandy infects us all with passion, power and enthusiasm. He sets the whole class on fire with his challenging Mathematics questions, and err.. the guy below..




Has left a lot to be desired.

However, he is the HEAD OF DEPARTMENT OF MATHS at RI. Big shot, but not big enough as Chandy - who despite having the talent declines to be head for reasons of humility.

Eh, then we come to yet another teacher of excellent calibre, being the former head of department. She taught YL for Maths this year and he has produced questionably questionable results, which I don't know if it's good or bad because I haven't seen it.




There, YL's dear Maths teacher for 2004-05.

Also has a penchant for making students stand in one line outside the Staff Room. I personally got that treatment along with the whole Sec 1 class (Sherwin Sim's fault!!) because that stupid hottie forgot to submit a list of names of some Maths Day competition. The result? We got disqualified from the competition and qualified for the Guinness Book of Records for standing outside the staff room for 61 days, 21 hours, 4 minutes and 59 seconds. (that's how it felt)

Seems like the search has been highly unsuccessful - for we have yet to unearth Chandy. The following is one of the more prominent Sec 4 teachers, teaching quite a number of classes. She does come quite close to Chandy in a sense, because she does have a little bit of experience in the field of PHYSICS. Why?




Because she's a converter!!!

A devout Christian, she spends her time teaching calculus while at the same time inculcating Christian values into her students. I don't know if it's the truth, but this is what I've been hearing from one of her students (unnamed to protect identity) from 4D, her form class. Apparently, it does help a bit, because when her students don't study for their Maths test, they pray to God and sometimes it's answered. Only sometimes. In any case, it's one of the alternative methods that Chandy never showed us.

Chandy only taught us to love Maths. He taught us to eat Maths, drink Maths, breathe Maths, hear Maths, see Maths and basically just live Maths.

As long as you have Maths in your life, you will always see the light.

I took his advice, and I saw the light.




(Picture courtesy of Sherlock, who is known for his Chandy jokes)

This, my friends, is the Maths and Physics professor, Chandy.

As I quote Sherlock, there is no such thing is too many Chandies. A perfect Maths department is when Chandy = infinity, and an imperfect Maths department is where Chandy is less than infinity, and that's shown. Now you go on to do your homework, Questions 1-30, all very easy, and show it to me in class tomorrow. I don't want to hear your excuses - just go home, sit down for half an hour, all finish, no problem.

Now I give you the various Chandy quotes, and these are what makes him truly great.

Chandy when pissed off / rushed (no one does his homework)
a) "Why didn't anyone do the homework?!! No point discussing, you know, no point!"

b) "Never mind, since you all never do at home, you all do now. If later you finish doing no time to discuss, not my fault." (folds arms and sits on teacher's table)

c) "We're behind time!!" (We're at WS 3 and people in CSC's class haven't started the topic)

d) "Never do, never mind. We have Pop Quiz first, later then we go back to the worksheet." (most toxic treatment, after that most people did their homework)

Chandy the Mature
Chandru: How do you find out what lies on the other end of the asymptote?

Some idiot: Just guess.

Chandru: No what if you guess wrongly? You must use [some complicated formula]..

Ihtimam: Sir why don't you substitute and plot the points?

Chandru: No, no, no, no, that's kiddish work! Very kiddish! Don't ever use that okay! It's very kiddish.

Chandy and his Tricks
a) "Eh, this question can do by shortcut method!!"

b) "Don't do by [some faggot long way], it takes too long. Tricks, you must learn some tricks!!"

c) "It's better to write c = constant, because you do like that you are like telling the examiner - 'Don't play with me, I know what I'm doing!'" (when doing integration)

Chandy the Motivational
a) "Aiya Maths Common Test nothing la, just go in, sit down, have fun can already!"

b) "Eh no problem la, very easy!!" (when I asked about upcoming Maths test)
Result: AROUND HALF THE CLASS FAILED

c) "It's okay to make mistakes. Shawn, go make mistakes on the board!"

d) "Integration very easy, close one eye also can do." (when I went to see him after missing the first two lessons on integration, which I never did quite recover from)

Chandy the Controversial
a) "The heat is hot here. But I'm not feeling hot still anyway.." (Chandy turning off the fans in the classroom because it makes a lot of noise)

b) Refer to "Chandy the Motivational" part (b), for this is a continuation.

Class: Sir, you said the test was easy!

Chandy: Ya it's very easy what!

(Slight pause)

Chandy: Okay la next time I don't say easy, I say DAMN hard. I say easy only then you all slack, and then don't want to put in effort. Next time I say VERY HARD, okay?

Chandy the Curriculum Planner
a) "I want to teach you now, but never mind I think I let RJC do it."

b) "This one is very interesting, they'll cover it in university."

c) "Ah.. okay, vectors last topic of the year! Sad right." (class goes "aww")

d) Midway through Term 3, we wanted to know what was in store for us.

Adnaan: Sir, what's after integration?

Chandy: September holidays.

Chandy the Fortune Teller
a) "What's the probability of all of you passing your Maths test?"

b) "Your future depends on calculus!"

c) "You don't know this formula, go RJC you die."

Chandy the Local Doctor
Especially when it comes to me. (I was sleeping in class)

Chandy: Eh wake up!

Me: Hmm?

Chandy: Never sleep last night right.. asking for trouble.

Chandy's Classics
a) "You tell me!" or "You tell me la [name], you tell me!!"

b) "Waa.. now technology, life easy." (when fiddling with the pointer on screen, which allowed enlargement and shrinking of the screen size)

c) "Now RP. You tell me, not I tell you."

d) "So not graded then can anyhow do is it."

e) "Wa, so cold." (then he switches off the fans while crossing his arms and pretending to shiver)

f) "Homework very easy, half an hour can finish all." (usually not the case)

g) "Assignment back by Monday. I don't want any excuses, I already give you a lot of time."

h) "Don't know, can cheat. Just use Graphmatica."

i) "You all just cannot be bothered, cannot be bothered!" (when no one does his homework, he says this with a more than slight shake of the head while walking away)

j) "Kennet Tay, where's your assignment?" (the name is there for a reason, and this is usually followed by the "cannot be bothered" statement)

k) "No la, my IQ very low. I'm stupid, but I work hard!"

That's it for quotes. He's just that marvellous, okay. So just as you take in your next breath of Mathematics, don't forget that the breath you take in is also a part of Chandy.

Chandy = Mathematics -- (1)
Mathematics = Life -- (2)
From (1) and (2), Chandy = Life. (shown)

Chandy for life!!!

Before I leave, I would just like to make a few Chandy jokes. Of course, it's nothing compared to Ihtimam's jokes, for he is the official guy to look up on Chandy. (Ihti's jokes can be found on a class blog which I better not say too much about, if you want details then you can ask.)

The jokes here are just for the fun of it.

Question: Why does Chandy get pissed off with Grace Chong?
Answer: Because Grace Chong teaches us to write half-equations!

Question: How many goals did Chandy score in interclass soccer?
Answer: Three. (Three-goal = trigo)