Latest news: 5/9/05

INTEGRATED NEWS - ISSUE ONE

The Integrals lead singer Chan Yuk Lun has apparently been in the middle of a scandal. He, of course, vehemently denies all the claims although he did admit quite a few things that he would like us not to publish. The Non-Buaya Association (NBA) has decided that henceforth, investigations will be conducted on him to ensure his eligibility to stay in the NBA, or at least for a few months. Yuk Lun, however, pledges his loyalty to the NBA amid all the rumours about him. He also beseeches all kind-hearted people out there to donate generously to his Fund for Uganda's Cancerous Kids, better known as FUCK.

Despite all this, the saga still continues. Early this afternoon at around 1:40pm, Yuk Lun was spotted at Junction 8 being cool. His sidekicks, Poo Yi Hong and Lim Yejie were also at the scene wanting to make their way home. Yejie, who is currently down with homesickness, apparently started seeing things that Yuk Lun might be wanting to see. This led to The Integrals on a wild goose chase, searching for that special someone that was never there. Yuk Lun was sorely disappointed, and although Yi Hong wanted Yuk Lun to give her a call, he replied, "I don't want to disturb her."

How very touching indeed. Moving on to other news, the donation drive for Uganda's Cancerous Kids are still yielding no results, which means that Yi Hong will still be lacking of a party horn or a trumpet. Yuk Lun's reluctance to sing for money is alleged to be one of the main reasons as to why the fund is still empty. However, the recorder player Yejie doesn't appear to be bothered and was quoted as saying that practice will soon begin and RI can prepare for some really great integrated music when school reopens. There is also an appeal going on for someone to bring a hat where we can store our money in.

Meanwhile amid all the excitement about The Integrals and Yuk Lun, the other members have not been idling either. Yi Hong has been busy abusing Certain Eligible Characters for the leadership of the CEC Council as well as snapping photos for the last house event of the year which he is very sure of beating Morrison. Yejie, on the other hand, has been trying to compose new songs on his recorder but is rather distracted by mugging for Chinese. This has led to him having Night Fever - and ultimately Wasted Days And Wasted Nights. Now he is battling insanity so that he can play his recorder peacefully once again.

The Yuk Lun affair has also seem to have taken a collective toll on his two sidekicks, the above-mentioned Yi Hong and Yejie. We are in severe need of plumbers (because of leaking fixtures) and first-grade cordiceps or Pi Pa Gao after howling like wolves. Yejie, until now, still firmly believes that he is a Werewolf and cannot mug for Chinese for more than five minutes before howling out loud. So this is what RI calls the hols - howling out loud stupidly.

Nevertheless despite all these exciting news, The Integrals seem to be staying intact for now. However, who knows what the future will bring? Stay tuned for more excitement in the next few days. - Reuters