About the French

Before I start let me assure you this is not an attack against the French, it is merely my observations of them and I'll include some anecdotes from.. elsewhere. I will try to partake as neutral a view as possible, but it's not my darn fault if I get carried away. Just blame the French.

It's a funny thing, you know, going for DELF proficiency tests. I still had fond memories of the first one I had just around half a year ago in June, where the French claimed that they would "send me the certificate a month after taking the test".

Well if you'd like to know I collected my CT results before I collected the French certificate. In the meantime I lodged complaints and bitched to everyone in about every avenue that I could bitch on. After all, it's my first test and I'd just like to get some recognition for it.

My French teacher at MOELC, Mme Tse YL, a very kind old lady well-versed in French, had words to say to me that I'll never forget. Oh by the way she's an African who had ridden ostriches and shot elephants in her heydays, but I think she doesn't do that sort of thing now. You could verify these facts with Tea Zhi Hao or Chan Yuk Lun - and I swear (okay actually I don't) I'm telling the truth. Really!

Nevertheless when I complained to her that "those people at Alliance (Française) are taking a damn long time to send me my cert", she replied. "You must understand, that they are the French. They have their own way of doing things, and the French do things anyhow. The other time I went to study in France, they told me that they didn't have my passport! But after a week, it just appears. So when dealing with the French, you must be patient.."

I was very patient when she kept rambling on about the French. She took like half a lesson to get this point across. Now you know why my standard of French can be comparable to the cows on their farms.

Eh I'm not saying she's a bad teacher, okay.. I think she's one of the best there are at MOELC. I mean, duh, that's why Zhi Hao decided to come to our class, right?

Well until now I still remember these words - "The French do things anyhow."

The confirmation letter for DELF A2 was riddled with mistakes. Even I, standard of French equivalent to that of a French cow, could point out the silly spelling mistakes all over the place. I would really want to post it here, only that it's in French. And it's in the rubbish bin at AF, because the stupid examiner went to crush that slip along with my rough paper. Like wtf, okay.

Anyway that's not the point. Today I went into the classroom for the written segment. It's bloody crazy because everyone were just bunched together, making it exceedingly easy to copy. I'm serious about this one - any dumb fag without any knowledge of French whatsoever can go in and pass the paper because he copied the smart guy beside him. It's that easy, and it's that anyhow. The French couldn't even bother to separate the tables.

Not that I mind - this is not my complaint. I'm just saying this so that all of you readers out there who wants a free certificate could try this. Just obtain a 5/25 for the oral segment and ta-da, there you have your cert.

Well the written segment started with listening comprehension. The French cow (aka me) thought that his standard of French had deteriorated to ZERO, because he could hardly understand what the hell was going on in the passage. After a while, he gave up even listening. I think everyone else did as well.

Suddenly, the examiner piped up, "Oh sorry - wrong tape."

This led to spontaneous applause.

The second listening soon started, and okay.. it was still as difficult as ever. I really can't imagine what was wrong, and I thought I was gonna die. The passage ended far too quickly. The second passage began faster than I expected. I almost cried when I saw my blank script. I mean after being top for DELF A1 I thought I could handle this.. but nothing turned out right.

Then yet again the examiner said, "Eh it's still the wrong tape."

See what I mean about the French?

It took her at least twenty minutes to get the correct tape. And after that we began to complete our other segments. I finished the darn paper like half an hour before time, so I was just sitting down and looking around.

Not that there was a lot to look at, because I was sitting at the back. There were plenty of girls, sure, but why the hell do you look at them from the back?

Let me put forward to you Nicky's Law - made by RI Waterpolo's very own Nicky Ong.

Nicky's Law Number One states that "all girls look chio from the back." (granted)

Nicky's Law Number Two states that "all girls that look chio from the back might not necessarily look chio from the front - and usually, 95% of the time, the girl is ugly."

The probability did not excite me, and therefore I went to sleep.

When I woke up, I found the examiner talking to some RG girls in front. This was outrageous - if it was a test she certainly did not show it. It was like some Q&A session, because she even translated for us the bloody composition question. Waa.. now even the extremist non Frenchie also can pass DELF. I felt damn cheated.. damn, damn, damn cheated.

The Sec 2 beside me kept smiling as I kept uttering vulgarities. I also tried saying "cheat" but she wasn't really listening. Oh well. Then I found out this Sec 2 was a Bayleyean.

...how jacked can you get.

Well at least after the written segment the worst was over. The oral segment later was also kind of interesting, because I screwed it up as well. I couldn't figure out what to say so I had to moo at the examiner.

Conclusion: French people cannot set test questions for nuts.

Conclusion 2: And I can't draw lots for marks.

I drew lots to pick my test question, and these two came out.

The first was, "Compare the differences of watching movies at home and at the cinema."

How much can you say about it? If you think you can say a lot and talk a lot of cock about it, you might be right. But try doing it in French, the examiner would laugh at you.

This was how my oral went (in French):

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Examiner - So, what are the differences?

Me - Well it's cheaper to watch at home, though the screen is smaller.

Examiner - How so?

Me - Er..

Examiner - How much is a ticket in the cinema?

Me - Around $8. (had to lie since I don't even watch any damn movies)

Examiner - Oh, so it's cheaper to watch it at home?

Me - I think so. A VCD would only cost $14, and the whole family can watch it.

(Examiner nods.)

Me - And err.. $8 multiplied by 4 would be $32. The VCD costs $14. So obviously it would be less expensive (I forgot the word for "cheap" at the moment) to watch a movie at home as $32 is more than $14.

Examiner - Ah yes. (He almost laughed.)

Me - Yes, so when I watch movies, I watch at home.

Examiner - Well, who's your favourite actor?

Me - Uh, Rowan Atkinson. Also known as "Monsieur Bean". (I could seriously kick myself for that sort of stupid statement!!)

Examiner - (Finding it hard to control himself, but still keeps himself in check)

Me - Well he's a comedian. I like him. He's funny.

Examiner - (Probably thinking "you're funnier", but nods.) Okay.

Me - I prefer comedies to horror films.

Examiner - Why?

Me - Because after watching, I might not be able to sleep at night.

(I had to laugh softly at myself before he did it for me)

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Well, I do hope he knows that I liked Maths. (I'm very sure that 8 x 4 = 32)

Second question was roleplay. "Imagine you are a student that just came out of college, and a director wants you to act in his film."
(I was to be the student, but what the hell are you going to say in this situation?!)

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Examiner - Hey, are you interested to act in my film? (some starting it is)

Me - Err.. yes.

(Silence. Like what else is there to say)

Me - I mean.. no. I mean, I'm interested, sure. What sort of a film is it? (now we're getting somewhere)

Examiner - Oh, it's a modern film.

(Silence again)

Me - Well, must I sign a contract?

Examiner - Yes, and you're eighteen, so you don't need your parents to sign it.

(More silence)

Me - Umm okay. What is the filming duration?

Examiner - Two months!

Me - What! I mean.. yea okay, how many hours a day?

Examiner - Oh I'm afraid it's gonna be a lot, ten hours.

Me - I'm afraid my schedule is going to be rather busy. I want to go to other countries for my university education. (Didn't know where that came from)

Examiner - Is it? Which university?

Me - Uh, Harvard.

Examiner - Harvard.. cool. (also nothing to say already)

Me - Yes, taking literature. (proving I knew nothing about Harvard)

Examiner - Literature, eh. Okay..

(Silence once again, it's really deja vu by now)

Examiner - Okay could I have your handphone number?

Me - *Utters a string of random numbers starting with 9*

Examiner - Could I call you?

Me - Yes anytime. I'm available for all hours (direct translation) except for the night after 10pm.

Examiner - Okay I see, thank you.

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And that was that. The end of the oral and probably the end of my French journey. I can't imagine how life in JC will be like if I continue to take French, and thankfully it doesn't seem too late to change my subject combination.

The examiner actually shook my hand at the end of the oral when I said "bye". I think he loves me for my valiant attempts in speaking French.

That was before he crushed my exam schedule along with my rough paper.

I think that's all there is to say about the French.

And I will still love them.