Who's the one?

Today, right after training, was supposed to be a farewell lunch for the Sec 4s.

Well, as the name Sec 4s suggest, only FOUR of us turned up.

One of them was perennial absentee Daniel Ong. And that is because Danny had to rush off somewhere to meet someone. Seng Kong had to get his computer fixed (lamest excuse ever). While Yuk Lun had a supposed P6 class gathering!! (okay for once I'll believe him la). Think waterpolo people can come up with the crappiest reasons ever.

Now here's the deal. The "someone" in Danny's case is a GIRL!! You heard it, it's not WoW. A girl. Surprising, huh? Considering how he ditched another one for whatever game he was playing in the past.

Forget that.

I need help in finding out who she is.

According to Danny, the clues are as follows:
L _ _ _ _ _ N (and in that 5 blanks in between, there's another N)

That's all he has given me. I don't know who is it, so I really need help in finding out. I'm sure that YH and YL would also dearly love to find out - but too bad, our interrogation today failed due to various factors.

I was thinking that the answer is Lincoln.. but err isn't he like a very, very manly man? Anyway given Danny's penchant for lying, it might be possible that he might be misleading us.

So whoever who knows, please step forward on the tagboard.

Or better yet, if you've gone out with Danny today and would like to admit, say it.

Any information just whack. We don't mind analysing them. Okay that's it.

view from a bus

As those normal people amongst you may know, the passenger compartment of the bus is higher than that of the car, and thus one is able to see into the car from the bus. Today I took a bus, and it stopped at a traffic light. It was terribly unfortunate, for the traffic light had just turned red, meaning a long wait ahead. I looked around, and into the car that stopped right beside the bus, and I saw this man in the front passenger seat massaging the thigh of the female driver! Slow and steady. It must have been pleasurable, because the female driver was putting her hand on his, as if urging him on.

I think the wait was quite a long one, since the bus was coming out from a small road, and throughout the entire duration of it, the man's hand never stopped massaging . Neither did it change pace. Slow and steady. The man must have had a very strong hand. This might not be so funny if not for the fact that half the people on the bus were looking at them as well, and both of them were blissfully unaware.

Call me a wet blanket if you want, but I think that what they are doing is wrong. They are putting the lives of other people on the line. What if the female driver's leg feels so song during or after the massage that it suddenly spasm? Then the car will probably spin and turn over and kill many many people. And when you kill people, it is simply wrong.

Simply the Best

GEORGE BEST
1946 - 2005


I'm sure you would all have known by now that George Best has died.

If you don't, I'm telling you now. And I'm telling you as well you should 1) stop playing WoW, 2) go read some papers. Actually you don't even need to read the papers for this tabloid here can tell you.

Now on to business. I'm really saddened by his death because I honestly think he was once a great football player. He was a great dribbler, making fools out of his opponents, and always scoring cheekily. I'm a great fan of his, and his gameplay is simply scintillating (though I've never actually watched him in action). The way the experts describe him, I suppose that I could give an account of how he plays as well. Seriously, he's just that damn good.

But he has made a great mistake in life. A grave, grave, mistake.

And contrary to popular belief, I don't think the mistake is with alcholism. After all, tons of football players (and non-football players) drink. The booze is a way of life in England - so what the hell is wrong if a talented players wants his share? I say give it to him. The player will just have to exercise discipline if he wants to drink. Old Georgie Best certainly didn't, but no big shit - that wasn't his greatest mistake.

His mistake? Playing for Manchester United, that dumb cunt.

Who in the right mind wants to play for Manchester United? Everyone in that set-up is destined for doom and ill fate. Now before you say I'm spouting rubbish, we'll just have a few case studies.

Roy Keane
If you haven't been reading about George Best, you wouldn't know about Roy Keane. Well they say he walked out of the club, though we all know the reality is that Sir Alex Ferguson, that ruthless bastard, had yet again gotten rid of one of his most loyal players. I mean after twelve years of service, all he'd get was a kick out? Not even a thank you card? Or at least some pension for his old age? They didn't state that in the papers anyway. What's more that cunning old sod had to do it before Christmas so there would be less United players to give bonuses to. Seriously, I despise that old bastard Ferguson and so should all of you. He's old, but he's still a bastard.

David Beckham
Another victim of Fergie's and the Manchester United set-up. Because Manchester United is basically catered for Fergie, if you haven't noticed. They won't dare sack that old cantankerous twat (ie fighting bull) because he's got a hair dryer and he uses it to "treat" his players. The board probably fears him as well. Well Golden Balls here hasn't had much better luck with Man Utd, what with a boot on his face and a royal merciless kick out (à la Roy Keane). Ferguson hasn't apologised for the incident as far as I recall, and it's not because my memory is bad. I can remember why he kicked the boot at Beckham - because those devils lost (haha losers!!) AT HOME against West Ham Utd 0-1 in the FA Cup Fourth Round in 2003. So how's that.

If the two people above say they have immense respect for Fergie, then they are bloody lying.

Mark Bosnich
Victim of Man Utd. This fat Australian guy eventually got replaced by Mark Schwarzer in the Socceroo's lineup while being sent away from Man Utd. Bosnich ended up stuffing himself with prawn sandwich (eh rhymes), and is currently at who-knows-where. Not like anyone at Man Utd (or anywhere else for that matter), will miss him. Except maybe his mother.

Eric Cantona
Temperamental old French sod also disappeared after a soggy affair with Man Utd. I liked his karate kick, which probably was developed in his days with Man Utd. They develop your violent tendencies then dock your pay - and that is how Man Utd stays rich.

Wayne Rooney
Boy, he's got such an ugly fiancee. Devil never gets the best women.

Massimo Taibi
Another victim of the Scary Scot called Fergie. Just because they lost one match to Chelsea, albeit by a scoreline of 5-0, he sacked him for life. It's not fair, he wasn't even given a chance. But what to do when you're at Man Utd? Jinx club.

Fabien Barthez
Winner at France 98, but what happened after he went to Man Utd? He got criticised for his antics and started screwing up. In the end, French companies got him to advertise for butter and Fergie just froze his arse off while he brought in Tim Howard.

Tim Howard
Also gone just because of one or two lousy performances. I told you Fergie was a bastard.

I think that's more than enough proof that Man Utd is jinxed. All the players were excellent at their former clubs, but fell quickly at Man Utd because of the jinx and then get blamed for it. Finally, they are mercilessly booted out of the club. Very sad cases here.

And it's pretty evident who the culprit is. This crazy old Scot.



Part of Man Utd set-up. Super jinx.

George Best was slightly different. He suffered the jinx of Man Utd a little late. It is all thanks to the influence of Man Utd that he started drinking, which in turn led to very bad health. Now everyone in Manchester comes to pay tribute to him, but isn't it a bit too late? If old Georgie had never set foot in Man Utd, he could well be alive today blasting Sir Alex. It's just a pity he isn't.

No disrespect to Best, but I don't think he's the best player in the world. Sometimes facts get exaggerated along the way and people start saying he's the best because of his name and his sublime skills. Well.. he is indeed good, but can he be the best in the WORLD?

Pele said he's the "best player in Europe", which might be true. Pele is being a cunning bastard here, for he's trying to imply that he's the best in the world, but no. I don't think Pele is the best either.

Best is not the best simply because V Sundramoothy is. I think he's a tough old fighter.

And don't forget, Singapore won the Tiger Cup in one of these years (damn I forgot, was it this year or last?). Even if he wasn't in the team, I think he must have been an inspiration. After all, he's played in the S League so long and inspired so many wannabes. In this sense, I think Fandi Ahmad can rank alongside him. Either Sundram or Fandi has to be the best in the world, because they are so very inspirational.

Well, you might argue, Best was inspirational to some too.

Yes, but did George Best win the Tiger Cup?

I could bet my last dollar he didn't. Only my last dollar, mind you. Meaning $1.

He won everything else except one of the most important competitions. Tiger Cup is one of the most prestigious competitions in the world, in case you didn't know by now. I'm telling you, Tiger Cup must be viewed as an important thing because it brought Singapore to 93rd position in FIFA rankings, top in Southeast Asia and even above Thailand.

Ah, but when Best won the Premier League with Man Utd or whatever cups, did you see England rise to being the top of Europe? Obviously not.

So I think it's evident we should all see Tiger Cup differently. I don't have a picture to show you what the Tiger Cup is like, but rest assured it's more than just a lame picture of a tiger put on a cup. I think you can imagine that. Even if it IS just a lame tiger on a cup, the significance of it is definitely more than what you can imagine. So even though there's no picture, I hope you would learn to appreciate the wonders of Tiger Cup.

Nevertheless, even though one of our local soccer players are the best in the world (because they won Tiger Cup), we must all not forget George Best for being what he is and doing what he liked. He's kind of a coolio and a buaya, but face it, he had l33t soccer skills.

I don't like buayas, but I do like soccer. So George Best will always be remembered in my heart. (I'm lying.)

Rest in peace, Georgie. Fergie's still very much alive, and won't be bugging you down/up there for some time to come. I'd be observing one minute of silence for you when I go to sleep tonight.

Screwed up day

today I took the DELF B1 French test, and realised that the French are really anyhow. For one, you can sit so close to the next person that your elbows touch. In fact, it was so close I accidentally saw some answers. Not that I need it anyway. It was so simple I could have done it with my eyes closed. Doesn't challenge me at all.

EPL is so much more exciting. And Manchester United beat West Ham United. yay. But actually that's nothing to be happy about. I mean, how can anyone lose to a piece of meat? Pork to be precise. And it's not even the whole piece of meat, it's just the west side of it. Their captain is, surprise, a piece of meat as well. Sheringham. Well at least this one shares his meat.

About the French

Before I start let me assure you this is not an attack against the French, it is merely my observations of them and I'll include some anecdotes from.. elsewhere. I will try to partake as neutral a view as possible, but it's not my darn fault if I get carried away. Just blame the French.

It's a funny thing, you know, going for DELF proficiency tests. I still had fond memories of the first one I had just around half a year ago in June, where the French claimed that they would "send me the certificate a month after taking the test".

Well if you'd like to know I collected my CT results before I collected the French certificate. In the meantime I lodged complaints and bitched to everyone in about every avenue that I could bitch on. After all, it's my first test and I'd just like to get some recognition for it.

My French teacher at MOELC, Mme Tse YL, a very kind old lady well-versed in French, had words to say to me that I'll never forget. Oh by the way she's an African who had ridden ostriches and shot elephants in her heydays, but I think she doesn't do that sort of thing now. You could verify these facts with Tea Zhi Hao or Chan Yuk Lun - and I swear (okay actually I don't) I'm telling the truth. Really!

Nevertheless when I complained to her that "those people at Alliance (Française) are taking a damn long time to send me my cert", she replied. "You must understand, that they are the French. They have their own way of doing things, and the French do things anyhow. The other time I went to study in France, they told me that they didn't have my passport! But after a week, it just appears. So when dealing with the French, you must be patient.."

I was very patient when she kept rambling on about the French. She took like half a lesson to get this point across. Now you know why my standard of French can be comparable to the cows on their farms.

Eh I'm not saying she's a bad teacher, okay.. I think she's one of the best there are at MOELC. I mean, duh, that's why Zhi Hao decided to come to our class, right?

Well until now I still remember these words - "The French do things anyhow."

The confirmation letter for DELF A2 was riddled with mistakes. Even I, standard of French equivalent to that of a French cow, could point out the silly spelling mistakes all over the place. I would really want to post it here, only that it's in French. And it's in the rubbish bin at AF, because the stupid examiner went to crush that slip along with my rough paper. Like wtf, okay.

Anyway that's not the point. Today I went into the classroom for the written segment. It's bloody crazy because everyone were just bunched together, making it exceedingly easy to copy. I'm serious about this one - any dumb fag without any knowledge of French whatsoever can go in and pass the paper because he copied the smart guy beside him. It's that easy, and it's that anyhow. The French couldn't even bother to separate the tables.

Not that I mind - this is not my complaint. I'm just saying this so that all of you readers out there who wants a free certificate could try this. Just obtain a 5/25 for the oral segment and ta-da, there you have your cert.

Well the written segment started with listening comprehension. The French cow (aka me) thought that his standard of French had deteriorated to ZERO, because he could hardly understand what the hell was going on in the passage. After a while, he gave up even listening. I think everyone else did as well.

Suddenly, the examiner piped up, "Oh sorry - wrong tape."

This led to spontaneous applause.

The second listening soon started, and okay.. it was still as difficult as ever. I really can't imagine what was wrong, and I thought I was gonna die. The passage ended far too quickly. The second passage began faster than I expected. I almost cried when I saw my blank script. I mean after being top for DELF A1 I thought I could handle this.. but nothing turned out right.

Then yet again the examiner said, "Eh it's still the wrong tape."

See what I mean about the French?

It took her at least twenty minutes to get the correct tape. And after that we began to complete our other segments. I finished the darn paper like half an hour before time, so I was just sitting down and looking around.

Not that there was a lot to look at, because I was sitting at the back. There were plenty of girls, sure, but why the hell do you look at them from the back?

Let me put forward to you Nicky's Law - made by RI Waterpolo's very own Nicky Ong.

Nicky's Law Number One states that "all girls look chio from the back." (granted)

Nicky's Law Number Two states that "all girls that look chio from the back might not necessarily look chio from the front - and usually, 95% of the time, the girl is ugly."

The probability did not excite me, and therefore I went to sleep.

When I woke up, I found the examiner talking to some RG girls in front. This was outrageous - if it was a test she certainly did not show it. It was like some Q&A session, because she even translated for us the bloody composition question. Waa.. now even the extremist non Frenchie also can pass DELF. I felt damn cheated.. damn, damn, damn cheated.

The Sec 2 beside me kept smiling as I kept uttering vulgarities. I also tried saying "cheat" but she wasn't really listening. Oh well. Then I found out this Sec 2 was a Bayleyean.

...how jacked can you get.

Well at least after the written segment the worst was over. The oral segment later was also kind of interesting, because I screwed it up as well. I couldn't figure out what to say so I had to moo at the examiner.

Conclusion: French people cannot set test questions for nuts.

Conclusion 2: And I can't draw lots for marks.

I drew lots to pick my test question, and these two came out.

The first was, "Compare the differences of watching movies at home and at the cinema."

How much can you say about it? If you think you can say a lot and talk a lot of cock about it, you might be right. But try doing it in French, the examiner would laugh at you.

This was how my oral went (in French):

---------------

Examiner - So, what are the differences?

Me - Well it's cheaper to watch at home, though the screen is smaller.

Examiner - How so?

Me - Er..

Examiner - How much is a ticket in the cinema?

Me - Around $8. (had to lie since I don't even watch any damn movies)

Examiner - Oh, so it's cheaper to watch it at home?

Me - I think so. A VCD would only cost $14, and the whole family can watch it.

(Examiner nods.)

Me - And err.. $8 multiplied by 4 would be $32. The VCD costs $14. So obviously it would be less expensive (I forgot the word for "cheap" at the moment) to watch a movie at home as $32 is more than $14.

Examiner - Ah yes. (He almost laughed.)

Me - Yes, so when I watch movies, I watch at home.

Examiner - Well, who's your favourite actor?

Me - Uh, Rowan Atkinson. Also known as "Monsieur Bean". (I could seriously kick myself for that sort of stupid statement!!)

Examiner - (Finding it hard to control himself, but still keeps himself in check)

Me - Well he's a comedian. I like him. He's funny.

Examiner - (Probably thinking "you're funnier", but nods.) Okay.

Me - I prefer comedies to horror films.

Examiner - Why?

Me - Because after watching, I might not be able to sleep at night.

(I had to laugh softly at myself before he did it for me)

---------------

Well, I do hope he knows that I liked Maths. (I'm very sure that 8 x 4 = 32)

Second question was roleplay. "Imagine you are a student that just came out of college, and a director wants you to act in his film."
(I was to be the student, but what the hell are you going to say in this situation?!)

---------------

Examiner - Hey, are you interested to act in my film? (some starting it is)

Me - Err.. yes.

(Silence. Like what else is there to say)

Me - I mean.. no. I mean, I'm interested, sure. What sort of a film is it? (now we're getting somewhere)

Examiner - Oh, it's a modern film.

(Silence again)

Me - Well, must I sign a contract?

Examiner - Yes, and you're eighteen, so you don't need your parents to sign it.

(More silence)

Me - Umm okay. What is the filming duration?

Examiner - Two months!

Me - What! I mean.. yea okay, how many hours a day?

Examiner - Oh I'm afraid it's gonna be a lot, ten hours.

Me - I'm afraid my schedule is going to be rather busy. I want to go to other countries for my university education. (Didn't know where that came from)

Examiner - Is it? Which university?

Me - Uh, Harvard.

Examiner - Harvard.. cool. (also nothing to say already)

Me - Yes, taking literature. (proving I knew nothing about Harvard)

Examiner - Literature, eh. Okay..

(Silence once again, it's really deja vu by now)

Examiner - Okay could I have your handphone number?

Me - *Utters a string of random numbers starting with 9*

Examiner - Could I call you?

Me - Yes anytime. I'm available for all hours (direct translation) except for the night after 10pm.

Examiner - Okay I see, thank you.

---------------

And that was that. The end of the oral and probably the end of my French journey. I can't imagine how life in JC will be like if I continue to take French, and thankfully it doesn't seem too late to change my subject combination.

The examiner actually shook my hand at the end of the oral when I said "bye". I think he loves me for my valiant attempts in speaking French.

That was before he crushed my exam schedule along with my rough paper.

I think that's all there is to say about the French.

And I will still love them.

Week 3 of holidays

There's yet again nothing to do, so I got really bored.

When I get really bored, I do really stupid things. (can be easily shown)

And when I do really stupid things, I do a lot of them.

There's a reason and a logic behind it all. Premise and conclusion.

Premise: It's Friday afternoon and I'm feeling bored, staring out of the window.

Which was something like this:


Conclusion: I am bored and needed some activity.

Then I decided to go out, maybe like, see the world a little bit. Get to know more about Singapore, get to know more about how to go places. It sounded very feasible - and since I was wearing school PE attire, I figured it was more convenient for me to "move about".

However, I intended to do really crazy stuff. On second thoughts I changed out of my PE T-shirt to wear something less.. representative. No one's going to stare at my black shorts that reads "Raffles" anyway. So I started to plan my route and mission objectives.

I came up with a question waiting to be answered:
Which MRT is faster?

And a hypothesis to prove:
Singapore is small.

Then I began my long journey, across vast fields, wide plains, wild animals' territories, unexplored lands, ragged country. It was rather rewarding, though I must say I was almost like a stink bomb at the end of it all.

If you still don't get what I'm talking about, you could just listen to me ramble some more rubbish. I could give you graphic representation so as to make it easier for you to feel how it was like.

When I left my house, I was probably smelling like..





..but the picture above showed how I was most certainly smelling like at the end of my journey. Very unfortunately, there were crowds of people around to get a whiff of me. Well, what did you really expect?

It's a typical Friday evening in Orchard.

I believe I told many people I was going to Orchard - and I meant it. Just that I didn't do shopping or anything - after I arrived, I just went to the toilet to wash up a little, spent a hell lot of time in the backyards of the big shops before hopping on the MRT straight home.

That's what you should do when you're bored.

Frankly, it wasn't that difficult. It took me just slightly more than 37 minutes. I thought it would last two hours or something.

Let me give you a rough guide of the route I took.. and mind you, it's just a rough guide. There might be the odd discrepancy, because I obviously don't run on the top of overhead bridges, not in canals. I can't pinpoint exactly where I ran, because the maps were so lousy. Only helpful to a certain extent.

The starting point - which is my house. Okay you can't see it clearly because a cloud is blocking but you more or less get the idea. The Braddell MRT is just nearby but I bypassed it.


Moving down to Toa Payoh.. and crossing the damn bridge.


This is one killer stretch, because of its traffic lights and the construction all over the place. I had to run on the road on several occasions and the bloody drivers (not the waterpolo kind) are rather impatient. Sources say that Novena produces the most irritable drivers of all. One even pointed me a middle finger but pity the picture doesn't show it:


Another killer stretch in the form of Newton Circus. There were many angmoh jaywalkers so I thought - why not - so while they jaywalked, I jayran across. It certainly brings excitement to your boring holiday life. Oh MRT's nearby, by the way:


Finally, the final killer stretch. On top of the traffic jam, you have human jam as well! Plus there are very few jogger tracks so I was forced onto the road again. This one was more thrilling - because there were no pedestrian paths nor traffic lights. Had to dash across a four-lane road while the lights were red. Very dangerous indeed. I think there is a serious problem with road construction nowadays. The right turn just before RGS (near Stevens Road and Anderson Road) especially could kill. One bastard purposely drove faster so I couldn't jayrun the damn road.

Sources indicate that those drivers in and out of Orchard Road are big time bastards. Especially since it's Friday evening and we don't know why they are all in a hurry just to get home.

The human jam started in Scotts Road. But when the stinkbomb (refer to picture above) came, they parted like the Red Sea just for me! Sometimes I feel damn honoured, but not until a dog started growling at me.

I ran up and into the MRT:


And that was the end of a wondrous journey, though I needed almost an hour to clean up. Even longer than the journey to Orchard.

I guess the lesson to learn here is never to end your run at Orchard. It's very awkward.

However, the end of my journey does not indicate the end of time wastage.

Oh no.. when you're free you think of various ways to use up ALL YOUR TIME!

And I'm sure you all know it is important to apply what you have learnt in school.

Something to the effect of this:


Yes it might not be very clear and it might not look very accurate.. so please don't go download the picture and then start pointing out every single one of my mistakes. I doubt you are as free as me, though - so that might be a good thing.

However, when you have drawn the first graph and let y = your position, don't you get this tingling feeling in your spine? I felt it - and I knew, Mr Chandru was calling out to me. Immediately, I differentiated the damn thing and here is the product, a velocity-time graph:


The little ups and downs at the end were thanks to the human traffic in Orchard. Of course some people still could hold their noses pretty well, which is why they refused to give way to the stinkbomb running along Orchard Road.

I still felt something in my head, though. This nagging feeling said I wasn't done wasting time.

So here I am, completing the third part of the trilogy, the wonders of mathematics - d²y/dx², or the dy/dx of dy/dx. It wasn't so much of the second deriative test or whatever, it was more like I could review my journey there, and see if there's anything I could do about it. I like this one, acceleration-time graph:


Sorry if the graphs are getting harder and harder to see.. it's not my fault that the stupid column is so narrow. Anyway this is the most violent graph of all.. because acceleration is something unpredictable. I have to slow down when it comes to traffic lights, and speed up when it comes to moving from one traffic light to another. It's a very confusing process, just like mathematics, which is why the graph is in such an odd shape.

Well if you're in need of a challenge, go find the equations of the above graphs. Then type it in Graphmatica and submit it to TCS. Winners will get a prize as usual, this time courtesy of myself. In fact, I'd be so happy I'd gladly buy you flowers from Raffles Florist if you want. Or if you are a mathematical geek, I could plot some flowers for you on Graphmatica.

Nevertheless, that is not the point. The point is that Week 3 is drawing to a close, and time is slowly but surely running out. The holidays will be soon over, and it's back to school, only back to a different school. No more sleeping in class, but in lecture halls as most lessons will be lectures. Sigh.

Back to the initial questions I asked above.

Which MRT is faster?

Now some of you might be very puzzled by this question - because you only know of one MRT. I actually meant to ask whether the Mass Rapid Transit was faster or My Right Toe, something which I had to use to get to Orchard.

Apparently it was the Mass RAPID Transit. Duh it's called "rapid" for a reason right!

10 minutes > 37 minutes.
(As t approaches 0, x is the preferred choice of transport.)

So the Mass Rapid Transit is faster. (shown)

Hypothesis: Singapore is small.

The experiment was conducted, and I've proven it.

Hypothesis proven becomes theory. Now the theory is that Singapore is small.

Theory sent to Parliament as a Bill.

Bill being voted on by MSN - and from an online poll (courtesy of MSN), twenty-seven out of thirty-one (87.1% 3sf) people thought that Singapore is small.

Thus, majority vote counts. Singapore is indeed small.

Sent to President, who approves of it.

Okay publish it in Gazette (some parliamentary newspaper). Go report back to Science Lab and consolidate evidence to present to the layman. All the facts to show that Singapore is small for the local nutcase to understand. Then we would have fully established our stand.

Now in both scientific and political terms, I guess we have a new..

Law: Singapore is small. (shown)

Everything's proven and my mission objectives has been achieved.

I guess you could say I'm having a nice holiday.

Colourful questions

Q: What is black white black white black white black?

A: Zebra.

-

Q: What is white white white white white white white?

A: Racist American queue.

-

Q: What is red red red red red red red red black?

A: Jay Chou's report book. Black is for Higher Chinese.

-

Q: What is black black black black black black black?

A: Don't know. Can't see anything.

-

Q: What is red white red white red red red?

A: Some noob trying to colour Singapore flag.

-

Q: What is yellow black yellow black yellow black yellow?

A: Bee.

-

Q: What is green green green green green green green?

A: Astroturf.

-

Q: What is yellow yellow yellow yellow yellow blue?

A: Lots of waterpolo balls in the pool.

-

Q: What is white white white white white white white?

A: My ever-so-clean Physics notebook.

-

Q: What is yellow (x3), black, yellow (x6), black, yellow (x3)?

A: My teeth.

waterpolo trivia

1. Why is James a centre back/back?
Because he has a big backside.

2. Who is the best player in the RI team?
Nope, not chenkai.
Nope, not sherwin.
Nope, not jeremy nor miao.
Nope, not sengkie and certainly not danny.

All of them have graduated.

3. Then who is the best player in the RI team!?
Nope, not loh zhizhi
He is Wang Jianguang or better known as COACH.

4. What is the role of a wing/winger?
To fly.

5. What position does sherwin plays?
Wing. Because he drinks Red Bull and red bull give you wings!















6. Why is Sherwin the captain and not chenkai?
Because chenkai



















7. Who is faster? Chenkai or Sengkong?
We dont know. That depends on the distance.

8. Who is faster? Sengkong or Yejie?
Sengkong is the faster swimmer but yejie is the faster runner.

9. Who is the fastest in the waterpolo team?
Yejie. Because he has the fastest 2.4 timing.

10. Where is the waterpolo team's favourite hangout?
At the pool.

11. What is the common characteristic of all waterpolo coaches?
They can only add and multiply but cannot divide and minus.

12. What does a driver do?
Driver drives of course. Unless you are talking about the position of the driver in the team. He drives the team towards victory!

13. Why is waterpolo a 7 aside sports?
Because soccer has 11 people per team. So waterpolo must have 7 so that we can seven eleven!

14. What is the thing that the waterpolo team hates most besides losing?
Not winning.

15. What country club does most members of the team belong to?
SKCC. Sengkong country club.


If ya got more than 2 correct, welcome to da kewl cca yo. we can chill in da pool.

A stupid one

Q: Why didn't the Banglas from 4J go to Manila?

A: Because it's the SEA games! (It's proven that they can hardly swim)

See, I told you it was stupid yet you chose to read it.

Random?!!

Some of you faguts don't understand what is the true meaning of a "random post".

Here is what REALLY is random:
fcewho giversvhblhbofhlv ljrehoviho nlkwe hgotbwenvlrglkrevoervlew f efihweoicweoitc98welj y7 iug i gug iufiu gvoiutfg8oh o9 gtf9g o8 98 o gi doig io tg8sdbkjwebob e4 eg gtr t g ju g rlrengpirhviopheviorhvo rvkw fuigvosh9v34jg 3hgt 23 3f3 dbt skr3 ihewioewbno oi iohfopihp oiqwfepi fwepfep pgjpewn;fvlnfklewnvkewn knpeqfjpvwjpverjpor ejpjporjpoajvpo jpojewpophqpnlaknschqpo[fjg[jhbwpngpq3oiniir2 bio456&*o^B 98 &98 *9 7698 ouig hpGH908 GF*O) T*( G*(& RF^* FGu IHoit798goiggbg879HOI H*( GBoiG89BgiuoGuibuoins jkg8998 t734

Are you enlightened now?

Guess who's back

Finally back after a tour. And I did bring back a prize. Here’s a picture of it.

...and a picture of it smashed

Gross, but what did you expect from TalkCOCKsummit. Winner please get it from me personally. I don't want to keep it. Anyway I did learn quite a lot during my holiday. For example, Singaporeans 大言不惭when we say we are the no.1 kiasu people. I just don’t see how we can defeat China in that. And I thought the cut-queue situation in ri was bad.

At KFC:

At a supermarket:

So I just kept quiet because that wasn’t my 地盘 and the chinamen all looked like ho sheng with the potential to kick my ass.

I also went to Hong Kong Disneyland, and it was very crowded. The first thing you should do when you get in is to rent a wheelchair. Because people on wheelchairs are king in Disneyland. Never mind that the rent is HK$50. It’s totally worth it. You are like Moses and the Red Sea. The waves part for you. Illustration follows:

The most exciting ride in Hong Kong Disneyland is one where the minimum height requirement is 102cm. That just about tells you how exciting it is. Overall, Disneyland is still okay, because the shows are quite nice. But the land area is small, so be warned.

After I came back from Singapore, some market research person called me. Dialogue follows:

Researcher: I am from blahblahblah market research company and we are doing a survey. Can I have a few minutes of your time?

Me: Sure (I’m a nice guy)

Researcher: We are trying to find out which are the most popular radio stations in Singapore for audience between the age of 15 and 34. May I know how old are you?

Me: 14

Researcher: So that means you are not eligible for this survey.

Me: oh I’m so sorry

Researcher: Are there any of your parents at home?

Me: no

Researcher: Do you know when they will be back?

Me: no

Researcher: ok byebye

Wow. I managed to lie in just about every answer. I hate telephone research people. They actually get money for wasting my time. That’s so unfair.

Stephanie Sun sucks. Just look at how brainless the lyrics of her new song (完美的一天) are.

我要一所大房子 like duh. Who doesn’t?
有很大的落地窗户 you like peeping toms?
阳光洒在地板上
也温暖了我的被子
我要一所大房子 repeats mistake no.1
有很多很多的房间
一个房间有最快的网路
一个房间有很多的吉他 how many guitars can you play at a time?
一个房间有我漂亮的衣服 you don’t have any pretty clothes
一个房间住著朋友和他的爱人 you think they want to live with you?
一个房间一个房间 meaningless
我也不知道该放些什黱 you are stupid
我们晚上不睡觉 doing scandalous things
白天在床上思考 regretting what you did the night before
小狗在屋里奔跑 totally irrelevant
度过完美的一天 somehow this becomes a perfect day
度过完美的一天 we’re not retards, don’t need you to tell us twice

She wants this, she wants that. Materialistic idiot. Unlike her, I've become enlightened. I have answered the ancient question of "what makes a man".

Premise: A dog is a man's best friend
Conclusion: a man is someone whose best friend is a dog

Are you a man?

Money matters

Sometimes certain things can really make me bewildered.

Some things just cannot be explained.

Even a week or so after the event has occurred, I'm feeling like a bowling pin. I got struck down by this really huge bowling ball called "flowers".

The thing that you see in the picture:


Well does it look very special to you? Does it look like it has any special capabilities capable of knocking me down?

Perhaps not the item. It's the damn price.

I would have a contest for this - a "Guess The Price" competition. But knowing that there are many people out there wanting to take part and win a prize (being unable to do so at Graduation Dinner), some might resort in underhand methods. So this picture might be koped and submitted to experts, who would know that these bloody things are indeed very exorbitant.. items. And anyway even if I have a contest you all never submit any answers by the right way anyway! It's all on the tagboard for everyone to know the answer - but none goes into the mailbox.

So I'm sorry but all past winners are declared null and void. YL will personally see to it if he wants to give you a prize, but personally, I don't think he wants to.

Therefore there will be no contest.

That bunch of flowers, if you could even call that pathetic few stalks a bunch, costs $32.

THIRTY TWO SGD mind you. Official currency!

Not rupiah. You don't get it that easy.

Not ringgit. You don't get it that cheap.

Not renminbi. It's wishful thinking.

Not euros - or you might as well go rob the bloody florist.

I think florists are really scammers - because they just charge you high amounts and then pretend not to know anything at all. The florist where we bought the flowers from was called Raffles Florists (shock please!!) - and that means they had affiliations to us, the glorious students of Raffles Institution.

Well, if that was the case, couldn't they have given us a little discount?

They charged the usual crazy prices and acted like we were just despos giving flowers to our girlfriends, or rather wannabe-girlfriends, since we're supposedly despo.

Damn it! The flowers were for our FORM TEACHER!

And by charging us exorbitantly, we do not get the chance to show care and concern for our teacher. Already now people are complaining that we teenagers do not know gratitude, forget our roots, too open-minded, not conservative enough, too unfeeling, too caught up in monetary status blah blah blah.

I ask you now, whose fault is it that we turned out this way?

Being students, we don't have much money. Firstly, we have to ensure our own survival. This may come in the form of mp3s (music is essential to the human body), good food (nutrition too) and many other stuff that we use to convenience ourselves. Then, we have to ensure our well-being. Some people went a bit too far here by splurging on crumplers but we do need at least a bit to maintain some.. comfort. Admittedly I'm taking the selfish point of view which views ourselves higher than others, because others can go and die for all I care so long I'm in my air-conditioned classroom with my GPA 4.

Then we look at others' welfare. That was when we decided to buy a gift for our teacher.

I don't know who was the idiot who wanted to buy flowers. Maybe he thought we could get a discount from Miss Raffles Florist.

In any case I still feel very disturbed by the purchase - because we just spent $32 on something that is of probably no value.

What can flowers do? Look good? Even so they wither and die after a while.

They certainly cannot get you a:
-GPA 4
-Good testimonial
-Free meal that tastes better than Grad Night shit
-Good FT, though it can make your good FT happier
-Bank account with lots of money, though it certainly can deplete yours

I think you get what I'm trying to say after so long.

$32 for this sort of rubbish is unacceptable. I feel confident I won't be buying flowers in a long, long while. I could easily buy seeds at NTUC (they're much cheaper really) or go kope them from somewhere. I know of a very brilliant place called RI, which grows beautiful flowers thanks to the gardeners who 呵护 the flowers. And under their 无微不至 care, the flowers come into full bloom, ready to be koped.

In fact, the place is situated right next to my classroom. Or should I say, my ex-classroom of 4J, C1-21.

And this time, I've proof for all of you.


If the need ever arises, I tell you I'm DEFINITELY going to come back here for my flowers.

No more Raffles Florists in J8. Over here (in RI) is the TRUE Raffles Florist, and it's free-of-charge.

The world will be a better place without additional charges.

So everyone start boycotting your local florist now, until they lower the bloody prices of those silly things.

Luckily it's not like I need them.

Poolside soccer

I enjoy the occasional game of poolside soccer, provided the weather is good like today.

Okay to be honest I think we haven't had any good weather before today and yesterday.

So today was the first time where we had some poolside soccer. It's also called the "Waterpolo Premiership" - or maybe "Poolside Challenge Cup 2005" - it's very entertaining and keeps you entertained for hours after your training.

It's rewarding at times.

The gameplay is simple, not unlike your typical classroom soccer games.

Set up two "goalposts" using two white chairs that the keepers use to tread water with when the coach is sadistic. Then, take a waterpolo ball as the soccer ball and start playing.

Not very difficult, eh? The out-of-bounds is the pool, and the wall. And if you're a stupid idiot like Sean Tan, it's on the road. (Bugger went to volley it right out of RI's school compounds and didn't get it back)

Safety issues are not necessarily guaranteed in this game, which is why Mr Romi might fail us if we invented such a game for PE Inventing Games Module.

In any case, the influence of the weather is important. It's like playing soccer on ice, except that it is considerably more dangerous - which adds to the thrill.

After a good bout of rain, the floor will be slippery. To add to that, it's POOLSIDE. So the ground will be made even more slippery by players who just came out from the pool. There is a chance that balls might be kicked into the pool again, which would make it WET. And yet again increasing the slippery factor.

Some people, like Nicky, like to abuse the wetness of the pitch and slide all over the place. This is not advisable unless you are a professional stuntman or a regular visitor at Woodbridge.

The tiles used at the pool are from a certain German contractor, and has been there since 1995 when the pool was constructed. This means that it has endured 10 years of wear and tear, and thus adds to the excitement of the game. There is always the possibility that one of the tiles might crack under your heavy foot, or you might slip on a row of them. Terribly exciting possibilities during the game.

The only hazard, besides the slippery tiles (negligible when compared to the other factor), is the referee.

You might know that a certain security guard in RI imported from India has certain unknown referee licences and the necessary qualifications to referee a poolside soccer match. He is called Elango. And he likes to suspend matches and postpone them for no apparent reason.

But it's okay - you can be rest assured we'll be back.

So what are you waiting for? Form a duo, and then sign up as soon as possible to join our poolside league! You are guaranteed hours, if not minutes (since you are likely to be knocked out real fast by l33ts like Hanson) of pure fun!

Match days: Monday, Wednesday, Friday
Match timings: 12 noon to around 1pm

See you there..

BLOG

I have been thinking about my future. Time flies and soon i will be in jc. So what shall i do i jc? It's time i start planning

The very first thing i will do on the very first day is to start a fight. Danny and I have already made our plans for the fight. Here's whats gonna happen:
We will be sitting in the canteen eating our lunch.
Danny comes over and slams his bag on the table.
I stand up and punch him.
He punchs me.
Everyone will be rushing forward to stop us.
We struggle to break free to punch each other...

And....



"Eh brother. My fault shial. Forgive me shial."
And we shake hands.

In my opinion i think it's a great publicity stunt like Tony Jaa.

Recently I have noticed that more and more people are getting hip and cool. Particularly the shoes dude, stuff like Nike Dunks, AirforceOne, Adidas Superstar, DC shoes.

HAR!

Cmon, you guys aint half as cool as me. I will wear HEELYS man. Thats probably the coolest shoes on earth. Dont be jealous as you see me SKATE to school and GLIDE to a sub 8mins 2.4 timing.

On a separate note, i love willy wonka.

Augustus Gloop!
Augustus Gloop!
You big, bad, greedy nincompoop!

Later in the day, its gonna be graduation dinner. IM SO EXCITED. WE ARE GOING TO ORCHARD HOTEL. THE BEST 6-STARS HOTEL IN SINGAPORE.

NO! It probably sucks. And i will probably dress up as a waiter with my plain white long sleeves and black pants. And my BOW TIE!

grrrrr.


raaahhhh


wow.


Danny is a fagut.

Stunt

This is the all-new, coolio way of doing a HIGH FIVE:


Perfect precision, perfect timing, and perfect coordination.

Reminds you of kungfu fighting? Or maybe Louis Armstrong's visits to the moon? They defy gravity and all just to do that stunt.

Today Tottenham meets West Ham - two hammy little sides that play good attacking football. Now if we go by Felstrøm's (with the accent) logic that pigs can fly, tonight we would probably see a fluish encounter (see previous post) coupled with many kungfu scenes like the one above. Though it wouldn't be monkey kungfu, it'll be pig kungfu. And oh, many high fives with trotters.

I predict a win for West Ham because Tottenham sounds like trodden ham. West Ham will walk all over those stepped-on ham. Mark my words - and mark them correct because I don't think I'm wrong.

And by the way did I mention the stunt above is very cool? - I think I'll try it someday. I seem to want to try many things, just that I don't have the time to do them. I've already planned my whole holidays with time-wasting activities, and I don't like to change my plans. Aww too bad.

In any case, I don't know what to blog today. The matches last night all went according to expectations, with Chelsea screwing Newcastle in the backsides 3-0 (sorry la Seetow, it's damn sad), Liverpool another backside screw beating Portsmouth 3-0 (big surprise innit?), Sunderland losing at home to Villa 1-3, and stupid Charlton losing again to a Royally Screwed team that calls themselves Man Utd -.-"

So since I have nothing else to say, let me leave you with a thought: Is Sherwin Sim the hottest guy in RI?


A: He cannot be, for he has already graduated.

(Chen Kai shamelessly tried to claim that accolade for himself, which would qualify him as a retainee of RI. So next year he might not be going to RJC, aww..)

Week 2 of holidays

It's the end of yet another week of holidays, and I think I'm getting the flu.

After all, bird flies, bird got flu.
Time flies, means time also got flu.

So now I kena flu from time.

Actually, I was feeling kind of bored this morning, having woken up at twelve. You can't feel good when you wake up at twelve. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say "afternoon" then, because "morning" would mean a.m. and when I woke up it was already p.m.. I think you get what I'm trying to say.

So since I was feeling bored, I decided to read the newspapers to try and boost my GP marks next year. They (dunno who also) said it is damn important to read the newspapers to score in GP. The reason why I think of how to score in GP, is because I need to further my cause of trying not to be last in class in JC.

Reading newspapers can be quite enjoyable, especially after a night of Gunbound.

Gunbound can be really addictive I tell you. It is another great time-waster for the holidays. I played from like 10pm to 2am last night, just for the sake of wasting time. Till I realised it was 1am and I should have slept long ago - then I went like "shit. it's 1am!! Last game!" Then played a few more rounds until it was 2am, when I had to stop because of bloody short circuit.

Bloody hell, Physics only serves to make your life difficult.

Anyway I must clarify that I'm quite a noob in Gunbound, just that I have my "moments" occasionally. Like, you know, a moment of a force? Where dy/dx = 0, I reach my peak in Gunbound. If even a noob like me can have so much fun in Gunbound, I think everyone should play. It is not a kiddy game, it is really for everyone to just play, have fun, forget your troubles (if you have any) and basically waste time.

I would call it a 雅俗共赏 game. (English translation of 雅俗共赏: Low-class dumb shits and high-class banana people all can appreciate this lovely game of Gunbound.) And I have a reason for saying this because I enjoyed it when I was quite smart in Sec 2, and I'm enjoying it now when I'm a stupid little boy in Sec 4.

Well instead of talking cock, here's a screenshot:


Never mind the background, the fun is in looking at the final scores. After all, the excitement in Gunbound is not in shooting high angles or doing powerful shotgun blasts, but in the final calculation of the scores! The process is a very Physics thing, like what we learnt in Sec 3.. this thing called vectors. Wind change must use more force to make the resultant force the same. Must have equilibrium then can hit your opponent.

So isn't that something very Physics?

The final result gives you space to calculate your total score and the total amount of gold you have. Then you start thinking about percentage change in your gold if you had shot that last one even better and dealt more damage to your opponent. How would that affect your score at the end?

Such is the joy of Gunbound - the lovely Mathematical concepts behind them all. Percentage change, vectors, equilibrium, etc. Man, I think RJC should conduct Gunbound courses for all of us to improve our grades for most of our subjects. It's multi-disciplinary after all. Take for example Raon - for why do you think its bombs are timed to explode at certain intervals? Chemistry, my friend, Chemistry!

Gunbound is about life. Life revolves around the sciences.

And so the conclusion still stands at you should all play Gunbound.

Okay now I think I've sidetracked too much. Back to what I wanted to say about reading the newspapers this afternoon. It was enjoyable because the articles were hilarious.

Take out your "Straits Times" - and the "Saturday" segment of it. Then turn to "S21", which is essentially the twenty-first page of the "Saturday" segment.

What S'pore's next generation holds is the title.

Very eye-catching. Because the "next" generation obviously refers to the young ones, i.e. people like us. Me and you who will be 国家未来的主人翁。We who will govern the country in future. Actually I wonder what would happen if I become Prime Minister - I'd revolutionise the whole of Singapore and model the stupid system that they have now. Guess what, I'd make it to become like RP!

Every year, you will get your GPA depending on 1) your work, 2) your contributions to society (CIP), 3) the amount of crimes you committed and 4) the number of times you suck up to me (remember I'm PM?).

If you can achieve GPA 4.0 - congratulations! You are the model citizen of the year. Get it three times in a row, I let you shake hands with me.

GPA 2.8 - 4.0 - you are generally an active citizen and you obviously pay attention during SS lessons and NE lectures. I like your activeness, and you're a good citizen.

GPA 2.0 - 2.8 - you are an apathetic fagut. You'd better get your act together before you drop to the next level, which would be absolutely terrible and regrettable on your part.

GPA < 2.0 - failure. You will report to me in my office, ie the Prime Minister's office. You will be stripped of your citizenship if you get these shit grades for three consective years (I'm not that cruel) and be demoted to the rank of an illegal immigrant. You can go work with the Banglas at the construction site, but if you have no work permit you will still be screwed anyway. So those who fall into this category had better beware! And serves you right for being such a bad citizen. Sure kena 褫夺 your bloody 公民权。

(last sentence translated: citizenship koped by govt)

Maybe I'll set up my own party when I grow up. No more PAP, but RP!

Woots man.

In any case, the article on page 21 has a few interesting extracts. Among them includes:

"[1] This MTV generation (that's us, who else) is also self-centred, materalistic and probably knows the price of everything but the value of none, having grown up in an era of stability. /

[2] That means he will probably think nothing about spending $4 on a cup of latte, while his father, who supports him, spends only 70 cents on his teh tarik at the corner coffee shop. /

[3] The Singapore teenager may know the name of the latest Japanese pop star but not his own Member of Parliament. /

[4] These instant-noodle children will likely change their mobile phone every two years or celebrate their secondary school graduation at a five-star hotel. If the teenager here can be put in a stereotype box, these few paragraphs could best help do it."

(okay shit I just realised why did I have to type it out if you're already reading it)

Now, let us review it part by part.

[1] makes no sense to me. If they know the price of "everything", that means they only know the price of one item, which is called "everything". Hence, why the "but" after that? They only know the value of one item and "none" is certainly not part of "everything", so what on earth is the writer trying to say.

[2] is another cockster statement. Latte won't cost $4, the bloody retailers will know better than to charge such a round figure. If it was even that cheap, it would cost $3.90, not $4. And I bet that latte would cost $5.90, not any of the prices they list. And the Straits Times obviously never go to S11 to check out where the poor RI boys (like me) hang out.

When I ask for kopi-O, the auntie wants to give me ice so she can charge me more. She thinks she can match up to Coffee Bean or Starbucks. So is it my fault that I am spending more? No, you blame the bloody auntie. I don't even spend 70 cents on teh tarik, I spend it on a can of Winter Melon tea from the vending machines in school. The newspapers don't get their facts right, man. They 混淆事实！(distort the truth)

[3] They are wrong yet again. I know neither. At least they used the word "may" - because if I were to know one, I would rather know my MP than know a fagut pop star thousands of miles away. Anyway those Jap fags invaded us once upon a time so why bother finding out who they are than finding out who WE are?

[4] I don't eat instant noodles, they get stuck in the gaps in my teeth. For someone with braces, it is recommended that they eat porridge. That's what I eat, okay.

They are right to say "likely" - because as of today my mobile phone is two years and three months old. Most teenagers' handphones last much less than that so the newspaper's assumption that we use it for two years is either way, WRONG!

We don't celebrate our graduation at a five-star hotel, thank you very much, though we do pay the sum required for a celebration at that sort of place. We are celebrating it at ORCHARD HOTEL, and are paying fifty-five SGD for it. So dig it, Straits Times, your facts aren't right. You don't know our batch, and you don't know Mrs Lilian Tan.

Nowadays teenagers grow real fast and have great physical stature, so you can't possibly put them in a box. Plus, paragraphs are just words, not big musclemen who could shove teenagers into boxes using brute force. Although it is true that "the pen is mightier than the sword", the word is not mightier than the muscleman. So you don't try shoving teenagers into little boxes using paragraphs of words.

Okay, so that's my article review done for today.

I think I'm bloody hardworking, doing article reviews in the middle of the holidays.

Well, so would any RI teacher like to mark my script? I'd gladly accept his/her kind gesture.

But for now, I would just like to slack and watch as another week of holidays flies by.

Guess the teacher

Finally, someone seems to be paying attention in RI's Social Studies classes and putting what they learnt into practice!

It is not so often that we get mail in our Inbox. In fact, we don't get any at all so I've resorted to checking it once a fortnight. That is, if I remember to check it when two weeks have flown by. If I don't, then your mail will be ignored like how Desmond Tan can ignore our pleas for extra marks in Physics tests. But since the Inbox is as empty as my brain is of Physics concepts, I really cannot be bothered.

But someone has given me the extra motivation to check the mailbox more often. Actually, two people.

The first is Jun Da, one of our viewers (duh). He sent in an answer for our "Guess The Person" contest but very unfortunately the answer is wrong. It is not Mervin Law because the person in question is too hot to be him. No offence to Mervin, but I think you suck. Okay maybe I meant offence after all. But just don't take any of it. =P

Next up, we have received a lovely picture of.. someone. It didn't take me very long to find out who it actually was, because the person who had sent the picture to me had included details of who (s)he was. So, everyone gets another chance to try to win a prize courtesy of Yuk Lun, our missing man. Since he isn't here now, I'll just assume that he would be generous enough to donate a prize for you. Don't worry, I'll ensure that you will get your prize.

So will you please guess.. WHICH TEACHER IS IT!


Remember, prizes kindly sponsored by YL!

hey yj, yj..

i'll make it no secret that my fts in ri for the past 4 years are great.

for sec 1 and 2 i had the coolio judo master mr eng, who prided himself into being the best pe teacher and converting almost every member of his form class into a judoka. he didn't quite succeed, but he was super inspirational in lifeskills (they didn't have silly CLE then) lessons as well as writing remarks in report book. stuff like "yejie is good in science, english and maths but weak in the other subjects." when it was evident that i only did well for the final years. oh by the way i failed almost all my lower sec science tests, which was a signal of greater things to come. (ie failing physics, chemistry and my most loved biology - 3 subs instead of 1)

but really, he was a good ft. he was very concerned about our results, and by "results" i mean napfa results. we were the bloody fittest class under his charge and there was really no big surprise why we could get a two-year consecutive 100%, because we were under him and his special training programme. okay i was there as well, but there can be no denial that mr eng is damn bloody good! no one dared to fail 2.4 under him, unlike now in 4j where we have to see some laggers trying to pass 2.4 though we all know no matter how hard they try they will still fail miserably. oh wait, do they even try? =X

and our other ft was zhang meisuo, best chinese teacher from china. another 2-year rocker that will always leave a deep impression in my mind, because i think i did the same to him. he still can remember my name now, but its okay, i also can remember his. i like his famous chinese lessons, lining up in one row just to take a hell lot of worksheets. my chinese prospered under him, which meant i didn't fail. he also liked taking lifeskills lessons to teach chinese, which just.. uh.. shows his PASSION for the subject. wow. it's not that often you get that good teachers, do you?

i decided to make a song out of my lower sec experiences with my dearest 2 fts, mr eng and mr zhang. some call them "zhang & eng" - you know, like the musical twins "chang & eng"? well, their musical sense might not be that good.. which is why i'll dedicate a song to them. about my lovely lower sec experiences.

i title it "hey yj, yj.." - to be sang in the tune of danny's roommate

when i was just a little boy
i asked mr eng, what would i be
will i pass my napfa
will i get dirty
here's what he said to me

hey yj, yj..
shut up and do your pt
remember to bring pe
or you report to me

then i forgot to bring pe
i asked mr eng, what should i do
should i go borrow
should i go steal
here's what he said to me

hey yj, yj..
get down and pump twenty
next time not so lucky
just you wait and see

i tried to look for mr zhang
i found him reading 西游记
he told me to read it
got test next week
and then he said to me

hey yj, yj..
你反问句没有力
应该多多去学习
不然就mati

and then when i failed my chinese test
i asked mr zhang, give me one mark
my mama will kill me
i die horribly
here's what he said to me

hey yj, yj..
我不能改你的成绩
你这是咎由自取
我很对不起

so i grew up under zhang and eng
i graduated from lower sec
i learnt a lot from them
i'll never forget
these 2 fts that i've met

yet another product of extreme boredom. i can't go out in case i flood the streets.

Dental experience

This entry goes out to all those who wants to make braces because there is overcrowding in your damn mouth and you don't like the look of it.

If you've already started, congratulations. You're in the same boat as me. By "same boat", just imagine this boat of idiots floating on a sea of blood. The blood that is freshly flowing from our mouths. The wonders of extraction does not part the Red Sea, but instead adds to the amount. I suspect that the volume of the Red Sea is going up every year thanks to each idiot who decides to make braces. You want to complain, but you find that you can't because talking will only make sure that the blood keeps on flowing. So you go to the nearest computer to vent your bloody (literally) frustration.

Ah, so it helps a little.

If you haven't already started, I encourage you NOT to go for it. This is because 1) I want to prove to you that I'm not a sadist and 2) read the description above. If you think I currently have problems with my teeth (or rather the gaps in my teeth), think again. It's more than a problem, it's a disaster. So unless perfectly necessary, you don't kill yourself by doing braces.

Then you might be wondering, why didn't I check out how having braces was like before I went to make mine? I could have avoided all that suffering. And would I not be an idiot to make braces just for cosmetic purposes?

That's a good thought to have - and I'm pre-empting it the way US troops do to the Afghans and Iraqis because I really have nothing better to do other than drinking blood and trying hard not to retaliate to the raging fire that is going on in the background. (Some people take advantage of the situation when I am not able to talk, which is pretty smart but pretty merciless as well.)

And anyway, back to the point. I was tricked into doing it, and is probably one of the victims of the School Dental Service. It was quite a long way back in Sec 2 (when Sherwin Sim started his buaya streak and having relationships) when the notion first came across me. This is because the School Dental Service had summoned me to their movable van in the middle of a very interesting Science lesson, the Science lessons that we still had then! Now this is just further proof that we've gone a long way back, I really miss Lower Secondary Science.

I got fooled to go up the dental van because this was apparently "compulsory". The dentist looked like half an alien.. and don't be fooled by this appearance, because the other half looked like a Frankenstein. A female Frankenstein. She growled at me to come lie down while she starts hammering my teeth to bits, and taking sharp instruments to screw around with my gums. After which she declares, "I think you need braces, you nitwit. You evidently haven't been brushing your ****ing teeth and it's causing tooth decay. Your teeth aren't aligned, so brush it better the next time I see you. Don't let me catch you with such terrible teeth again."

She had her wish - because after that I simply vanished. My teeth were still terrible, but I didn't let her catch me. And I explained to her at that point in time that it was impossible for me to make my braces because I played waterpolo as a keeper, and wearing braces would only serve to give me cuts in my gums and blood in my mouth. Definitely a no-no. She didn't let me off there and then, she just said something to the effect of "I already told you, if you don't want it then your teeth can go rot for all I care."

As mentioned in the previous paragraph, I simply vanished after her 循循善诱 (literal translation: kind words)。So for the whole of Secondary Three I went out of class just to go to the toilet for a while before returning back. At that time I disliked Maths with Chandru, so it was kind of acceptable to pretend to see the dentist.

Secondary Four and my past came back to haunt me. I forgot what lesson it was (ironically), but all I knew is that the dentist finally changed. This one looked a shade better than the dentist two years ago probably because she was wearing a mask the whole time, so I couldn't see her face. So far so good.

Then the question inevitably popped up again. "Are you thinking of doing braces?"

Waterpolo season was over and I had no excuse - but I just lied to say that it would cut my teeth. Mistake, because she immediately handed me a form of possible dentists/orthodontists (stupid word, no?) and said that I could go do it after my waterpolo season. After which she said your teeth isn't that bad, but you should really go straighten it up. She also mentioned that the treatment wasn't that bad, for I could complete it before I go into the army. Note that she SAID, not GROWLED.

So I got taken in by her lies, and thought - Why not? The only (clever) thing I did was to wait for the bloody school year to end before I started my treatment. That way if I died, I would die during the holidays. Much preferable than to die during CTs or the school term, because sleeping in class will see certain teachers calling up my parents.

Well, here I am. The victim of the School Dental Service.

It's their fault because they made it sound so easy and they made it sound like I really needed braces and stuff. They kept REMINDING me that I had to get braces and misguided me into thinking that my teeth was way off perfection that I would have problems in old age, blah blah blah. In other words they just lied a lot to me and made me have hallucinations. So I blame them for all my troubles now.

I'm only glad that I didn't go to the orthodontist they recommended. Hell, I'd bet that doing so will only result in the School Dental Service into getting more commission. So they can go hire more Frankensteins to frighten the wits out of poor, timid little schoolchildren (like me) and then earn more commission to get even more Frankensteins. I call it a vicious cycle.

So you'd better brace yourself for it.

In any case I also didn't know four extractions would be that bad. I had this dental nurse in primary school called Nurse Seet (anyone from the same primary school as me can testify to that), and she did an extraction for me once. I think it was a milk tooth and I almost shouted at her then, if not for the fact she had many dangerous weapons on her table and I was totally at her mercy. She gave me no warning and just said calmly afterwards, "Okay I did an extraction for you, you better go brush your teeth properly now ah!"

Like what the hell. Too bad the extraction didn't affect my pronunciation - because I would dearly love to call her Nurse Sheet (sic), which is probably what she is anyway. Piece of "sheet" indeed. She was also probably the only reason why the number of people hiding in toilets dramatically went up year after year in primary school. Only I, the brave (and stupid), would dare to go face her year after year just to get scolded.

She still serves in my primary school, by the way. Go try her if you've got the time. After all if the holidays are too boring for you and you need action, she's the one. The sheety one.

Nevertheless in saying so much, I will now 长文缩短 (literal translation: long text squeeze short) to summarise what I said above.

- Braces will hurt. Don't get unless it already hurts.
- Extraction of permanent teeth does not equal extraction of milk teeth.
- School Dental Service cannot be trusted.
- I am a victim of the School Dental Service.
- Get your braces done privately, not at Temasek Towers. It's a scam.
- All dentists that treat you for free are bad. (it's true that there's no free lunch)
- Brush your teeth or the dentist will do it for you with razors.

That's about it. In case you were wondering if I am regretting it now, actually I'm not. Because it's done already and even if I regret, it's not going to pull my GPA up (sadly). So might as well just look forward, since things can only get better. I look forward to the day where I can go rip chunks of meat off chicken wings again. That event will occur around two years later, and I'd be sure to blog about it if TCS even survives longer than the braces.

P.S. I saw this Seven-Eleven advertisement at the bus stop on the way back home - and I think that the actress featured (she's called Rui En, I think) BADLY NEEDS some braces!!

The Swim Club

The Swim Club is a club that has been recently set up to cater to the sudden rise in the number of people interested in swimming. There are several trends identified in the setting up of TSC, one of which is that it is usually at its peak membership during holidays and its membership is almost none during school terms.

Some of the benefits of TSC would of course be a tanned and muscular body. e.g Ben Lim.

But that's not the main point. The main point you see, TSC gives you nice COLOURED hair once you join.

I have already identified several key members of the team but I think I better not list their names in case they get offended.

Now, TSC is responsible for the following colours:
1. Brown
2. Light brown
3. Gold
4. Ashgrey
5. Grey

and all the similar shades of gold/brown.

The training times of TSC are as follows:
Monday to Friday 7-11am 1-3 pm, 4-6 pm, 8-10pm
Saturday and Sundays 8-11 am, 1-5 pm, 7-9 pm

Now now these boys train really hard so it's no wonder they have nice coloured hair so DONT EVER ACCUSE THEM OF DYEING THEIR HAIR!

But i would like to say that TSC is not responsible for the following colours your hair might turn out to be:
1. Shocking pink
2. Shocking green
3. Blue
4. WHITE
5. And any other weird colours.

To join, visit any hairdresser and erh ask for the membership card. Costs varies with different hairdressers and erh dyes used to make your erh membership card.

The crackdown continues..

I think I've found the perfect wife for Jay Chou.



Features:
a) 70-year-old virgin
b) sits in RI front office
c) sex not known
d) very bad attitude (would fail cle)
e) has senile dementia.. forgets its manners
f) has BOTH menopause and endopause (however you spell it)
g) face permanently fixed in sulk position (except in h)
h) 谄媚 face only smile at big shots
i) does not respect students
j) voice is bloody loud
k) spits saliva all over the place when she talks
l) cannot read instructions
m) probably no brains
n) good for jay chou

I wonder who is it.

When you go dating..

Next time if anyone of you want to go dating, you gotta bear the consequences you know. Sometimes bad luck befalls you. Just when you think you have outsmarted everyone by choosing PS as your dating venue, a whole bunch of RI students turned up and your good friends too!

You know who you are. Haha.

That aside, I have not been successful in finding a job. Admittedly im a asshole to look for jobs that not only have good pay but also short working hours. But cmon im a typical RI snob and i qualify to do that dont i?

Here's what i got when i called:
poo: Hello, im calling in response of your advertisement in the newspaper.
officer: you got paper and pen?
poo: ya
officer: ok take this down. THAIasdasdasodnaiosdaioshd building...
poo: huh?
officer: THAI T-H-A-I.
poo: ya i know thai...
officer: ya THAIasdnaiosdhoaisdnaiondaio building
poo: !? okay okay THAIaifaiofjainfas building
officer: north bridge road, clarke quay mrt
officer: okay you come to interview tmr 4 pm
poo: !?
poo: okay SURE. Do you mind telling me what is the pay?
officer: Erh. That im not in a postion to tell you.
poo: !?!?!?!?!?! (wtf!)
poo: okay can you tell me what is the job like?
officer: oh we are doing sales asdaudhaodhoaishdioahdioansioda
poo: what?
officer: sales
poo: okay whatever i will think about it first.


See those bastards. Purposely out to cheat you. Those l073rs. Im too 1337 for them.

The crackdown..!

It so happens that I'm in a very violent mood today.

When I am in a very violent mood, I tend to vent my violence on faguts whom I dislike very much. There is particularly one fagut who offended me one time too many, and I feel that everyone should understand how I feel about this issue. Now I'm telling you that I feel very pissed. Understand? Yes? Good.

And please pardon the occasional vulgarity that I will scold in this post, because I can and will scold vulgarities when I am in a very violent mood. I tend to use four-letter words that Chandru makes people write two-page apology letters for. So if by any stroke of luck you are very sensitive to vulgarities and will faint at the sight of one, then you'd better get the hell out of here before scrolling down.

Oh, and there's another group of people who should leave before I begin my assault.

They are the fans of Jay Chou.

Go away before you get hurt by my random remark. Now if all is set and okay, I'll just get the barrage going. And here's a disclaimer: I'm 99.99% sure of any claims that I make, and the only reason why it is not 100% is because I don't have any evidence. The evidence which is worth 0.01% of proving any point that I make. Therefore it would be incorrect to say that I'm very sure of anything regarding the above-mentioned fagut. I make my statements mostly through logical thinking and some speculation.

Down to business.

Now, being very ignorant of modern pop (shit) culture, I tried looking for this dumb shit in F4. Meaning the little men below:


And it's very strange because none of the people in F4 look like him. My memory must be failing me, for I distinctly remember that he was with F4. Perhaps he could be an alternating current, and then he might have Alt-F4ed the boyband. So since he quit F4, he wouldn't be there, would he? F4 is not very cool anyway, I prefer people from 4F. Ultimate muggers and great soccer players. There are also quite a few members of 4F from China, and I believe they can sing better than people from F4.

The only thing that comes to mind when I think of F4 is a four-letter word starting with the letter "F". I mean, don't you think that's only a natural reaction?

Right. I started thinking of other possibilities. There is also another band, quite famous.. sings Chinese songs (duh). A band which number you can use to buy 4D but I can ensure you that it will never come out because Singapore Pools support local artistes, not foreign talent (if you can call it talent):


The most crazy band of all. Band name 5566 yet the number of people there are only four. Is this some mathematical trick? They look like another bunch of sissies or gays, but at least they have this aura around them. Both F4 and 5566 seem a very friendly kind. They don't give me the heeby-jeebies, or the piffle-sniffles the way the bastard below will. And the fact that these people are in the band proves that they have teamwork. And that's why I don't really hate boybands.

Unlike this solo, egoistic, bloody fucker. (He thinks he's damn cool.)


Just look at his face. One look already can tell like he wants to fight. What's more, he thinks he's so bloody good that he doesn't need a band, he only needs his yandao face to come and whack the other boybands right? Right?

WRONG! (duh)

Let us first look at the definitions of jay, which can be explained very simply using Talk Cock Summit's Dictionary and Thesaurus (which is like, THE Saurus). Definition No. 1 claims that a jay is actually a species of bird. It can be quite a lame bird, or a cuckoo bird; but at the end of the day it's a jay. Definition No. 2, contributed by Soma Sundram Shivanesh of Class 4J, claims that a jay is an ugly Indian woman. Now I don't know how that works out but I trust Shivi to speak the truth.

So in both definitions, do you see a positive vibe anywhere for the word "jay"? I doubt it very much. Even if there are positive implications in the definitions, you can be assured that it is totally unintentional and I would remove it if I find it. But I don't and can't see how the word "jay" have a positive connotation. Not when Jay Chou is still alive.

His surname suggests a lot, too. If you learn Chinese, that is.

丑 Chôu (3rd sound or 第三声): means UGLY. (can't find the proper symbol)
臭 Chòu (4th sound or 第四声): means SMELLY.

I choose to believe that he is BOTH ugly AND smelly, that retard. Although you should really not use this to attack him, for poor little Jay didn't get to choose his surname, did he? Though it certainly says a lot about his nature. I bet he chose the Christian name "Jay", however, and I think you should whack him on that point. It just so happens that his surname suggests ugly and smelly and well..

Ugly by name, Ugly by nature. -- (1)
Smelly by name, Smelly by nature. -- (2)
(1) + (2), Jay is Ugly and Smelly. -- (3)
From (3), Jay's a bitch. (shown)

Sometimes I really regret being 4J, since it has so many dark implications. Luckily, our class follows the German way of speaking and therefore the J in 4J is pronounced "yoht". We do check the German alphabet, thank you.

But back to the point. We should not criticise people just because of the name they choose, or their ugly little face. I have better reasons for disliking him. You might think that I'm an idiot as well, criticising him without any justification. Correct! I am an idiot, but I will give justification.

POINT NUMBER ONE. Jay Chou got no common sense.
He once sang a song called “安静”, which means "quiet" or "silence" in English.

Nothing wrong with that? you might ask.

Well if it was really a quiet song then why did he make so much noise in it? Dumb shit. If it was really “安静” then the song should be like 4:33, just shut the fuck up and don't sing your shit. He kept crowing and swooning in the song and that is what really pissed me off. Worse still my sister likes listening to Jay Chou and everyday I keep thinking some bird (true to some extent) with a sore throat has come in the house to sing again! Like what the hell?!

The lyrics make no sense as well. Posting it would just be wasting MY time. I'd just give a few suggestions for the song. The first is to change the title to “走开”- which means to go away (mild), get lost (harsh) or fuck off (harshest). The second is to change the lyrics to suit Mr Chou who sang this.

Lyrics in Chinese:
好，请你赶快走开
你这他妈的chee bai
你这个na bei 还要 buay hiao bai
你的脸像个大便
我一看你就讨厌
因此我向你建议
去操你老妈的B

Translated violently into English:
Okay, can you just quickly fuck off
You are a blasted chee bai
You fuck your father yet still want to boast
Your face is like some big shit
I see your face can't stand it
So I will suggest to you
Go fuck your old mother's cunt

Once again, will you please pardon the exceptionally violent vulgarities. Especially the English version, since I wired the translation a little so it could suit the tune. Come to think of it, that is indeed quite a violent song which you can sing to your enemy. Might be a tad too strong for Jay Chou because I don't hate him, I just dislike his guts and I dislike the way he sings his songs. So artificial and so stupid. He obviously doesn't think before he sings so hopefully this will help him.

I'm giving his songs some direction, not insulting him. I hope you don't think I'm directing this at him, do you? Oh no, of course not. I wouldn't even dream of it. I will never use the edited song against someone, though little Mr Chou probably would. Just looking at his face, I can tell he's got a bloody violent nature and is violent everyday. Unlike mine which comes once in a blue moon (there's one today).

Anyway I think I've proven that his songs are quite meaningless. The song “安静”, as of today, is officially dead. The only song that is fully worthy to be called “安静” is the piano piece 4:33, because that is truly what silence is all about. I can play that song, by the way.

And just think about it. No one would put a song with such a silly title. Yes, there is "The Sound of Silence" but no one said that the sound of silence is silence itself. So my claim is justified.

Case closed.

POINT NUMBER TWO. Jay Chou is a gangsta.
If you'll look carefully at all his CD covers, you'll find that he sneers at you most of the time. Either that or he is giving you that beh song, I-want-to-fight or I-want-to-fuck-you-up face. Super irritating, I tell you. I and Jay Chou 素昧平生 (total strangers), 无怨无仇 (no vengeance between us), so why he try to stir up trouble?

I also don't get it. But I refuse to give in to this sort of bastard who stares at me and thinks he can get away with it. Let me clarify this: I'm not a gangster that would fight just because someone stares at me. That is just pure stupid because staring hurts no one. But this fucker here has been staring me for the past three hundred and sixty-five (Arabic numerals: 365) days!! And how you tahan, I don't know. Simply because I don't.

Seriously, how would you like it if someone keeps staring at you. Everytime I walk past my sister's room for all 365 days of the year, he gives me that cold stare, as if he wasn't happy or anything. Like okay, so what do you want? I tried asking him already, but he just keeps staring at me. Exactly like the fucking Bishan Gay who sits at Macs and KFC the whole day just doing nothing but staring at kids.

Bishan Gay is slightly better because I don't see him on weekends when I don't go to school.

Whereas I see Toa Payoh Jay everyday when I'm at home.

I tell you, this is one gangster I'm going to level my scores with. I'm doing it now and I intend to do it anytime soon in the future should the need ever arise.

POINT NUMBER THREE. Jay Chou thinks he's damn smart.
Apart from that gangsta look, he also thinks he's damn smart. Don't ask me how I know because I'm not revealing my sources. Anyway, that arrogant sneer of his only serves to prove one point: He thinks he's damn smart. You go look at all his pictures and how many of them actually sees him smiling?

Hardly even 10%, I'd say. And sometimes I'd really wonder about his intelligence level.

Let us just review another of his songs, called “七里香”。I'm sure that many of you would have at least heard of this album, or song, which to me is certainly an oxymoron because 1) Jay is smelly while his song is fragrant. Very ironic. 2) The title, translated, literally means "7 metre fragrance". Now what the hell is that?

Fragrance, if in the air, will diffuse. You cannot possibly control it within a 7-metre radius. Any self-respecting Chemistry or Science student will tell you that. And what the hell is the title supposed to mean? What 7-metre fragrance? You don't measure fragrance by metres, if you even measure it. You measure it by either volume (which is still very difficult), or just its smell. It's like judging the depth of the pool using radians or logarithms, totally inapplicable and inexplicable.

So Jay Chou, you still think you're damn smart?

And another sub-point, Jay Chou thinks he's damn popular. That is not a very serious offence as many people commit that as well. But it's a bookable offence and if Jay Chou was in RI, I'd most certainly give him hell, maybe like 100 hours of detention or something. Then YH and I, the masters of the booking forms, can go take turns to bully that fagut.

How do I know Jay thinks he's popular? His album of “七里香” shows him in a uniform that looks suspiciously like the Nazi. So he thinks he's some general, huh? He thinks he's some big shot, huh? Big shot my foot. If he's even big anything, then I must say he is a big shot, only with the third letter of the word "shot" mistyped on purpose, replaced by the letter to its left. If you don't get what I mean then you deserve to be shot.

I look down on him for that. He thinks he's really popular, eh? No doubt his ugly face is everywhere and his songs are heard all over the place but don't think I won't dare to challenge him! If he was in RI and if I were in RI (I've graduated) I'd probably whoop him for any positions of responsibility. He thinks by wearing the Nazi uniform he's got a position of authority, but he forgets that I'm der Führer out to fuck him up very well if I please. It's just that I don't please.

And he thinks he's got an army out there which he controls, which he can send to "play my backside", in Rockson's terms? Play then play la! I tell you, the only army he controls is the Young Girl Army. And it's true - for thousands of female young fans from all over the island (meaning Singapore) as well as all over Asia are going crazy over him. They'd form more than an army if he pleases, maybe two or three or even ten or twenty. Depends on how big one army is.

In any case I'm just telling you that guy is just bullshitting if he says he's got an army. His army of females (young ones at that) won't be enough to overcome MINE.

MY ARMY consists of a grand total number of thirteen people. If you still recall the 4J CEC elections, which I still do very well because I logged it somewhere, a total thirteen people voted for me. And though the average age of my army is probably younger than his average age (even some old women like him, okay); I'll bet he gets owned if our armies clash. For one simple reason: My army consists of non-buayas and will not be affected in fighting females if they want to provoke or attack us.

We'll just retaliate very very mercilessly. Sure, Jay's army could hurl his CDs and albums at us, while we throw chairs and tables courtesy of classroom C1-21 from RI. How about that? And maybe hurl the bloody projector at them as well, for it has not been working very well as far as I can remember. Broke down quite a few times too, while GC or DT was trying to show us Chemistry videos or Physics powerpoint.

And oh, not forgetting the OHP. Maybe we should hurl that at Mr Chou for good measure. That is, if he wants to start a war. I'm very receptive to the idea, because I don't think I will lose.

Oh plus maybe I'll get a bonus eighteen students to join in the war effort, because as 4J is a monarchy (der Reichstag) and I'm the monarch, anyone in 4J is automatically under my command. There will be no compromise, none at all. And I seriously am beginning to believe that I'm going to win the war with my army of thirty-one. Plus myself thirty-two.

Let me illustrate my example with Paddy, perhaps one of the most famous fighters in Britain. This example of Paddy is courtesy of DodgyScouser, one of the greatest joke sites ever which I love to read but I have no time to link. Here it is:

--
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replies, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!"

Saddam sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Begorra!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified out Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam is silent for a minute, then sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Faith and begorra!", says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" says Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy "We've all had a chat and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."
--

I hope you enjoyed that.

And do remember that I'm slightly more powerful than Paddy - four times, to be exact - because I have thirty-two people in my army while he has only eight.

So don't provoke me any further, Jay.

Nevertheless, I know some of you are going to talk about me, saying that I'm jealous of him and stuff. Well just let me clarify that I am not. For one, why should I be jealous of him when I'm better than him in like, almost every aspect? Even if I'm not, as a person overall I'll trounce him flat. And here's why:

Looks
I know a lot of people is going to say he looks great but I beg to differ. He's an ugly creature like me. I've got nothing to lose in criticising him here because if anyone says "you think he's ugly then you not ugly is it", then I can only reply that yes I am ugly and so what?! His slit eyes and big nose very big deal? Even if he looks better than me, I'm gonna tell you it's not gonna be by much.

Voice
All I can say is that his voice is unique. Like whose isn't? Even if he sings better than me I can play the recorder and I bet he can't. He will also get whooped by the best English pop singers.

Cliff Richard will shift him off the cliff.
Rod Stewart will prod him with a rod.
Elton John will shove him down the john.

Because their voices all own him. Even the voice of RI Class 2005 is better than his, because our batch song is "Voices That Care". Our voices do care. His doesn't.

GPA
Judging by the way he sings his songs and his thinking process, if he even goes through it - he can only be deserving of a GPA 0.8. I mean who can be so dumb? He'd fail everything except maybe Chinese, which he might beat me in, but then again you must always look at the big picture. He'd get whooped in me by English, Mathematics, Chemistry, Physics, and every other subject under the sun. Oh, and if you would watch Initial D, you would find that he can't act as well.

That would award him an "Ungraded" for Advanced Module Literature: Theatre Studies.

CLE
This one I confirm pwn his arse. He whole day sulk and sneer, probably get Approaching Expectations overall. I can assure you that you don't get good results for CLE by being a gangsta and showing fuckface everyday. Oh no - you'd have to be at least cheerful. I can at least see F4 and 5566 getting Meeting Expectations or Exceeding Expectations for their teamwork and cheerful personality, but Jay the solo kia-cum-gangster can jolly well go fail CLE. That sonofabitch. How's he gonna even come close to beating me?!

PE
Now although Jay looks like your typical fit young man, I doubt he can be so fit as to score full marks for Napfa. Like his song, the 7-metre fragrance, that's probably the furthest distance he's ever ran. And that is probably justified for this sort of no-lifer who confirm just spend his days singing away. Therefore, when it comes to 2.4km, he won't even pose a minor threat to me. Plus, you think he can invent games when he can't even invent songs? Fat hope, Jay. I think he only sings and eats and would have the figure of a haram had he not use unscrupulous techniques. The only reason why he has such a slim shape is probably because of his fucking sponsors and slimming products. I can bet the farm that he would have tried using Slim 10 before at some point of his life.

RE
If he sings the whole day, there is obviously no time for him to do research. Research takes time, not just skill. He would probably have neither and therefore I beat him for RE.

So the final score is Jay 0 YJ 100. Because like RP, different things carry different weightage and the weightage for judging ownership is as follows:

Looks (0%)
Voice (0%)
GPA (25%)
CLE (25%)
PE (25%)
RE (25%)

And so there. I've pwned Jay. (proven)

Thus concludes my studies of Jay and my violent streak for today (it actually rhymes). Since I pwn him, I cannot be jealous of him. It's only logical thinking.

I hope he will 自我反省 (come to his senses) and not 执迷不悟 (continue to believe he's damn good). Because after today I think the whole world is gonna know that I'm obviously much better than him.

Oh yea.

Much, much better than him. (shown) #