Damn the spam

What the heck. I just came back from Bintan (okay it's actually been a few hours) and my return to technology (teknologi) thus far has been rather disappointing. Here's why:

1) YL didn't blog today, which means I have to do it now at such an unearthly hour. (P.S. I had more time to sleep at the camp than in Singapore, damn it.)

2) My mailbox kena spammed, which wasn't much of a surprise. But you know how irritating it is to see one whole boxful of rubbish sometimes.

3) From point 2, I HAD a boxful of rubbish. Or at least, this one was. Today's post is just to condemn a silly chain letters that I received.

Anything in bold is my personal comment to it. Anything in normal font is the letter's f**ing rubbish. Here goes this shit:

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This is without a doubt one of the nicest forwards I have received. Hope it works for you -- and me!
This doesn't make any sense and it's just darn gay. You DO NOT receive nicest forwards. Nice forwards are perhaps people like Michael Owen who seldom gets yellow cards in their whole playing career. Nice forwards play soccer, they do not go into your email.

You have 6 minutes
Why SIX? Why not five, why not seven, why not eight?

There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious.
Any advice governed by laws of superstition is not proper advice. It's bullshit and it's trash pulled out from nowhere, I'll have you know.

This has been sent To you from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so Far.
Firstly, I do not know Who The Shit is Anthony Robbins and I'm quite sure I Do Not Want To Find Out. Secondly, How The Hell are you supposed to know how many times it's been sent round the world. It's a bloody email, not something tangible. So their logic holds no water. Anthony Robbins is a wanker.

Do not keep this message.
You are so damn right I'm not keeping this message. I'm gonna bloody post it on my blog.

It must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.
It's not in my hands, it's in my mailbox. And since you're warning me that I'm getting an unpleasant surprise, it wouldn't be a surprise any longer. All that threatening you (ie the chain letter) are giving me is making me laugh at you. You sound like some sick despo ahahaha.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
How would I know what they expect?! So if they come expecting a slap, I'll just give them a full-body drubbing while grinning widely?

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
Stating the obvious. But this is a bloody discriminating fact because it's like saying you can't marry mutes. Which is so insensitive to them - are they not human as well?

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
I agree with the first part "don't believe all you hear". "Spend all you have" is just fking rubbish meant for people who want to become bankrupt. The last bit "sleep all you want" is finally some sense.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
-.-" That's SO cliché.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
Then give him a black one.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
It contradicts the next point or it doesn't go hand-in-hand with it at least.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
There is no such thing as love as first sight. Love only comes when you understand a person - and before you accuse me of talking cock, go open your "No Ap0logies" booklet. Anything at first sight is either lust or infatuation. So there, stupid Anthony boy.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
People who dream too much fail Chem test. I am a living example. No wait, I'm a dreaming example. And just because I might laugh at someone else's dream doesn't mean I don't dream myself.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
The only way to live life completely is to get hurt? This is suddenly starting to sound sadomasochistic (or whatever that long word is) and sadistic and just WRONG. I'm not particularly excited to receive cult newsletters in my Inbox.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
So you can punch and kick but you cannot use words? That's dumb.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
This is getting funny because of the stupid words "judge" and "relatives" but it's an inside joke. And this is relatively more sensible compared to the rest. Though it hardly makes much sense.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
You'll end up like a certain Mr CKM, who is a big shot in charge of boarding. Name is censored to protect identity. Though of course one might dispute the fact that he even thinks.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
There shouldn't be any set way to reject a question. There are always more viable alternatives like 1) lying, 2) crapping and 3) saying "f**k off".

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Remember that great crappers must have great inboxes with great bullshit in them.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
This is sensible, but it's common sense. And whether you say it or not really makes no difference to the person unless he's some New Age Sensitive Guy like Anthony Robbins.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson .
What The Hell. LOSING IS LOSING.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
What about R for Raffles? The stupid first two Rs are essentially the same since they all mean respect.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
It's not our choice. If only we can "let" it hurt our friendship. -.-"

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
That's bad spelling (the "realise" is spelt the silly American way) and perhaps now I'm finding out why these facts are so bloody stupid.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
YOU TRY SMILING AND TALKING LA!

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
That's fking stupid. Who doesn't spend time alone obviously doesn't sleep.

Now, here's the FUN part!
Is forwarding nonsense very fun? I doubt it.

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
..only proving that it's your average chain letter, only with VERY LOUSY content.

1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
If it does, it's because of me.

5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
If it does, it's because of me.

9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks
LOL that's NEVER going to happen, Anthony Robbins you retard! You don't play the mathematics of probability with me, I have more sense than believing your shit.

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. Do not keep this message.
Any backstabber could reach for my hand and touch my heart. And nobody in his right mind will keep this message. Please, it's so dumb that I bet it's either 1) a blonde or 2) an American or 3) both who wrote it. Your facts are fallacious or unclear, or either that I just don't like the stupid shit you have typed. Basically I dislike chain letters, and I dislike them even more when they make no sense.

So that's why I'm making it known to the world - don't send me unnecessary emails. I hate getting spammed by nonsense okay.

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Now you might be asking "what's your dai ji" when you read the somewhat powerful insults that I use against a chain letter (okay makes me sound stupid). My problem is the unnecessary space taken up by this trash.

And anyway, I'm getting tired. So all you have to know is that Anthony Robbins is a damn wanker and YL should post more often. Now I'm looking forward to sleeping in a nice aircon room with a nice warm bed (contradictory) with no mosquitoes trying to sip YJ juice aka blood.

So in the process of forward-looking, I'll leave you to ponder about the stupidity of this post. Bye.