Welcome to the Chinese New Year!

Well to start it off, it's not that I am the one being racist or anything, it is just that, as the title suggests, it is a CHINESE New Year, which means that the year belongs to the Chinese. And not anyone else. So what happens to those of mixed blood? Logically, half-Chinese should celebrate half Chinese New year and quarter-Chinese should celebrate only a quarter Chinese new year. How? As with most important things, in a financial way of course. Think along the lines of getting half an angbao, with half a 1000-dollar note inside. Cry your hearts out people.

So there was this time I was at a food court somewhere and there was this advertisement selling one-person's share of lo hei for $9.90. And I wonder... who's going to do a lo hei all by himself? Imagine yourself shouting "lo hei lo hei" all alone. I mean how sad is that. If it were me, I'd rather not have that lo hei, thank you very much. Sometimes, as they say, truth is stranger than fiction.

Anyway this is the year of the dog and this has plenty of consequences on all aspects of your life. As a self-qualified fortune teller, I shall give all of you the advice you need for the year ahead. Just like they do in all those books on chinese horoscopes they have in the bookshop. Thank me, I'm helping you save money. Anyway, here goes nothing (literally)

1.Education
In order to get high marks, you have to go to obedience school.
To suck up, learn to chase after tennis balls.

2.Romance
To attract the opposite sex, leave your scent behind by peeing at strategic places, such as the canteen tables. More is always better. Do it on all the canteen tables. And smell other people's butts. Nothing promotes bonding more than a little butt-smelling. Plus, it helps you determine if they are in heat. If you follow this exactly, you would be attached...... to a leash that is.

3. Lifestyle
Last year was the year of the chicken and guess what, you had things like chicken little and more importantly the chicken dance. The chic move for the dog year is the dog move, which will involve you using your leg to scratch the back of your ear. Another cool move would be to keep chasing after your own butt. But make sure you tone it up first. Otherwise it will give you self-esteem problems.

4. Fashion
Obviously, the in-thing now is the collar, preferably tight and spiked, and for the really exceptional a leash, and for the very violent, a muzzle. Or simply be cool, by not wearing anything except the smiles on your faces, like dogs do.

5.Finance
It's a dog year. You shouldn't have to work. Someone should be feeding you. All you should do is act cute.

Most important of all...
Don't piss off any bitches. It's their year.