Jack and Jill

Right.. before we plunge into another week of darkness in RJC and before I think up of more excuses to cook up for not posting, let me tell you a story. (Kinda sounds like Mario Wong, ex-HM of RI eh..?)

This story might seem very familiar to you, but I know more than you think I know of it. And I'm telling you this story now because I think I'd be very busy during the week, as specified above. BUT. Before you proceed, I would like to remind you to read YH's post on the truth about life, which you can find below this post. Don't just read the story and then happily close the window.. that's not in accordance with society's moral values.

So just remember to read YH's post when you're done here. Simply because I believe all readers of TCS have high moral standards. Even if you don't, take this as your chance to make it to society's upper echelons. Okay I'm crapping now, so on to the story.

Well, I'm sure all of you would have heard of Jack and Jill, right? As in not the potato chips brand, but also about the nursery rhyme. Actually, these two jokers do exist in real life. In fact, both of them are my acquaintances and they wanted me to write their biographies. Well since I haven't have had much sleep for the past few days and since I figured I look scary enough now, I decided to be their ghost writer. I hereby name the biography "The Truth about Jack and Jill".

I have gained much valuable experience from writing biographies in RI (haha trust me I know A LOT about it), thanks to my 'biographical' partners James and Danny, as well as my English teacher Mrs. Patricia Nathan. They all played a big role in helping me learn, so now I believe I am thoroughly proficient in writing one. Of course, it might not be perfect, but hell, nothing is. So just sit back, and relax.

Presenting to you..

THE TRUTH ABOUT JACK AND JILL

Contrary to popular belief, Jack and Jill weren't little kids anymore. They had grown up. To protect the identity of the two afore-mentioned jokers, we will use fake names. Of course they might be real, but you wouldn't know if they were real anyway!! Haha in fact I should just use their real names and say it's fake so you will suspect everyone (to be Jack/Jill) except the person whose name I used right? Well that's a possibility and a tactic I might employ - so you could keep guessing.

But basically, Jack is a J4 named CK.

And Jill is a J1 named LL.

Now don't ask me to tell you if that's their initials or their real names, because the answer is so damn obvious! And don't ask me what CK stands for, I'll just tell you Calvin Klein and LL simply stands for Lai Lin. As in our dear Year Head 4 that loved us all so much.

You get my point. Don't ask me any questions. Now back to the story.

Contrary to popular belief, Jack and Jill were not siblings. They were classmates in a certain JC in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area. Which is somewhat a cross-breed of the Bishan-Toa Payoh GRC and the Ang Mo Kio GRC. Well one day PAP decided to re-draw the electorial boundaries and so poof, there you have it, Bishan-Ang Mo Kio GRC!!!, with this JC smack in the middle of it. Then it happened to be a voting centre so ya whatever.

So there was this day where Jack and Jill were looking for a hill to go up, since they went up Starch Hill in Sarimbun when Jack was a meagre Sec 1 kid (eh sounds like RI orientation right!!). But now in the middle of some desolate landscape (full of buildings, but that's all), they couldn't find a suitable place. They racked their brains for a bit.

Jack: Let's go up a hill.
Jill: Sure, but where.
Jack: I don't know.

Then racked a little more. After 5 minutes..

Jack: You know where to go?
Jill: I don't know.

After 2 hours..

Jill: Let's go Macritchie!!
Jack: Wa set man!

Ah, that was a brilliant suggestion. For going up hills in Macritchie in pairs always allowed tired cross country runners training there (like me) to get some amusement and inspiration. Like "eh look at that couple making out faster than I can run, tmd better run faster ar.." sort of thing. So anyway, Jack and Jill, being the best of friends (though not yet lovebirds), decided to go Macritchie together.

They found a nice little hill which they went up, and to prevent themselves from dying of thirst in case they got lost, they carried a pail of water. Jack and Jill, best of friends, carrying a pail of water up the hill. Or if you like rhyming sentences - Jack and Jill, with a pail, up the hill. You get what I mean.

Now by saying they were best of friends, meaning Jack trusted Jill and Jill trusted Jack. Like, they both knew each other very well and they were 志同道合. But as they slogged up the hill, they found out that the journey took longer than they expected! And the sky was getting dark! They obviously didn't plan their journey well, because they expected to go up and down a hill in one hour before dusk. And they obviously didn't ask the cross country runners how long it took to make one round around the place.

So Jack, being Jack, got jacked.

Unfortunately, Jill did not know something about Jack, as best friends tend to hide a very special secret from you. And that secret is most probably some deep dark one that is super secret that it is really a secret.

But too bad. I know Jack's secret. That being that Jack is some perverted bastard, and can get damn horny at times. This is also the reason why I don't put pictures here, because I'm afraid there are horny readers of TCS, and anyway I don't store porn in my computer. So I am SORRY (actually I'm not) about the lack of pictures, but I'll just leave this to your imagination.

Well, when you go up the hill, you oppose gravity and your body has to work harder to keep blood pumped all over the place. So Jill started to perspire. And soon she got soaked to the skin. Oh and not to mention she was wearing her JC's PE kit, which happens to be white in colour!! But I will not mention the JC because of privacy purposes.

If you have any sense at all, you'd know white + water = translucent. Jack's imagination got wild at first, but later his imagination stopped running wild because 1) it was too dark to run and 2) there was nothing to be left to the imagination as her shirt was just dripping wet! (And almost transparent.)

And if you didn't catch it just now or didn't read carefully enough, I said Jack was horny.

So despite being the best of friends, he could not control his feelings and raped her!! =O

Such a bastard innit. To think that she trusted him as Jack was her friend.

Well in the morning they both were snuggled up in the forest.. and it happened to be a bright beautiful Saturday morning where the sun shone and the birds chirped.

And a new group of irritating cross country runners would come and train. This time, very coincidentally, the runners happened to be from the same JC as Jack and Jill! But because Jack and Jill were concealed in the forest, it wasn't easy to spot them.

However, as luck would have (not?) had it, this particular smart runner had a stomachache that morning as he had had a full breakfast before coming for training. He thought he was being damn manly, but ended up jacking himself when he couldn't take it anymore during the run.

So I.. oops I mean "he", went off to one side of the forest to relieve himself.

Well it felt good. I mean I think it felt good.

After a while, I he was relieved and was about to walk out when he heard a soft breathing sound. And he turned around to look. A monkey. Damn it he was so f**king scared he just ran to the other side screaming!

And guess what! He collapsed onto a couple lying on the ground..

..doing something sick.

Okay no prizes for guessing who, but they were Jack and Jill.

Jill: HELP!!!!
Jack: ...
Jack: What's that smell??

So anyway they all got out of the forest, and Jill felt damn betrayed by her so-called best friend. A police report was filed later in the day - and the reason why this doesn't come out in the papers is because of the grossness of it all. Just imagine the whole story all over again. Or read it if you please. Gross, isn't it?

And plus they had to protect the identity and the image of the JC. The press had better stfu.

But what, you may ask, is the purpose of telling this story?

Of course, there is the entertainment value (SENSATIONAL!). Then there is the moral of the story that you should never trust your best friend (okay that's like saying trust no one).

And then there is also a lesson in précis writing to be learnt! Or summary writing, if you please.

Could you sum the whole thing all up in one sentence? I certainly can.

Don't peek at the answer below until you've thought it out. And after you read the answer, you are reminded to read YH's post.

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Ans: Jill got jacked and Jack got jilled (jailed).