Letter of distress

I am writing this letter to someone who fully understands the problem, someone who can really help me with it. Thus I wish to direct it to an Uncle Agony (or whatever his name is), no aunties please. You will see why.

Dear _________,

I'm afraid I'm in a bit of a fix. Because of this little thing called the World Cup that going on now, I'm afraid I've started to hallucinate and my life has been turned upside down. Being a rather mild football fanatic, I wasn't really interested about the World Cup initially. But after watching the first, somehow I got hooked onto the game and I started watching every single match after that even though I am deprived of cable television.

I'm now a full-time football despo. I crave World Cup matches, and I find many ways to get my live coverage. I've resorted to going to Macdonalds late in the nights, early in the mornings to catch the games live. And this lifestyle is driving me mad because the burgers I buy look like soccer balls. The ladies serving me at the counter look like they support Germany (with their black faces). The alternating-coloured tiles on the wall looks like Croatia's jersey.

And worst of all, I go mad when I see a field and I start scoring imaginary goals.

Now you would also like to know that being a student of one of the top JCs in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area, I have Common Tests coming up at the start of the term. However, I only just received news on it when I met one of my friends at Macdonalds. If not for him, I would never have known about it. Apparently, they are going to test me on Mathematics, Chemistry, Biology and Economics.

So I am turning to you, Uncle _______, for help.

Can you please tell me how to find the answer scheme for all the Common Tests so I need not mug and concentrate on the World Cup? Or could you provide me with a one-hour crash course each day before the World Cup matches so that I'll do well for my CTs? I don't mind the hallucination really, I just want my results. Uncle, please help me.

I don't need to pass with flying colours. Because I am seeing lots of them at the World Cup already. Just let me enjoy my soccer and come out with decent results. I'll be happy enough.


Yours footballfanatically,
Nidiam Lusmahs

(P.S. In my state of hallucination, I like to think of myself as a referee)

Jacked

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All play and no work makes Jack a dumb boy.
Therefore,
Play and work makes Jack a dumb AND dull boy.

Battle of the sexes

After YL's profound post on nuclear physics (or is it?) yesterday, I feel like an idiot bringing you back to the REAL WORLD. Where the Earth IS significant, the Sun IS significant and the moon.. hmm maybe not. You would notice after sometime that in scientific books you have Earth starting with a capital "E", Sun with a capital "S" and moon with no capitals.

Hence it can be more or less proven that the moon does not have any significant significance on us whatsoever. But have you ever wondered why? If you have, I say don't bother. These are stupid esoteric questions that you'll never get to answer. At least, I don't get to answer them so I'd rather stick to reading Chemistry. But talking cock seems more appealing so here I am.

Just take it that the moon is useless. See, they only get their light from the Sun. And if you're thinking I'm making a sexist remark because 嫦娥, some crazy woman from Chinese folklore who went to live on the moon (I've even forgotten how she got up there, damn it), IS on the moon.. you're wrong. Because like I mentioned earlier, I'm not here to talk about the universe.

So I think I'd stop sidetracking and get back to what I really want to talk about.

The battle of the sexes. And it certainly does not concern the universe. Just the world. And to make it even more precise, the World Cup. There has been too much debate in the papers about whether the World Cup or the Great Singapore Sale is more important - and in actual fact it's just a clash of interests between the men and women. As a boy who has yet to turn 18, I find myself perfectly suited to give an objective view.

And since Edwin Yeo of The New Paper has stated in his column today that he "does not wish to turn to blogging" - it probably means that he won't be here to talk crap about this battle of the sexes. Well since I watch the World Cup and since there's a lot of debate OFF the net, let's have some now.

What the World Cup is to women: A stupid game with 22 idiots chasing after one ball. Okay maybe plus one idiot in the middle wearing black who can REALLY be an idiot at times - and lots of other idiots watching the 22 idiots chasing after the ball.

What the Great Singapore Sale is to men: A bore. Enough said.

So anyway - I'm here to disprove the women's arguments about idiots. And their statement is so wrong. If you analyse carefully what they say, you can find lots of loopholes in their statement.

"A stupid game with 22 idiots chasing after one ball." - I can easily spot a few flaws with that.

1) The World Cup is not just ONE game, it's a freaking tournament and there are lots of games to decide the winner. To be exact, it's sixty-four.

2) Not to mention playing soccer involves lots of physical endurance and psychological powers (mind games), so how can that be stupid. You tell me.

3) I doubt the goalkeepers actually bother to chase balls around the centre of the pitch. If you don't believe me, try turning on the TV and watch a football match. I think the most number of players you'll ever see chasing ONE ball.. is perhaps. Four or five. Maybe slightly more, but definitely not twenty-two. Still, the women don't watch soccer so I guess their offence is pardonable.

4) Some don't even chase balls at times. There's this technique called "dribbling". And some players just go for the legs instead of the ball. So the argument that the players chase balls is not quite technically correct.

As you can see, sometimes the statements of the women can be quite fallacious. I could also say that the Great Singapore Sale is just basically one whole load of idiots going after bargains - but NO. That's obviously not the case, because all it takes is one genius to go there just to shop for his/her mugging materials and there you go, I'm proven wrong.

So I'm not going to make any sweeping statements. There's nothing wrong with the Great Singapore Sale. It's just bad luck that it had to coincide with the World Cup.

Which brings up another point, some Dutch ladies started some petition to try and BAN the World Cup. What the heck?! HOW CAN YOU BAN OUR BLOODY WORLD CUP?!!!

Now I don't know what those Dutch ladies are thinking, but unlike what you see in local supermarkets, your Dutch ladies aren't exactly the most peace-loving people who are just out to produce milk in funny flavours like banana, honeydew and err.. a few others I can't quite remember. They are NOT milkmaids. They are your potential deprivers of entertainment!!!

It's like, how can you ever ban the World Cup?

It's where you can stand amidst fields of gold and green,
and hear a billion hearts that beat unseen.
You can join the crowds that cheer as one,
in the place where they all come.
You can feel 90 minutes of fleeting time and space,
with tragedy, and triumph, and amazing grace.
You can carry them forever in your soul,
their names carved on every goal.

This is where you can always belong,
this is where legends are born.

If you didn't quite get that, this = World Cup. It's so entertaining, so glorious, so honourable.. so why let the Dutch ladies stand in our way and ban the World Cup?

There were only two occasions where the World Cup was not held - and that was in 1940 and 1944. Also known as umm, World War II. So in other words, with my super logical logic, it means the World Cup is a CELEBRATION OF PEACE! Hmm seems like the Dutch milkmaids want to start World War III, but it's okay - with their population of people residing in the east of Holland, I doubt it would be anything significant.

Still, from reading the viewpoints from some of our local readers - it turns out that some women here are pretty shallow and are suffering from attention deficit disorder!! The men are using the "one month in four years" excuse, and there's this particular woman who replied in a particular paper that "the men should give more attention to us".

Lady, it's certainly not the men's fault if you demand like, 24/7 attention from them. Come on..! After three years and eleven months of giving you total attention, is it wrong to have one month to watch other men? It's not as if they are brokeback either, because though it's true they are looking at other men, it's at a bloody TV screen. So what's the problem here?

By the way, her comment was placed beside scores of other female readers who sent in their views in support of letting the men watch their World Cup. I think this woman must be suffering from severe insecurity. "More attention" - like what the hell. Do you suppose you would be receiving attention from your man at 3am at any normal day without the World Cup? Don't be ridiculous. Go to the Great Singapore Sale.

Just take it that it's impossible to ban the World Cup.

And after blabbering so much, what have we to conclude?

Umm actually. Some men do go to the Great Singapore Sale, and some women do watch the World Cup. Granted their motives might be different, like how men go to the Great Singapore Sale to buy World Cup merchandise and punters' guides, and how women stay up to watch World Cup matches to see hot guysss (which is kind of stupid because staying up gives you eye rings which makes you less attractive).. BUT nevertheless they do it all the same.

So about the battle of the sexes.. men vs women.. WC vs GSS.. that's just nothing but a stereotype. In actual fact, men and women live together harmoniously in a world of peace.

And yes, the WC will be here to stay for a long way.

Unless the Dutch ladies start World War III. Which I hope not - perhaps if the Dutch win this World Cup then that might not happen.

Oh well. So that's all I'm going to say. Just a neutral view from an objective bystander, not supporting the men or the women, because all I am is a little boy that's going to watch Brazil later.

All right enough crapping here - it's back to watching 22 idiots chasing after one ball =)

Your Life is a Universe

Your life is something like this



















And time and space did not exist for you, until someday, somewhere, there was the Big Bang. Yup, your father banged your mother, sick as it may seem.

And then there was time and space, and then light. Dust and other particles slowly gather to form stars. These are the people in your life. They make your life meaningful. As the saying goes, ' no man is an island' . Of the stars in your universe, most will be clustered into galaxies. In the real world, this is otherwise known as cliques. They all exert gravitational force and they seem attractive to you, because you are naturally in need of social interactions.

Galaxies provide structures for individual stars to lean on, thus it is only natural for a star to be part of a galaxy. Within a galaxy, stars share light and warmth, and support each other through turbulent times. Research has shown that stars within galaxies that are close enjoy longer lifespans.

Of course, there will be some weirdos known as lone stars who are in a world of their own because somehow galaxies have a strong repulsion to them. This may be due to their abnormal composition, but because they are not supported by other stars, they are quickly wrecked by random asteroids.

The importance of galaxies in your universe is determined by their positions in your universe. The more central, the more important. The fact is that due to stearic limitations, you cannot have all the galaxies in the centre. Some must definitely be on the fringe. But the funny thing is that the less galaxies you put in the exact centre of your universe, the more galaxies you can put close to the centre. It defies logic, but it is like that in this unique universe of yours.

Sometimes, galaxies break down and the stars disband as external factors such as humongous asteroids tear them apart. At other times, the stars exert opposing gravitational influence, causing them to drift further and further away. If you are not careful, then this will become a continuous process in your universe. Your galaxies will constantly be switching positions based on their gravitional pull, and your universe becomes chaotic.

The choices are numerous, but stars of the galaxies in the centre of the universe usually have the greatest gravitational influences on each other and are extremely difficult to break apart. But in the end, it is entirely your choice which galaxy becomes the central one of your universe.

There's a sun and a moon and our dear earth somewhere. But remember, this is a universe, so sunlight counts for almost nothing. It will be a mere speck amongst the array of brilliant stars.

What is your universe like? The choice is yours.

How to watch WC

All right. I'm guessing that when you all read the title you all would probably be thinking like - "This bugger has really gone crazy now - who the **** does he think he is telling us how to watch World Cup?!!"

And if you're thinking that I'm going to say that "you're wrong, actually there is more to just turning on the TV and watching it" - you are wrong. Because this post is not meant for anyone out there who's reading this, it is simply meant for myself.

I had a harrowing experience (okay maybe not) on midnight, the 13th of June 2006. Despite the possible fact that the harrowing experience might have come from the date (13th) or the fact that it was simply midnight the witching hour, I can assure you that it did not come from either. It was because of the World Cup Group E match between the Unscrupulous Screwed Arseholes (commonly known as the USA) and the Czech Republic.

As you can tell from my description of the Americans, you probably know that I'm not too fond of them. So I was basically just waiting in front of the computer for the match to start, waiting for the Czech Republic to deliver the USA a whooping. I wanted to see the pain on every American's face in the crowd as the Czechs put them to shame.

Yes, I was that confident of the Czechs. And yes, I'm that sadistic. But don't blame it on me, blame it on the American Gunbound and Runescape players - they started all that crap which made me hate them so much. Half of them think Singapore's in China, while the other half probably doesn't know that a country called Singapore exists. (What they really need is Shamsul Maidin to referee their game and to make a few kayu decisions - against them DUH - before they'll finally accept our existence, albeit with much anger.)

Nevertheless, that is not my point. The point is that those American sh*theads are badly in need of a thrashing. And I was badly wanting to be the witness to it. But as the match started at midnight and the previous one ended at 11pm, I had time to kill. So I figured I'll just have some fun on the computer.. until I realised that OOPS. It's already past midnight.

If you had just read the last two sentences of the previous paragraph, one might think that I'm a little good boy waiting to go to sleep. Oh no, the fun had just begun. I turned on the TV when the match was about eight minutes in progress. After all, eight minutes is a little too early for goals right?

Jan Koller didn't seem to think so. The fagut.

While I was chatting and playing my time away, THIS happened:


Czech Republic 1-0 USA. (I'm not going to spell out what the initials stand for because it's time-consuming and disgusting.)

Well, well, so much for time wastage - I've wasted my time not seeing American ego getting squashed. Ugh. So from the 8th minute I just slacked in front of the TV, waiting for some ownage to occur. It ALMOST happened, but no goal. That means objective not met.

Since it was a warm Monday night/Tuesday early morning, I decided to take a shower. After all I had just came back from a birthday party and I haven't showered since, half past seven. If you know me, I am very particular about cleanliness and all because falling sick means I don't get to watch WC. Which could mean the end of the world. Therefore, with much reluctance to leave the TV, I finally went to shower at the 28th minute.

Then..


This Czech bastid made it 2-0 for them. When I came out of the toilet around ten minutes later, I was damn pissed having missed yet another goal. But of course since I already pissed in the toilet, I couldn't be much angrier. Plus it was way after midnight and if I made any noise, the no-life neighbours (who don't, can't and won't watch soccer anyway) would complain. So I just sat and watched till half-time.

Half-time seemed like forever and I was getting tired. The logical choice was then to go and sleep. I turned off the TV, kind of satisfied that the US were, in their own kind of language, "getting their asses kicked". Went to my room to lie down and after a while, I figured that I wasn't so tired after all. I don't know why but it's just this feeling.

I tried to sleep. Zz..zz..zz.. but to no avail.

I got up. Turned on the TV again. Then I stood in shock and I was like "WHAT THE HECK".

Czech Republic 3-0 USA


Must be that Rosicky hates my guts. Always scoring when I'm away from the TV. When he scores, I'm caught napping.

Though I was happy that the USA were getting deeper and deeper into their mire (world ranking 5th my foot), I still wanted to catch a Czech goal. So I told myself, "I'm not going to miss any more goals", and it was there where I resolved to watch the whole damn match in order not to miss any goals. No matter how tired I was, I was going to stick it out in there.

Well, the Czech must have kind of made up their mind to close up shop. When I set up camp in front of the TV, those irritating faguts with long hair decided to leave the Americans with some pride and dignity. And stop pummelling them with goals.

Okay great. So the final score ended at 3-0, and I must have easily watched more than half of the match. AND I DID NOT SEE A SINGLE GOAL! How jacked is that. This is a reminder to myself as well as anyone/everyone who has had a similar experience: Either you watch the whole damn match and catch all the action (if it's 0-0 you're sad), or you don't watch anything and miss everything.

When you choose to watch a WC match, the opportunity cost is mugging one Chemistry topic. But when you don't get the expected utility in watching the match, then you just got cheated. I got cheated that night, damn it. And I really hate incurring implicit costs in the middle of the night - so let my experience be a lesson to all of you. If you're that stupid enough to go off at crucial intervals of the match.

Another thing about WC matches - entertainment not guaranteed. Like if you watch Korea vs Togo it's a bloody draggg even though the match ended 2-1. You can't support either team because both teams are rubbish. So totally ditching this sort of matches to mug might seem a more worthwhile offer. After all, there is a fixed amount of satisfaction you can get from mugging Chem.. but from watching soccer, it's a gamble. Like I said, you don't want to incur implicit costs in the middle of the night.

So when you watch WC, watch wisely!

Oh by the way - I've got an unofficial version of the US response to the defeat against the Czech. It's brash, vulgar, and basically typical of the way the Americans act towards anything that doesn't suit them. Don't say I didn't warn you. (And read the small print too.)

Letter to time

Dear Time,

I have been a very good boy this year (i have no idea how time works but i believe it's something like santa claus). I didn't take drugs, I didn't smoke, I didn't do a hell lot of bad stuff that I could have done. In doing so, I have made the world a better place. So won't you be a kind soul and spare me somemore of yourself?

I need you for my sleep, for my studies, to eat to play soccer to play waterpolo to pee and to shit. As can be seen, you are essential to me. Yet everytime, you slip from my grasp, like some slippery body with plenty of sunblock. I try to hold you back, but you spit in my face like Francesco Totti does and then you kick me in the face.

Time, if you do not give me more of yourself, I shall become like the poor guy below.


(What the fuck is wrong with me?!!)
or
(My head is full of lice!)
or
(A massage a day keeps my brain cells awake)








But people nowadays are under more pressure. That's why you see all the people writing to psychologists in the newspaper. And after that they appear in the newspapers in the orbituaries section. Somemore, Singapore is like heaven for people who want to commit suicide. Just take any elevator, go up, jump down and then you'll float up again, even higher and faster than before, that is if you never do evil deeds. If you do then you go down somemore loh.

But then if i die, time, i would lose you altogether. No, it's more of you I need, not less. As I type this post, I am using you, but I am sure you do not mind yourself being used for this meaningful purpose, as opposed to being exploited for studying.

Sorry let me sidetrack for a moment. At this very moment, dwight yorke is groaning in pain as a ball from steven gerrard has hit yorke's balls. Oh shit, he's like crying. Must be real painful.

Ok back to the main topic. Time, you are always passing by, always going, never stopping, never waiting. Why don't you just spend a moment talking cock with me?

Sidebar updates #1

All right.. I'm sure you would have noticed some of the rubbish at the right side of this blog. Well we do take the time to update the sidebar with other random stuff - so when we remove old crap, we put up new crap. But the thing is - we don't like the old crap to go to waste. That's why we are posting it now.

Okay why am I using "we".. it's only me who's doing all the dirty work here. Haha anyway here goes..

YUK LUN'S TIPS ON PREPARATIONS FOR CHEM RETEST

(Note: There was a retest for Chem failures and YL had to go to school the next day for it. He was kind of reluctant, though.)

YL: anyway i can't decide whether to go for chem makeup test tml
YJ: you have to go. what you mean you can't decide.
YL: can i just say i'm sick or sth? and i f**king haven't study yet
YJ: you can. only thing they might not believe you
YL: go there and fail again.
YL: shit how. sure fail leh
YJ: then say you overslept.
YL: yar right. f**k dilemma.
YJ: you alr decided not to go.
YJ: so how is it a dilemma.
YL: i'm swayed by the threat of punishment
YL: i think i shld go sch cos i scared get white slip.
YJ: they can't give white slips during hols. and not if you're sick.
YL: lol but i got nothing to prove it.
YJ: yes you do - you have an alibi namely whoever's at home.
YL:but i nvr tell my mother.
YJ: tell her tmr then.
YL: if i tell her i skipping make up test then she'll ask me how much i get for my previous chem test
YJ: then just say its cca la!
YL: its a lie to cover a lie dammit. if they have sth later ask parent to sign then i die right
YJ: no you're just sick you won't die.
YJ: and you could always lie again.

After an hour of intense debate:

YJ: i think you should go la.
YL: but then hor. i'm quite confident of failing leh
YJ: since you failed once - what's failing another?
YL: nvm. i've decided to go.
YL: ... (probably looks at time)
YL: less than 6 hours sleep liao.
YJ: my fault? you want me to send my private jet over?
YL: ya i don't want to use my air force one
YJ: got air force one then still don't want to use?
YL: for retest only. not worth it
YJ: ...
YL: ah i go slp lah
YL: byebye

..how you should waste time when you have a Chem retest the next day.

More trash to come. More products of talking cock.

MRT

First of all, let me say that i hate the mrt. No, i mean i hate the other people taking the mrt. You know those displays near the control stations of mrt stations? Yeah, they're there for a reason, to tell you when the next train is arriving. And for what? So that you can adjust your walking speed accordingly. But unfortunately, some people do not get this second part of this extremely diffcult, nuclear-physics-intelligence level concept.

Because one time, i was walking past the screen at the control station which says the next train is arriving in 1 minute, which means that if you wanted to catch the train, you would have to take some initiative and force your immense celluloid-filled legs to walk instead of being a lazy bum and simply stand on the escalator. Now apparently, some couple didn't get this and stood on the escalator blocking the entire passageway. Fortunately, I wasn't in a hurry either so I, being a considerate person, stood on the left hand side of the escalator. At first, I thought that maybe the couple were just like me, and didn't need to catch the train, having all the time in the world to enjoy each other's company.

But no! just as they arrived on the platform, the doors of the mrt closed. And look at the profound words of the female half of the couple.

"Shit! We missed the train!"

Wow great deduction Sherlock. I wanted to say something like, "you're smart, but my guinea pig is smarter". That would really have made my day, but i just couldn't la.

I wanted to try it once..

Well after doing GP Common Test Question 1, I had a look at Question 2. Don't ask me why I did it, but I just did. If I haven't read on, I doubt you'd have anything here to read today as well.

Question 2 goes, "The pursuit of equality of the sexes is not only futile but foolish." Do you agree?

Which left me totally stumped. Like how was I going to write about equality of the sexes when it's obvious I'm a 100% male? By that I don't mean I'm some crazy alpha male, but it states on my birth cert that I am "Male". And I don't go around disputing legal documents so I'm like "wtf what am I going to say about this." For one, you are either male or female. There is no equality in one's sex. Thus how do you have "equal sex"? Okay dang that doesn't sound quite right - but if you get what I mean, how do you be male and female at the same time?

It's quite hard to know. And I doubt I'd ever find out.

But living by my motto of "nothing is impossible", I decided that even though it would be incredibly difficult to find out how living in two sexes would be like - I would have to give it my best shot anyway. Recently, because of certain events and circumstances happening around me, I found out that I needed to umm.. explore my feminine side, assuming it exists.

Which it might not because I've never actually thought of myself as female. And it kind of sickens me to think that I have to bring the female out in me because I'm MALE and it says so on my BC!!

Still, for the love of GP and for my desire to research to expand my horizons as well as to gain further knowledge and understanding of the human race, I decided to be the guinea pig and sacrifice myself.

Today, I bring you the results of my research. Of how I tried to be a female, once.

By the way please don't laugh. It's really for the betterment of the relations between both sexes. I'm trying to strike a balance here and I'm making a noble sacrifice to do it so it's not funny.

Okay.. here goes the result of my research.

It was a Sunday afternoon. My mother wanted to go out shopping and I was like "uhh that stupid boring activity with no purpose" again. But suddenly a voice at the back of my head reminded me of my research and I immediately snapped out of my boyish state. I wanted to be a good boy girl and join mama in shopping!

So I went up to her and went like, "Mummy, can I go shopping with you, pleaseeeeeeeee?"

She kind of looked shocked, but she asked me if I was sure. Of course I was! After all I had to see what was the fun in shopping. The first sacrifice had been made - leveling up in Gunbound for a trip down Orchard Road. So much for opportunity cost - I didn't sign up for this, but for the sake of my research I persevered.

Well as I was walking down Orchard Road there was this great temptation to pop in any sports store and start checking out the soccer balls. Plus it was World Cup fever and I think I was getting a fever by avoiding all the sports stores. I was going mad. I was going bonkers looking at all the dresses and wondering what on earth could girls see in them.

Then suddenly. The voice at the back of my head struck again.

I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl, dammit!

Oops. Now now, girls aren't exactly inclined to swear in public aren't they? For no reason I started to give a sickly sweet smile, and I think some members of the public were starting to wonder who this crazy sicko was. They were probably right - I was getting sick of shopping and I was going crazy, but now I'm a girl and I'm sooo crazy over shopping! Yay <3 shopping!!

We walked past a shop where I saw a poster of a model. Her dress looked so immaculate, so perfectly designed, so suitably tailored for the model. Every detail was in place. I wanted to take a picture to show all of you on this blog but I didn't bring a camera so I found a similar picture on the Net.

Which reminds me, you'd better thank me for this picture because I sifted through lots of crap (as in really A LOT OF TRASH) before finally finding this picture which is similar to the one I saw. You know how annoying the search engine can be at times.

Anyway back to the point, I saw the picture of the model somewhat like the one above. And to reiterate my point the dress was sooooo well-designed that I HAD to point it out to my mother.

"Mummyyy.. did you see that? Her dress is so GLAM la!"

My mum: "Err.. glam?"

She didn't quite get girl talk did she! I was feeling like quite a failure. Nevertheless I wasn't going to rattle on and on about how lovely the dress was or how glam it really looked, so I let it pass.

Then we walked past a CD shop.

And I saw this @$*&%#&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;^@$&*&%@#! bugger.






Don't know why everytime must see his kpkb face that's never smiling. Whole day give that sort of black face as if someone wants to punch him. Well at this rate he's more than likely to get a punch from any gangster. I mean, look at the picture again. Doesn't his face spell out "H. I. T. M. E."?

Ack and my demure girly mind took over.

"Mummyyy.. look at Jay Chou! He's sooooooo cuteeeeeeeeeeee!"

Shit, I really regretted saying that because some guy who happened to be walking past while I made that comment started bursting out in laughter. And my mother was like kind of stunned, because she thought all the while I had this vendetta against Jay Chou. Not now - when I have turned into the New Age Girl.

Mum: "I thought you never liked him?"
Me: "Ya but now he's so kawaii~~~~~~~"

And people were starting to stare so I said I wanted to go to the toilet. In case you were wondering, I still went to the males' toilet because feminism is not a physical state - it is the state of the mind. So it's ALL IN THE MIND, man. IT'S ALL IN THE MIND.

Had to be female in soul. Had to be female in spirit. Had to be female by heart.

Okay so I came out of the toilet resolving to just maintain the feminine state of mind. And just to prove that I was kinda interested in Jay Chou (ya right), I told my mother that I wanted to buy one of his discs. My determination to get his latest album (which is quite outdated anyway) really surprised my mother, but then again I'm paying for it so she didn't really care.

We came to the section where all the Jay Chou CDs were. There was this huge collection of them. As in there were really many of them, a damn wide variety.

Me: "Look! Jay Chou got so many albums worrrrrrx~~~~~"

Mum: "Eh. Are you okay or not?"

I was about to do the Hard Gay "okayyy" when I stopped myself in time.

Me: "Sure." (smiles sweetly)

Mum by then wasn't amused anymore.

Mum: "I think you have a fever, let me touch your forehead."

...

Okay forget being a girl. I think I had enough.

I walked out of the CD shop and headed for the MRT station. Then wait.. no, something was amiss. Having regained my manly status, I began my long walk home.


P.S. I hope the results of my research proves conclusive.

NOOOOOOOOOO

Being your local html noob, I don't know why this blog suddenly has become so much more colourful. Blame it on watching too much World Cup, I'm trying to make everywhere as nice and vibrant.

Of bugs, omen and a tooth

Things have been a whirl. So many things, so little time. And i shall blog about it all at once here, and be brief about it. I have night training for water polo, meaning at 7pm. So when the sky begins to get dark, these huge floodlights are switched on, and all the crazy bugs are attracted to the lights. Once or twice, i saw a few bats gobbling up the bugs around the lights, but i can't really tell whether they're birds or bats.

I think the scientific reason for the bugs going towards light is so that they can mate. But the problem is that the bugs never train, so got no stamina, after a while, they can't fly anymore, so they drop right down...into the swimming pool. And so the whole fucking swimming pool is littered with these bugs, and you got to be careful not to swallow too much water or else you might just swallow them in. Oh and you might think that swallowing them is not a big deal because they're a source of protein but let me tell you that if you do so you're swallowing them alive.

Because these hardy bugs, on landing in the water, have not died yet, even though they're lying in the water with their undersides facing upwards. I know because i tried an experiment by using my hand to lift one bug out of the water and lo and behold, it walks on my hand! Definitely still got life in it. Of course, after that, i lowered it in the water again to allow it to continue its swimming lessons. But it's really quite disgusting.

But not as disgusting as The Omen, because the bugs came free while i had to pay 8 dollars for the omen. The Omen is one big fucking disappOintMENt. Maybe that's where it got its name from. I was looking forward to some big time horror movie like The Ring which would scare the living shit out of me, but all I got was a boring story about how a few people died.

First of all, it's unrealistic. Would you take any baby without knowing of the origin and go raise it as your own? NO! Unless you're siao or stupid or both. All the while, you believe some dubious character who doesn't even look like a doctor and who tells you your child is dead and who stuffs some other baby into your arms. Granted, that child might grow up to be Bill Gates, but the chance of that happening is 1/6.5 billion (world population), so you have to be terribly optimistic to take the child because there's an equal chance that he'll become osama bin laden. Of course you can name your child Bill Gates, but you probably know that im talking about the world's richest man here.

Secondly, it's not scary. The little boy isn't scary. But it sure is sadistic. Because they wanna show you the slow process of death as an air bubble enters the blood vessel and the victim is looking but helpless against it. Sick but not scary. To prove my point that it wasn't scary at all, i managed to fall asleep the moment i went to bed and slept for 12 hours straight. Haven't had such a nice sleep for a long time.

Morals of the film:
Always look up to check for danger(two people get killed by falling objects)

Don't raise a baby that isn't your own ( make sure you get a DNA test, you can't even trust your own husband, who is a nitwit, stupid enough to accept any baby)

Believe the cranks who tell you of danger ahead and that the world is ending.

Be a Christian. I believe that's the underlying motive of the film which is that because there is a devil somewhere out there to create havoc, we should all be pious Christians to stop the devil. Scared yet? Um and if you actually do convert to Christianity because of this film, then it just doesn't reflect well on Christians.

Borring film. There were parts that seemed to be horror, and i half-cover my eyes with anticipation, then always come out some anti-climax shit.

But that's not what's making me pissed off right now. I lost a part of me today, literally. This morning, I chipped my front tooth in training. The ball hit my face, and the tooth chipped. and all the while i thought my tooth would be more than a match for the ball. So i was wrong. I train my muscles and forgot to train my teeth. Now part of me is either inside my stomach or in the swimming pool. So sad. At first, i didn't even know my tooth chipped. It was just freakin pain, and then the pain subsided and i thought all was well. Until i stuck out my tongue, and it felt plain weird, and then i felt the sharpness of the chipped tooth.

But then ah, the secret to happiness is to look on the bright side of everything. So i have to look on the bright side and say that at least, i can spend less time brushing my teeth because there's less surface area. Smart right?

to sir with love

in primary school, whenever i use capital letters in my essays to try to reinforce the point that a person is screaming out loud, i recall that my teacher would just take out her red pen and slash it across the paper because i wasn't supposed to use capital letters for the whole word. even though the spelling was perfect, using capitals to spell out a whole word was considered bad spelling (like wth).

in secondary school, i was using the computer in hullett memorial library, a place rather full of fond memories especially with a *itch called mrs. *heryl *ap who liked to catch me checking my email without permission. right there beside the computer stations there's this like, huge sign about webspeak saying "DO NOT USE CAPITAL LETTERS. IT IS EQUIVALENT TO SHOUTING ON THE NET."

and like the way i presented it here the notice was bold, big and err.. in capitals. really leaves you to wonder what's the point of putting that up eh.

so for all the mannerisms that i have been taught in my past schools, i've decided to abandon capitals for good. (actually for this post only)

after all, if using capital letters constitutes shouting/being rude, then would it not be true that i am being rude at the beginning of every sentence? a proper sentence that starts with a capital letter would then represent me shouting at the beginning of every sentence?

not bad. so if you can imagine me reading out all of my posts here, using the fact that capitals = shouting.. i think i might have lost my voice altogether.

oh well. these are just random thoughts after a nice, calm after-lunch walk. as i ate quite a lot i decided to go for a short walk to let some food digest. the walk lasted three hours and i think it's all digested already - the moment i went home i had a stomachache. think next time i could have a middle name like "johnny". because i'm a walker. keep walking.

and for all my teachers who were ever so against the use of capitals, i dedicate this post to you. except for the quoted part above from hullett memorial library. that's not my problem any longer.

Opening ceremony

"Hey you people from ze rest of ze vurl.. I am deklaring zat ze kompetition für ze Vurl Kup to be officially open NOW! Hope you lazy zuckers vill lose money at your lokal pools by betting against ze greht Deutschland!!"

So.. as the members of TCS are great soccer fanatics (remember YL and I play 1v1 soccer at the basketball courts?), we are offering you soccer betting on the World Cup. It's called the TCS Pools and it works this way - you pool your money, and then you bet it all on the team that we choose for you.

You might think that you wouldn't be that stupid. But hell, it's the World Cup Fever! Fever means you'd probably be sick. Sick means you cannot think properly. Cannot think properly means delirium. Delirium means anyhow bet. Then when the World Cup is over and your fever is gone, we the bookies at TCS will start having OUR delirium by counting our winnings. Then when we have our fevers we can pon CTs! Yay this is what I call KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE - 一举两得！

In World Cup terms, KILL TWO TEAMS WITH ONE BALL. Like if there's a draw in the final match of the group stages and the result means both teams kena KO. =)

By the way, I just noticed that TCS is just a re-arrangement of CTs. Hmm maybe CTs stands for "Cock Talks"?

Random.

On a separate note, talk about bookies - the matches are gonna be way late at night right into the early mornings. So there will be lots of time to kill in between while receiving bets and waiting for the matches to start.

Being bookies, we should lead by example and take out our bookies (and notes) to go mug. After all, you are kindly reminded that CTs are just round the corner and mugging is more or less compulsory. When in RJ, do as the RJ people do and start mugging (ugh stupid life this is).

Anyway the Germany vs Costa Rica match will be starting in a few minutes. Right so I'd better be off.

Bets anybody?

GP CT Paper 1

Question 1: "A profit-driven mass media is more vibrant than a government-regulated one." Discuss.

According to Economic marking schemes, the word "discuss" indicates a Level 2 or Level 3 response, and hence I'd have to give a balanced argument. However from the question itself, there is bias indicated in the sense that the author is trying to assume and psycho-propel others to think that a profit-driven mass media is more vibrant than a government-regulated one, which might not necessarily be the case.

Therefore, despite your lousy planning of the question, I will do my best to give each type of mass media a chance. The definition of "profit-driven" would probably mean that the people behind the wheel are driving towards profit, very straightforward. A "government-regulated" mass media is one that is regularly regulated by the government, very straightforward as well. The word "vibrant" is debatable - but I understand it to mean sensational, interesting and lively. This is my essay, so whoever's marking it, I have clear intentions of making that THE definition. Don't argue with me, you can't. You only can mark my essay, n00b¹.

So anyway, let us move on to what a profit-driven mass media is about. As mentioned earlier, a profit-driven mass media is driven by profit - and although you might say there's a discrepancy with what I said earlier they are essentially the same. Because either way they want money. Therefore what do they do to get money? They fabricate, they spin tales, they sensationalise the way I do to my Research Education reports in Sec 4 so that they would come out exactly how I want it to be. Well, the editors of the papers want their papers to be money-spinners, so they would obviously make their reports more appealing to the public.

However, when one observes the government-regulated paper, there would be a considerable amount of propaganda in it. Though of course we all know that propaganda is also more or less fabricated, it might not be as sensational as that of the profit-driven. After all, how bloody interesting can a government get? Governments are called to run the country, and running a country cannot be much fun. If it is, your state is doomed. And anyway for some who might argue that government-dominated papers are not always all about the government and that I'm taking too narrow a scope, you are wrong. Go read the papers and you will find that everything links back to the big boss.

An example would be something like - "Iraqi insurgent leader Zarqawi killed" - today's headlines. Now does that seem very non-governmental to you? When they mention this sort of thing, they are celebrating the achievements of the army of the United States. Who is the ally of the United States? Singapore. Or to be more precise, the Singaporean government. There you have it - it's related. Try another article, like "Thai King's 60th-year celebration kicks off". That looks relatively innocent but no, there are governmental undertones in it. We all know about the political unrest in Thailand, and the King's big celebration could possibly lead to an assassination on their side. In other words the government is trying to use the example of other countries to warn us about possible rifts in Singapore that might occur with our multi-racial society.

Okay perhaps now there isn't much problem with our secular state - but as most Singaporeans are kiasu, our government also has to be kiasu² and tell us that our safety cannot be taken for granted. Anyway the multi-racial society is something that the government is super proud of till this day, so might as well give it an extra mention in the papers. And if you haven't realised by now, one of the five principles of good governance, the concept of "forward-looking" (I don't forget my Social Studies concepts), is also practised by our local government. With the increasing numbers of bloggers today, there is higher probability of one silly racist bugger (obviously not me) waiting to incite riots through uncalled-for remarks and in turn causing unrest in our peaceful Lion City. Don't you think that sucks?

So even though the government-regulated newspapers might look to have a variety of different topics, look beyond the surface. Everything links back to the government.

Comparing both of them, the more vibrant one is obviously the one that causes more hubbub in society. To compare, the best place to go would be your local coffeeshop. The papers which the Ah Peks³ make more noise about would obviously be the more entertaining, sensational and vibrant one.

The profit-driven, sensational paper, in my opinion, will not be as widely discussed as the government-regulated paper. This is, after all, common sense. The old men at the coffeeshop, with their old ages and dirty minds, can probably conjure up more sensational stories than your cocky young journalists at the profit-driven paper. And what's more if you will take the time to read these papers, it's probably articles like "Old man caught having three mistresses in Batam" and all that trash - which means that the old men would be reading about themselves! Now who the hell goes to buy papers that more or less tells your life story? There is not much point in doing so.

In contrary to this, however, the government-regulated paper provides debate and space for argument. After all, with Singapore being dominated by a one-party government, sometimes you cannot avoid skepticism. There will surely be discontent and disgruntled Ah Peks who will kao bei⁴ the system, kao bei this and that. Hence with the introduction of government-regulated papers, I dare say that there will be more engaged conversations and lively discussions in the local coffeeshops. Since the heartlands make up the majority of our sunny island, it is important to know what is going on there. With most of them being so worked up from the government-regulated papers, there can be no doubt that it is more vibrant than your stupid local profit-making paper.

Speaking of which, since profit-making papers cannot provide us the same entertainment that the government-regulated papers can, I curse them all to close down. Well, that's also partly because we all know that newspapers controlled by the government will never close down. But that's not the point. Your governmental tabloids (oops I mean newspapers) are certainly more bloody interesting and vibrant - so there. I have discussed the topic.

--
Glossary (you must understand that there are non-Chinese GP teachers in RJ. okay in fact they are the majority so it's always good to make sure that they know what we are writing)

1. n00b - short form for "newbie". refers to someone who doesn't know much about a topic. in this case, it's you, teacher.
2. kiasu - singaporean slang for scared to lose. if you don't know this term you're not singaporean and you should be ashamed of yourself.
3. Ah Pek - old man. usually dirty-minded.
4. kao bei - figuratively to bitch about. like how we like to bitch about you (teachers). let's not delve into the literal sense of the word.

Student's note: Why do I get this feeling I'll score DAMN HIGH for GP?

Kena owned

Just last night, my mother was expressing interest at how people can make money through auctions at eBay. Like you take an item, put it on eBay, and auction it off. You must know that there are many idiots around who would be willing to pay crazy prices for crazy (and stupid) items, so she was looking to capitalise on that.

I was like err.. what are you going to sell?

Mum: Some products I can get from company. (she works part-time somewhere) Do you know how to use eBay?

Me: No but I could try. Shouldn't be that hard.

Mum: Have you used it before?

Me: Err no. I don't have use for extra money - although eBay is damn useful for selling game accounts. (slip of the tongue)

Mum: Game accounts?

Me: Ya like Maplestory or Gunbound accounts.. my friend sold a level 70 account for like $200. (which was like half a lie because that was his INTENTION. whether he really did or not I don't know)

Mum: Really.. so good?

Me: Haha ya can make a lot of money from games. So, see you should let me play more.

Mum: Can you teach me how to play.. since I'm at home the whole day, I should be able to give more time to it. Then I'll sell them on eBay.

Me: !!!

Mum: And next time at night I'm going to use the computer to play. I'm telling you now so you'd better use your time on the computer wisely.

Me: ...wtf.

Mum: What did you say?!!

Me: Err nothing nothing.

.........me and my big mouth. Had to mention gaming.

Chinese Surnames

Many people think Chinese surnames are boring traditional stuff and don't bother about them. Some people no longer have Chinese names, who knows maybe next time some people will no longer have Chinese surnames? But in line with the gahmen's huayu cool! campaign, I tell you that there is room for creativity in Chinese surnames and names.

Just the other day I went to take the French proficiency test also known as DELF, and they have the whole list of candidates on the board. So being a curious soul, I went to take a look at the names of other candidates, and lo and behold, there was light! There was someone named Sun Shine! Now i think that is a very creative use of Chinese because i assume the person has the surname 孙 and created a fusion between the chinese world and the western world by having the name Sun Shine. I think this is an idea that can be further explored. In fact, I would go as far as to say that it may make a good project.

I have several suggestions. If your surname is Tan, you can name your child Tan cos sin or Tan sin cos, which would be a perfectly mathematical name. With such a name, trigo will be a total breeze, later grow up sure become the world's greatest mathematician. The reason why Chinese have so few top mathematicians is because there is no one named Tan cos sin or Tan sin cos. It's that simple.

If your surname is Lim, then you can have an french name Un for one and I Ted for chinese name somehow, then you have a child whose potential is Unlimited.

If your surname is Lin then you can have a chinese name 一then the full name would be Lin E, or line for short, which i think is super-cool.

Yup that's all for now, it's lame enough as it is, and wtf! I just realised that lame is a possibitly for your child's name if your surname is Lam. omg.

Boring life #2

Well so after one boring yesterday, I had another boring day today.

I went to the dentist - which isn't very interesting unless you consider the stupid conversation I was having with the assistant, some old auntie who can't resist a little chat. So we were kind of talking in Mandarin.. but I'll translate it since it's more convenient.

Background knowledge: I went to postpone my appointment from 30 May to today because of CCAL Camp, and I told her over the phone. And I went late for dental today, around 10 minutes or so.

---Start of convo---

Auntie: You just came back from camp is it?

Me: ?!!

Me: I came back long ago.

Auntie: Oh really? How was it?

Me: Okay la. Wasn't too bad - there was the sun, the sea, and the jungle.

Auntie: You went into the jungle?!

Me: Ya why not?

Auntie: Safe or not? What if Indonesia there got bad people come and catch you?

Me: (amused) We went in groups, then there are also teacher instructors.

Auntie: But teachers won't know the place well. If they get lost then got bad people come then how?

Me: Err.

Auntie: Indonesia so big, got a lot of bad people.

Me: ..the teachers came before, so they should be quite experienced. Anyway we are such a big group, bad people won't dare attack us.

---End of Part One---

Now on the topic of jungles - you could say that I was kind of lying. After all, if there were big groups of terrorists, I think they would have pwned us in the jungle. This is their turf - not ours. Plus the Indonesian foliage is not something you can play around with - it's much crazier than Macritchie which is arguably Singapore's best idea of greenery.

Let me give you a rough idea. This is what NOT to expect:


You get some wide trail with a clear path demarcated, and looks damn good for running. It's kind of like Macritchie only it's not because I'm lazy to find a picture of Macritchie.

What you get for Bintan is like:


Cannot see anything + low visibility. I think they just wanted to prevent mad Cross Country idiots (like me) and psycho Canoeists (they run a hell lot too) from having their own Bintan PT in the morning. If you ask me, any form of PT on this island in the jungle will just be Pwnage Time. Go in and get pwned by wildlife. PT will be Probably Terrible.

Back to the conversation..

---Part Two---

Auntie: That's all? You go for how many days?

Me: Four.

Auntie: So you all spent four days in the jungle?

[Really.. sometimes don't know what these aunties are thinking. But then again hard to blame them - it can't be much fun sitting in a freezer they call waiting room for one whole day.]

Me: No la.. also got other activities. (then gasp realised my Chinese starting to CMI)

Auntie: Like what?

Me: Err rock-climbing.. basically climbing. Up walls and structures and stuff.

Auntie: Wa so fun ah. Not scared fall?

Me: Got safety precautions. We have.. uh, ropes. (told you Chinese really CMI)

Auntie: Oh okay.. then did you climb?

Dentist: (popping in) You can come in now.

Me: (softly) Wa heng ar..

---End of Part Two---

Basically from here I guess you know that we did some climbing, though that was for High Elements. Which brings me to the point of naming the activities. Why call it "High Elements"? I didn't know the Indonesians were so "on" about learning Chemistry - although from the campfire (where we all got bloody roasted) it was kind of evident they didn't know much about heat control. Like latent heat which also involves Fizikss but never mind.

So instead of tall structures and stuff in mind, I was thinking of something else when I read that we were going to do "High Elements".



No?

Then similarly, Low Elements would mean something like:



Not my fault if there was any misunderstanding - if there's anyone to blame, go blame RJC Chemistry Department for their constant drilling of these little tables into us. Turned out the "elements" were just random structures built for sadistic pleasure. And everything was made of wood. Tsk - what age do those Indonesians live in now, eh? Still thinking that "wood" is an element. I thought that was a thing of the past and I thought that it was part of ancient Chinese beliefs.

But ANYWAY. That's not the point. The point is that we just went around playing with these wooden structures and oh, there you go, that made up the other half of our activities in Bintan.

Sigh now that I'm back here facing the REAL elements, I can't help but think back. And by the way the dentist like totally tore my lips apart today when she carelessly decided to pull something out from my mouth using a super sharp instrument. Well my lips happened to be in the way, and after my careful choosing of colours of braces it turned out all red. What the heck - now this is what I call a waste of time.

So what do you do when you have such a boring life like this?

Go to sleep. After all from the TCS Rule - "if you find it offensive, we'll make it more offensive", we can derive that "if something is boring, let's make it more boring." zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

-------
Note: Despite all that I said, I really don't have anything against our Indonesian neighbours nor the local dentist. Because a main ingredient of talking cock is bitching, and therefore I have to focus on their 1% (okay maybe more) screwed up bit rather than the 99% of normal stuff. Ya believe it or not - I've nothing against them. Don't believe your problem.

If your life is a movie..

..would it be a good one?

If you're thinking that I'm suddenly advertising for the Navy, you have my word that I'm not. I was just thinking along those (battle?) lines and I just realised what would happen if my life was a movie. After all, what I blog is basically about my life - and already these words can already lull someone to sleep, so what movie are you talking about?

Not bored yet? Well let me tell you what I did for the past few days.

Saturday
YL felt crazy after his training so that idiot just suddenly dropped by my house without telling me. Okay he DID tell me, but only after he alighted from his bus home and he alerted me that he was bloody just underneath my block. Like WTF, this WTF (waterpolo-training fagut) suddenly come and disrupt my peaceful Saturday afternoon. What's more I had my CCA (cross-country activity) in the morning so I was feeling very tired.

But damn it, he was a guest and it was my duty to entertain guests. We had a talk cock session for two hours while we toured the neighbourhood. Now isn't that boring because talking and walking are like, normal activities. So while we walked and talked, and talked the cock, the people around us yawned as they saw how no-life we were. Now I told you my life was boring.

Sunday
Having had a week of crappp, I slept the whole day through. If you find interest in someone sleeping, I think you're weird.

Monday
Also known as today - where I went for training AGAIN. And this time I ran for one hour continuously without stopping. If you were to make my life a movie, the movie would run for one hour continuously without stopping as well and by then your nose would also probably be running continuously from the aircon in the cinema. Any benefits from that? No.

Boring? YES.

So if my life was that boring, I should stop blogging right?

WRONG!

Because I could always blog about the past. Bring you back to Bintan with its stupid toilets and world of no-flushes. If you needed a reminder of what it was like, just scroll down for some enlightenment. But then again I only spoke of the campsite and not the activities, so let me start on that now.

-------------------------

Before I left for Bintan, I had a great shock when I found out that my general knowledge was terrible. Being a great fan of the wondrous game of Gunbound, I decided to visit their site and to look out for nice little avatars to buy.. PS if you don't play Gunbound, go get a life and start playing now! Umm so anyway this is what I found.. and I got bloody shocked because I had a differing perception.




The whole thing: go enlarge if you can't see it. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll cut and paste the offending bit that like got me off my chair.




It goes: Singapore's best beach Bintan

And I'm like WHAT BINTAN IS ACTUALLY IN SINGAPORE? Damn to think I've lived so many years in ignorance! Although I was actually rather shocked about my lack of general knowledge (after all this is Gunbound of the WORLD, it HAS to be right), I was also kinda glad because I didn't have to bring my passport. You know how troublesome it is to carry these documents around.

Happily, I left for Bintan without a passport.

Turned out those idiots at Gunbound was wrong - because somehow everything over at the Bintan port was in Indon and uh, there were postcards being sold that said "Bintan, Indonesia". Like WTF then I really panicked because the customs officers looked real mean.

BUT! The extra money that I brought along with me just in case came in handy. =)

So I got past immigration without much problem and yay finally we're in Bintan.

Being involved in Founder's Day, I couldn't take part in the first activity, which was kayaking. Erm since we're on this topic, allow me to present to you a joke about kayaking from James the waterpolo vice captain.

Q: What do you say when someone tells you a lame joke on a kayak?
A: KAYAKAYAKAYAKAYAKAYAKAYAK! (that's supposed to sound like laughter)

Okay now stop laughing and back to the topic. I missed kayaking, so there is pretty much nothing to talk about it. Except that some people thought that I was some n00b who missed kayaking on purpose because I sucked at it. Well, contrary to popular belief, I do know what kayaks are and I'll post a picture of it just to prove it.



Yes so I skipped this part. Sadly. From what I heard from one of my group-mates, he was staying at the back of the pack (without his backpack because he's on the kayak duhhh!) and basically being the last man in the last kayak. So let Z be my friend and O be other kayaks (..... stands for water even though water doesn't stand ya whatever), you have:

O.....O.....O.....O
...........Z...........

(not drawn to scale)

And apparently these kayakers (represented by Os) were some n00bies, so this was what happened after a while - according to my friend. Being the last man, he was supposed to save anyone who was going to capsize. Let X be capsized kayaks.

X.....X.....X.....X
...........Z...........

He was like WTF I'M NOT SAVING ANY OF YOU because it was obvious that someone (in fact everyone) was playing the fool and I'm like WTF LUCKY NEVER COME OR I HAVE TO CAPSIZE.

Yea so that was more or less about kayaking. Since I didn't go I wouldn't know.

But now let's talk about rafting, since we're on the topic of water sports. At Singapore's best beach (I didn't know Bintan wasn't an island but only a beach), we had the luxury of a few barrels that looked remarkably like giant blue zammable cans. As well as a few lame sticks so we could construct our raft.

Our group was l33t and did it in record time. Here's the blueprint, after all since the barrels were blue it's only right that I give you a BLUEprint. Okay not funny. There's no colour in the picture but I'm very proud of my group's design anyway.



It looks damn simple here but I can assure you building a raft is more difficult than it looks. Just look at all the sophistication and all the advanced technology required - I think I shall become an assistant architect (because I didn't do the design duh) after I pursue my career in music and in rearing chickens at some mountaintop.

And umm there you go. That was two activities that we did in Bintan - which is arguably more exciting than what I do in Singapore. Okay granted I didn't give much description of it but well our raft just pwned the other groups because THEY COULDN'T EVEN GET THEIR RAFT OUT TO SEA.

Man, how I miss life back there. And at least I don't have to blog about my daily trash haha.

There's more to come, naturally. You don't think I spent four days there for nothing right. So stay tuned - tomorrow there will be other activities.

Are you a true camper?

You might think this post is some random crap but nooo it's just a lag post about the CCAL Camp. Now I must admit I have little knowledge of the great outdoors, though some others might argue that no matter where your position is, you are always outside doors.

Hmm actually that's a good point. Well let's just say that I have little knowledge about camping out then. After four days in Bintan, Indonesia, I am perhaps slightly better off than before. If there's anyone out there who thinks that he knows a lot about campsites and stuff, well you should read this.

Presenting to you CampABLE in Bintan, Indonesia!

Yes that was the name of our campsite - which I find it stupid because contrary to what their name suggests, "campABLE" is a pretty much uncampable ground. This is because 1) it is susceptible to rain and the tents get flooded (which sucks, campsites should be rainproof), 2) there are roots all over the place and one might get a twisted ankle easily should he/she be careless and 3) they have PATHETIC facilities.

Today I will be talking briefly on points 1 and 2 and further expounding on point 3. Of course it's good to let some Singaporean brats have a taste of suffering the problems faced by our poor Indonesian counterparts but the hygiene was terrible. Are we going to learn things through poor hygiene? I say noooooo... but then again that only proves that I'm behaving more and more like a Singaporean brat so yes I admit I deserve that treatment. Still, now that I'm back, it doesn't mean I can't blog about it aha!

POINT 1: SUSCEPTIBILITY TO RAIN
Now I'm sure you'd all have seen rain before so I'm not going to include a picture here. If you still don't know what is rain like, go stare out of your window until you see water falling from the sky and maybe you'll have your answer. Alternatively, you could go to http://sg.yahoo.com and search under "Pictures" - Rain - Ar, eh, ai, en, that's how you spell "rain". Then you'd have lots of images there and if you STILL don't get what is rain, you'll never get it so just quit it will you.

Basically, rain does not go well with tents. Especially if you are going to sleep inside the tent. Well unfortunately it rained while we were in Bintan and so our tents got affected (ie FLOODED DAMN IT). This can only prove that 1) our pitching of the tents sucks, 2) it rained real heavy or 3) both. Still, since everyone's tent got flooded I figured it's probably due to the weather. My point is that we came to CCAL Camp to learn about Kouzes-Posner leadership (ya righttttt), not to get our tent flooded and catch the common cold.

Therefore if they could not provide us with excellent conducive study areas like the hotel rooms in the resort opposite the campsite, the least they could do is stop the rain. Or they jolly well go build a roof on top of the whole campsite. I know it's not easy, but it's not easy sleeping in water either. Now if anyone's going to bring up the idea of the water-bed, let me remind you that the water is IN the bed, not forming the bed.

So there. CampABLE and its bad non-rainproof system.

POINT 2: ROOTS
Well taking the ground to be the x-axis and taking the tree roots to be, well, roots, I think there are plenty of intersections. It's as if the graph plotted has powers of 124863572 or 248233156 or 87607922356, or better known as infinity. These sneaky devices planted on the ground serves to trip you and damage your ankles seriously. Having an ankle problem before, I declare CampABLE a dangerous ground to stay in because of the treacherous terrain. What's more the PE Department doesn't make it easier by making mother-big tentages in the middle of nowhere, and when you have big tents you get ropes all over the place.

Which yet again, aids in tripping people up. After making this long trip to Bintan, I think it's too much of them to expect us to trip again. Thus it's most certainly unreasonable to ask us to camp here where every damn thing's so trippable. Speaking of which, I think CampABLE can change its name to many other things with the same suffix -ABLE: perhaps like tripp-ABLE, flood-ABLE, dirty-ABLE, etc.

I figure you might be sick of my ranting so I'll move on to my diagrams.

POINT 3: CAMP FACILITIES
The most important and basic function of a human is to use the toilet. Don't try to dispute that because you know you can't live without a toilet for a day. (Actually you can but you'll have to pee behind rocks which is highly disturbing and you can't shower there so you get my drift.)

So basically - I was looking forward to having nice little toilets at the camp. After all with such crappy places to sleep in and to eat in, one might think that we deserve at least nice places to relieve ourselves right?

WRONG. Oh very WRONG.

There was a toilet briefing on the first day of camp and I almost forgone my dinner after that. Since I had such a bad experience, let me share it with you by illustrating the situation there. I promise you that this is nothing but the truth.



Just imagine. Dirty blue tiles all over the floor, then when you open the door to the cubicle.. you get the shit that is above. Now I admit I might use the word "shit" a little too freely, but you could take it in the literal sense. Some inconsiderate bugger who decides not to flush (ie pour water into the toilet bowl) will kill your appetite easily.

Oh and what's more the camp commandant didn't allow shoes in the toilet. Means if the inconsiderate bugger were to be slightly more inconsiderate and does his business outside the cubicle..

Just think about it. Since the toilet is so damn dirty anyway, how much more dirt can we bring in by wearing our shoes? Okay granted we might bring sand/mud in from outside, but would you rather step on things that come from inside your body or things that come from outside the body?

I'm being disgusting here. Bear with me for a while. Thankfully for you, you've got an Alt-F4 to put an end to this misery. Me? The only Alt-F4 I had was to mutter F for 4 bloody days that seemed like eternity. Especially when I needed the toilet. Ughhhhhhh!

Anyway moving on, the next picture shows your intelligent Indonesian architecture:


There's this bloody big door for dunno what purpose and uh, the showers were right behind it. I think the picture says it all. The cubicles were to the right and I tended to avoid it as far as I could, which meant that I usually shower more than anything. Of course, I usually took the showers on the furthest left to avoid the smell. Basically you just have to know that the toilet was some haven for dung beetles and gays.

Tsk just look at the communal showers. Enough to make your mama's boy cry and say "I don't wannnnnnnna batheeeee!" By the way the changing area is also near the door, which is quite what the heck. The door is also rather wide, around the size of like two Moses Lims. Meaning if a few girls happen to pass by the door while you're changing up for the next activity it's GG and 有目共睹 for all of them.

Plus when you see the communal showers you must also consider that PE teachers shower that. Imagine showering with your PE teacher. That's just. WRONG!

Now you think you have what it takes to be a camper? First you try bearing the stench of the no-flush system (because frankly who bothers with flushing), and next you try showering next to your PE teacher. Oh and not to mention you have to deal with lizard shit all over the place.

Okay so after all these questioning, I figure you must be tired of hearing the nonsense required to become a top-notch camper at CampABLE. So I'm going to dedicate a special picture for our loyal readers of TCS. A picture of BATH-TIME at the camp whoooooooo!

Given my excellent photographic memory and my sketching skills, I am able to provide you with a comprehensive sketch of what's it like.

Here goes:


Yep so hope you enjoyed the CampABLE special on TCS. Damn it, during the camp when I thought of TCS, I was like thinking of adding a "YA" behind the TCS to make TCSYA - Toilets Can Steal Your Appetite. If you do come to this camp one day (like if you are some super sadistic idiot who wants to torture yourself), tell me what I've reported is true.

Sigh - perhaps the best type of campers are those in soccer.

(PS All that I've reported applies strictly and only to the boys' toilets of the camp because quite obviously, I haven't been to the girls' one and have no desire to do so. Although it might be very different from our trash, I seriously doubt it very much. I don't know if they've got that big door and showers behind it but just take my word for it that YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW!)

O-kayyyy

Just to let you know, the local idiot on TCS will be doing Orientation for the J1s next year!

O-kayyyyyy so I'm g-o-ing t-o have l-o-ts o-f fun o-rganising it!!!!!!!

Anyway apologies for not blogging these few days.. I've had two full days in school so there wasn't much time to do anything. BUT tomorrow you will have a sneak preview of what we did in Bintan for CCAL Camp. And lots of exciting pictures/diagrams done by me using the wonderful program of Paint will be on exhibition as well!

So you should not only stay tuned, but stay online!

Yep so see you tomorrow. Once again sorry for the lack of posts! But since it's the holidays we'll be back!

Still before I leave I'll give you a short article (written by myself).

-------
Short report on Orientation OGL pairing

Due to our extensive reading on GP packages about homosexuality and gender stereotypes, we have decided to apply this to our OGL pairing as well. Although traditionally the OGL has to be one male and one female, we must accept that society is changing and homosexuality is becoming more rampant now. As part of the RJC motto "Thinkers, Leaders, Pioneers" (or TLP for short, which in turn could stand for many other things ahem) - we have to learn to be flexible and adaptable to changes around us.

And in learning flexibility and adaptability, we become pioneers. The O-team 07 OGL pairing i/cs, which consists of an idiot who goes by the initials of WSX and myself (another idiot), have decided that we would start a new trend and allow male-male or female-female pairings. The exciting piece of news is said to excite homosexuals in the Council but some others have expressed regret and disgust at this new movement.

We did a short survey about our plan, and the responses were as follows:
(names not given to protect identity)

"I'M SURE!!! YOU FAGUTS."

"Okay then I pair with you." (said from another guy)

"..." (with shocked look of expression)

"Wa lau you're damn screwed up la."

"What the hell lor."

Hmm looks like this movement of possible same-sex OGL pairing isn't very popular - but then as firm, strong leaders of the RJC population, we must learn to stick to unpopular decisions because we believe it's for the good of the people. Therefore if you have a problem, I suggest you stop bitching about it and accept the New Age Homosexual Society.

Judging by the responses of the councillors' faces, I'm guessing they DO want to bitch.

But since I judged responses, that would make me a judge.

Sorry man - judges' decisions are final and any appeals will not be entertained.

Though I will be glad to entertain if you ask nicely. - TCS

(article end.)

I believe that every word of Da Vinci code is true. And so should you

Hi people, I've got a big secret to confess to all of you.

All of you were wrong when you said that Leonardo da Vinci did not mean to tell us all those things about Mary Magdalene being married to Jesus and that the holy grail is a womb through his wonderful paintings.

Because Leonardo did mean to tell us all those things. I'm very sure of that.

But that does not mean that all those things were true.

Because Leonardo was talking cock.

He was a grand master of talkcocksummit from 1460-1519.

At that time, blogs weren't in fashion, paintings were. And he sure made tcs proud.

When yj said that tcs started last year in august, he meant the online section. The real history of tcs goes way back to the beginning of man himself.

We are the 102nd generation of a long line of grand masters at tcs.

One day we hope to climb a new mountain and name its peak talk cock summit. Or hopefully one of you can do it for us :)

Holland has won the world cup!

I know the world cup has yet to kick off, but I can't wait to share this piece of exciting news with you people out there! Holland has won the 2006 World Cup!

Last night, it was all dark. I was lying on my bed trying hard to fall asleep. And then, through the darkness, I saw the light. It was a narrow tunnel of bright white light, so shimmery that i could hardly open my eyes. And then a voice said in a serious tone," Holland has won the World Cup" and I saw the image of Ruud van Nistelrooy lifting the Jules Rimet trophy.

Everyone knows that the voices of dreams are to be trusted, so hurry up and head down to the nearest betting booth to place your bets now. If you don't want the free money it's your loss.

In fact, there is no way that Holland doesn't win the World Cup. The omens and signs and whatever shit are all there. For those thick-headed among you who still do not believe me, I give you more evidence.





















Take a good look at this picture.Whats the dominating colour? Orange. What's the colour of the national team of Holland? Orange. They're not called the Oranje for nothing. Further evidence:


What does this picture shows? It shows some Dutch player kicking Michael Ballack's ass. Dutch players are going to kick everyone's ass, and you'd better believe me.

All the matches have been fixed liao, by some mafia, and they've decided that Holland should win the World Cup since they've never won it before.

Actually the gangs wanted Angola, because the odds were the highest, but then it would have been too obvious it's all kelong, like last time the Greece win the Euro like that. But Greek fairytale sounds ok, while Angolan fairytale sounds plain weird. Maybe next time it's Saudi Arabia's turn. But they took the most pity with Holland, because now got global warming, causing the water levels to rise, and Holland is a low-lying country, next time World Cup don't know whether it's still around or not. So for Germany 2006, the World Cup winner is HOLLAND!

Damn the spam

What the heck. I just came back from Bintan (okay it's actually been a few hours) and my return to technology (teknologi) thus far has been rather disappointing. Here's why:

1) YL didn't blog today, which means I have to do it now at such an unearthly hour. (P.S. I had more time to sleep at the camp than in Singapore, damn it.)

2) My mailbox kena spammed, which wasn't much of a surprise. But you know how irritating it is to see one whole boxful of rubbish sometimes.

3) From point 2, I HAD a boxful of rubbish. Or at least, this one was. Today's post is just to condemn a silly chain letters that I received.

Anything in bold is my personal comment to it. Anything in normal font is the letter's f**ing rubbish. Here goes this shit:

---------------------------------------------------

This is without a doubt one of the nicest forwards I have received. Hope it works for you -- and me!
This doesn't make any sense and it's just darn gay. You DO NOT receive nicest forwards. Nice forwards are perhaps people like Michael Owen who seldom gets yellow cards in their whole playing career. Nice forwards play soccer, they do not go into your email.

You have 6 minutes
Why SIX? Why not five, why not seven, why not eight?

There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious.
Any advice governed by laws of superstition is not proper advice. It's bullshit and it's trash pulled out from nowhere, I'll have you know.

This has been sent To you from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so Far.
Firstly, I do not know Who The Shit is Anthony Robbins and I'm quite sure I Do Not Want To Find Out. Secondly, How The Hell are you supposed to know how many times it's been sent round the world. It's a bloody email, not something tangible. So their logic holds no water. Anthony Robbins is a wanker.

Do not keep this message.
You are so damn right I'm not keeping this message. I'm gonna bloody post it on my blog.

It must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.
It's not in my hands, it's in my mailbox. And since you're warning me that I'm getting an unpleasant surprise, it wouldn't be a surprise any longer. All that threatening you (ie the chain letter) are giving me is making me laugh at you. You sound like some sick despo ahahaha.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
How would I know what they expect?! So if they come expecting a slap, I'll just give them a full-body drubbing while grinning widely?

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
Stating the obvious. But this is a bloody discriminating fact because it's like saying you can't marry mutes. Which is so insensitive to them - are they not human as well?

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
I agree with the first part "don't believe all you hear". "Spend all you have" is just fking rubbish meant for people who want to become bankrupt. The last bit "sleep all you want" is finally some sense.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
-.-" That's SO cliché.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
Then give him a black one.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
It contradicts the next point or it doesn't go hand-in-hand with it at least.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
There is no such thing as love as first sight. Love only comes when you understand a person - and before you accuse me of talking cock, go open your "No Ap0logies" booklet. Anything at first sight is either lust or infatuation. So there, stupid Anthony boy.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
People who dream too much fail Chem test. I am a living example. No wait, I'm a dreaming example. And just because I might laugh at someone else's dream doesn't mean I don't dream myself.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
The only way to live life completely is to get hurt? This is suddenly starting to sound sadomasochistic (or whatever that long word is) and sadistic and just WRONG. I'm not particularly excited to receive cult newsletters in my Inbox.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
So you can punch and kick but you cannot use words? That's dumb.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
This is getting funny because of the stupid words "judge" and "relatives" but it's an inside joke. And this is relatively more sensible compared to the rest. Though it hardly makes much sense.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
You'll end up like a certain Mr CKM, who is a big shot in charge of boarding. Name is censored to protect identity. Though of course one might dispute the fact that he even thinks.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
There shouldn't be any set way to reject a question. There are always more viable alternatives like 1) lying, 2) crapping and 3) saying "f**k off".

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Remember that great crappers must have great inboxes with great bullshit in them.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
This is sensible, but it's common sense. And whether you say it or not really makes no difference to the person unless he's some New Age Sensitive Guy like Anthony Robbins.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson .
What The Hell. LOSING IS LOSING.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
What about R for Raffles? The stupid first two Rs are essentially the same since they all mean respect.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
It's not our choice. If only we can "let" it hurt our friendship. -.-"

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
That's bad spelling (the "realise" is spelt the silly American way) and perhaps now I'm finding out why these facts are so bloody stupid.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
YOU TRY SMILING AND TALKING LA!

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
That's fking stupid. Who doesn't spend time alone obviously doesn't sleep.

Now, here's the FUN part!
Is forwarding nonsense very fun? I doubt it.

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
..only proving that it's your average chain letter, only with VERY LOUSY content.

1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
If it does, it's because of me.

5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
If it does, it's because of me.

9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks
LOL that's NEVER going to happen, Anthony Robbins you retard! You don't play the mathematics of probability with me, I have more sense than believing your shit.

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. Do not keep this message.
Any backstabber could reach for my hand and touch my heart. And nobody in his right mind will keep this message. Please, it's so dumb that I bet it's either 1) a blonde or 2) an American or 3) both who wrote it. Your facts are fallacious or unclear, or either that I just don't like the stupid shit you have typed. Basically I dislike chain letters, and I dislike them even more when they make no sense.

So that's why I'm making it known to the world - don't send me unnecessary emails. I hate getting spammed by nonsense okay.

---------------------------------------------------

Now you might be asking "what's your dai ji" when you read the somewhat powerful insults that I use against a chain letter (okay makes me sound stupid). My problem is the unnecessary space taken up by this trash.

And anyway, I'm getting tired. So all you have to know is that Anthony Robbins is a damn wanker and YL should post more often. Now I'm looking forward to sleeping in a nice aircon room with a nice warm bed (contradictory) with no mosquitoes trying to sip YJ juice aka blood.

So in the process of forward-looking, I'll leave you to ponder about the stupidity of this post. Bye.

Happy Holidays!

Here I am again, thinking carefully about what to blog about. And the reason i have so much time to ponder over this is because the holidays are here. Woohoo! But is it only me who realises that the word 'holidays' is such a contradiction? The good thing is that you don't have to go to school. But the bad thing is that the coach thinks it's a good time to increase the number of trainings and the horrifying shadow of the common tests looms. I'm running out of things to say about the holidays without it descending into yet another full-of-shit guide, so I shall tell you people a story. A horror story. A really scary horror story. That combines all your darkest fears and insecurities.

let X be you

Here goes:

This is the tragic story of X. The June holidays are here! Cheers! One month of kickass freedom. But common tests is in the last week of June. X knows deep within that X should start studying. Eventually, he decides that he needs to study during the holidays. But when does X actually start? Right after all the movies, nights out, trainings, playing computer games, feasting on snacks and surfing senseless blogs(tcs is excluded). How is it possible that someone so bent on studying not study? Witness this monologue.

good side: It's time to stop playing and study!
bad side: Aiyah, never mind, can study tomorrow.
good side: How do you know there'll be a tomorrow?
bad side: I don't know, but if the world is ending before tomorrow, I study for fuck?

The dark side always wins. So X ends up studying only on the day before the common tests. But miracles happen, and he finished studying everything on that day partly because X is a genius. But tragedies happen too, and throughout all the papers, X's mind went blank, for unknown reasons. Imagine that you've forgotten everything that you've studied. So he failed all his common tests. After failing everything,X couldn't take any h3 subject, which was what X had always wanted to do. Then, X lost confidence in himself, saying, "I've studied everything. There's nothing more that i can do" and ended up failing his promos as well. X couldn't stand the shame of being retained, so he quit the school and...to be continued by yourself because I'm too godamn lazy.

but isn't it scary?