Freakonomics is a book about statistics, and the most interesting deduction it made that stayed in my mind was that lower crime rates were due to the enactment of the right to abort some time back, and the author makes use of statistics to prove that point. He links seemingly non-related stuff to prove that they actually might have causal effects on each other. So i found that case interesting, but it's a pity the rest of the book was such a snore. Freakonomiczzz.
So if i extrapolate that concept, here goes, let's say you're a guy, you're in a public toilet and there's a queue for the urinals. Whether there's a queue or not would seem to have no effect on the amount of time each guy takes. But if you actually stood there and recorded down the time taken, it would probably be faster when there's a queue. Cos who would relish the feeling of someone breathing down their necks while their private parts are public parts? Perhaps with the exception of gays, and even then, very perverted gays. So the emphasis would be to be done as quickly as possible without wetting the pants.
I'm not really sure what relevance the previous paragraph had, but if you've read it, thanks for your patience. Crap aside, we've come to the gist of this post, which is that i've thought of a new economic indicator. There's always doubt as to when the economy is really recovering and when we should invest in stocks, and this is where my indicator is a reliable gauge. You simply have to count the number of people who buy Toto and 4D everyday. The greater the number of people, the worse the recession. Don't believe me? See for yourself, it's a recession now, and you don't see the crowds at singaporepools thinning. In fact, hope springs eternal, so the more desperate the people, the more Toto and 4D they buy. Probability of striking Toto when you buy one combination is 1 out of 8145060 and 1 out of 10000 for 4D for your information. You'd have to be pretty lucky to strike Toto, less so for 4D. Or you could try your luck in another way. Wait for the 10million jackpot, buy all 8145060 combinations, and hope that no one strikes too. Though going by history, that is quite impossible. Somehow, human nature has it that the more desperate the person, the more he will resort to things with low probability of success (getting away with robbing a bank, buying big sweep) Back to the economic indicator, you can plot a graph using the data that you have amassed standing outside singapore pools outlets, preferably with graphmatica, free software for schoolkids. The number of people placing bets is expected to increase with the deterioration of the economy, so when the human traffic falls, be ready to buy some stocks because a market recovery is just around the corner. But as they say, trading is a hard way to make an easy buck.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Mobile TV Rockz My Sockz!
Seen the advertisement on mobile tv that starts with a sneeze, another sneeze and then warns the public on the dangers of flu? Well i sneezed for real just after the moment that dude on tv does, right into the funky hairdo of the chick sitting in front of me. whoops. She turned around and stared at me with daggers in her eyes, wanting to kill me, and so i took the opportunity to sneeze a second time, a gigantic 'AH-CHOO' right into her bitchy face. And then i gave her my don't-give-me-your-flu look. What a day.
Friday, March 06, 2009
DC: WHAT WOULD HITLER DO (WWHD) IF HE WAS PRESIDENT: A FINAL RESOLUTION TO THE OBESITY (FAT) PROBLEM
A Background
According to the US National Institutes of Health, 66% of all US adults are overweight or obese; 31.4% of all US adults are obese. That comrades, mean that 1 in 3 people you meet on the streets of America looks like this:
And out of the remaining 2, 1 will look like this:
Of course, people resembling exhibit A do not usually appear on the streets because it’s such a damn difficult task for them to walk, but NIH stats are NIH stats.
WWHD
Now, imagine if a Mad Scientist miraculously resurrected Herr Adolf and put him in charge of the United States; what would he think?
And more importantly, what would he do?
Let’s take a look:
1. Make soap.
It was widely believed that the Nazis made soap from Jewish bodies during the War, but this has been officially denied by both Germans and Jews. Maybe human fat was just unsuitable for soap production, or perhaps the concentration camps and forced labour burned off all the fats and there were none left. If it was the latter, then the problem has now been resolved, and a brand new industry is ready to take flight.
2. Execute invalids.
"This person suffering from hereditary defects costs the community 60,000 Reichsmark during his lifetime. Fellow German, that is your money, too."
The NIH estimates the cost of obesity to be $117 bn. That comrades, is USD 1.17 x 1011. Fellow Americans, that is your money, too.
3. Ban fattening foods.
According to a 10-things-you-didn’t-know-about-Hitler site, Hitler did this with one of his girlfriends:
She killed herself after being actively pursued by Hitler. He was grief stricken, and felt compelled to attend the autopsy. Afterwards, he refused to eat meat, and took every opportunity to ruin meat for others. He would often make jokes about preparing a pudding made from his blood, and called beef broth "corpse tea"
And allegedly, Hitler regularly ate up to two pounds of chocolate a day, in addition to pastries and hot chocolate with copious amounts of whipped cream. He generally took his tea with seven
teaspoons of sugar, and Ernst Hanfstaengl once witnessed Hitler adding spoonfuls of sugar to a glass of red wine.
Given the tendency demonstrated in excerpt 1 and the habit in excerpt 2, it would be no surprise if he outright banned soda, whipped cream, whoppers, nachos, etc, etc. and prohibited the sale of food to individuals over a certain BMI. This should instigate a massive lobbying campaign from major F&B industry players, but the SS is really good at negotiating quick, quiet and peaceful resolutions to such problems, especially if the CEO was a Jew, so it’s A-OK.
4. Sabotage the enemy.
Obesity is a debilitating affliction. Allegedly, 16% of US army men are obese and obesity is the top cause of discharge of soldiers from service. If a weapon could be developed that made all the enemy fat, any war could then be easily won!
-dc
According to the US National Institutes of Health, 66% of all US adults are overweight or obese; 31.4% of all US adults are obese. That comrades, mean that 1 in 3 people you meet on the streets of America looks like this:
And out of the remaining 2, 1 will look like this:
Of course, people resembling exhibit A do not usually appear on the streets because it’s such a damn difficult task for them to walk, but NIH stats are NIH stats.
WWHD
Now, imagine if a Mad Scientist miraculously resurrected Herr Adolf and put him in charge of the United States; what would he think?
And more importantly, what would he do?
Let’s take a look:
1. Make soap.
It was widely believed that the Nazis made soap from Jewish bodies during the War, but this has been officially denied by both Germans and Jews. Maybe human fat was just unsuitable for soap production, or perhaps the concentration camps and forced labour burned off all the fats and there were none left. If it was the latter, then the problem has now been resolved, and a brand new industry is ready to take flight.
2. Execute invalids.
"This person suffering from hereditary defects costs the community 60,000 Reichsmark during his lifetime. Fellow German, that is your money, too."
The NIH estimates the cost of obesity to be $117 bn. That comrades, is USD 1.17 x 1011. Fellow Americans, that is your money, too.
3. Ban fattening foods.
According to a 10-things-you-didn’t-know-about-Hitler site, Hitler did this with one of his girlfriends:
She killed herself after being actively pursued by Hitler. He was grief stricken, and felt compelled to attend the autopsy. Afterwards, he refused to eat meat, and took every opportunity to ruin meat for others. He would often make jokes about preparing a pudding made from his blood, and called beef broth "corpse tea"
And allegedly, Hitler regularly ate up to two pounds of chocolate a day, in addition to pastries and hot chocolate with copious amounts of whipped cream. He generally took his tea with seven
teaspoons of sugar, and Ernst Hanfstaengl once witnessed Hitler adding spoonfuls of sugar to a glass of red wine.
Given the tendency demonstrated in excerpt 1 and the habit in excerpt 2, it would be no surprise if he outright banned soda, whipped cream, whoppers, nachos, etc, etc. and prohibited the sale of food to individuals over a certain BMI. This should instigate a massive lobbying campaign from major F&B industry players, but the SS is really good at negotiating quick, quiet and peaceful resolutions to such problems, especially if the CEO was a Jew, so it’s A-OK.
4. Sabotage the enemy.
Obesity is a debilitating affliction. Allegedly, 16% of US army men are obese and obesity is the top cause of discharge of soldiers from service. If a weapon could be developed that made all the enemy fat, any war could then be easily won!
-dc
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Article Review (from The Sun)
It's that time of the year again, when I feel very politician-like. This gives me a need to comment on some social issues. You see, there aren't any elections going around, so perhaps that explains why I feel that way.
The Sun (go wiki it yourself lazy bitch) is a British paper more known for its page 3 than anything else. But a good friend of mine brought to my attention about this 13-year-old father and it seemed very amusing. After all some people only mature at 13, and in fact that could have well been the case.
I was enraptured by this little crazy bastard. The starting went something like this:
The link is http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece, go have a read before you continue otherwise it wouldn't make any sense. Either way if you don't that's okay because I'm going to quote some really good ones from there.
But you should have a look at the picture. The girl is rather ugly in my opinion so who in the right mind would want to have underage sex with her. That's an unnecessary risk for an unnecessary girl. Though of course they can't charge the boy because he's underage too. What the heck.
Oh wait, but maybe under British law they aren't underage. This however doesn't change the fact that their minister does not condone it.
If that should happen in Singapore and if I were a minister I would be more like, "Encouraging parenthood at an early age will better equip modern-day teenagers with skills they could use in the future. Also as it solves our growing population problems, I don't really see it as a problem. In fact young enterprising parents should be given bonuses for the kind act of delivering lives unto this world."
By having kids at 13 and assuming your child has similar genes, it means one can be a grandparent by the age of 26. Then you can 共享天伦。(enjoy familial ties) And speaking of which if this goes on you could be a great-great-great-grandparent by the age of 65 and that would truly bring out the meaning in 传宗接代。What's not to like about that?
And there won't be worries of having an ageing population. Oh no, I think young Alfie Patten has just found the solution to our "greying population" miles and miles away. Some might argue that the economic crisis has made it more difficult to raise kids, but if you ask me is your money or your family more important?
Money = Gone when you're dead
Family = Generations to come even after you're dead
So I would suggest that if you're already past the age of 13 and all grown-up, it's not too late to make a positive difference to the lives of young Singaporeans. Teach your children the value of sex early, and the moment they teeter on the brink of their teenage years you can get them to screw the neighbour. "Love thy neighbour", did they not say?
And poof, many many generations to come!
Nevertheless the article ends with an anti-climax, like wtf because:
Britain’s youngest known father is Sean Stewart. He became a dad at 12 when the girl next door, 15-year-old Emma Webster, gave birth in Sharnbrook, Bedford, in 1998. They split six months later.
Now this is a fricking joke gone bad because that increases the chance the kid would grow crazy due to his broken family. And by the way I do hope this Emma Webster looks at least similar to Emma Watson or otherwise it might be another case of young boys screwing ugly young girls because they want to explore the birds and the bees.
But all that said, I was still compelled to find out what had driven this little boy to do such an outrageous act. I mean, even though it's not necessarily a bad thing, it remains a very rarely-seen thing and it's one of the more extreme cases of the world. Needless to say I got the answer through careful inspection of the article.
Here it is:
Well, no f**king wonder, then.
The Sun (go wiki it yourself lazy bitch) is a British paper more known for its page 3 than anything else. But a good friend of mine brought to my attention about this 13-year-old father and it seemed very amusing. After all some people only mature at 13, and in fact that could have well been the case.
I was enraptured by this little crazy bastard. The starting went something like this:
BOY dad Alfie Patten yesterday admitted he does not know how much nappies cost — but said: “I think it’s a lot.”
Sounds like a typical quote you could get from a normal dumb jock American. But this reply is more classic than saying Singapore is in China, because at least that's an attempt to smoke - but this is displaying open stupidity.The link is http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece, go have a read before you continue otherwise it wouldn't make any sense. Either way if you don't that's okay because I'm going to quote some really good ones from there.
But you should have a look at the picture. The girl is rather ugly in my opinion so who in the right mind would want to have underage sex with her. That's an unnecessary risk for an unnecessary girl. Though of course they can't charge the boy because he's underage too. What the heck.
Oh wait, but maybe under British law they aren't underage. This however doesn't change the fact that their minister does not condone it.
Alfie's story, broken exclusively by The Sun today has sparked a huge political storm with Tory leader David Cameron saying: "When I saw these pictures this morning, I just thought how worrying that in Britain today children are having children.
"I hope that somehow these children grow up into responsible parents but the truth is parenthood is just not something they should be thinking about right now."
"Children are having children" - I like that. But the British minister is some spoilsport. Who says a 13-year-old cannot be responsible? After all life is a learning process and in certain instances you have to be thrown into the deep end to learn. So how is that worrying?If that should happen in Singapore and if I were a minister I would be more like, "Encouraging parenthood at an early age will better equip modern-day teenagers with skills they could use in the future. Also as it solves our growing population problems, I don't really see it as a problem. In fact young enterprising parents should be given bonuses for the kind act of delivering lives unto this world."
By having kids at 13 and assuming your child has similar genes, it means one can be a grandparent by the age of 26. Then you can 共享天伦。(enjoy familial ties) And speaking of which if this goes on you could be a great-great-great-grandparent by the age of 65 and that would truly bring out the meaning in 传宗接代。What's not to like about that?
And there won't be worries of having an ageing population. Oh no, I think young Alfie Patten has just found the solution to our "greying population" miles and miles away. Some might argue that the economic crisis has made it more difficult to raise kids, but if you ask me is your money or your family more important?
Money = Gone when you're dead
Family = Generations to come even after you're dead
So I would suggest that if you're already past the age of 13 and all grown-up, it's not too late to make a positive difference to the lives of young Singaporeans. Teach your children the value of sex early, and the moment they teeter on the brink of their teenage years you can get them to screw the neighbour. "Love thy neighbour", did they not say?
And poof, many many generations to come!
Nevertheless the article ends with an anti-climax, like wtf because:
Britain’s youngest known father is Sean Stewart. He became a dad at 12 when the girl next door, 15-year-old Emma Webster, gave birth in Sharnbrook, Bedford, in 1998. They split six months later.
Now this is a fricking joke gone bad because that increases the chance the kid would grow crazy due to his broken family. And by the way I do hope this Emma Webster looks at least similar to Emma Watson or otherwise it might be another case of young boys screwing ugly young girls because they want to explore the birds and the bees.
But all that said, I was still compelled to find out what had driven this little boy to do such an outrageous act. I mean, even though it's not necessarily a bad thing, it remains a very rarely-seen thing and it's one of the more extreme cases of the world. Needless to say I got the answer through careful inspection of the article.
Here it is:
Dennis, who works for a vehicle recovery firm, described Alfie as “a typical 13-year-old boy”.
He said: “He loves computer games, boxing and Manchester United.”Well, no f**king wonder, then.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
dc : The Meaning of Life
Think about it: what on earth do we (no pun) mean by the meaning of life? A symbol has a meaning; a sentence has a meaning, but life? The fact is, ‘meaning’ is not an attribute something like ‘life’ can possess. Indeed, the question is akin to asking: what is the meaning of an orange?
Many claim to know an answer to this ubiquitous question, but they are mistaken. ‘Love thy neighbor’ is not the meaning of life; ‘be happy’ is not the meaning of life. These are directions on how to live your life, not its intrinsic meaning. “Step on the gas and control the wheel” and “just floor it” are how to drive a car, not the meanings of a car. You may think, “Wtf is a meaning of a car!?” I could ask you the same about life.
Contributed by dc (because we're lazy)
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
The most wonderful ideas come out of the toilet bowl
It occurred to me that the ideas that I have that i find the most interesting, almost invariably comes when i'm doing something mundane. Such as studying for the A levels. Or pushing paperwork. Or, as the title of this entry suggests, sitting in the toilet. In fact, the existence of this blog itself might have to thank some common test. And it's probably during one of these zen-like sessions that I came up with the following observations that are often taken for granted, in our everyday lives and concluded that our lives simply don't make sense.
Have you ever wondered why they don't bother building a fence around HDB estates? It's cos we're poor, nothing much to steal. We pity the poor no-lifer who has to steal from HDB occupants. We might even give away some stuff to you, and then say hi to you when we meet again in the Toto queue!
Moving on, have you ever wondered why there's a fence around condominiums? Cos there's stuff to steal. Lounge chairs, gym equipment, table tennis tables, even pool tables. Or you could use detergent and wash clothes in the condo swimming pool, since nowadays water very expensive and wash clothes need a lot a lot of water.
So, why are the fences around landed properties usually so low?
Requires a bit more brainpower, but that's obviously because they have so much that they know you can't possibly take enough to to hurt them in any significant way. In other words, burglars, please help yourselves. Thinking for the burglar, I would think that it's very labour-intensive to keep carting furniture to the hideaway. The logistics involved (getaway lorry) would be much of a headache, which is rather unnecessary as we shall see. The 3G (3rd generation) burglar will scale the wall with a high-resolution handycam in hand. He proceeds to take videos of the occupants in sex positions at night. And if the shooting angle is wrong or some cock-up (wah punz) such that he needs a reshoot, he can just shout, "EH CB CAN DO IT PROPERLY OR NOT!", and siam for a while. The involved occupants may be startled and may go around looking for the burglar, but they won't find him la, if he knows how to camouflage properly. If he don't know means he chaokeng during ns. So after a futile search, the occupants (actually might as well call them pornstars) will go back to their room uneasily. But that's not the end of the story, cos according to an expert (lazy so i only find one)
http://www.counterpunch.org/block10292005.html, sex and fear seem to go hand in hand, so all the fear will make them do it again and the burglar can then climb out and do a reshoot. Then the burglar tries to sell the saucy video back to the participants. Some people call it blackmail. whatever. If the people buy it, it's a win-win situation, because otherwise, the burglar wouldn't get anything except police arrests if they post it online. Who else would want to see it anyway?
Another thing about modern society is how much we waste energy. I don't mean all of us should take on the big projects like Al Gore's movie that don't really help much, in fact i think it makes the matter worse. We should seek to understand why people today:
a) run on the treadmill, but drive for the shortest distances
and then complain that cars pollute the earth
b) Lift weights, but abhor manual labour
With such contribution to the world, it's no wonder the earth is in such a sorry state
This almost makes me want to invent foot-powered wheelchairs and solar-powered torchlights.
And here's something that boggles the mind: http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22556281-661,00.html
Have you ever wondered why they don't bother building a fence around HDB estates? It's cos we're poor, nothing much to steal. We pity the poor no-lifer who has to steal from HDB occupants. We might even give away some stuff to you, and then say hi to you when we meet again in the Toto queue!
Moving on, have you ever wondered why there's a fence around condominiums? Cos there's stuff to steal. Lounge chairs, gym equipment, table tennis tables, even pool tables. Or you could use detergent and wash clothes in the condo swimming pool, since nowadays water very expensive and wash clothes need a lot a lot of water.
So, why are the fences around landed properties usually so low?
Requires a bit more brainpower, but that's obviously because they have so much that they know you can't possibly take enough to to hurt them in any significant way. In other words, burglars, please help yourselves. Thinking for the burglar, I would think that it's very labour-intensive to keep carting furniture to the hideaway. The logistics involved (getaway lorry) would be much of a headache, which is rather unnecessary as we shall see. The 3G (3rd generation) burglar will scale the wall with a high-resolution handycam in hand. He proceeds to take videos of the occupants in sex positions at night. And if the shooting angle is wrong or some cock-up (wah punz) such that he needs a reshoot, he can just shout, "EH CB CAN DO IT PROPERLY OR NOT!", and siam for a while. The involved occupants may be startled and may go around looking for the burglar, but they won't find him la, if he knows how to camouflage properly. If he don't know means he chaokeng during ns. So after a futile search, the occupants (actually might as well call them pornstars) will go back to their room uneasily. But that's not the end of the story, cos according to an expert (lazy so i only find one)
http://www.counterpunch.org/block10292005.html, sex and fear seem to go hand in hand, so all the fear will make them do it again and the burglar can then climb out and do a reshoot. Then the burglar tries to sell the saucy video back to the participants. Some people call it blackmail. whatever. If the people buy it, it's a win-win situation, because otherwise, the burglar wouldn't get anything except police arrests if they post it online. Who else would want to see it anyway?
Another thing about modern society is how much we waste energy. I don't mean all of us should take on the big projects like Al Gore's movie that don't really help much, in fact i think it makes the matter worse. We should seek to understand why people today:
a) run on the treadmill, but drive for the shortest distances
and then complain that cars pollute the earth
b) Lift weights, but abhor manual labour
With such contribution to the world, it's no wonder the earth is in such a sorry state
This almost makes me want to invent foot-powered wheelchairs and solar-powered torchlights.
And here's something that boggles the mind: http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22556281-661,00.html
Sunday, February 01, 2009
yl explains leverage
Nowadays with the financial crisis in full swing, talking about finance very in. Newspaper, newsweek all saying the same things. Like why part A of the economy sucks, why part B of the economy sucks, that's why everybody suck thumb. That is now la. Not so long ago, i read this column by a financial expert in newsweek say the drop in stock prices is just a 'short-term correction', cheemology for singing "if we hold on together, I know our dreams(of getting rich) will never die". Now become 'if we hold on to the stocks together, all of us will die together'. There's so many explanations for why the whole financial crisis happen, but i think those reporters just pangsai out something to make a living la, regardless of whether they actually know what's happening or not, unlike me cannot make any money writing. Actually, whether you understand the financial crisis or not also doesn't matter, because you also cannot do anything about it. Even the people who are doing something about it also don't understand it, so no point, end up just fight. But i just want to explain what is leverage for fun.
Leverage is simply borrowing, like how companies on Wall Street borrow to make money (and now lose money). But let me illustrate this with an example everyone can relate to, at the same time teach you all some survival skills.
Let's say you got no money. But you're hungry, so you go to Macdonald's. You look around, and you spy someone who has just bought an extra value meal. You think, where does that extra value go to? Must be for me la. So you approach that someone, and ask in your most charming way, can I have a few pieces of your fries? Smitten, the person says yes, albeit reluctantly. With that legitimate piece of consent, you turn into a food monster and grab half of the fries, and put it on another tray which you have koped earlier on. But you're not done yet. You also grab the fries container from the shocked someone's tray. Finally done with the food rape, you remember what your mama told you and say 'thank you'. (I believe investment bankers are polite people too) Now the proud owner of half a packet of fries, is it time to enjoy the fruits of someone else's labour? Not so fast. You have to be hungrier than that! Instead, you don't touch the half packet of fries and you head towards the cashier with it. You say in a polite voice, "Excuse me, I think the fries are overcooked." You eyeball the cashier and maintain a solemn face as he gives you his WTF expression. If you sense resistance, or some tension, you go for the jugular and say, "Yes, it's overcooked, would you like to try some of it?" At this point, in all probability, the cashier will give in and give you a whole new packet of freshly-ccoked fries. It's not his store after all. He's just a poor cashier forced to deal with hungry psychotic people. He'll give anything to make them go away. Now what you do next really depends on your level of greed. You could eat your fries, though thats too easy for you. Or you could divide your fries, kope another fries container from the dustbin or someone else and repeat the steps, thereby getting you 2 packets of freshly-cooked fries. And the process could go on. Then you can sell macdonald's french fries outside macdonald's for half the price! Or you can graduate to leveraging burgers instead of/and fries. Man the possibilities are endless!
(Based on a true story)
Leverage is simply borrowing, like how companies on Wall Street borrow to make money (and now lose money). But let me illustrate this with an example everyone can relate to, at the same time teach you all some survival skills.
Let's say you got no money. But you're hungry, so you go to Macdonald's. You look around, and you spy someone who has just bought an extra value meal. You think, where does that extra value go to? Must be for me la. So you approach that someone, and ask in your most charming way, can I have a few pieces of your fries? Smitten, the person says yes, albeit reluctantly. With that legitimate piece of consent, you turn into a food monster and grab half of the fries, and put it on another tray which you have koped earlier on. But you're not done yet. You also grab the fries container from the shocked someone's tray. Finally done with the food rape, you remember what your mama told you and say 'thank you'. (I believe investment bankers are polite people too) Now the proud owner of half a packet of fries, is it time to enjoy the fruits of someone else's labour? Not so fast. You have to be hungrier than that! Instead, you don't touch the half packet of fries and you head towards the cashier with it. You say in a polite voice, "Excuse me, I think the fries are overcooked." You eyeball the cashier and maintain a solemn face as he gives you his WTF expression. If you sense resistance, or some tension, you go for the jugular and say, "Yes, it's overcooked, would you like to try some of it?" At this point, in all probability, the cashier will give in and give you a whole new packet of freshly-ccoked fries. It's not his store after all. He's just a poor cashier forced to deal with hungry psychotic people. He'll give anything to make them go away. Now what you do next really depends on your level of greed. You could eat your fries, though thats too easy for you. Or you could divide your fries, kope another fries container from the dustbin or someone else and repeat the steps, thereby getting you 2 packets of freshly-cooked fries. And the process could go on. Then you can sell macdonald's french fries outside macdonald's for half the price! Or you can graduate to leveraging burgers instead of/and fries. Man the possibilities are endless!
(Based on a true story)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Left for Dead
My situation: stay out, subject to no work.
So that's more or less like I'm a part of the normal Singapore workforce, unlike most people studying. I've learnt a lot, and the things to hate about work. Like meetings. Many scenarios can happen after a meeting is scheduled:
Meeting cancelled: yeeeyy
Fall sick and stay home: yeyy
Assuming that both of these don't happen, be prepared for a rather shitty time, with bullshit being the main focus. It generally starts out fine, everyone's optimistic many things can resolved somehow by more talking heads, talking heads that never appear except for meetings with a big boss. But when the agenda drags on for more than half an hour, morale dips to 'cb another dedication of my life to my country' levels and everyone sits a little lower in their chairs. Then, you watch with horror as everyone starts to morph into zombies. You, my friend, are the survivor, and here's where my new characters for the computer game Left for Dead comes in.
The Bull: Works like the character Boomer, but instead of spewing a disgusting, sticky goo, this one emanates shit like nobody's business. bullshit. Usually starts with "i think we can blahblahblah..." or "In my previous unit, we did blahblahblah..." You know that's an enormous catastrophe, it's like you see the asteroid casting a shadow as it comes crashing into earth and you just cross your trembling fingers and hope that the bullshit doesn't land splat in your face. The bull usually spawns close to Legolas (see below)
Ultimate move: Bullshit Storm
This is a sad way to die as your spirit, your intelligence, your dignity are all crushed mercilessly by the tonnes of bullshit falling from the sky. You are finally covered, and not a trace of you can be seen.
The Finger A: The finger A says "Oh this thing is X do one. You can ask him about that." or " Oh i thought X was supposed to do that as we agreed on during the last meeting" (X may be a zombie too so in that case you can watch a zombie-fight for once!). But sometimes this isn't a wise move because it's so directly confrontational. And what if the minutes prove it wrong? Then the finger would be pointing back at itself!
Ultimate move: Finger Stab
If you get this, you end up with holes all over your body from the finger stabs. From those holes, pple know they can fuck you.
The Finger B: The finger B is a more evolved version of the finger B and has an attribute of 20 for subtlety. It says, "I take full responsibility for the shit that happened... but actually it's his fault not my fault" The absurdity of this sentence is sometimes clouded by the zombie-ish setting. It's like saying," I'm sorry but actually i'm not sorry"
Ultimate move: Finger Stab (with longer fingernail than above)
See above, with twice the damage.
The Brain: woah this zombie is smart. Somehow through gossip and stuff, this zombie actually knows everything that's going on, but that doesn't mean it has done anything about it. But because it knows everything, it is assumed it did or was involved in the work. Nobody can lift a finger against the brain because it just knows too much.
The Goat: The goat is the noobiest of the zombies. Most of the time, it gets the blame for every shit that happens. The goat must be in the unique position that its not junior enough to "act blur live longer" and not senior enough to "wah lau it's all my stupid insubordinate subordinate's fault". So why should you fear the goat? Because the goat's bleatings can be damn irritating, like a witch's screech. The goat will say stuff like this," so now everything is my fault loh, but I did so and so and -tonnes of excuses later- proceeds to gore you with horns if you walk away. And of course you, the cynical you, will be thinking to yourself, "Now you're bleating yourself silly about the shit that happens to you when all you've been doing is leaving crap all over the place."
Ultimate move: Death Bleat
Legolas
Handsome, dashing Legolas is the champion of the show. Shooting arrows all over the place, this is the man you need to keep clear of, or keep within ass-kissing distance of, depending on what type of person you are. The undoubted leader, his fearsome arrows put the fear of god into the hearts of all present.
Ultimate move: Arrow Fury
You die a horrible death, with arrows sticking through all of your body
Your job, being the survivor, is as the name suggests, to survive. Though it's not easy, i wish you luck! And because my inexperience has limited my imagination, i recommend that you read Dilbert for the ultimate survival guide!
So that's more or less like I'm a part of the normal Singapore workforce, unlike most people studying. I've learnt a lot, and the things to hate about work. Like meetings. Many scenarios can happen after a meeting is scheduled:
Meeting cancelled: yeeeyy
Fall sick and stay home: yeyy
Assuming that both of these don't happen, be prepared for a rather shitty time, with bullshit being the main focus. It generally starts out fine, everyone's optimistic many things can resolved somehow by more talking heads, talking heads that never appear except for meetings with a big boss. But when the agenda drags on for more than half an hour, morale dips to 'cb another dedication of my life to my country' levels and everyone sits a little lower in their chairs. Then, you watch with horror as everyone starts to morph into zombies. You, my friend, are the survivor, and here's where my new characters for the computer game Left for Dead comes in.
The Bull: Works like the character Boomer, but instead of spewing a disgusting, sticky goo, this one emanates shit like nobody's business. bullshit. Usually starts with "i think we can blahblahblah..." or "In my previous unit, we did blahblahblah..." You know that's an enormous catastrophe, it's like you see the asteroid casting a shadow as it comes crashing into earth and you just cross your trembling fingers and hope that the bullshit doesn't land splat in your face. The bull usually spawns close to Legolas (see below)
Ultimate move: Bullshit Storm
This is a sad way to die as your spirit, your intelligence, your dignity are all crushed mercilessly by the tonnes of bullshit falling from the sky. You are finally covered, and not a trace of you can be seen.
The Finger A: The finger A says "Oh this thing is X do one. You can ask him about that." or " Oh i thought X was supposed to do that as we agreed on during the last meeting" (X may be a zombie too so in that case you can watch a zombie-fight for once!). But sometimes this isn't a wise move because it's so directly confrontational. And what if the minutes prove it wrong? Then the finger would be pointing back at itself!
Ultimate move: Finger Stab
If you get this, you end up with holes all over your body from the finger stabs. From those holes, pple know they can fuck you.
The Finger B: The finger B is a more evolved version of the finger B and has an attribute of 20 for subtlety. It says, "I take full responsibility for the shit that happened... but actually it's his fault not my fault" The absurdity of this sentence is sometimes clouded by the zombie-ish setting. It's like saying," I'm sorry but actually i'm not sorry"
Ultimate move: Finger Stab (with longer fingernail than above)
See above, with twice the damage.
The Brain: woah this zombie is smart. Somehow through gossip and stuff, this zombie actually knows everything that's going on, but that doesn't mean it has done anything about it. But because it knows everything, it is assumed it did or was involved in the work. Nobody can lift a finger against the brain because it just knows too much.
The Goat: The goat is the noobiest of the zombies. Most of the time, it gets the blame for every shit that happens. The goat must be in the unique position that its not junior enough to "act blur live longer" and not senior enough to "wah lau it's all my stupid insubordinate subordinate's fault". So why should you fear the goat? Because the goat's bleatings can be damn irritating, like a witch's screech. The goat will say stuff like this," so now everything is my fault loh, but I did so and so and -tonnes of excuses later- proceeds to gore you with horns if you walk away. And of course you, the cynical you, will be thinking to yourself, "Now you're bleating yourself silly about the shit that happens to you when all you've been doing is leaving crap all over the place."
Ultimate move: Death Bleat
Legolas
Handsome, dashing Legolas is the champion of the show. Shooting arrows all over the place, this is the man you need to keep clear of, or keep within ass-kissing distance of, depending on what type of person you are. The undoubted leader, his fearsome arrows put the fear of god into the hearts of all present.
Ultimate move: Arrow Fury
You die a horrible death, with arrows sticking through all of your body
Your job, being the survivor, is as the name suggests, to survive. Though it's not easy, i wish you luck! And because my inexperience has limited my imagination, i recommend that you read Dilbert for the ultimate survival guide!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Fairytale ending?
After watching the final episode of The Little Nyonya, I thought I'd seen the last of that sobby show. Not that it was a bad show, in fact I quite enjoyed it. Just that I thought yes it's over finally time to get on with my life and stop being addicted.
Well, not quite.
Wednesday's report in the papers said that viewers kpkb that the ending was NO GOOD. That Chen Xi and Yueniang didn't end up together, wtf!! So no fairytale ending = bad ending!!
I was stunned to read that some viewer actually cried when she found out they were separated. Okayy... even though I won't say I've never cried in my life, I certainly don't do it over a serial. Or for a movie, for that matter (because I'm not Emolin).
Anyway who said it wasn't a happy ending. Did they not see the joy on Yueniang's face when the Caucasian proposed to her? Since she's already half Jap it doesn't hurt mixing more Caucasian blood into the gene pool. It's common knowledge mixed kids usually turn out smarter than most, and more handsome than most.
So how the eff is that a poor ending? Plus Chen Xi and his wife had SIX kids. SIX KIDS LE... it's like they had SIXXX so much that they had half a dozen worth of kids. Can play 5-a-side rugby with one waterboy/reserve. How is that a bad ending?
Next time I urge ST to be more discretive when they wish to air the views of the audience. It's so retarded I was like roflmao when I opened the Life! spread. Although it made my day - so actually ST should publish more of such articles.
Tonight they will play the alternative ending to "The Little Nyonya" - where Chen Xi and Yueniang get together. That is awful rubbish, since we know that these ideal situations seldom happen in life. Life sucks, and the viewers ought to face it.
Who said Yueniang liked Chen Xi in the first place anyway? If she really did she would not have rejected him so many times. Forcing Yueniang to marry Chen Xi would be akin to letting Yuzhu marry Robert Zhang - an unhappy marriage leading to JACK SHIT.
Therefore I feel that the original ending was ideal.
As for whether Yueniang is fireproof..
..who gives a damn, it's a bloody show for show's sake.
Okay now I'm off to catch the 5-minute special edition where they get together. Just to satisfy some retarded viewers' cravings. Ahahaha I would have blogged longer but too bad, service to the nation right after the 5-minute edition.
Next week I'll try to blog earlier. lol
Well, not quite.
Wednesday's report in the papers said that viewers kpkb that the ending was NO GOOD. That Chen Xi and Yueniang didn't end up together, wtf!! So no fairytale ending = bad ending!!
I was stunned to read that some viewer actually cried when she found out they were separated. Okayy... even though I won't say I've never cried in my life, I certainly don't do it over a serial. Or for a movie, for that matter (because I'm not Emolin).
Anyway who said it wasn't a happy ending. Did they not see the joy on Yueniang's face when the Caucasian proposed to her? Since she's already half Jap it doesn't hurt mixing more Caucasian blood into the gene pool. It's common knowledge mixed kids usually turn out smarter than most, and more handsome than most.
So how the eff is that a poor ending? Plus Chen Xi and his wife had SIX kids. SIX KIDS LE... it's like they had SIXXX so much that they had half a dozen worth of kids. Can play 5-a-side rugby with one waterboy/reserve. How is that a bad ending?
Next time I urge ST to be more discretive when they wish to air the views of the audience. It's so retarded I was like roflmao when I opened the Life! spread. Although it made my day - so actually ST should publish more of such articles.
Tonight they will play the alternative ending to "The Little Nyonya" - where Chen Xi and Yueniang get together. That is awful rubbish, since we know that these ideal situations seldom happen in life. Life sucks, and the viewers ought to face it.
Who said Yueniang liked Chen Xi in the first place anyway? If she really did she would not have rejected him so many times. Forcing Yueniang to marry Chen Xi would be akin to letting Yuzhu marry Robert Zhang - an unhappy marriage leading to JACK SHIT.
Therefore I feel that the original ending was ideal.
As for whether Yueniang is fireproof..
..who gives a damn, it's a bloody show for show's sake.
Okay now I'm off to catch the 5-minute special edition where they get together. Just to satisfy some retarded viewers' cravings. Ahahaha I would have blogged longer but too bad, service to the nation right after the 5-minute edition.
Next week I'll try to blog earlier. lol
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Wanted: VIDEOCAM
YL and I wanted a videocam for very important purposes, and we know not of many who has one. In fact, we only know of one person. Since both of us don't have videocams (in case I didn't say that earlier, which I didn't), we decided to approach him for a very important loan.
In order to fulfil our very important purpose.
For anonymity purposes, our friend is named as c, the constant in our equation. I'm J for short, then obviously the YL is L.
How To Persuade A Good Friend To Lend You Something
And How To Hedge A Subject
And Talk A Lot Of Cock On The Way There
(edited and modified)
j- hello.
c- yoyo.
l- hey c we need you very badly.
(that's persuasion due to desperate need)
c- ya right.
l- okay more specifically we need your videocam.
(now he's coming clean..)
c- you want my wife then say so.
l- we know you come with your camera..
j- that's wrong. you COME with your WIFE?
(that's talking cock, by the way)
c- so who you want to spy on? hot chicks?
j- eh lets go lanning this sat. (diverting subject)
c- no i can't lan
j- eh i owe you money anyway
c- u do?
j- no i meant yl
l- lol
(time wastage due to talking cock. we're good)
j- back to the topic! videocam! you're not using it?
c- no.. why you using it for?
j- eh yl but we not much time le.. (i'm super unfocused)
c- just get straight to the point!
j- sorry i'm like arsenal. (c's an arsenal fan)
l- we got all the time in the world..
j- i dribble.. i hang around.. shoot everywhere except the goal..
j- wave to the fans.. (pushing my luck..)
l- arsenal can't win.
(negative example. please don't insult the guy's favourite team if you want a favour.)
c- LOL quick. what you need my cam for?
l- so what do you think we need it for?
(questioning techniques.)
l- is it edible?
j- is it sexable?
j- man needs two basic things. FOOD! SEX!
c- oh. so you need to film some porn shit.
j- maybe porn. but SHIT? that's just gross.
c- you guys won't take pics of food. that's just gay.
c- but you might film shit. (ouch..)
l- c asks the best questions possible..
c- i don't get it. i must be fortune's fool. (which was his nick)
j- well acc to your nick you ARE fortune's fool..
c- okay i get it. YOU GUYS JUST WANT ME.
c- NOT MY CAMERA. LEAVE MY WIFE ALONE.
(gee.. such an accusation, i was real hurt man.)
l- yea. so that's settled then.
l- okay the gist is that..
c- lan on saturday?
(see what talking cock and hedging the issue has done..)
l- (ignoring c) you asked what we wanted your video cam for..
l- which of course would be to make videos.
l- but you still asked.
c- (exasperated?) yeah i mean what kind of videos =.=
(then i start the nonsense all over again.)
j- wait i thought you said you couldn't lan?
l- okay we want to make a video that entertains, in a way thats acceptable to us
(now he's being really specific.)
c- just have me inside. that's good enough =)=)
j- LOL YOU SAID IT BETTER NOT REGRET
(note: last time i posted sth about c online this girl fell madly in love with him.)
c- HAHA FUCK U LOL
c- you gonna post it on TCS? (oops.)
l- that's interesting. you can teach everyone how to chase a girl.
c- speak for yourself yl you're the girl killer! (tables are turned!)
c- you're the girl killer. every girl on the __________ had a crush on you!
Editor's note: Sensitive information! But it's true there was one period of time there was this indeterminate number of girls having a crush on YL. Or maybe all the while. Unfortunately mesdemoiselles he's already taken, so sorry. Back to the convo.
l- yea. but that wasn't funny.
j- LOL. (wasn't it.)
l- we need entertainment.
c- well u try charming the rj canteen aunties. tell them they're on film and they are very pretty. and flirt with them. and try to get a discount. if u dun piss them off by paying in 5 cents coins.
Editor's note: I did that once. They weren't pleased. Ah and I meant paying in 5 cents coins, not the flirting bit LOL.
l- that's just mean, and we're not in sch anymore.
l- you want to try cookhouse aunties?
c- no. its they who want to try me.
l- now you're starting (the digression).
convo suddenly degens and we're talking about who's going to camp tomorrow and whatnot. it gets really bad until c pulls us all back into the convo.
c- i can lend you all. but you all never say how long, when, why..
l- like saf logbook like that..
l- make video for tcs la!!
And that concludes our conversation, because the purpose had been revealed.
Hope you learnt something there.
In order to fulfil our very important purpose.
For anonymity purposes, our friend is named as c, the constant in our equation. I'm J for short, then obviously the YL is L.
How To Persuade A Good Friend To Lend You Something
And How To Hedge A Subject
And Talk A Lot Of Cock On The Way There
(edited and modified)
j- hello.
c- yoyo.
l- hey c we need you very badly.
(that's persuasion due to desperate need)
c- ya right.
l- okay more specifically we need your videocam.
(now he's coming clean..)
c- you want my wife then say so.
l- we know you come with your camera..
j- that's wrong. you COME with your WIFE?
(that's talking cock, by the way)
c- so who you want to spy on? hot chicks?
j- eh lets go lanning this sat. (diverting subject)
c- no i can't lan
j- eh i owe you money anyway
c- u do?
j- no i meant yl
l- lol
(time wastage due to talking cock. we're good)
j- back to the topic! videocam! you're not using it?
c- no.. why you using it for?
j- eh yl but we not much time le.. (i'm super unfocused)
c- just get straight to the point!
j- sorry i'm like arsenal. (c's an arsenal fan)
l- we got all the time in the world..
j- i dribble.. i hang around.. shoot everywhere except the goal..
j- wave to the fans.. (pushing my luck..)
l- arsenal can't win.
(negative example. please don't insult the guy's favourite team if you want a favour.)
c- LOL quick. what you need my cam for?
l- so what do you think we need it for?
(questioning techniques.)
l- is it edible?
j- is it sexable?
j- man needs two basic things. FOOD! SEX!
c- oh. so you need to film some porn shit.
j- maybe porn. but SHIT? that's just gross.
c- you guys won't take pics of food. that's just gay.
c- but you might film shit. (ouch..)
l- c asks the best questions possible..
c- i don't get it. i must be fortune's fool. (which was his nick)
j- well acc to your nick you ARE fortune's fool..
c- okay i get it. YOU GUYS JUST WANT ME.
c- NOT MY CAMERA. LEAVE MY WIFE ALONE.
(gee.. such an accusation, i was real hurt man.)
l- yea. so that's settled then.
l- okay the gist is that..
c- lan on saturday?
(see what talking cock and hedging the issue has done..)
l- (ignoring c) you asked what we wanted your video cam for..
l- which of course would be to make videos.
l- but you still asked.
c- (exasperated?) yeah i mean what kind of videos =.=
(then i start the nonsense all over again.)
j- wait i thought you said you couldn't lan?
l- okay we want to make a video that entertains, in a way thats acceptable to us
(now he's being really specific.)
c- just have me inside. that's good enough =)=)
j- LOL YOU SAID IT BETTER NOT REGRET
(note: last time i posted sth about c online this girl fell madly in love with him.)
c- HAHA FUCK U LOL
c- you gonna post it on TCS? (oops.)
l- that's interesting. you can teach everyone how to chase a girl.
c- speak for yourself yl you're the girl killer! (tables are turned!)
c- you're the girl killer. every girl on the __________ had a crush on you!
Editor's note: Sensitive information! But it's true there was one period of time there was this indeterminate number of girls having a crush on YL. Or maybe all the while. Unfortunately mesdemoiselles he's already taken, so sorry. Back to the convo.
l- yea. but that wasn't funny.
j- LOL. (wasn't it.)
l- we need entertainment.
c- well u try charming the rj canteen aunties. tell them they're on film and they are very pretty. and flirt with them. and try to get a discount. if u dun piss them off by paying in 5 cents coins.
Editor's note: I did that once. They weren't pleased. Ah and I meant paying in 5 cents coins, not the flirting bit LOL.
l- that's just mean, and we're not in sch anymore.
l- you want to try cookhouse aunties?
c- no. its they who want to try me.
l- now you're starting (the digression).
convo suddenly degens and we're talking about who's going to camp tomorrow and whatnot. it gets really bad until c pulls us all back into the convo.
c- i can lend you all. but you all never say how long, when, why..
l- like saf logbook like that..
l- make video for tcs la!!
And that concludes our conversation, because the purpose had been revealed.
Hope you learnt something there.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Holiday!
Upon entering the alternate reality, when we have no idea what's in store for us, it's a rite of passage for almost all to go on a sweet holiday package not offered to outsiders. Information as follows, take a brochure!
16D/15N Te Kong Delight
offering:
When some bugger does something stupid:
"stupid got no medicine".
A profound observation that, in spite of all the advances in medicine and technology, there's no cure for stupidity. With that, he has identified a global problem of vast scale that modern society has not even begun to solve. An oblique critique of the medical system today.
Fun fact of the day:
"by the way, fuck backside very pain".
Yea the lesson ended with this very random and totally irrelevant fun fact. But nonetheless enlightening. I mean, who would know before he said it?
Philosophy on love:
"True love is injection in the middle section without objection"
The source of heated debate for centuries, and we're no closer to an answer, but the coach gives his esteemed opinion.
Scolding someone:
"defunct sperm product"
Finally, one insult that insults the father. Mothers have been having it bad what with all the insults like motherfucker and son of a bitch. This is the age of gender equality.
Praising someone:
"Jonathan's a good boy, he's a virgin"
We didn't really have to know that.
On patience:
"of course must wait la, even pregnant also must wait 9 months"
The usual response to something like this is laughter, then '...' then??? what the hell does pregnancy have to do with anything we're doing?
Synonym for "All of you guys":
"Every father's mother's son"
I have no idea why they would substitute a shorter phrase for a longer phrase, but i assume it's to add emphasis on who they're addressing, and to wake up the people who are sleeping before continuing.
On pain:
"Fuck also pain, no pain no gain, the beauty is at the end"
a rather warped way of using no pain no gain, but effective in conveying the message.
On the wrong attitude:
"Everyday wake up 'Cheebye another day!'"
A comical way of depicting pessimists, but a gross exaggeration because even the diehard pessimists don't start cursing first thing in the morning. But i can imagine this is a good way to vent it when life really sucks that much.
And of course, when inspired by such great language, even young guys come up with memorable quotes.
King kenny:
"The worst 3 days of my life are coming to an end...the 4th is about to start"
well king kenny wasn't exactly an optimist, but this is very quotable.
Come to think of it, despite the fact that virtually all the quotes are grammatically flawed, it was a great lesson on effective communication.
So it was quite an attractive package, though it paled in comparison to the Brunei Bonanza and the Thailand Thong Party that were to follow in terms of adventure. Well, personally i gained some insights after going on Te Kong Delight. Some of them confirm the way i see the world, some of them adjust the way i see the world, and some of them turn me upside down and make me see the world that way.
Hygiene:
The package taught me that hygiene really isn't important. If i already said that in previous posts, i was kidding then. So this time, my hands and fingernails were muddy and all, and water was really meant for drinking, not washing, so with my muddy hands, i took a biscuit and popped it into my mouth. One day, two days, nope no diarrhea. So essentially, all the things that we do for hygiene in our everyday life are somewhat redundant.
Hair:
Have you wondered why Singapore has failed to produce a single rock star? Yea, actors, playwrights, poets, we have them all, but why no rock star, or at least one that i have heard of? That's because singapore guys have a serious lack of hair. Rock stars need hair, because
a) they need to cover up their ugly faces, if only for a moment
b) it can amplify the fact that their heads are grooving along to the music too. In a music hall, if you're botak, the audience sitting some distance away can't really tell whether you're moving your head along or not.
c) hair allows them to have more choices for fashion. If you have hair, you can dye your hair a rainbow hue, come up with funny hairstyles like 10 pigtails, but if you're botak, what are you going to do, paint your head?
Unfortunately, fate hasn't been kind to singaporean guys. Since young, there has been strict hair discipline. In school, there are always hair checks, and the sad thing is you don't know how mild the punishments actually are until you have graduated from school. For example, schools can give you detention but they can't give you confinement. So, in schools, we cut hair, and in te kong, we shave hair, and after that it's too late to be a rock star, or the testosterone catches up and theres a receding hairline. So that's why Singapore has no rock stars!
16D/15N Te Kong Delight
offering:
- unspoilt greenery
- swimming pool with sea view
- guided tour along Te Kong coastline
- all meals included
- modern department store
- watch sunset and stars with friends
- training programme for optimum fitness
- Life coaches with many years of experience
When some bugger does something stupid:
"stupid got no medicine".
A profound observation that, in spite of all the advances in medicine and technology, there's no cure for stupidity. With that, he has identified a global problem of vast scale that modern society has not even begun to solve. An oblique critique of the medical system today.
Fun fact of the day:
"by the way, fuck backside very pain".
Yea the lesson ended with this very random and totally irrelevant fun fact. But nonetheless enlightening. I mean, who would know before he said it?
Philosophy on love:
"True love is injection in the middle section without objection"
The source of heated debate for centuries, and we're no closer to an answer, but the coach gives his esteemed opinion.
Scolding someone:
"defunct sperm product"
Finally, one insult that insults the father. Mothers have been having it bad what with all the insults like motherfucker and son of a bitch. This is the age of gender equality.
Praising someone:
"Jonathan's a good boy, he's a virgin"
We didn't really have to know that.
On patience:
"of course must wait la, even pregnant also must wait 9 months"
The usual response to something like this is laughter, then '...' then??? what the hell does pregnancy have to do with anything we're doing?
Synonym for "All of you guys":
"Every father's mother's son"
I have no idea why they would substitute a shorter phrase for a longer phrase, but i assume it's to add emphasis on who they're addressing, and to wake up the people who are sleeping before continuing.
On pain:
"Fuck also pain, no pain no gain, the beauty is at the end"
a rather warped way of using no pain no gain, but effective in conveying the message.
On the wrong attitude:
"Everyday wake up 'Cheebye another day!'"
A comical way of depicting pessimists, but a gross exaggeration because even the diehard pessimists don't start cursing first thing in the morning. But i can imagine this is a good way to vent it when life really sucks that much.
And of course, when inspired by such great language, even young guys come up with memorable quotes.
King kenny:
"The worst 3 days of my life are coming to an end...the 4th is about to start"
well king kenny wasn't exactly an optimist, but this is very quotable.
Come to think of it, despite the fact that virtually all the quotes are grammatically flawed, it was a great lesson on effective communication.
So it was quite an attractive package, though it paled in comparison to the Brunei Bonanza and the Thailand Thong Party that were to follow in terms of adventure. Well, personally i gained some insights after going on Te Kong Delight. Some of them confirm the way i see the world, some of them adjust the way i see the world, and some of them turn me upside down and make me see the world that way.
Hygiene:
The package taught me that hygiene really isn't important. If i already said that in previous posts, i was kidding then. So this time, my hands and fingernails were muddy and all, and water was really meant for drinking, not washing, so with my muddy hands, i took a biscuit and popped it into my mouth. One day, two days, nope no diarrhea. So essentially, all the things that we do for hygiene in our everyday life are somewhat redundant.
Hair:
Have you wondered why Singapore has failed to produce a single rock star? Yea, actors, playwrights, poets, we have them all, but why no rock star, or at least one that i have heard of? That's because singapore guys have a serious lack of hair. Rock stars need hair, because
a) they need to cover up their ugly faces, if only for a moment
b) it can amplify the fact that their heads are grooving along to the music too. In a music hall, if you're botak, the audience sitting some distance away can't really tell whether you're moving your head along or not.
c) hair allows them to have more choices for fashion. If you have hair, you can dye your hair a rainbow hue, come up with funny hairstyles like 10 pigtails, but if you're botak, what are you going to do, paint your head?
Unfortunately, fate hasn't been kind to singaporean guys. Since young, there has been strict hair discipline. In school, there are always hair checks, and the sad thing is you don't know how mild the punishments actually are until you have graduated from school. For example, schools can give you detention but they can't give you confinement. So, in schools, we cut hair, and in te kong, we shave hair, and after that it's too late to be a rock star, or the testosterone catches up and theres a receding hairline. So that's why Singapore has no rock stars!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I Love Parades!
One thing about the alternate reality is that there are many different types of parades. But generally, a parade involves you showing yourself off to someone, presenting the best possible image. Still they differ greatly.
a) defaulter's parade
The tradition of this parade began in 1883 in the British Army, when a soldier was unable to repay his debt to his comrade, and was made to march at fast pace around the camp as punishment. Thus evolved the practice of employing defaulter's parade as the preferred form of punishment for stupid offences. Today, proud participants of the defaulter's parade hold their heads up high as they march at breakneck pace and turn round and round on the spot and then vomit. Yes it's that violent.
b) show parade
Just as the name suggests, it's for show. That's for offences like if you show up in slippers, with an ugly afro, an ugly mohawk or the like. Then you'd have to rectify your problem (trim your afro into the shape of a helmet) or say you're sikh and then show the guy who punished you what a changed man you are.
c) passing out parade
I always had this idea that the passing out parade would be a mass of people fainting at the same time, kinda like a party where everyone overdoses at the same moment, though that would take some coincidence. But it's not. Passing out parade usually means you can finally get out of the place you trained in, usually not known as a happy place.
d) master parade
Master parade is just a parade conducted when the dude feels like it. So you dress your best, and try to be the cellophane man in chicago, meaning invisible. No long hair, nothing out of place. And pray that no fire burns (means no weekend burn)
e) commissioning parade
The greatest thing that the commissioning parade has taught me is that a great mass of people doing the same action, whatever that action may be, makes for a great spectacle. So let's say you have 500 people on parade, and they all scratch their asses in the same way at the same time, that would make for a great show too. That is the power of military precision. At the same time, it tells me that people only watch the first few rows, and if you're at the back, you can pretty much screw up the parade anyway you want cos nobody cares. But we all screwed up anyway.
a) defaulter's parade
The tradition of this parade began in 1883 in the British Army, when a soldier was unable to repay his debt to his comrade, and was made to march at fast pace around the camp as punishment. Thus evolved the practice of employing defaulter's parade as the preferred form of punishment for stupid offences. Today, proud participants of the defaulter's parade hold their heads up high as they march at breakneck pace and turn round and round on the spot and then vomit. Yes it's that violent.
b) show parade
Just as the name suggests, it's for show. That's for offences like if you show up in slippers, with an ugly afro, an ugly mohawk or the like. Then you'd have to rectify your problem (trim your afro into the shape of a helmet) or say you're sikh and then show the guy who punished you what a changed man you are.
c) passing out parade
I always had this idea that the passing out parade would be a mass of people fainting at the same time, kinda like a party where everyone overdoses at the same moment, though that would take some coincidence. But it's not. Passing out parade usually means you can finally get out of the place you trained in, usually not known as a happy place.
d) master parade
Master parade is just a parade conducted when the dude feels like it. So you dress your best, and try to be the cellophane man in chicago, meaning invisible. No long hair, nothing out of place. And pray that no fire burns (means no weekend burn)
e) commissioning parade
The greatest thing that the commissioning parade has taught me is that a great mass of people doing the same action, whatever that action may be, makes for a great spectacle. So let's say you have 500 people on parade, and they all scratch their asses in the same way at the same time, that would make for a great show too. That is the power of military precision. At the same time, it tells me that people only watch the first few rows, and if you're at the back, you can pretty much screw up the parade anyway you want cos nobody cares. But we all screwed up anyway.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Explorations of the Alternate Reality
Blogging is like taking a dump. Except that i take a dump way more often than i blog. Hopefully, this exception can be remedied by the inspiration that the travels into the alternate reality has given me. 5 notebooks worth of shit, that's how much inspiration i have, it's a miracle i'm not exploding. Now i shall state a fact about the alternate reality.
In the alternate reality, different species wear berets of different colours. These are seemingly random choices coming out from crayola colours, but they are not. The colours are in fact an ingenious contingency plan in case electricty fails. Do take a look at the following pictures.
Traffic lights! Sorry, wanted to use some real pictures but couldn't find any.
In the alternate reality, different species wear berets of different colours. These are seemingly random choices coming out from crayola colours, but they are not. The colours are in fact an ingenious contingency plan in case electricty fails. Do take a look at the following pictures.
Traffic lights! Sorry, wanted to use some real pictures but couldn't find any.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Something out of nothing
Q: What happens when a few young officer cadets get commissioned by the President?
A: They go right back to a blog that has been long dead and try to revive it, because as second lieutenants of the Singapore Armed Forces, it is their duty to be responsible for the training and welfare of the men that they are in charge of.
--
Okay that might be somewhat random. The question doesn't make any sense, and neither does the answer. And you might be thinking a blog isn't exactly a man. True that.
Then again we at TCS believe that everything occurs illogically, thus whether the past few paragraphs makes sense or not is immaterial.
What matters is that we're back. Back and hopefully here to stay.
Like a group of soldiers watching as the sky darkens and a heavy downpour commences, delaying their start to yet another tiring exercise. They know that the rain is back, and hopefully here to stay.
It's never easy to start posting again. You might not know it but actually I've been trying to post since Sunday - because I haven't posted for too long. I have this theory that blogging is like taking a dump.
(Please don't read on if you just had your meal.)
If you don't shit for too long, you get constipation. Same thing in blogging. Therefore it can be pointed out correctly that I am suffering from blog-stipation. Just look at how I type (granted you can't see so I can lie to you anyway) - I'm typing slowly, jerkily and wondering what comes next.
If you eat the wrong food, you get diarrhoea. Referring to my earlier posts, a dose of something nasty or amusing sets me off. I get all excited and post like I've never owned a blog before. Maybe I'd offer you a post worth ten finger-rolls of the mouse. That is bloggrea.
Quite so, yes.
Well YL and I were chatting a little, trying to see who could be inspired enough to post. He made an effort to post just there, but he didn't want to show off his new post yet so he saved as draft. That is called holding it in, or the hokkien peng would call "kek" - which suspiciously sounds like the.. thing produced from the above-mentioned metaphor.
It shows that as long as you have the determination and effort, you can always hold your crap in.
As for me, I'm bone dry of inspiration but I opened the Blogger window. And I made sure I had to type something. That's like going to the toilet and camping there, knowing that after so much constipation you just have to shit out something.
And here you are. The effort will pay off, trust me.
(This experience is similar to what I had back in SAFTI. I really could not force anything out in the excessively smelly toilets of Delta Wing but upon applying brute force and camping in the toilet, I finally did it. Even though it wasn't much it's better than nothing.)
Don't let constipation beat you. Make sure you have a healthy.. toxin-clearing habit.
Blog-stipation won't last forever. We're going to have healthy blogging habits.
Watch this space, this post will be going down, down all the way to the bottom of the page. Just like the s**t being flushed down to the bottom of the sewage.
We are back. (if Rockson can post once a year well SO CAN WE.)
A: They go right back to a blog that has been long dead and try to revive it, because as second lieutenants of the Singapore Armed Forces, it is their duty to be responsible for the training and welfare of the men that they are in charge of.
--
Okay that might be somewhat random. The question doesn't make any sense, and neither does the answer. And you might be thinking a blog isn't exactly a man. True that.
Then again we at TCS believe that everything occurs illogically, thus whether the past few paragraphs makes sense or not is immaterial.
What matters is that we're back. Back and hopefully here to stay.
Like a group of soldiers watching as the sky darkens and a heavy downpour commences, delaying their start to yet another tiring exercise. They know that the rain is back, and hopefully here to stay.
It's never easy to start posting again. You might not know it but actually I've been trying to post since Sunday - because I haven't posted for too long. I have this theory that blogging is like taking a dump.
(Please don't read on if you just had your meal.)
If you don't shit for too long, you get constipation. Same thing in blogging. Therefore it can be pointed out correctly that I am suffering from blog-stipation. Just look at how I type (granted you can't see so I can lie to you anyway) - I'm typing slowly, jerkily and wondering what comes next.
If you eat the wrong food, you get diarrhoea. Referring to my earlier posts, a dose of something nasty or amusing sets me off. I get all excited and post like I've never owned a blog before. Maybe I'd offer you a post worth ten finger-rolls of the mouse. That is bloggrea.
Quite so, yes.
Well YL and I were chatting a little, trying to see who could be inspired enough to post. He made an effort to post just there, but he didn't want to show off his new post yet so he saved as draft. That is called holding it in, or the hokkien peng would call "kek" - which suspiciously sounds like the.. thing produced from the above-mentioned metaphor.
It shows that as long as you have the determination and effort, you can always hold your crap in.
As for me, I'm bone dry of inspiration but I opened the Blogger window. And I made sure I had to type something. That's like going to the toilet and camping there, knowing that after so much constipation you just have to shit out something.
And here you are. The effort will pay off, trust me.
(This experience is similar to what I had back in SAFTI. I really could not force anything out in the excessively smelly toilets of Delta Wing but upon applying brute force and camping in the toilet, I finally did it. Even though it wasn't much it's better than nothing.)
Don't let constipation beat you. Make sure you have a healthy.. toxin-clearing habit.
Blog-stipation won't last forever. We're going to have healthy blogging habits.
Watch this space, this post will be going down, down all the way to the bottom of the page. Just like the s**t being flushed down to the bottom of the sewage.
We are back. (if Rockson can post once a year well SO CAN WE.)
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Songlist from A levels
Studying is always a damn lonely process, even if you study with others. That's why the people who study the most usually have no friends. When you're in the zone, you're all alone (hey it rhymes!). If you talk cock with your friend, you're not actually studying. But if you don't, you might as well be studying alone. Then some idiots say they can talk about the intellectual stuff that they're revising, but then those people you call weirdos, not friends. So that leaves music as the ethereal companion for your soul throughout the tumultuous times of denial, anguish, frustration, humiliation, relief and joy, roughly in that order. Why that order? (Might have been blogged about before but i can't remember)
1. Step 1 is always denial. As follows "i am so bloody smart, i am high and mighty ah jay see student i refuse to believe i don't understand this!"
2. Step 2 is anguish. i.e., wah knnccb HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEE!! This would be an appropriate time to change the song playing to How Could This Happen To Me by Simple Plan. An alternative scenario for the religious would be HOW COULD GOD DO THIS TO ME!! (Ans: Like that loh). You can even change the lyrics of the chorus to how could god do this to me.
3. Step 3 is frustration, i.e. Wah die liao sure fail A-levels howhowhowhow?!! Fail then cannot go university then cannot earn money might as well DIE! the mood then would be exemplified by Down the Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day.
4. Step 4 is humiliation. i.e. Cannot do this question, so humiliating go jiaksai la. But then pull out so much hair over this question liao cannot pull anymore later go bald even before NS, so you end up asking some higher authority, most likely to be members of your study group. There is a rule that governs study groups, and that is that members always get the same grades. so most likely, they also don't know how to do. Like that even more humiliating. Why my friends all so stupid. If you ask a teacher, then it depends on the teacher. Some can go doodeladey without answering anything, some use the i'll-get-back-to-you-later scam or the i'll-find-out-for-you scam, and of course some will do what they're paid to do and answer your questions. When you're humiliated, i suggest I Started a Joke by Bees Gees.
5. Whatever the case, step 5 is relief, after you find out that
case 1: your friends don't know how to do it,
case 2: your teachers don't know how to do it
or case 3: your teachers tell you the answer, it's all cause for relief.
6. Step 6 is joy. 'Heck la, whatever, won't come out for As". This statement has more than 90% probability of coming true. See, only 1 set of papers come out of As. Let's say you do 10 papers. Even a slacker like me would have done 10 sets of papers if you include the common tests and the prelims and the mock papers. Assuming everything that comes out of As comes from the papers you have done, only one tenth of what you have done will come out. So each question has one-tenth chance of coming out, but that's assuming everything that comes out of As comes from the papers you have done, so the actual probability of it not coming out for As is even higher. Of course, you can say the exact same question will never come out for As, but let's just give the definition more space. So after all the thinking, one reverts back to the natural state, which is joy, since the point of life is to be happy. happytime!
But i digress. This was meant to be about a songlist. So here goes
1. We Are the Champions by Queen
This is a classic. This guy who wrote and performed this is a genius... and a gay.
2. 笨小孩 by Andy Lau, Jacky Wu and Blacky Ke
Another classic. It tells you that god, actually more of dua peh gong, favours stupid kids. It says that if im stupid, god will favour me, but if im not, i don't need it anyway, so either way, i win. An inspiration to us all.
3. I Believe I Can Fly by R.Kelly
So popular when first launched, most people have forgotten it by now. It's suitable for all occasions where inspiration is needed, except when you're drunk and on high buildings.
4. Hero by Mariah Carey
Don't care about the singer, don't care about the music, the title says it all.
5. Always look on the bright side of life by don't know who (but i listen to the monty python version on youtube)
You got nothing, started with nothing, so you lost nothing!
6. YMCA by Village People, though the version by Hard Gay on youtube is funny.
Sometimes, you have to admit it, the gays make great music! One day i will go to the ymca and have a great time.
Songs you should not listen to while studying
1. 对面的女孩看过来 by 阿牛
Tut tut nonono.You can't have any distractions while you study.
2. Holiday by Green Day
Somebody said, everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to do what it takes to get there. It's not the same here, but sometimes we look so much at the destination (the holidays after As) that we forget the journey(studying for As). Ok so maybe it's only me, so change the we to I.
So this conlcudes my songlist, a little short, but effective nonetheless, assuming i listen to music when i work in the first place.
Note: My knowledge of songs is limited and i like it that way.
1. Step 1 is always denial. As follows "i am so bloody smart, i am high and mighty ah jay see student i refuse to believe i don't understand this!"
2. Step 2 is anguish. i.e., wah knnccb HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEE!! This would be an appropriate time to change the song playing to How Could This Happen To Me by Simple Plan. An alternative scenario for the religious would be HOW COULD GOD DO THIS TO ME!! (Ans: Like that loh). You can even change the lyrics of the chorus to how could god do this to me.
3. Step 3 is frustration, i.e. Wah die liao sure fail A-levels howhowhowhow?!! Fail then cannot go university then cannot earn money might as well DIE! the mood then would be exemplified by Down the Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day.
4. Step 4 is humiliation. i.e. Cannot do this question, so humiliating go jiaksai la. But then pull out so much hair over this question liao cannot pull anymore later go bald even before NS, so you end up asking some higher authority, most likely to be members of your study group. There is a rule that governs study groups, and that is that members always get the same grades. so most likely, they also don't know how to do. Like that even more humiliating. Why my friends all so stupid. If you ask a teacher, then it depends on the teacher. Some can go doodeladey without answering anything, some use the i'll-get-back-to-you-later scam or the i'll-find-out-for-you scam, and of course some will do what they're paid to do and answer your questions. When you're humiliated, i suggest I Started a Joke by Bees Gees.
5. Whatever the case, step 5 is relief, after you find out that
case 1: your friends don't know how to do it,
case 2: your teachers don't know how to do it
or case 3: your teachers tell you the answer, it's all cause for relief.
6. Step 6 is joy. 'Heck la, whatever, won't come out for As". This statement has more than 90% probability of coming true. See, only 1 set of papers come out of As. Let's say you do 10 papers. Even a slacker like me would have done 10 sets of papers if you include the common tests and the prelims and the mock papers. Assuming everything that comes out of As comes from the papers you have done, only one tenth of what you have done will come out. So each question has one-tenth chance of coming out, but that's assuming everything that comes out of As comes from the papers you have done, so the actual probability of it not coming out for As is even higher. Of course, you can say the exact same question will never come out for As, but let's just give the definition more space. So after all the thinking, one reverts back to the natural state, which is joy, since the point of life is to be happy. happytime!
But i digress. This was meant to be about a songlist. So here goes
1. We Are the Champions by Queen
This is a classic. This guy who wrote and performed this is a genius... and a gay.
2. 笨小孩 by Andy Lau, Jacky Wu and Blacky Ke
Another classic. It tells you that god, actually more of dua peh gong, favours stupid kids. It says that if im stupid, god will favour me, but if im not, i don't need it anyway, so either way, i win. An inspiration to us all.
3. I Believe I Can Fly by R.Kelly
So popular when first launched, most people have forgotten it by now. It's suitable for all occasions where inspiration is needed, except when you're drunk and on high buildings.
4. Hero by Mariah Carey
Don't care about the singer, don't care about the music, the title says it all.
5. Always look on the bright side of life by don't know who (but i listen to the monty python version on youtube)
You got nothing, started with nothing, so you lost nothing!
6. YMCA by Village People, though the version by Hard Gay on youtube is funny.
Sometimes, you have to admit it, the gays make great music! One day i will go to the ymca and have a great time.
Songs you should not listen to while studying
1. 对面的女孩看过来 by 阿牛
Tut tut nonono.You can't have any distractions while you study.
2. Holiday by Green Day
Somebody said, everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to do what it takes to get there. It's not the same here, but sometimes we look so much at the destination (the holidays after As) that we forget the journey(studying for As). Ok so maybe it's only me, so change the we to I.
So this conlcudes my songlist, a little short, but effective nonetheless, assuming i listen to music when i work in the first place.
Note: My knowledge of songs is limited and i like it that way.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Concert Promotion!
It's yj with a piano concert on the 3rd december titled "cockupsession@amphitheatre"! A very artistic name indeed for a very artistic show. Even the poster is so artistic. It's a matinee show at 2pm so you all better come ah. Featured songs include 'We Are The Champions' (obviously and we of course includes me) and depends on yj's mood at that moment. Not many of you know this, but yj was actually a music prodigy who entered ri through the direct admissions programme. For almost six years in secondary school and junior college, he kept his talent hidden because he knew all the people in school were deadbeats and would not be able to afford to pay him to play, but finally he's decided to unleash his immense talent upon us like someone who hasn't pissed for an entire week and decides to finally let loose the tsunami. But of course it's not free. Ticket prices start at 68 dollars for those standing around, where the view sucks, 88 dollars for sitting on the steps, where the view sucks, 98 dollars for lying on the floor around yj, where the view still sucks and finally 158 dollars for sitting on the piano chair (whatever that thing pianists sit on is called) with yj, subject to availability. This doesn't suck. There must be a reason why the piano chair is so long, and the only reason i can think of is that it's meant for more than one person, cos pianists in general don't seem to have very big butts. Tickets on sale now all outlets of our good friend SISTIC. Be sure to come!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
About dentists and soccer
I visited my dentist yesterday, and just because I didn't blog about it in the past doesn't mean it's uneventful. I always enjoy the visits to my dentist because I always get amused. That doesn't mean I come out of the room for the better.
In fact, I usually come out of the dentist's like I've been punched in the mouth. Probably not too far from the truth. Let me give you a lowdown on why my dentist is scary:
1. She has lots of sharp metal instruments. (okay granted she's a dentist, duh)
2. She is rather strong and is not afraid to exert force if the need arises, or even when the need does not arise.
3. She has a tendency (and probably an obligation) to put these sharp metal instruments into my mouth.
The final reason, and the most scary of all:
4. She has a poor aim.
So often I come out like I've had the life sucked out of me. Not exactly, just some blood that's drained. Always when I rinse my mouth I look forward to seeing the water in the colour of iron ferranocyanate. (not sure of spelling)
Basically it's RED. And okay maybe I don't really look forward to it after all.
The thing about my dentist, she likes to talk cock. Which is why I don't really mind bleeding away while she does her thing. She's got an old assistant but they are all quite funny. And they actually think I'm very smart and that sort of ego-boosting is very good for a guy with very low self-esteem like myself.
Conversation usually goes like this (I'd be wearing some form of school uniform when I go to the dentist's somehow):
D(entist): Wa you from Raffles ar. (she forgets EVERY DAMN WEEK)
Me: Ja.
D: RI or RJC? (ANOTHER QUESTION SHE FORGETS. do i look very young?)
Me: RJC. J2. (then i get some metal on my enamel)
D: Oh are your exams over? *at the time it wasn't*
Me: Not yet.. coming up in a month's.. OUCH
D: Oh sorry. Did I hurt you? So how have the tests been.. should be quite okay for you right, RJC people all very smart.
Me: (unable to reply because now the suction thingy is in my mouth and more metal instruments are in. but i think yea right that's what everyone says, popular overrated misconception of the century)
D: Haha so A Levels confirm all As right.
Me: (thinking WTH WHY ASK ME THOSE QUESTIONS WHERE I HAVE GOOD REPLIES WHEN I CAN'T REPLY) mfffgghh! mfff!
D: Oh did it hurt? Sorry ar.. just bear with it.
Me: ...
D: What course you going to do in uni next time? (she's really friendly, I say)
But by then I am unable to reply because one of the sharp instruments is already half in my gum and I am tasting saline for some reason. I start to think about the consequences should be a brain surgeon operating with a scalpel instead of these.. things.
Hmm maybe I should take up Dentistry. Then maybe some sod can blog about me while I happily spam metal into his gum. Which will NOT be fillings.
Anyway, that was about all I wanted to say about dentists. I can continue the story another day. More importantly, TCS has turned into a punter ground and I will be giving you a match preview of the BIG MATCH..
ENGLAND VS CROATIA
Much as you think this match is gonna be big, I say it's going to be super boring because we all know England is not easily beaten at home and Croatia is just plain lame for losing 2-0 to FYR MACEDONIA. Don't even know what FYR stands for. Silly retards.
And the pre-match commentary amuses me to a great extent. Let me give you a graphical representation.
Tough words from both sides, though what they are thinking are probably a whole different issue altogether. Let me give you another representation of what might be running through their minds.
Yup so we all know that actually they really cannot be bothered. I mean think about it. Logic dictates that both sides would want to earn favours for themselves - and if they were to get a package deal for both to qualify.. WHO WOULD DECLINE?
Symbiosis is always good. When both parties benefit, you don't question so much, you just go for the benefit. And that is why I think it's going to be.. you've guessed it.
A DRAW. What's more it's going to be a drab and boring draw.
talkcocksummit's prediction..
or rather just mine: ENGLAND 0 CROATIA 0
Take my word for it and don't watch that stupid match.
Someone is going to be very thankful for Israel's win. Not only is that going to keep his place in the squad, but tonight he'd also have nothing to do because of the England-Croatia Football Treaty So That Everyone Can Qualify.
That bloke is no other than..
MISTER ROBINSON. And if you're sharp and observant enough to notice the score in the top corner, it reads Croatia 2-0 England. With good reason, too, I might add.
Well symbiosis and both to qualify for Euro 2008, I'd say. But after that.. they can both go screw themselves and get knocked out in the first phase because don't we all know these two teams are bloody lousy, going by such a long qualification route in such a damn lousy group.
I shall favour Slaven Bilic's Croatia to win, however, because he was a former West Ham defender. Hammer means power. But my prediction will not change and should the match end in any other result..
No it won't. And that's all I have about dentists and soccer.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
I find it absolutely amazing the blog is still here.
Well, well, so what do you know? I find myself in unfamiliar territory, back here saying something which I haven't figured out yet. I am sorry not to have visited more frequently, but I've been trapped in a hell called RJC.
RJC stands for Raffles Junior College. In case you thought I got kidnapped and got stuck in some Rancid Junk Centre. Well but it comes close enough, and no I went to RJC on a voluntary basis. I'm sure you know there's also this thing called the "A" levels. Atrocious, Aggressive, whatever. I don't give a damn what you call it because for me it's over. HAH!
In any case, since Blogger doesn't delete inactive blogs - or since YL has been providing you with his hygiene tips.. I guess this is one very long overdue post. And let's talk about the latest and most important thing in everyone's lives.
Assuming you're an eighteen-year-old. Because if you're not, I assume we'd be talking about last night's soccer match. I do not understand how the hell Israel could beat Russia. But shit happens, and well I think it's okay because I didn't bet on Russia.
Which is a reminder: talkcocksummit has turned eighteen and is eligible to bet with Singapore Pools! Admittedly, though we can talk the cock, money is not funny and so we earn less than we learn.
I digress. Excuse me, I've always been doing that in the past and now is no different. So anyway I was trapped in RJC. I would like to post some pictures, but I don't have a camera and I'm lazy to search it online. Try Googling it.
And don't call me lazy. Our teachers also have done that before. "Hey this is interesting stuff, to know more about *insert insanely complicated shit*, go Google it."
LOL.
Thus the reason for a very good quote today. For those still in the midst of doing the A levels, arguably one of the more important events in your life, always remember this. The world's greatest scientist, Albert Einstein, very famously said:
Don't despair if you do badly. It's not your fault. Every student has a capability to learn and but not every teacher has the capability to teach. By the same argument, when the teachers say students are lazy to learn, it actually means that they're lazy to teach. I'm not talking about my teachers, by the way. I'm just saying IF. You never know - your teacher might just be like that.
That is why do not lapse into self-depression when you do badly. And don't be fooled by your teacher that it's your fault - because they're pushing the blame. In fact, I am a firm believer that you should just heap it all on the teacher, because Albert Einstein says so and before proven wrong, Einstein is always right.
Even though that quote is just one sentence, look beyond its face value. A corollary - that's what you learn from f**king H3 Maths - of Einstein's Teacher Theorem (that's what we'll call it) is that the teacher is always at fault if the problem is due to transferral of knowledge.
Though of course we know that there are other factors as to why a student does not do well. I will take some time to explain this.
1) Luck.
They say "Lady Luck is on your side" when you do well. May I question why Luck must be female? From the student's point of view, Lady Luck always seems to side the girls because from initial observations the girls always do better than the guys in terms of academics. Now, might Lady Luck be lesbian? I doubt it. That is a flawed theory.
Rather, I think Luck must be a guy. He must be a very very perverted guy. In my bloody five examinations in RJC, I have only managed to pass everything on one attempt - the last one. I'm either failing this or failing that.
Where "this" and "that" usually refers to Chemistry, but that's out of point. And I'm out of luck. I find that in cases where luck is involved (ie every case), you never know if the teacher is at fault. Thus we should not unfairly blame teachers.
2) Standards.
Sometimes we sit for a paper expecting it to be similar to what we did in practice. Okay I do not know about you but I expect it ALL THE TIME. But is it so? Well, no.
A study done by a very credible source (myself) has shown that schools' papers are usually out to own your arse. I believe that Cambridge's papers are usually much kinder to us than the school's. In trying some other JC's papers, I thought that if not for RP, I might have been getting my shitass grades elsewhere. Therefore RP is for the win. Though their papers aren't.
In any case my point is that often the schools set tough papers for you. So it's not your fault if you don't do well. It's simply because they plotted it all along. Which means, eh, it's the teacher's fault again! Woohoo!
To evaluate my piece, I would say that both might play an important role in your downfall, assuming you fall. If you aren't the sort to fail at least one common test per.. common test, then you can screw off because I don't like clever people. Or rather I'm insanely jealous of you so I am going to be angry with you.
Whereas some RJC students might say "get out of my elite, uncaring face" I say I do not care about your elite face. Especially if you laugh at me. That is because you only get an advantage due to LUCK and I am suffering because of my teachers. I'm not saying my teacher is bad. I'm just giving a hypothetical situation.
So I've given you a thesis, anti-thesis and synthesis, which would get me a Level 3 answer if I should submit this for an Economics paper (assuming I've inserted some random economics concepts, that's how Econs works - or doesn't). And should I write this for a GP essay, I should expect nothing less than an A grade.
However, life does not always promise you melons if you plant melons. Or rather, that is the case if you should be a student studying in JC. There is a Chinese saying, "种瓜得瓜，种豆得豆。"
Well in the modern context no one really grows melons or beans anymore. Especially not in a technology-intensive and resource-poor Singapore. So don't give me all that crap about you reap what you sow. I can prove to you that it is not true by a converse of the theorem, which yet again is another application of H3 Maths.
Even though I might be writing to you today about how unfair life can be, it doesn't say that my learning is all done in vain. As you can see, I am applying many of the skills I have learnt in JC to talking cock. Therefore learning is a lifelong process. (shown)
As such are the conclusions that I make when I try to prove something that I can't.
You get what I mean. Good luck to all of those still having Biology and Physics papers. You won't be getting your results soon, so you won't have to blame your teachers for them (should they be lousy) too soon. If you do well, then you'd better thank your lucky stars and try not to assume that she's a woman.
All right. With my highly sophisticated argument that has considered many diverse viewpoints, I think I can now end off my post. Though of course as this is talkcocksummit, you shouldn't take everything I said to heart and really go blame your teacher for everything. (Although you can. Einstein is good.)
But if you're a bloody dumbass who refuses to work, then you know you deserve your lousy grades. Ahahahaha. Loser.
RJC stands for Raffles Junior College. In case you thought I got kidnapped and got stuck in some Rancid Junk Centre. Well but it comes close enough, and no I went to RJC on a voluntary basis. I'm sure you know there's also this thing called the "A" levels. Atrocious, Aggressive, whatever. I don't give a damn what you call it because for me it's over. HAH!
In any case, since Blogger doesn't delete inactive blogs - or since YL has been providing you with his hygiene tips.. I guess this is one very long overdue post. And let's talk about the latest and most important thing in everyone's lives.
Assuming you're an eighteen-year-old. Because if you're not, I assume we'd be talking about last night's soccer match. I do not understand how the hell Israel could beat Russia. But shit happens, and well I think it's okay because I didn't bet on Russia.
Which is a reminder: talkcocksummit has turned eighteen and is eligible to bet with Singapore Pools! Admittedly, though we can talk the cock, money is not funny and so we earn less than we learn.
I digress. Excuse me, I've always been doing that in the past and now is no different. So anyway I was trapped in RJC. I would like to post some pictures, but I don't have a camera and I'm lazy to search it online. Try Googling it.
And don't call me lazy. Our teachers also have done that before. "Hey this is interesting stuff, to know more about *insert insanely complicated shit*, go Google it."
LOL.
Thus the reason for a very good quote today. For those still in the midst of doing the A levels, arguably one of the more important events in your life, always remember this. The world's greatest scientist, Albert Einstein, very famously said:
Don't despair if you do badly. It's not your fault. Every student has a capability to learn and but not every teacher has the capability to teach. By the same argument, when the teachers say students are lazy to learn, it actually means that they're lazy to teach. I'm not talking about my teachers, by the way. I'm just saying IF. You never know - your teacher might just be like that.
That is why do not lapse into self-depression when you do badly. And don't be fooled by your teacher that it's your fault - because they're pushing the blame. In fact, I am a firm believer that you should just heap it all on the teacher, because Albert Einstein says so and before proven wrong, Einstein is always right.
Even though that quote is just one sentence, look beyond its face value. A corollary - that's what you learn from f**king H3 Maths - of Einstein's Teacher Theorem (that's what we'll call it) is that the teacher is always at fault if the problem is due to transferral of knowledge.
Though of course we know that there are other factors as to why a student does not do well. I will take some time to explain this.
1) Luck.
They say "Lady Luck is on your side" when you do well. May I question why Luck must be female? From the student's point of view, Lady Luck always seems to side the girls because from initial observations the girls always do better than the guys in terms of academics. Now, might Lady Luck be lesbian? I doubt it. That is a flawed theory.
Rather, I think Luck must be a guy. He must be a very very perverted guy. In my bloody five examinations in RJC, I have only managed to pass everything on one attempt - the last one. I'm either failing this or failing that.
Where "this" and "that" usually refers to Chemistry, but that's out of point. And I'm out of luck. I find that in cases where luck is involved (ie every case), you never know if the teacher is at fault. Thus we should not unfairly blame teachers.
2) Standards.
Sometimes we sit for a paper expecting it to be similar to what we did in practice. Okay I do not know about you but I expect it ALL THE TIME. But is it so? Well, no.
A study done by a very credible source (myself) has shown that schools' papers are usually out to own your arse. I believe that Cambridge's papers are usually much kinder to us than the school's. In trying some other JC's papers, I thought that if not for RP, I might have been getting my shitass grades elsewhere. Therefore RP is for the win. Though their papers aren't.
In any case my point is that often the schools set tough papers for you. So it's not your fault if you don't do well. It's simply because they plotted it all along. Which means, eh, it's the teacher's fault again! Woohoo!
To evaluate my piece, I would say that both might play an important role in your downfall, assuming you fall. If you aren't the sort to fail at least one common test per.. common test, then you can screw off because I don't like clever people. Or rather I'm insanely jealous of you so I am going to be angry with you.
Whereas some RJC students might say "get out of my elite, uncaring face" I say I do not care about your elite face. Especially if you laugh at me. That is because you only get an advantage due to LUCK and I am suffering because of my teachers. I'm not saying my teacher is bad. I'm just giving a hypothetical situation.
So I've given you a thesis, anti-thesis and synthesis, which would get me a Level 3 answer if I should submit this for an Economics paper (assuming I've inserted some random economics concepts, that's how Econs works - or doesn't). And should I write this for a GP essay, I should expect nothing less than an A grade.
However, life does not always promise you melons if you plant melons. Or rather, that is the case if you should be a student studying in JC. There is a Chinese saying, "种瓜得瓜，种豆得豆。"
Well in the modern context no one really grows melons or beans anymore. Especially not in a technology-intensive and resource-poor Singapore. So don't give me all that crap about you reap what you sow. I can prove to you that it is not true by a converse of the theorem, which yet again is another application of H3 Maths.
Even though I might be writing to you today about how unfair life can be, it doesn't say that my learning is all done in vain. As you can see, I am applying many of the skills I have learnt in JC to talking cock. Therefore learning is a lifelong process. (shown)
As such are the conclusions that I make when I try to prove something that I can't.
You get what I mean. Good luck to all of those still having Biology and Physics papers. You won't be getting your results soon, so you won't have to blame your teachers for them (should they be lousy) too soon. If you do well, then you'd better thank your lucky stars and try not to assume that she's a woman.
All right. With my highly sophisticated argument that has considered many diverse viewpoints, I think I can now end off my post. Though of course as this is talkcocksummit, you shouldn't take everything I said to heart and really go blame your teacher for everything. (Although you can. Einstein is good.)
But if you're a bloody dumbass who refuses to work, then you know you deserve your lousy grades. Ahahahaha. Loser.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Destress!
Have you ever wondered what people do to get extremely good results? Wonder no more! Here is what people actually do to maximise studying time!
#1 Don't care about hygiene. Shaving? That's for wussies. I mean look at Einstein, maybe it's all the hair that made him so smart. Hair=intelligence, doesn't matter where it grows out of. Maybe hair grows at places where there's a brain!
#2 Don't ever dig your nose. I mean, how can you study with your finger up your nose? Your hand would be a distraction while you're doing that. Not good. If your nose gets too clogged up, i recommend the vacuum cleaner. Gets the job done quickly and effectively.
#3 Despite not caring about hygiene, you still have to shit! If you don't shit you become so full of shit that you explode from all that pressure inside. Now what you don't have to do is wipe your ass. Your underwear will do the job for you. If you've ever wondered what underwear is for, that's what it's for.
Don't believe? Let me tell you about the evolution of the human underwear in human culture. Probably all of you know about the loincloth. Different places used different materials to make them. So people living in jungles used leaves, people living in savannahs used grass, and people living on the coast used leaves too (look at Hawaii). And people living in the desert used sandpaper ahaha, the root of grouchiness and resulting violence. But why was there the loincloth? Long time ago, people used leaves, sticks or whatever is at the place where they did their business for the important task of wiping their asses. But then they got sick of picking up something to use, only to find that it has been used by someone else for exactly the same purpose! ewwww. So anyway, they demanded personalised stuff, so someone smart invented the loincloth for wiping ass. It wasn't the cleanest way, but at least you know where it has been, and some are reusable. But slowly, people realised they didn't want others to find out they had just shit from the brown patch on their backside, so what did they do? They invented pants, and the loincloth evolved to become the underwear bcause it was no longer worn on the outside. But sadly, not many people know this piece of history.
#5 Showering. This is optional, for when you have time to enjoy life. Again, let us look at what history can tell us. Long ago, man was purely a land animal who didn't like water, just like the chimpanzees and gorillas. Then one day, while he was sitting on a rock on the seaside, he saw a mermaid. All the hormones sprang to life, and with a perverted grin, outstretched arms and weird grunting noises, the idiot jumped into the sea without a second thought. Needless to say, the man drowned and the mermaid swam away, disappointed. But the family of the drowned guy, who knew what happened, couldn't tell the others that he had been such an idiot. And so they made up a story, saying that the guy went into the sea and enjoyed it so much he floated away and never came back. Some believed it, and lo and behold, man learnt to swim, after much trial and error and deaths. What has this got to do with showering? Nothing. But the only reason i can think of for showering is to avoid body odour. Imagine that we were all selfish people who don't care about others' sense of smell and just stopped showering, and singapore wouldn't have to buy water from malaysia anymore.
#1 Don't care about hygiene. Shaving? That's for wussies. I mean look at Einstein, maybe it's all the hair that made him so smart. Hair=intelligence, doesn't matter where it grows out of. Maybe hair grows at places where there's a brain!
#2 Don't ever dig your nose. I mean, how can you study with your finger up your nose? Your hand would be a distraction while you're doing that. Not good. If your nose gets too clogged up, i recommend the vacuum cleaner. Gets the job done quickly and effectively.
#3 Despite not caring about hygiene, you still have to shit! If you don't shit you become so full of shit that you explode from all that pressure inside. Now what you don't have to do is wipe your ass. Your underwear will do the job for you. If you've ever wondered what underwear is for, that's what it's for.
Don't believe? Let me tell you about the evolution of the human underwear in human culture. Probably all of you know about the loincloth. Different places used different materials to make them. So people living in jungles used leaves, people living in savannahs used grass, and people living on the coast used leaves too (look at Hawaii). And people living in the desert used sandpaper ahaha, the root of grouchiness and resulting violence. But why was there the loincloth? Long time ago, people used leaves, sticks or whatever is at the place where they did their business for the important task of wiping their asses. But then they got sick of picking up something to use, only to find that it has been used by someone else for exactly the same purpose! ewwww. So anyway, they demanded personalised stuff, so someone smart invented the loincloth for wiping ass. It wasn't the cleanest way, but at least you know where it has been, and some are reusable. But slowly, people realised they didn't want others to find out they had just shit from the brown patch on their backside, so what did they do? They invented pants, and the loincloth evolved to become the underwear bcause it was no longer worn on the outside. But sadly, not many people know this piece of history.
#5 Showering. This is optional, for when you have time to enjoy life. Again, let us look at what history can tell us. Long ago, man was purely a land animal who didn't like water, just like the chimpanzees and gorillas. Then one day, while he was sitting on a rock on the seaside, he saw a mermaid. All the hormones sprang to life, and with a perverted grin, outstretched arms and weird grunting noises, the idiot jumped into the sea without a second thought. Needless to say, the man drowned and the mermaid swam away, disappointed. But the family of the drowned guy, who knew what happened, couldn't tell the others that he had been such an idiot. And so they made up a story, saying that the guy went into the sea and enjoyed it so much he floated away and never came back. Some believed it, and lo and behold, man learnt to swim, after much trial and error and deaths. What has this got to do with showering? Nothing. But the only reason i can think of for showering is to avoid body odour. Imagine that we were all selfish people who don't care about others' sense of smell and just stopped showering, and singapore wouldn't have to buy water from malaysia anymore.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
another day in life
It's really really tough studying. And yet i am but one of so zillions of people who are working their ass off for results, an infinitesimally small speck of a vast and wondrous universe. But 星星之火，可以燎原。It's nice to take comfort in and revise chinese.
Contrary to popular belief, working hard doesn't make you stand out. At this time, slacking does. The forests of notes, endless trails of tutorials, coupled with the fact that nothing interesting ever seems to happen in life, and i agree. I mean, what's new in the papers everyday. The war continues in Iraq, explosion, people killed, Iraqis flee. The Amercians keep saying it'll get better, just like i do with my results. Car crash in Singapore, motorcycle crash, drunk driving, someone sentenced to jail. They say, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Yeah the tough go home.
You might think that there's really nothing you can do at home that will be of any great achievement, but some dude in the US has proven you wrong by achieving nuclear fusion at home. It is really complicated, i believe.
There are some things that i would like to understand but am too lazy to find out. Like, why are mountains such cold places? Shouldn't they be hotter cos they're closer to the sun. Random things like that.
Oh right, i saw an eternal optimist in Singapore. I think he's even more optimistic than George Bush about the Iraq war and me about my results. I saw this guy taking 4d tickets from the dustbin and laying them on the ground, checking to see if anyone saw wrongly and threw away a winning ticket by mistake. If he does find one, that would be true luck.
Contrary to popular belief, working hard doesn't make you stand out. At this time, slacking does. The forests of notes, endless trails of tutorials, coupled with the fact that nothing interesting ever seems to happen in life, and i agree. I mean, what's new in the papers everyday. The war continues in Iraq, explosion, people killed, Iraqis flee. The Amercians keep saying it'll get better, just like i do with my results. Car crash in Singapore, motorcycle crash, drunk driving, someone sentenced to jail. They say, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Yeah the tough go home.
You might think that there's really nothing you can do at home that will be of any great achievement, but some dude in the US has proven you wrong by achieving nuclear fusion at home. It is really complicated, i believe.
There are some things that i would like to understand but am too lazy to find out. Like, why are mountains such cold places? Shouldn't they be hotter cos they're closer to the sun. Random things like that.
Oh right, i saw an eternal optimist in Singapore. I think he's even more optimistic than George Bush about the Iraq war and me about my results. I saw this guy taking 4d tickets from the dustbin and laying them on the ground, checking to see if anyone saw wrongly and threw away a winning ticket by mistake. If he does find one, that would be true luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
