Holiday!

Upon entering the alternate reality, when we have no idea what's in store for us, it's a rite of passage for almost all to go on a sweet holiday package not offered to outsiders. Information as follows, take a brochure!

16D/15N Te Kong Delight

offering:

• unspoilt greenery

Trek through the unspoilt primary jungles of Singapore, witness the good, the bad, and the nasty (mother big centipedes that can bite off an ass or two). These jungles are also where you will learn your camping skills and attempt to do stargazing at night.

• swimming pool with sea view

This is quite impressive, it's the only swimming pool in singapore with a sea view. Too bad it's not often that we use it.

• guided tour along Te Kong coastline

This takes place quite early on to introduce the various amenities available to tourists. Subsequently, every morning you are able to enjoy the scenic view when you do a leisurely jog as part of the health and fitness programme.

• all meals included

Can't say the food's good, but it's free what more can you ask for?

• modern department store

This store has most modern conveniences that one needs, but the queer thing is that most of the things are in green or black, but these colours are always in fashion so not to worry.

• watch sunset and stars with friends

So throughout the course of the package, there'll be some ceremonies that occur in the evening and this is the time when you can just stand there and look at the stars. If you're wondering why i keep talking about stargazing, it's because there are so many you can see, as opposed to singapore.

• training programme for optimum fitness

You also have a fitness programme that is tailored for you. It's really progressive training.

• Life coaches with many years of experience

This is of course the best part. It's always the people that make the difference. And the wisdom of the coaches cannot be questioned. Here's their various snippets of wisdom in reaction to everyday events.

When some bugger does something stupid:
"stupid got no medicine".
A profound observation that, in spite of all the advances in medicine and technology, there's no cure for stupidity. With that, he has identified a global problem of vast scale that modern society has not even begun to solve. An oblique critique of the medical system today.

Fun fact of the day:
"by the way, fuck backside very pain".
Yea the lesson ended with this very random and totally irrelevant fun fact. But nonetheless enlightening. I mean, who would know before he said it?

Philosophy on love:
"True love is injection in the middle section without objection"
The source of heated debate for centuries, and we're no closer to an answer, but the coach gives his esteemed opinion.

Scolding someone:
"defunct sperm product"
Finally, one insult that insults the father. Mothers have been having it bad what with all the insults like motherfucker and son of a bitch. This is the age of gender equality.

Praising someone:
"Jonathan's a good boy, he's a virgin"
We didn't really have to know that.

On patience:
"of course must wait la, even pregnant also must wait 9 months"
The usual response to something like this is laughter, then '...' then??? what the hell does pregnancy have to do with anything we're doing?

Synonym for "All of you guys":
"Every father's mother's son"
I have no idea why they would substitute a shorter phrase for a longer phrase, but i assume it's to add emphasis on who they're addressing, and to wake up the people who are sleeping before continuing.

On pain:
"Fuck also pain, no pain no gain, the beauty is at the end"
a rather warped way of using no pain no gain, but effective in conveying the message.

On the wrong attitude:
"Everyday wake up 'Cheebye another day!'"
A comical way of depicting pessimists, but a gross exaggeration because even the diehard pessimists don't start cursing first thing in the morning. But i can imagine this is a good way to vent it when life really sucks that much.


And of course, when inspired by such great language, even young guys come up with memorable quotes.
King kenny:
"The worst 3 days of my life are coming to an end...the 4th is about to start"
well king kenny wasn't exactly an optimist, but this is very quotable.

Come to think of it, despite the fact that virtually all the quotes are grammatically flawed, it was a great lesson on effective communication.

So it was quite an attractive package, though it paled in comparison to the Brunei Bonanza and the Thailand Thong Party that were to follow in terms of adventure. Well, personally i gained some insights after going on Te Kong Delight. Some of them confirm the way i see the world, some of them adjust the way i see the world, and some of them turn me upside down and make me see the world that way.

Hygiene:
The package taught me that hygiene really isn't important. If i already said that in previous posts, i was kidding then. So this time, my hands and fingernails were muddy and all, and water was really meant for drinking, not washing, so with my muddy hands, i took a biscuit and popped it into my mouth. One day, two days, nope no diarrhea. So essentially, all the things that we do for hygiene in our everyday life are somewhat redundant.

Hair:
Have you wondered why Singapore has failed to produce a single rock star? Yea, actors, playwrights, poets, we have them all, but why no rock star, or at least one that i have heard of? That's because singapore guys have a serious lack of hair. Rock stars need hair, because

a) they need to cover up their ugly faces, if only for a moment
b) it can amplify the fact that their heads are grooving along to the music too. In a music hall, if you're botak, the audience sitting some distance away can't really tell whether you're moving your head along or not.
c) hair allows them to have more choices for fashion. If you have hair, you can dye your hair a rainbow hue, come up with funny hairstyles like 10 pigtails, but if you're botak, what are you going to do, paint your head?

Unfortunately, fate hasn't been kind to singaporean guys. Since young, there has been strict hair discipline. In school, there are always hair checks, and the sad thing is you don't know how mild the punishments actually are until you have graduated from school. For example, schools can give you detention but they can't give you confinement. So, in schools, we cut hair, and in te kong, we shave hair, and after that it's too late to be a rock star, or the testosterone catches up and theres a receding hairline. So that's why Singapore has no rock stars!