10 best jobs in the world

http://www.oddee.com/item_96855.aspx, a pity none of them seem to be in singapore.

Chapter 4: Felt like a whore? So did I!

Admittedly, there were times in NS when I felt like I was a dirty whore. It was definitely the closest that I've felt to being a whore in my entire life. In that respect, ns has fulfilled its educational objective. I swear, if I walk past the streets of Geylang at night, I'm sure I'll have a greater sense of empathy for the long-haired people in high heels drinking beer with old men. After all, it wasn't so long ago that I was watching people drink beer in the army mess.

Catering to the not-very-reasonable demands of multiple bosses probably felt something like a whore serving multiple clients, though I expect she'll charge more. And the wholesale disregard for your welfare? Check. Years from now, I'll still be wondering why the fuck did I ever skip lunch to finish up work for somebody else.

Lack of appreciation? Check. After an audit, it's 'thank you everyone for the hard work put in' and then BAM! 'you need to serve extras cos even though the end-result proved ok, in the process you didn't know what you were doing'. That was one of the most pissing off days of my life. I worked overtime for a few weeks so that they could take my weekend away. But in reflection, it was a learning experience.

For one, it was a day of enlightenment for me. The incident told me that whatever I did scarcely matters, that nobody gives a fuck about me. Seen in another light, it means I don't have to seek to impress anyone, I don't have to give a fuck either. It's like the philosophy in Fight Club, where you have to lose everything so that you can do anything, well sort of. A transcendent experience.

Seen in another light, it also helps in anger management, because if I had done something stupid like punch someone, then I wouldn't be at home shaking leg and posting this. Another educational experience. I think I'd better stop before everyone thinks the world of NS.

There! The last chapter! Honestly the memories fade away pretty quickly, there's a lot that we forget, especially unpleasant experiences, I guess that's what most blogs are for, to whine and rant, and to remember the things that were worth whining and ranting about.

Chapter 3: Sleepless Sunday Nights

Ah wells, those sleepless sunday nights are a thing of the past, at least until I get a proper job or school starts. Now, the only reason I can't sleep at night would be cos I sleep too much in the afternoon. yay.

Still, memories of those nights have taught me a great deal. (don't be fooled into thinking this sentence connects logically with the sentences below.)

a) Uncertainty is a multiplier of fear

Often, when you step back and think, you'd realise there's nothing to be afraid of, for example, if you're late or didn't do an assignment or misplaced an isac card (computer card in army), there's actually nothing much to it. Or in basic camp, when the most for a minor offence was push-ups, there was nothing much to fear. But uncertainty loomed and we were all scared shitless. We should all learn to embrace fear, and I recommend Harold and Kumar go to Guantanamo Bay

b) Stupidity is good

When you're universally acknowledged to be incompetent, everyone lowers their expectations of you, and that is good. Because at least in NS, dignity doesn't count for anything, cos you don't have any to begin with. Like that time I had a free off cos I went for a medical appointment on the wrong day.

c) Work is never-ending, but life isn't

Usually, we forget this fact when we are swamped, when the boss is squeezing the balls. We fail to realise that all his ball-squeezing are for his benefit and not us. Anyway, i've known from experience that starting work early has absolutely no correlation with ending work early, so it really doesn't hurt to take a nap in the morning, and then again in the afternoon.

d) Slack jobs are not always the best

As an enlightened guy in my camp said, you might sleep so much you just don't wake up.

e) Shit falls on Fridays

This is an immutable fact. Shit never came in so many forms and flavors as on a Friday afternoon. So make sure you get your ass covered. Don't ask me I don't know how, if I knew I wouldn't have been the last one leaving the camp for so many Fridays.

f) You think you own a handphone. Guess what? The handphone owns you now.

Has your heart been conditioned so that it drops like a stone when your handphone rings? If so, you are officially the property of your handphone and the slave of the evil forces that lurk on the other end. Evil forces that have the power over your weekends. Somebody should really do a comic about this.

And that's all for this chapter. About one more chapter to go!

A leg brace ain't enough to get you a seat in Singapore

For those who know me, you'll know that i've been wearing this leg brace, something like below, except mine is sexier.




















An important thing to note for those who intend to get sexy like me is that it's not enough to get you a seat in Singapore's trains. A leg brace just doesn't smack hard enough in commuters' conscience, or they may simply lack one. I got onto the train towards pasir ris at queenstown and had to stand until raffles place.

And even then, it wasn't as if somebody gave their seat up. I had to say " FUCK OFF ASSHOLES THAT'S MY SEAT" before charging through with my fist and plonking my ass down.

But that is not to say that Singaporeans are discourteous. I can think of a host of reasons for why nobody gave their seat up to me.

1. All those sitting down were genuinely asleep, eyes closed or otherwise.

2. All those sitting down were tourists or foreign workers. This would mean that Singaporeans aren't the discourteous ones.

3. Everyone was too busy staring at my handsome face to notice that I was wearing a leg brace. Honestly, I like this reason best. Anyway, one of the ladies who had been fighting with me for the seat later said, "I'm sorry I didn't see your leg brace." Point proven.

Room for improvement:
In order to get a seat in the train, it would be necessary to bring along 2 crutches. I really can't see how that can fail. If you still cannot get a seat, then just jab the crutch at the nearest guy and see if he takes the hint. Too extreme? Then just drop the crutches on his legs accidentally, and repeat that until he takes the hint. Speaking of crutches, i've got a pair for sale, who wants?

Chapter 2: The Most Dangerous Thing in NS is a Sense Of Responsibility

hmm let's hope that the title isn't the most interesting part of the chapter.

So in any new working environment, the new guy would need time to fit in. Chances are that he's a decent bloke who wants to make a good impression, on his bosses, on the people around him. In the present age of high unemployment, such behaviour makes perfect sense, because unemployment looms menacingly. So that's what most nsfs do.

Except that it doesn't bring much benefit. Because bosses know that you're going to ord anyway. Because bosses don't really give a hoot about welfare unless it gets them into trouble. And because the sense of responsibility is sometimes a parasite that eats away at the soul.

But without a moral compass that is this article, most fail to maximise their time in ns.

The blabber above can be summarised in : Only the good feel guilty.

Chapter 1: Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

This is going to be the start of a mini-series on ns life (well what other life do i have?). It's probably going to start in a chronological order, and end in total disorder. In fact there may be some repetition since i've already written on the Te Kong Delight in December last year, see http://talkcocksummit.blogspot.com/2008/12/holiday.html.

Let's start by talking about comfort. It's not something we can readily define. Is it picture-perfect like sipping champagne on a yacht somewhere in the Mediterranean? Or is it something as simple as eating a bag of potato chips? It's a real mystery. But being able to piss after the 10th water parade certainly felt quite comfortable. As did going home for a few hours after a week of abuse. It's really quite amazing what suffering one can put up with as long as it's in a group.

One of the starting phrases introduced is: GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE.
And my reply would be yea, as soon as you stick your finger up your ass permanently. That can't be very comfortable, and you would definitely leading by example. Not that I would necessarily follow. I think God meant for our rear ends to be one way streets outwards.
Thus, learning point 1: Don't ask me to get out of my comfort zone.

Another topic is leadership. This is a difficult thing to define, cos let's say I'm walking in front of a large crowd towards somewhere, maybe the toilet. Just as i reach the entrance i turn around and tell all those behind me, " Lo and behold, worship me, for i have led you to the promised land!" I'm quite sure the crowd would just shove me aside. Their full bladders were leading them to the toilet anyway, so i could not be the leader. If on the other hand, i make others do what they don't want to do, that is the mark of a true leader.

In the army, though, few are the places where the people are going anyway. The only thing everyone would automatically go for is book out, so doing anything else requires a leader, such as running through a forest with a heat rash on the back, and then waking up to do it again in the middle of the night.
Thus, learning point 2:
army produces leaders because there's so many opportunities to make people do what they do not want to do.

Car of thought

I don't like cars. I can't tell a Mercedes from a BMW, nor a Jaguar from a Lamborghini. To me, boasting about how fast your car can go is the same as boasting about how rich your parents are. Doesn't reflect anything and it doesn't impress me.

Doesn't make sense? Well this is talk cock summit. Get used to it noob!

Much as I don't like cars, I still have this male ego in me. Which means I like one-upmanship or at least, the feeling of being equal. I can't stand not having something everyone else has. Unless that thing is something which I think I don't want - which okay, doesn't make me very much of a one-upmanship sorta person.

But the driving licence is an exception. So when others have it I must have it too.

Recently I've started taking lessons - and in fact I've just finished one of those mind-numbing sessions where my instructor forces me to go round and round and round because my engine keeps fucking stalling one way or another. Either that or it bumps along.

I think I listen to too much of gold 90. I can't hear whatever he's saying anymore. But at this rate I'm never going to take my test.

Presenting to you the culprit: THE CLUTCH.

Of course you could say "dumb fuck, sign up for auto" but this male ego thing is really too overwhelming. At the expense of sounding like a chauvinist let's just say if the FEMALES (this ought to add to the chauvinist factor) can do MANUAL, I'd better be able to do it too.

Plus, everyone around me is taking manual. So why should I succumb to auto? This introduced me to the world of engine stalling. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so impressionable, but that's besides the point.

The point now is that most cars in Singapore are using auto. So far all my friends that pass their driving tests are using auto cars. Hence fucking manual is outdated. Which brings up to another new point - who invented the clutch?

It only makes sense that technology progresses forward, not backward. And if you were to represent the auto and manual cars mathematically:

Manual car = Clutch + Accelerator + Brake
Auto car = Accelerator + Brake

Hence, auto car is simpler and should be invented first. So who the fuck was the kanchiong spider that invented the manual first and caused the world so much trouble? By the fact the manual car was invented first, there are so many of them around and it's hard to get rid of a few millions of cars so I have to learn the manual way.

The auto car, on the other hand, is elegant and is now taking over the world. Its driving should not be unlike those in an arcade, with only two pedals. Sounds like my kind of stuff.

Fuck, if Daytona had a clutch pedal when you played manual, I guarantee you no one would be playing their silly racing games. And by the way, I always use auto to play Daytona. That gives you an impression of what a lazy bum I am.

So that aside, whoever invented cars must have been a very weird person. How can you possibly invent something one step ahead of a future invention? It's like inventing the handphone before the telephone - because by a simple mathematical equation:

Telephone: Communication ability
Handphone: Communication ability + Portability

Whoever invented the car jumped the queue, and now millions of people are paying the price for it when they take their manual lessons.

Okay fine I just suck at driving. Doggone it!

CHEER YOU UP!

I have a very important question. Does the following cheer you up?




















Just want to know whether it's me who has a perception problem or Giordano designers with their CHEER YOU UP campaign. I don't feel cheered up by the shirt, it looks like a dead guy with a smile.

The only customers I can think of are necrophilics, who hopefully aren't in abundance in Singapore. The whole idea of cheering up the living with the dead seems to have originated from Korea, where MC Yoo and Jang Dong Gun are endorsing the idea. But i seem to be the odd one out who doesn't like the shirt, because when i google "cheer you up giordano" all that comes out are the marketing campaigns, desperate angmohs looking for the shirts and even offering to buy second hand ones cos the shirt's mostly meant for asia, and other random people exhorting about how cute the shirt is. I scrolled through 5 pages of 10 results and there's not a single criticism of the shirt. Fucking incredible. And I stopped looking after 5 pages because I give up on you, world.

It creeps me out but because Giordano is all over Singapore, and occasionally people buy it, I'm forced to see this shit. Frankly, all this shows is that Giordano has a very good marketing department in that they can sell a t-shirt with a lousy design that doesn't make sense for a decent price, which is more than we can say for a lot of talented designers. So seeing how giordano has pimped their shirts, we at talkcocksummit are more than inspired to make our own and cheer you up. Stay tuned.

Work and Stress

After about a week at work, it's blindingly obvious that it's not very good for health. Stress has been blamed for everything from natural disasters such as earthquakes (stress at points where tectonic plates meet) to serial killers (school schooters and stabbers must have been pretty stressed up) to suicide cases (nothing new there). Work causes stress, and by work I mean a chore that you don't actually like doing, but you do it for money, or simply because you're forced to, like half the population in singapore. Though they'd like you to think you're doing it for pride, honour, glory, family, friends, country, security, society, anything but forced labour.

Back to stress. It differs very much in the work that is bring done, but one can tell the nature of the work from the stress levels. Let's illustrate an example in a graph, because they make everything look professional, and everyone fall asleep.
























The x-axis shows the time, and the y axis shows stress levels. I would believe stress is normally measured by blood pressure, but in this case i shall use cm^3 instead, the assumption being that if the stress levels are more than the volume of the brain, the brain will just explode. But i digress.

This graph depicts the profile of someone who goes "above self, beyond duty, many extras". The day starts off relatively calmly at 8am. Optimism is in the air, it is going to a great day of accomplishment and satisfaction, and you have the world at your feet. It's as if everyone standing up is giving you a standing ovation to celebrate your messianic presence at work. You enjoy the peaceful walk to your office, and your stress levels instantly increase upon seeing that stack of paper on your table. But sitting at the table, surrounded by your dear friends Printer, Computer, Pen and Paper, it's impossible not to get a warm feeling of familiarity. Getting 'in the zone', one draws up a to-do list and it's almost like conquering the world. On a high, adrenaline rush, it seems as though one can finally reach the holy grail of productivity. Thus, the stress levels remain relatively stable till about 12.

Then, it's time for lunch, time to think about where to eat. A little stressful sometimes, especially when the food sucks, but it's not really a problem. After lunch, it gets really tiring, and all that has been done for the day is the to-do list. So it's a dilemna. To sleep or not to sleep? If you sleep, precious time is lost, and if you don't, you're incapacitated mentally.

And as you decide, time ticks by anyway oblivious to your whining, and in the end you fall asleep anyway, because it's hard to stay awake. Wake up at 3, and realise it's really really close to the magical time of 5pm. Try to change the world again, but people won't pick up your calls, or not in, or whatever. You realise that it's ultimately futile, and continue to lay in a collapsed heap at your desk. That is, until 5pm acutually hits like a sledgehammer to your frontal cortex. There are 2 options:

a) fuck off and go home

b) stay and work and feel pathetic

b is the option shown by the graph above, because when 6pm hits and then 7pm, there's an increasing sense of desperation as each hour at work leads to one less hour at home enjoying. And finally, the brain can't take it anymore and explodes, leading to a bunch of happy retards running around at work. And that is the end state.

A Tale of Two Andys

First of all, no matter how realistic the story below sounds, it is entirely a work of fiction. Just a very realistic work of fiction.

How do great stories start? What the fuck i try to think of a great chapter 1 and all that comes to my pathetic mind are " A dark and stormy night" (Snoopy style), "RRing! My alarm clock rang"(primary school style) and "With the advent of globalisation in the blahblahblah" (jc style). That's 12 years of education and 2 years of degeneration for you.

So it's off to copy a great beginning, because copying is really the greatest form of flattery and what better story to mimick than Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities. Well if you've never read the story before, fear not, because i haven't either, other than the kiddies' abridged version. Fortunately, there's always sparknotes for those who love to pretend to have a more literary background than they actually have. I've even very kindly included the link "http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/twocities/section2.rhtml" for those among you who got Excuse Typing.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. It was the age of stupid pple, it was the age of stupid things. It was the epoch of no off, it was the epoch of no leave. It was the season for flu, it was the season for MC. It was shit in spring, ITS ORD IN NOVEMBER! and such was the entire setting of the story, because i have the attention span of a hamster and i can't even finish reading sparknotes.

On this fateful day, I woke up with a start. My eyes turned to the clock instinctively. It read 7.45am, and the fucking phone was vibrating against my wooden table again. As my hand reached out to grab it, i dreamt of that beautiful november day when evil spirits would stop using the phone to manipulate my soul.

"Hi, this is your slave here, how would you like to abuse me today?" I chirped in my most cheerful voice.

"You gotta go to court today." The evil spirit's message reverberated through my heart, my soul, and every sinew of my iron-marked body. Still I had my brain with me, so I was shocked.

"What the hell did I do? If im going to jail for punching somebody, it'll be nice to actually have punched somebody! And there's no lack of people in mind!" i replied good-naturedly.

"Your colleague Andy is going to get charged. So you have to be there." was the terse reply.

"Oh ok. I'll go. Andy's a great guy." I said, obviously under some Jedi mindtrick.

With that, the connection ended, and i lapsed onto my bed, exhausted. But there was no time to to relax, for i had to get into some decent clothes and fast. So in the end, i got there with Andy, don't ask me how, use your own godamn imagination for a change (and don't say im lazy!).

I have never been to the court before, so it was an eye-opener of sorts. Here are a list of things that i recommend that you do not bring there.

1. gold bar
2. the memento piece that you chipped off the Eiffel Tower
3. anus ring (if it exists)

simply because there are metal detectors. There's no check of identification, so if at any time you feel that life is meaningless or that you simply want to prove to yourself you aren't that forsaken by God after all, compared with other people, you could swagger into the place and witness the full power of the law, assuming you don't have an anus ring.

So i strode into the courtroom with andy. It wasn't like any place i've been before. One bored looking dude also known as the judge sat behind a high wooden table sounding very irritated, and he had every reason to be. From his high perch (probably signifying his moral high ground) he could probably see the mass of humanity, all on the fringes of society awaiting his judgement before he could finally go home and take a shower.

So i sat down and waited. It was cramped and uncomfortable, like waiting at any other government body, except that there was no queue number. It's a simple case of get up on the stand when your name is called, and the system is flawless. That is the power of the law. No matter how many tattoos the guy has, he's still punctual. I mean, try getting a battalion of NSFs to arrive on time for an outcamp run, and 'er. i got stomachache' or 'wah sorry i didn't know i took the bus in the wrong direction'.

One distinct difference between the court and other government waiting rooms was the undeniable sense of anxiety, even though there were so many people moving around looking busy, seeming even chaotic at times. And so it was in this uncomfortable atmosphere that i waited for the verdict. I could see the defendants take their stand one after the other in front of the irritated judge, and finally andy's verdict came.

I waited with bated breath, only for the prosecution to say, " Your honour, we are not ready, please give us another 2 weeks".

I can't remember the jargon that the judge said, but it amounted to 'ok whatever'.

Well i was kidding about the bated breath that part, because andy told me that particular court acted as a coordinator of sorts, throwing cases to different courts, and didn't do the dirty job of sentencing. What the verdict meant was andy got his freedom for another month, since it took that long for a case to move through the bowels of the courts before squeezing out a verdict.

So this Andy got his freedom, albeit for a short while.

So now it's time to see the other Andy, this time for my freedom, from the pain and suffering bugging my knee of course. It was my first time meeting this other Andy, and he promised to relieve me of my suffering. It's going to be a long time, but i'll deal with it. I'm not going to talk about this other Andy cos he's a mysterious fellow. So unlike Charles Dickens' famed novel, this particular story won't have a touching, moralistic, complete ending. That is also a reason why I don't write novels.

Instead, I shall be a complete fraud and edit his ending. With the help of the second Andy, i hope to have a far, far better rest, than i have ever had, for these 1 year 10 months. The End.

Soccer blues

There are two things a man likes: soccer and sex.

Maybe I generalise, but I can tell you these are two things any normal man would like. Doesn't interest you? Probably means you need to go for a checkup.

Recently Caster Semenya, winner of the females' 800m in Munich, came under fire for looking like a man and behaving like a man. If you observe her name.. Semen, ya? You realise that there are so many redeeming points for her.. to be a man.

Check out that six-pack. I couldn't have asked for a better one myself. But that's not the point. Given that a female can be a male; likewise we can say a male can be a female.

So if you don't like soccer and sex, better go for a checkup.

As the new Premiership season kicks off, I guess most men can get their weekly fix of soccer, me included. Thank goodness. I was going mad every weekend sitting in front of the computer not knowing what to do. And there's nothing to blog about without the soccer.

But I find that I get more than I bargain for. Because even though I aim to talk about man's first love, soccer, this one inevitably crosses the boundary to the second. (even though obviously there's no direct link)

Such gay tendencies. Man, it is one thing to have R-21 movies in cinemas; but having these images where young impressionable kids are able to uh, get influenced are just unacceptable.

Maybe we should consider soccer a R-21 sport. And they should issue yellow cards for such unconventional behaviour.

I don't know what else to say. Frankly I could blog more since this topic is so controversial, but in the army, my language lets me down. As the army highly emphasises on progressive training, I won't keep this post too long.

I need to watch my weekly fix of soccer. And I've wasted 15 minutes of time blogging this.

Till next week, then.

Where in the world is Mas Selamat?

I am very disturbed by the Mas Selamat case. It does not make sense for a man to have disappeared into thin air. Even if he has a huge underground cavern or has escaped to Malaysia, it cannot be that no-one has seen him doing that after he was found missing.

Even the vigilant lions couldn't get him. So where in the world is Mas Selamat?

Well I was striving for an answer, and it came in the most unlikely form: an old Puffin classic by Robert Louis Stevenson: Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

So a little book review for the uninitiated. Dr Jekyll is one who believes in the two-ness of man, speaking of which maybe I should say "Dr Jekyll is TWO who believes in the two-ness of man." Because Dr Jekyll is not actually one, but two.

Anyway the name Jekyll already sounds pretty suspicious. If you were to dissect his name into "je" and "kyll" - "je" being the translation of "I" in French, and "kyll" being a misspelling off the word "kill". Put together: I kill.

Looks like Mr Hyde isn't quite disinclined to do that. Anyway Dr Jekyll believes that there are two sides to a man so he concocts a potion and he becomes another man. I bloody wish I'm able to do that. Imagine how powerful that is.

Still at the end of the day it's a story. And we all know experiments more often end up in failure than in success. Should the two-ness of men and Dr Jekyll's secret recipe really exist, then that AWOL personnel from 42 SAR would have never been found and returned to DB.

Like how Mr Hyde could get away with his crimes, perhaps that is the case with Mas Selamat. He could be among us, he could be anyone around above suspicion. That is the scary bit. And while at first you might be able to get a clue about Mas Selamat, now that he's totally missing there's no telling who was him or who he was.

Sounds confusing?

Well maybe your father was missing during one of their plots. Or maybe while Mas Selamat was in jail you didn't see your best friend at all. Very suspicious. Now that he's totally gone there's nothing to compare with and nothing to assure yourself that you could be right next to him.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

But there is a good side to it. As Dr Jekyll found himself unable to resist turning to Mr Hyde when he ran out of the salt to concoct his brew, maybe Mas Selamat also can't find his solution to turn him back into the evil man that he is.

Oh well, for every action there must be an equal reaction from the opposite direction. Thus for one good man that has turned into a bad man irreversibly, there is a bad man who has turned into a good man irreversibly.

That man is Mas Selamat. Elementary, my dear Watson.

Freakonomics

Freakonomics is a book about statistics, and the most interesting deduction it made that stayed in my mind was that lower crime rates were due to the enactment of the right to abort some time back, and the author makes use of statistics to prove that point. He links seemingly non-related stuff to prove that they actually might have causal effects on each other. So i found that case interesting, but it's a pity the rest of the book was such a snore. Freakonomiczzz.

So if i extrapolate that concept, here goes, let's say you're a guy, you're in a public toilet and there's a queue for the urinals. Whether there's a queue or not would seem to have no effect on the amount of time each guy takes. But if you actually stood there and recorded down the time taken, it would probably be faster when there's a queue. Cos who would relish the feeling of someone breathing down their necks while their private parts are public parts? Perhaps with the exception of gays, and even then, very perverted gays. So the emphasis would be to be done as quickly as possible without wetting the pants.

I'm not really sure what relevance the previous paragraph had, but if you've read it, thanks for your patience. Crap aside, we've come to the gist of this post, which is that i've thought of a new economic indicator. There's always doubt as to when the economy is really recovering and when we should invest in stocks, and this is where my indicator is a reliable gauge. You simply have to count the number of people who buy Toto and 4D everyday. The greater the number of people, the worse the recession. Don't believe me? See for yourself, it's a recession now, and you don't see the crowds at singaporepools thinning. In fact, hope springs eternal, so the more desperate the people, the more Toto and 4D they buy. Probability of striking Toto when you buy one combination is 1 out of 8145060 and 1 out of 10000 for 4D for your information. You'd have to be pretty lucky to strike Toto, less so for 4D. Or you could try your luck in another way. Wait for the 10million jackpot, buy all 8145060 combinations, and hope that no one strikes too. Though going by history, that is quite impossible. Somehow, human nature has it that the more desperate the person, the more he will resort to things with low probability of success (getting away with robbing a bank, buying big sweep) Back to the economic indicator, you can plot a graph using the data that you have amassed standing outside singapore pools outlets, preferably with graphmatica, free software for schoolkids. The number of people placing bets is expected to increase with the deterioration of the economy, so when the human traffic falls, be ready to buy some stocks because a market recovery is just around the corner. But as they say, trading is a hard way to make an easy buck.

Mobile TV Rockz My Sockz!

Seen the advertisement on mobile tv that starts with a sneeze, another sneeze and then warns the public on the dangers of flu? Well i sneezed for real just after the moment that dude on tv does, right into the funky hairdo of the chick sitting in front of me. whoops. She turned around and stared at me with daggers in her eyes, wanting to kill me, and so i took the opportunity to sneeze a second time, a gigantic 'AH-CHOO' right into her bitchy face. And then i gave her my don't-give-me-your-flu look. What a day.

DC: WHAT WOULD HITLER DO (WWHD) IF HE WAS PRESIDENT: A FINAL RESOLUTION TO THE OBESITY (FAT) PROBLEM

A Background

According to the US National Institutes of Health, 66% of all US adults are overweight or obese; 31.4% of all US adults are obese. That comrades, mean that 1 in 3 people you meet on the streets of America looks like this:


















And out of the remaining 2, 1 will look like this:




















Of course, people resembling exhibit A do not usually appear on the streets because it’s such a damn difficult task for them to walk, but NIH stats are NIH stats.

WWHD
Now, imagine if a Mad Scientist miraculously resurrected Herr Adolf and put him in charge of the United States; what would he think?





















And more importantly, what would he do?
Let’s take a look:

1. Make soap.

It was widely believed that the Nazis made soap from Jewish bodies during the War, but this has been officially denied by both Germans and Jews. Maybe human fat was just unsuitable for soap production, or perhaps the concentration camps and forced labour burned off all the fats and there were none left. If it was the latter, then the problem has now been resolved, and a brand new industry is ready to take flight.




















2. Execute invalids.
















"This person suffering from hereditary defects costs the community 60,000 Reichsmark during his lifetime. Fellow German, that is your money, too."


The NIH estimates the cost of obesity to be $117 bn. That comrades, is USD 1.17 x 1011. Fellow Americans, that is your money, too.

3. Ban fattening foods.

According to a 10-things-you-didn’t-know-about-Hitler site, Hitler did this with one of his girlfriends:
She killed herself after being actively pursued by Hitler. He was grief stricken, and felt compelled to attend the autopsy. Afterwards, he refused to eat meat, and took every opportunity to ruin meat for others. He would often make jokes about preparing a pudding made from his blood, and called beef broth "corpse tea"
And allegedly, Hitler regularly ate up to two pounds of chocolate a day, in addition to pastries and hot chocolate with copious amounts of whipped cream. He generally took his tea with seven
teaspoons of sugar, and Ernst Hanfstaengl once witnessed Hitler adding spoonfuls of sugar to a glass of red wine.

Given the tendency demonstrated in excerpt 1 and the habit in excerpt 2, it would be no surprise if he outright banned soda, whipped cream, whoppers, nachos, etc, etc. and prohibited the sale of food to individuals over a certain BMI. This should instigate a massive lobbying campaign from major F&B industry players, but the SS is really good at negotiating quick, quiet and peaceful resolutions to such problems, especially if the CEO was a Jew, so it’s A-OK.
4. Sabotage the enemy.
Obesity is a debilitating affliction. Allegedly, 16% of US army men are obese and obesity is the top cause of discharge of soldiers from service. If a weapon could be developed that made all the enemy fat, any war could then be easily won!





















-dc

Article Review (from The Sun)

It's that time of the year again, when I feel very politician-like. This gives me a need to comment on some social issues. You see, there aren't any elections going around, so perhaps that explains why I feel that way.

The Sun (go wiki it yourself lazy bitch) is a British paper more known for its page 3 than anything else. But a good friend of mine brought to my attention about this 13-year-old father and it seemed very amusing. After all some people only mature at 13, and in fact that could have well been the case.

I was enraptured by this little crazy bastard. The starting went something like this:

BOY dad Alfie Patten yesterday admitted he does not know how much nappies cost — but said: “I think it’s a lot.”

Sounds like a typical quote you could get from a normal dumb jock American. But this reply is more classic than saying Singapore is in China, because at least that's an attempt to smoke - but this is displaying open stupidity.

The link is http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece, go have a read before you continue otherwise it wouldn't make any sense. Either way if you don't that's okay because I'm going to quote some really good ones from there.

But you should have a look at the picture. The girl is rather ugly in my opinion so who in the right mind would want to have underage sex with her. That's an unnecessary risk for an unnecessary girl. Though of course they can't charge the boy because he's underage too. What the heck.

Oh wait, but maybe under British law they aren't underage. This however doesn't change the fact that their minister does not condone it.

Alfie's story, broken exclusively by The Sun today has sparked a huge political storm with Tory leader David Cameron saying: "When I saw these pictures this morning, I just thought how worrying that in Britain today children are having children.

"I hope that somehow these children grow up into responsible parents but the truth is parenthood is just not something they should be thinking about right now."

"Children are having children" - I like that. But the British minister is some spoilsport. Who says a 13-year-old cannot be responsible? After all life is a learning process and in certain instances you have to be thrown into the deep end to learn. So how is that worrying?

If that should happen in Singapore and if I were a minister I would be more like, "Encouraging parenthood at an early age will better equip modern-day teenagers with skills they could use in the future. Also as it solves our growing population problems, I don't really see it as a problem. In fact young enterprising parents should be given bonuses for the kind act of delivering lives unto this world."

By having kids at 13 and assuming your child has similar genes, it means one can be a grandparent by the age of 26. Then you can 共享天伦。(enjoy familial ties) And speaking of which if this goes on you could be a great-great-great-grandparent by the age of 65 and that would truly bring out the meaning in 传宗接代。What's not to like about that?

And there won't be worries of having an ageing population. Oh no, I think young Alfie Patten has just found the solution to our "greying population" miles and miles away. Some might argue that the economic crisis has made it more difficult to raise kids, but if you ask me is your money or your family more important?

Money = Gone when you're dead
Family = Generations to come even after you're dead

So I would suggest that if you're already past the age of 13 and all grown-up, it's not too late to make a positive difference to the lives of young Singaporeans. Teach your children the value of sex early, and the moment they teeter on the brink of their teenage years you can get them to screw the neighbour. "Love thy neighbour", did they not say?

And poof, many many generations to come!

Nevertheless the article ends with an anti-climax, like wtf because:

Britain’s youngest known father is Sean Stewart. He became a dad at 12 when the girl next door, 15-year-old Emma Webster, gave birth in Sharnbrook, Bedford, in 1998. They split six months later.

Now this is a fricking joke gone bad because that increases the chance the kid would grow crazy due to his broken family. And by the way I do hope this Emma Webster looks at least similar to Emma Watson or otherwise it might be another case of young boys screwing ugly young girls because they want to explore the birds and the bees.

But all that said, I was still compelled to find out what had driven this little boy to do such an outrageous act. I mean, even though it's not necessarily a bad thing, it remains a very rarely-seen thing and it's one of the more extreme cases of the world. Needless to say I got the answer through careful inspection of the article.

Here it is:

Dennis, who works for a vehicle recovery firm, described Alfie as “a typical 13-year-old boy”.

He said: “He loves computer games, boxing and Manchester United.”

Well, no f**king wonder, then.

dc : The Meaning of Life

What is the meaning of life? There is no answer. Why? Because the question is stupid, that’s why.

Think about it: what on earth do we (no pun) mean by the meaning of life? A symbol has a meaning; a sentence has a meaning, but life? The fact is, ‘meaning’ is not an attribute something like ‘life’ can possess. Indeed, the question is akin to asking: what is the meaning of an orange?

Many claim to know an answer to this ubiquitous question, but they are mistaken. ‘Love thy neighbor’ is not the meaning of life; ‘be happy’ is not the meaning of life. These are directions on how to live your life, not its intrinsic meaning. “Step on the gas and control the wheel” and “just floor it” are how to drive a car, not the meanings of a car. You may think, “Wtf is a meaning of a car!?” I could ask you the same about life.

Contributed by dc (because we're lazy)

The most wonderful ideas come out of the toilet bowl

It occurred to me that the ideas that I have that i find the most interesting, almost invariably comes when i'm doing something mundane. Such as studying for the A levels. Or pushing paperwork. Or, as the title of this entry suggests, sitting in the toilet. In fact, the existence of this blog itself might have to thank some common test. And it's probably during one of these zen-like sessions that I came up with the following observations that are often taken for granted, in our everyday lives and concluded that our lives simply don't make sense.

Have you ever wondered why they don't bother building a fence around HDB estates? It's cos we're poor, nothing much to steal. We pity the poor no-lifer who has to steal from HDB occupants. We might even give away some stuff to you, and then say hi to you when we meet again in the Toto queue!

Moving on, have you ever wondered why there's a fence around condominiums? Cos there's stuff to steal. Lounge chairs, gym equipment, table tennis tables, even pool tables. Or you could use detergent and wash clothes in the condo swimming pool, since nowadays water very expensive and wash clothes need a lot a lot of water.

So, why are the fences around landed properties usually so low?
Requires a bit more brainpower, but that's obviously because they have so much that they know you can't possibly take enough to to hurt them in any significant way. In other words, burglars, please help yourselves. Thinking for the burglar, I would think that it's very labour-intensive to keep carting furniture to the hideaway. The logistics involved (getaway lorry) would be much of a headache, which is rather unnecessary as we shall see. The 3G (3rd generation) burglar will scale the wall with a high-resolution handycam in hand. He proceeds to take videos of the occupants in sex positions at night. And if the shooting angle is wrong or some cock-up (wah punz) such that he needs a reshoot, he can just shout, "EH CB CAN DO IT PROPERLY OR NOT!", and siam for a while. The involved occupants may be startled and may go around looking for the burglar, but they won't find him la, if he knows how to camouflage properly. If he don't know means he chaokeng during ns. So after a futile search, the occupants (actually might as well call them pornstars) will go back to their room uneasily. But that's not the end of the story, cos according to an expert (lazy so i only find one)
http://www.counterpunch.org/block10292005.html, sex and fear seem to go hand in hand, so all the fear will make them do it again and the burglar can then climb out and do a reshoot. Then the burglar tries to sell the saucy video back to the participants. Some people call it blackmail. whatever. If the people buy it, it's a win-win situation, because otherwise, the burglar wouldn't get anything except police arrests if they post it online. Who else would want to see it anyway?

Another thing about modern society is how much we waste energy. I don't mean all of us should take on the big projects like Al Gore's movie that don't really help much, in fact i think it makes the matter worse. We should seek to understand why people today:

a) run on the treadmill, but drive for the shortest distances
and then complain that cars pollute the earth

b) Lift weights, but abhor manual labour
With such contribution to the world, it's no wonder the earth is in such a sorry state

This almost makes me want to invent foot-powered wheelchairs and solar-powered torchlights.

And here's something that boggles the mind: http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22556281-661,00.html

yl explains leverage

Nowadays with the financial crisis in full swing, talking about finance very in. Newspaper, newsweek all saying the same things. Like why part A of the economy sucks, why part B of the economy sucks, that's why everybody suck thumb. That is now la. Not so long ago, i read this column by a financial expert in newsweek say the drop in stock prices is just a 'short-term correction', cheemology for singing "if we hold on together, I know our dreams(of getting rich) will never die". Now become 'if we hold on to the stocks together, all of us will die together'. There's so many explanations for why the whole financial crisis happen, but i think those reporters just pangsai out something to make a living la, regardless of whether they actually know what's happening or not, unlike me cannot make any money writing. Actually, whether you understand the financial crisis or not also doesn't matter, because you also cannot do anything about it. Even the people who are doing something about it also don't understand it, so no point, end up just fight. But i just want to explain what is leverage for fun.

Leverage is simply borrowing, like how companies on Wall Street borrow to make money (and now lose money). But let me illustrate this with an example everyone can relate to, at the same time teach you all some survival skills.

Let's say you got no money. But you're hungry, so you go to Macdonald's. You look around, and you spy someone who has just bought an extra value meal. You think, where does that extra value go to? Must be for me la. So you approach that someone, and ask in your most charming way, can I have a few pieces of your fries? Smitten, the person says yes, albeit reluctantly. With that legitimate piece of consent, you turn into a food monster and grab half of the fries, and put it on another tray which you have koped earlier on. But you're not done yet. You also grab the fries container from the shocked someone's tray. Finally done with the food rape, you remember what your mama told you and say 'thank you'. (I believe investment bankers are polite people too) Now the proud owner of half a packet of fries, is it time to enjoy the fruits of someone else's labour? Not so fast. You have to be hungrier than that! Instead, you don't touch the half packet of fries and you head towards the cashier with it. You say in a polite voice, "Excuse me, I think the fries are overcooked." You eyeball the cashier and maintain a solemn face as he gives you his WTF expression. If you sense resistance, or some tension, you go for the jugular and say, "Yes, it's overcooked, would you like to try some of it?" At this point, in all probability, the cashier will give in and give you a whole new packet of freshly-ccoked fries. It's not his store after all. He's just a poor cashier forced to deal with hungry psychotic people. He'll give anything to make them go away. Now what you do next really depends on your level of greed. You could eat your fries, though thats too easy for you. Or you could divide your fries, kope another fries container from the dustbin or someone else and repeat the steps, thereby getting you 2 packets of freshly-cooked fries. And the process could go on. Then you can sell macdonald's french fries outside macdonald's for half the price! Or you can graduate to leveraging burgers instead of/and fries. Man the possibilities are endless!

(Based on a true story)

Left for Dead

My situation: stay out, subject to no work.

So that's more or less like I'm a part of the normal Singapore workforce, unlike most people studying. I've learnt a lot, and the things to hate about work. Like meetings. Many scenarios can happen after a meeting is scheduled:

Meeting cancelled: yeeeyy

Fall sick and stay home: yeyy

Assuming that both of these don't happen, be prepared for a rather shitty time, with bullshit being the main focus. It generally starts out fine, everyone's optimistic many things can resolved somehow by more talking heads, talking heads that never appear except for meetings with a big boss. But when the agenda drags on for more than half an hour, morale dips to 'cb another dedication of my life to my country' levels and everyone sits a little lower in their chairs. Then, you watch with horror as everyone starts to morph into zombies. You, my friend, are the survivor, and here's where my new characters for the computer game Left for Dead comes in.

The Bull: Works like the character Boomer, but instead of spewing a disgusting, sticky goo, this one emanates shit like nobody's business. bullshit. Usually starts with "i think we can blahblahblah..." or "In my previous unit, we did blahblahblah..." You know that's an enormous catastrophe, it's like you see the asteroid casting a shadow as it comes crashing into earth and you just cross your trembling fingers and hope that the bullshit doesn't land splat in your face. The bull usually spawns close to Legolas (see below)

Ultimate move: Bullshit Storm
This is a sad way to die as your spirit, your intelligence, your dignity are all crushed mercilessly by the tonnes of bullshit falling from the sky. You are finally covered, and not a trace of you can be seen.

The Finger A: The finger A says "Oh this thing is X do one. You can ask him about that." or " Oh i thought X was supposed to do that as we agreed on during the last meeting" (X may be a zombie too so in that case you can watch a zombie-fight for once!). But sometimes this isn't a wise move because it's so directly confrontational. And what if the minutes prove it wrong? Then the finger would be pointing back at itself!

Ultimate move: Finger Stab
If you get this, you end up with holes all over your body from the finger stabs. From those holes, pple know they can fuck you.

The Finger B: The finger B is a more evolved version of the finger B and has an attribute of 20 for subtlety. It says, "I take full responsibility for the shit that happened... but actually it's his fault not my fault" The absurdity of this sentence is sometimes clouded by the zombie-ish setting. It's like saying," I'm sorry but actually i'm not sorry"

Ultimate move: Finger Stab (with longer fingernail than above)
See above, with twice the damage.

The Brain: woah this zombie is smart. Somehow through gossip and stuff, this zombie actually knows everything that's going on, but that doesn't mean it has done anything about it. But because it knows everything, it is assumed it did or was involved in the work. Nobody can lift a finger against the brain because it just knows too much.

The Goat: The goat is the noobiest of the zombies. Most of the time, it gets the blame for every shit that happens. The goat must be in the unique position that its not junior enough to "act blur live longer" and not senior enough to "wah lau it's all my stupid insubordinate subordinate's fault". So why should you fear the goat? Because the goat's bleatings can be damn irritating, like a witch's screech. The goat will say stuff like this," so now everything is my fault loh, but I did so and so and -tonnes of excuses later- proceeds to gore you with horns if you walk away. And of course you, the cynical you, will be thinking to yourself, "Now you're bleating yourself silly about the shit that happens to you when all you've been doing is leaving crap all over the place."

Ultimate move: Death Bleat

Legolas
Handsome, dashing Legolas is the champion of the show. Shooting arrows all over the place, this is the man you need to keep clear of, or keep within ass-kissing distance of, depending on what type of person you are. The undoubted leader, his fearsome arrows put the fear of god into the hearts of all present.

Ultimate move: Arrow Fury
You die a horrible death, with arrows sticking through all of your body

Your job, being the survivor, is as the name suggests, to survive. Though it's not easy, i wish you luck! And because my inexperience has limited my imagination, i recommend that you read Dilbert for the ultimate survival guide!

Fairytale ending?

After watching the final episode of The Little Nyonya, I thought I'd seen the last of that sobby show. Not that it was a bad show, in fact I quite enjoyed it. Just that I thought yes it's over finally time to get on with my life and stop being addicted.

Well, not quite.

Wednesday's report in the papers said that viewers kpkb that the ending was NO GOOD. That Chen Xi and Yueniang didn't end up together, wtf!! So no fairytale ending = bad ending!!

I was stunned to read that some viewer actually cried when she found out they were separated. Okayy... even though I won't say I've never cried in my life, I certainly don't do it over a serial. Or for a movie, for that matter (because I'm not Emolin).

Anyway who said it wasn't a happy ending. Did they not see the joy on Yueniang's face when the Caucasian proposed to her? Since she's already half Jap it doesn't hurt mixing more Caucasian blood into the gene pool. It's common knowledge mixed kids usually turn out smarter than most, and more handsome than most.

So how the eff is that a poor ending? Plus Chen Xi and his wife had SIX kids. SIX KIDS LE... it's like they had SIXXX so much that they had half a dozen worth of kids. Can play 5-a-side rugby with one waterboy/reserve. How is that a bad ending?

Next time I urge ST to be more discretive when they wish to air the views of the audience. It's so retarded I was like roflmao when I opened the Life! spread. Although it made my day - so actually ST should publish more of such articles.

Tonight they will play the alternative ending to "The Little Nyonya" - where Chen Xi and Yueniang get together. That is awful rubbish, since we know that these ideal situations seldom happen in life. Life sucks, and the viewers ought to face it.

Who said Yueniang liked Chen Xi in the first place anyway? If she really did she would not have rejected him so many times. Forcing Yueniang to marry Chen Xi would be akin to letting Yuzhu marry Robert Zhang - an unhappy marriage leading to JACK SHIT.

Therefore I feel that the original ending was ideal.

As for whether Yueniang is fireproof..

..who gives a damn, it's a bloody show for show's sake.

Okay now I'm off to catch the 5-minute special edition where they get together. Just to satisfy some retarded viewers' cravings. Ahahaha I would have blogged longer but too bad, service to the nation right after the 5-minute edition.

Next week I'll try to blog earlier. lol

Wanted: VIDEOCAM

YL and I wanted a videocam for very important purposes, and we know not of many who has one. In fact, we only know of one person. Since both of us don't have videocams (in case I didn't say that earlier, which I didn't), we decided to approach him for a very important loan.

In order to fulfil our very important purpose.

For anonymity purposes, our friend is named as c, the constant in our equation. I'm J for short, then obviously the YL is L.

How To Persuade A Good Friend To Lend You Something
And How To Hedge A Subject
And Talk A Lot Of Cock On The Way There
(edited and modified)

j- hello.
c- yoyo.
l- hey c we need you very badly.
(that's persuasion due to desperate need)

c- ya right.
l- okay more specifically we need your videocam.
(now he's coming clean..)

c- you want my wife then say so.
l- we know you come with your camera..
j- that's wrong. you COME with your WIFE?
(that's talking cock, by the way)

c- so who you want to spy on? hot chicks?
j- eh lets go lanning this sat. (diverting subject)
c- no i can't lan
j- eh i owe you money anyway
c- u do?
j- no i meant yl
l- lol
(time wastage due to talking cock. we're good)

j- back to the topic! videocam! you're not using it?
c- no.. why you using it for?
j- eh yl but we not much time le.. (i'm super unfocused)
c- just get straight to the point!
j- sorry i'm like arsenal. (c's an arsenal fan)
l- we got all the time in the world..
j- i dribble.. i hang around.. shoot everywhere except the goal..
j- wave to the fans.. (pushing my luck..)
l- arsenal can't win.
(negative example. please don't insult the guy's favourite team if you want a favour.)

c- LOL quick. what you need my cam for?
l- so what do you think we need it for?
(questioning techniques.)

l- is it edible?
j- is it sexable?
j- man needs two basic things. FOOD! SEX!
c- oh. so you need to film some porn shit.
j- maybe porn. but SHIT? that's just gross.
c- you guys won't take pics of food. that's just gay.
c- but you might film shit. (ouch..)

l- c asks the best questions possible..
c- i don't get it. i must be fortune's fool. (which was his nick)
j- well acc to your nick you ARE fortune's fool..
c- okay i get it. YOU GUYS JUST WANT ME.
c- NOT MY CAMERA. LEAVE MY WIFE ALONE.
(gee.. such an accusation, i was real hurt man.)

l- yea. so that's settled then.
l- okay the gist is that..
c- lan on saturday?
(see what talking cock and hedging the issue has done..)

l- (ignoring c) you asked what we wanted your video cam for..
l- which of course would be to make videos.
l- but you still asked.
c- (exasperated?) yeah i mean what kind of videos =.=

(then i start the nonsense all over again.)
j- wait i thought you said you couldn't lan?
l- okay we want to make a video that entertains, in a way thats acceptable to us
(now he's being really specific.)
c- just have me inside. that's good enough =)=)
j- LOL YOU SAID IT BETTER NOT REGRET

(note: last time i posted sth about c online this girl fell madly in love with him.)

c- HAHA FUCK U LOL
c- you gonna post it on TCS? (oops.)
l- that's interesting. you can teach everyone how to chase a girl.
c- speak for yourself yl you're the girl killer! (tables are turned!)
c- you're the girl killer. every girl on the __________ had a crush on you!

Editor's note: Sensitive information! But it's true there was one period of time there was this indeterminate number of girls having a crush on YL. Or maybe all the while. Unfortunately mesdemoiselles he's already taken, so sorry. Back to the convo.

l- yea. but that wasn't funny.
j- LOL. (wasn't it.)
l- we need entertainment.
c- well u try charming the rj canteen aunties. tell them they're on film and they are very pretty. and flirt with them. and try to get a discount. if u dun piss them off by paying in 5 cents coins.

Editor's note: I did that once. They weren't pleased. Ah and I meant paying in 5 cents coins, not the flirting bit LOL.

l- that's just mean, and we're not in sch anymore.
l- you want to try cookhouse aunties?
c- no. its they who want to try me.
l- now you're starting (the digression).

convo suddenly degens and we're talking about who's going to camp tomorrow and whatnot. it gets really bad until c pulls us all back into the convo.

c- i can lend you all. but you all never say how long, when, why..
l- like saf logbook like that..
l- make video for tcs la!!

And that concludes our conversation, because the purpose had been revealed.

Hope you learnt something there.