Hi, I just need a minute of your time...

Touts. Fucking touts. From shopping surveys to 'charity' tickets to scams. They always say, "Can I have a minute of your time?" Well, my very polite answer is NO! It's a blazing injustice that I give my time for free and they make money off it. That's like charity except that you're donating to corporations who shouldn't be asking for them. For example, each time you help them complete a survey, the company is being paid to conduct a survey. Each time you buy a 'donation ticket', you're paying the company helping to sell those tickets. The touts are taking advantage of everyone's good nature with their insidious schemes.

If they want our time, they should buy it. For example, when you take a taxi instead of bus, you're buying time. Let's say it takes a $12 taxi ride to get from my home to the city and it does so in 15 minutes. The same trip by bus and train takes $2 and 35 minutes. Thus, I pay $10 for 20 minutes. That's 50 cents a minute, enough to make an international call. That's just one of the metrics for the value of time. If they can't afford my time, well, then they should let me sulk my way home peacefully after a hard day of whatever I've been doing that day. And let me eat peacefully at the hawker centre.


Sure, life is tough. But stealing my time is like stealing my money. Do we condone robbers and thieves? No, we say 'good riddance!' and throw them in jail. That's Singapore.

Win at soccer betting

This revolutionary new strategy involves spreading risk around.

For example, YJ tells me that the odds for Germany topping their world cup group started at around 1.47, means for every $10 you put in, you get $4.70 in profit if you win.

Now the odds are at 1.10, so you only profit by a dollar if you bet $10 now.

Assuming I foresaw that the odds for Germany to be group winner would drop, I would bet when the odds open at 1.47.

Seeing now that the odds at Singapore Pools are at 1.10, I would hang around a Singapore Pools outlet and offer to sell my ticket to smart punters for $12. The total sum of money the ticket earns if Germany is the group winner is $14.70, and $14.70/$12 is 1.225, thus I am still offering better odds than Singapore Pools at this time.

I would only earn $2 instead of $4.70 if i do the above, but I don't have to wait to see if Germany is group winner. $2 in hand is better than $4 in Singapore Pools. Ok so this is a bad example because Germany is going to be group winner, but you get the idea.

This strategy means that you don't have to guess if the vuvuzela sound waves will propel the Jabulani world cup ball into the net. You just have to figure out which bets are the more popular ones. Damn this is totally a lesson in quantitative finance.

Experience sharing

I am an advocate of experience-sharing. That way we can all learn from one another and not to make the same stupid mistakes we all have gone through. One learns best through his own mistakes, however, and here are my reflections..

The Renovation
In one of my weekly visits to my grandma's, i found a notice pasted next to the lift on the ground floor. i glanced through it and the gist of the notice was to announce that re-screeding works (whatever that was..) were to commence on 5th june, lasting about two weeks.

and all that yada yada, sorry for the inconvenience caused, etc. BUT right at the bottom, someone scrawled "請用華語" exactly as it is here, in 繁體字.

i realised he/she made a good point, for there was no chinese version of the letter. so being a good bilingual samaritan, i took out my pilot pen and started scribbling out a brief translation.

i was about to complete the first sentence when a lady appeared behind me, looking disgusted. bet she thought i was some vandal. and the lift arrived so i stopped what i was doing and went in. she continued to stare at me.

lesson learnt: 好心沒好報

which naturally leads to 別多管閒事

The Strategy
I have a friend S who is a soccer connoisseur. Actually, we both are. This means we appreciate watching football matches and considering their outcomes. we enjoy debating over the possibilities of win, lose and draw.

after some thorough research, the draw rate was found to be around 28% (go calculate it yourself if you don't believe me). this means 3 draws out of every 10 matches. i gingerly placed a bet for 10 matches, and none of them ended up in a draw.

lesson learnt: SOCCER IS NOT MATHEMATICS

..and i'm going hungry for the next few days hahaha.

The Magic of Photoshop

Before:

After:

My view

In YL's essay on Mother Tongue, he mentioned in the second paragraph that the self-serving English-speaking "persuasive" people are "Very persuasive, indeed, almost as persuasive as my guinea pig."

Thought you guys might like to know that his guinea pig is dead.

Well, unless you are Zhang Yang in the latest Channel 8 serial 我在你左右, I guess you can't be persuasive at all as a dead person.

I was toying with the idea of writing to the ST forums on this topic since retards with "5% logic, 20% personal example, 20% fallacy and 55% emotion" can already write in. But YL is not a man of harsh words, and what I read was more like 110% emotion and -10% logic, so much so that I've forgotten how to argue logically after reading one too many letters in the forum.

I bet the editors sometimes publish these asinine letters for a kick. After all, humour definitely sells better than logic (let's see, who's richer and more famous - Subhas Anandan or Russell Peters?)

Most people are logical, but not everyone can be comical. Although I must say after reading the forum page more regularly in the ST, I am inclined to start doubting my first line. Seems as though the balance is swinging towards the other way, albeit unintentionally.

To me, the whole situation is simple. You can only do a few things.

1) Lower the MT weightage in PSLE

2) Let it remain as it is

3) Raise the MT weightage in PSLE

4) Do it O level style and let students take their three best subjects

Item 1 sounds fairly logical, but only in the eyes of those who are weak in Mother Tongue. I was fairly weak in Chemistry back in school, and since it hardly has any real life application in the BUSINESS world, which is the course I am applying to.. shouldn't we lower the Chemistry weightage for A levels?

(Note: I know this is a lousy argument, but as mentioned it's easier to talk cock nowadays than to talk logic.)

Item 2 is what MOE decided to do. I think it's fair. The anti-MT camp will have a lot to say about this, but in the meantime their kids will have to continue failing MT while they gripe and bitch about how smart their children are, less MT.

Hey, I would have got perfect grades in RI if you didn't count Chemistry, Physics, French, Literature, English, Social Studies, and oh, Higher Chinese..

Item 3 is something no one has ever mentioned or talked about. I don't know why I raised it here, either.

Finally - letting students pick their three best subjects. This is about as "logical" as it could go - and it would benefit those strong in MT, yet not disadvantage those weak in MT.

Sounds good?

The PSLE is already about as basic as it can get. It amuses me how parents can think of their children as "talents" if they cannot even handle four subjects.

And still, this mode of examination will invite trouble. Let's say in one particular year the Science paper is a killer (to me it always is), and the MT paper happens to be unbelievably easy. The parents of those geniuses are bound to make noise. No matter what.

You can give them moderation and you can give them assurance, but as my BMT commanders say "stupidity has no limits" - their stupid words will go on limitlessly.

The ideal and pragmatic way to deal with this problem, in my humble opinion, is to leave it as status quo. As some anonymous prick said, "you can't please everyone" - you're going to piss people off no matter what.

Should the government change status quo and alter their current stand on MT weightage, what will only result is a different group of people getting pissed off. And human nature is such that one remembers grievances more than he remembers favours.

Might as well keep the same group of people pissed off.

So don't lower the MT weightage.

PSLE Chinese weighting - The argument to end all arguments

Recently, the Straits Times reported that the Ministry of Education was doing a review of the 25% weighting of Chinese in the Primary School Leaving Examination. What ensued was hilarity. The Chinese newspapers were full of protests(duh), with the full blast of Chinese idioms pummeling the logic into all the readers. It was funny because I assumed that the people who make decisions don't read the Chinese newspapers. But I was horribly wrong, because the Education Minister apologized just a few days later.

Meanwhile in the English papers, the deluge of self-serving fucks seeking to lower its weighting because it was 'difficult' was definitely enough to flood the Bukit Timah area. Absolutely solid examples that Chinese is difficult included "My son is an intelligent young man, and he finds a lot of difficulty in Chinese" and the like. They even think about Singapore's well-being, as in "My son is a talent, and since he finds Chinese difficult, the family is emigrating. If this continues, Singapore will suffer a brain drain. That is not in the interest of Singapore." Very persuasive, indeed, almost as persuasive as my guinea pig.

The letters published contained maybe 5% logic, 20% personal example, 20% fallacy and 55% emotion. Well at least I got a laugh. Maybe even several laughs. If you remove the emotion, the opportunism and the defeatism so blindingly obvious in those letters, the crux of the matter is fairly simple.

Bilingualism is still a pillar on which the Singapore economy rests. As a trading hub, the more languages we speak, the better, so I would say that being bilingual is the minimum. In addition, with a low birth rate, an immigration inflow is also necessary for the economy, and Singaporeans being bilingual would definitely aid in immigrants' integration into society. It is quite undeniable that Singaporeans should be bilingual in the interest of the economy.

Despite the increasing number of English-speaking families, a large part of the Singapore society communicate in their mother tongues, especially the older generation. Therefore, it is also in the interest of communication and harmony in society that students are bilingual.

Now that we have established that bilingualism is essential, we can move on to the more contentious point of what should be done to ensure bilingualism.

If what the government wanted was true bilingualism, the mother tongue would share the same importance as English all the way up to the entrance of the tertiary institutions. But it does not. The government probably thinks that one has to be more proficient in English, as it is the business language. We need mother tongue more for basic communication rather than to excel in our chosen professions. As a result, after PSLE, the weightage of mother tongue gradually drops in examinations, such that one barely needs to pass mother tongue before being able to get a place in a local university.

What we can see is that the current system already has a heavy bias in favour of English and other chosen subjects as the years roll on. What the equal weightage at PSLE does is to act as a stop to ensure a basic level of mother tongue for communication. What possible benefit does reducing this weightage have? Some win, some lose, but for Singapore it is a step backward in terms of bilingualism.

Furthermore, the current system does not unduly restrict students. If you don't do so well in the mother tongue, you can still do well in the other subjects and achieve an excellent score. The system rewards students fairly in whichever subjects they are strong in. It is only if the mother tongue level is truly horrendous that it has a significant effect, and this horrendous level is exactly what the equal weightage is designed to prevent. It is serving its purpose. Those who are going to be outstanding engineers and entrepreneurs will be outstanding engineers and entrepreneurs. Why on earth would a mediocre PSLE score stop them? That would be a very defeatist attitude. Those who want to be lawyers and doctors and have lousy mother tongue results, it may be harder because the spaces in the local schools are so limited. However, I can't be the only one thinking that doctors and lawyers should be bilingual in order to cater well to Singaporeans. You are not a talent simply because you have the money to emigrate if your grasp of mother tongue happens to suck.

In my humble opinion, there is no shortcut to learning a language. You have to make a conscious effort to immerse, to read, to write. Unless the student has a learning disability of some sort, there is no evidence to suggest a decent result in mother tongue cannot be obtained through hard work. After all, there are more than a billion people who can communicate in Chinese. It is true that English-speaking families have a disadvantage. But don't the Chinese-speaking families have the same problem when it comes to English? An even bigger problem, because English is already more important in our system and society. The PSLE proves itself to be the last bastion of linguistic equality. If the equal weightage is vanquished, it risks splitting society into 2: English-speaking families enjoying all the perks of society, and mother-tongue speaking families struggling to keep up. Class warfare might result. The concept of bilingualism would degenerate into a farce.

Some think that bilingualism can be preserved by having those with interest in the mother tongue study it, and those without interest to have reduced weightage for it. Such idealism is suited for a revolution, which is not the case right now. How many primary school kids do you think will study out of interest? As if they didn't have enough to study already. That suggestion is like throwing a sucker punch in the face of bilingualism and calling it a massage. In fact, we do have a track record for letting people study languages according to their interests. It's the Third Language Program, which has an astronomical drop-out rate, although that's alright, because they're third languages and not commonly used in Singapore.

At this point, I've run out of ammunition. And I lost the loaded magazine in my vest. The above might have been confusing. If you take away the sarcasm, insults and metaphors, you would probably get a simple and effective argument. That was my intent at first but I failed, because writing without those tools is like eating KFC chicken without the skin - not shiok. I might end up with a boring-ass essay that has no place in the hallowed annals of talkcocksummit.blogspot.com. If the above has confused you further, just remember that the simple conclusion of the essay is that I am right.

"Rules don't apply to me"

Today, I was just waiting for the bus, because I'm poor. Then, I saw a guy wearing a shirt that says "RULES DON'T APPLY TO ME" in big bold letters. We got onto the same bus, and I wanted to ask him why the hell did he pay his bus fare. What a nice guy. Or a douchebag.

Today I will tell you a Secret...

I was on the bus the other day, staring at the scenery zooming past, scenery so familiar I could tell if a leaf had fallen from a tree. That is usually more interesting than staring at the other people in the bus, because staring at other people generally exhibits animalistic instincts like attraction or disgust.

Let's face it, the only reasons we continuously stare at someone are that she has face/boobs/legs/butt that look like angel/watermelons/stilts/baboons' respectively or she has face/boobs/legs/butt that look like monster/brinjals/trotters/buses.

How often have you thought to yourself 'This thing is so ugly it's bewildering...I must find out why it's so ugly (and continue staring at it)!'. Never? Well watch this video

Anyway, none of these things happened on the bus, but just as I was minding my own business, there was some mind-thumping music. the IQ-decreasing kind that makes parents cover the ears of their children. Now who is that inconsiderate son a of bitch. You know how is it with stereotypes, and already in that few seconds, the image formed in my head of a guy in skinny jeans and possibly a tattoo or two. with a rotten attitude. and the stupid handphone blasting crap. I got ready my parang. It was going to be a hard fight.

And my jaw dropped when I realised there was no douchebag with a phone. The source of the retarded music was a demure Malay girl. And there was no phone. She was wearing earphones.

Now, being able to listen to music from someone else's earphones is not a new phenomenon. In fact, I did the same thing one time on a bus, when some idiot sat next to me. I even had to demand that the idiot change a song because he was looping some chinese rock song to rock himself to sleep. He resisted, but after I told him I was Ip Man, he obediently complied with my orders.

But this Malay girl was different. She was special. After all, I was not sitting next to her. It was a single-decker bus with loud engine noise and all. I was standing at least 5 metres away. And yet I could hear every alphabet in the song (and no, it's not the alphabet song). She is a veritable shining beacon of light for those who want to be deaf. Maybe she is an alien trying to masquerade as one of our species, and failing miserably.

I do have another idea: it was all a prank designed to irritate. Enter the Speaker Earphones

See the sinister little holes at the back of the earphones? That is where the music is actually coming from. Here's how to use this baby:

Step 1 : Find some obnoxious music you know everyone will hate. (don't worry the earpieces act as earplugs for you)

Step 2: Get to a public place where there are lots of people piss off.

Step 3: Play the music on your speaker earphones.

Step 4: Shake leg and enjoy as most people feel like punching you, but reason that they don't want to since you are torturing yourself the most with the crap music. Meanwhile, you're enjoying the silence your earpieces provide.

Step 5: When the battery runs out, go home to charge and repeat from step 1.

The Life of a Big-Tits Girl

Today, I had to take my guinea pig to the vet. My guinea pig is this furry furry ball of total cuteness. It has large inquisitive eyes that peer at you in a perpetual state of wonder. It also has long glossy fur that I can style into a Mohawk. My guinea pig is not like a hamster. It does not run away even if I open the cage door, and it does not bite. If you scratch its ears, it will half-close its eyes in a pure show of bliss. In short, awwsome.

Well, the problem was that recently, beneath the veneer of the fur coat, it was losing weight. I felt its tiny body, and all there was was skin and bones. It's the kind that you probably never felt before because Singapore stopped starving sometime in the last century. I assumed that it was due to dental problems. Maybe fat people can go get dental problems. Anyway, a vet seemed like the man for the job. A woman, as it turned out.

The highlight was undoubtedly the trip to the vet. Everyone, from the obese woman to the foreign talent to the old man, was staring at me, or rather the guinea pig. I thought maybe I had put bunny ears on it, but I looked, and I hadn't. And everyone was just staring, staring and staring, it felt kind of rude. That must be how a girl with big tits feels.

Give this man a ticket to Romania

There are only three things that I know Romania for. Gypsies, Dracula, and most recently, Dr Silviu Ionescu. Now if you've been following the papers, you'll know that Dr Silviu Ionescu is the piece of shit who hit two people while drink-driving, failed to admit it, and even lied about his car having been stolen.

Certainly, he is not the first, nor will he be the last. But in Singapore, there is only one thing that happens to people like that. They go to jail. Dr Silviu Ionescu hides behind his diplomatic immunity and goes back to Romania for a holiday instead.
 
Remember the stories we read as kids where there's always an evil guy with a totally screwed-up moral compass? As I grew older, I thought those were simply stories, because in the real world, there are always nuances, gray areas and different standards or morality. For example, it is hard to consider a person who steals just to feed his family a force of pure evil. 

Fortunately, with Dr Ionescu, there is no such ethical dilemma. He is simply a liar, a murderer, a coward, who has shown absolutely no repentance for his actions. In fact, he is loathe to even take responsibility for them. On the bright side, it gives Singapore no reservations to condemn him as a united nation. Can you imagine if he had said sorry? Half of Singapore would have shouted "Fuk you! Sorry no cure!" while the other half would have said, "Aiya he say sorry liao, what you want him to do?" But he didn't. So we don't have a problem calling him a scumbag together.

Unfortunately, Dr Ionescu's house in Romania is presumably beyond the range of our F-16s. Even if Romania waives the diplomatic immunity of Dr Ionescu (and they should, unless they're a country of evil fucks like him), he can still sit on his fat ass in Romania because Singapore does not have an extradition treaty with Romania, meaning there's no way to drag him back. It is at pressing times like this that we wonder, why doesn't Singapore have more nutjobs? Maybe one of them can be self-sacrificial, go to Romania and kick Dr Ionescu's ass? With this line of thought, I trawled through the net for that special person for the special mission, and found him... Singapore's only hope...

This is the dude who set an MP on fire. I believe Singapore has few people as crazy as him, which makes him apt. Give this man a ticket to Romania, and watch him kick Dr Ionescu's ass. Enough said.

World Cup Joke

This blonde walks into a bar. They happened to be giving out free bras at the bar. The bra-giver asks the blonde, "What size are your boobies? B-cup, C-cup, D-cup? " The blonde replies "WORLD CUP!!" ooh yea.

What are your chances of having breast cancer? (if you are a woman and have positive results from mammogram)

You are a female who has just received a positive result from a mammogram which you have undergone under the subtle influence of the many advertisements put up by the government. Yes, it is a positive result. You ask the gamemaster (also known as the doctor), what are your chances of actually having breast cancer?

Now how does the gamemaster know? He probably has a manual that details the research conducted on the accuracy of mammograms. It'll say something like this:

   1. The probability that a woman has breast cancer (prevalence) is 1 percent.

   2. If a woman has breast cancer, the probability that she tests positive (sensitivity) is 90 percent.

   3. If a woman does not have breast cancer, the probability that she nonetheless tests positive (false-positive rate) is 9 percent.

And the answer that the gamemaster should infer from the above is one of the following:

   a. The probability that you have breast cancer is about 81 percent.


   b. Out of 10 women with a positive mammogram, about nine have breast cancer.

   c. Out of 10 women with a positive mammogram, about one has breast cancer.

   d. The probability that she has breast cancer is about 1 percent.

What do you think is the probability of having breast cancer given a positive result from a mammogram? To extract brain juice, give it a try before reading on.









The answer is C. Your dice of life has 10 sides, and only one of them says breast cancer. Kind of. The reason is not that you are all guys, but that in interpreting the information given, we tend to make some assumptions.

The answer that most would come up with is B, because we only utilise statement no.2, that "if a woman has breast cancer, the probability that she tests positive (sensitivity) is 90 percent."

In doing so, we are already assuming that you have breast cancer. What if you don't have breast cancer? Then the chances of you still having a positive result is relatively low at 9 percent (false-positive rate), but because a majority of the population does not have breast cancer (see statement 1), that 9 percent becomes a large number of people and you are likely to be one of them. To get the figure of one in ten, we do some simple calculations.

Percentage of population that has breast cancer and tests positive: 90% x 1%(of population) = 0.9%
Percentage of population that does not have breast cancer and tests positive: 9% x 99% = 8.91%
Probability that you test positive and have breast cancer: 0.9% divide by (8.91%+0.91%) = about 10%

Gamemasters should get a degree in statistics too. In case you're wondering, it came from an issue of Scientific American Mind (a magazine), and it called for greater clarity in the presentation of research results, seeing as most gamemasters chose B as well, causing unnecessary worry for patients. Now you know better.

Asshole Rehab Centre

Update: Jack Neo has signed up for TCS Rehab. Woohoo!

This is partly about Tiger Woods. It is quite lag, but I read with interest as he checked into a sex rehabilitation centre, came out supposedly all cured, made a public apology that had more viewers than the World Cup, and he saves the $300 million that he would have lost on divorce. Sounds like a fairy tale.

While everyone was busy debating whether sex rehab actually works, Tiger was probably thinking, "Hmm, so which is more expensive, rehab or divorce? Such a tough question.-brain grinds-". And his mistress beside him in bed said, "Oooh I know, a divorce is more expensive!" Not that her maths is any more impressive, but she knew that once Tiger got a divorce, he wouldn't have to pay her to shut up anymore. Brilliant economics.

Why don't we just say that Tiger Woods is an asshole? Why bother with crap like sex addiction? Imagine you rob a bank, get caught (that's you not me i don't get caught), and you tell the judge "Your honour, I'm suffering from money addiction, that's why I robbed the bank". If I were the judge, I'd say "Yes, I totally understand, that's why I'm sending you to hell, then your relatives can burn all the hellnotes they want". Addiction solved. And I think it's still the death penalty in Singapore for armed robbery.

Look at John Terry. JT doesn't apologize for his actions. He doesn't say, "I'm addicted to sex." He's all "Sex? Hell yeah." For that, the public calls him an asshole. And his England captaincy was lost. Now he can't sell the captain's VIP seat anymore. But all is not lost. I'm always on the lookout for business opportunities, and this is a great one. Introducing, the Talk Cock Summit Rehab Centre for assholes....

 

...guaranteed to reform assholes. Maybe you'll be a dickhead, but definitely not an asshole. We'll even give a certificate that says, loudly and proudly, "No longer an asshole!" I suppose that's even more relevant in Singapore's certificate-obsessed society. If JT attends, he'll get back the captaincy in no time. Prices start from $1000 a day.

 

How to Make Firefox Crash

Feeling too happy today? In need of a dose of frustration? Using Firefox? Well, you're in luck! Find the link in the sidebar to crash your Firefox. Have a nice day!

How to Write Powderful English

As I sit on my bum, shaking my leg, and taking in all the words and knowledge that the Internet bestows upon me, I suddenly feel enlightened. What is it that makes an article such a piece of crap that you curse the author for wasting your time? And what makes an article so good that you'd not only want to share it via facebook, twitter, digg, stumble, reddit, you'd even print a copy out for your grandmother?

Should it be flowery and eloquent in a sophisticated way? Consider this. If you read it to the end, well done. The author's vocabulary and grammar may be way above mine, but I'm the reader, and so I judge. And I'm not impressed. Sure, there is descriptive language, 'sound of countless languages intertwining into an incomprehensible melody', but that's all. Do you feel interested in the story? Do you feel the author's sense of enlightenment? No I don't. There are descriptions, but no details. When it comes to the gist of the article, which is to say the author is inspired by her internship, she can only describe it as an 'understanding of a human element', and the 'human element' part of the phrase is taken from some commercial which I have never seen before, so that's another negative point. In addition, it's just got the 'sheltered person starts working and is inspired' kind of bullshit taste. Like some bullshit forced out of the bull's ass because a university application asked for an essay about a life-changing experience. Poor bull. Article fail.

Contrast that with this. Although such a long article, it is simply interesting, with an array of examples and personal experiences, and it makes sense too! I wish I could write like that.

The last example that I have is also the best. It's nowhere near as long as the previous two, and it simply proves that writing is also about putting the heart and soul into words. It comes from the best of Craigslist, which is an online bulletin board wildly popular overseas, but not so popular in Singapore. It also happens to be a time warp for me, because everytime I exit the site, I wonder where all my time has gone. Well at least there was this . Enjoy and don't cry.

It appears that there are really a lot of ways to write an excellent essay. You just need to ask an extra question of 'How do I make this interesting?' Unfortunately, years of writing badass General Paper essays has sucked the soul out of writers in Singapore. I mean, we even have to pay people to read. And mark them. Fortunately, most of the people will end up drafting badass government policies or writing legal documents that should not intriguing in the first place, so it's less of a loss. Still, if this post is boring to you, I blame my education.

My favorite author Roald Dahl says somewhere in one of his books."It's a gift, you either have it or you don't"

Woah new template!

New year, new template. I wonder if making a website is like writing in the olden days. You can pay someone to make one for you, but it is fast becoming an indispensable skillset.

The new blogger layout system  makes most things easier. The archives widget lays bare the history of our posts. School must have been a great environment for writing crap. I guess NS was too, but we were phyiscally unable to blog.

The template was done using photoshop (header and background), and the rest is just CSS and blogger widgets. Do you ever get the feeling after you accomplished something that 'what the fuck that should have been easy what the hell was I doing?'

Detailed Plot of the Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.

Welcome to the imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, an inventive world of unending landscapes, flights of fancy and ultimate indulgence. Can even have sex in there, though it is innocently pictured as a rocking gondola on a calm river. That can already be reason to say it's much classier than porn flicks.

The story starts with a traveling show, that seems just a little out of place in modern day London. As time passes, we realise that everything is not what it seems. Each character is unique and so different from the characters we are used to in our lives.

Dr Parnassus is an immortal old man who has taken bets with the devil (higher stakes but worse odds than Singapore Pools). He had regained his youth in the past in return for giving the devil any child he would have when the child turned 16. The primary reason for that bet? A pretty woman, no surprises there. Well, the family planning didn't work, I mean, I'm pretty sure the devil has a way of controlling these things. If you've watched enough horror movies you would've noticed how evil and wombs are inextricably connected, like my left ass and my right ass. Anyway, his wife died giving birth to Valentina when she was 60.

Valentina is the 2nd character. She is pretty, pretty and very pretty! That said, I'm not sure what her character was all about, maybe she is just there as a mirror for all the others.

Anton is a young swashbuckling dude taken in by Dr Parnassus who is in love with Valentina. Unfortunately, he is suffering from the always-been-there-so-girl-never-treasures-him syndrome. There is even a hilarious moment where he decides to leave the troupe, and Valentina chases after him, and says "Don't go, I need you." After she says those words, the audience can see as Anton scrunches up his expression and tries to express all the frustration of not being appreciated, but before he opens his mouth, Valentina asks, "How much money do you have with you?", ensuing laughs all round. But don't worry, he gets a happy ending! Oops I guess that's a spoiler. I know I didn't warn that there would be spoilers. But are spoilers still spoilers if they don't spoil the movie for anyone? A question for the philosophers.

Percy is a dwarf, and is primarily the voice of reason. Not that there's much in this imaginative film, but he does have a funny habit of whacking people at the knees with his stick.

That is how the film starts, with a few days before Valentina turns 16 and has to be given to the devil. Out of the blue, they rescue a guy hanging from the bridge. He is miraculously still alive, because the fucker put a small flute braced against his neck so that somehow he wouldn't die when hanged.

His name is Tony, formerly accused of scamming money from charities. When he joins is when the fun starts, by first pissing the hell out of Anton, as Valentina goes goo-goo eyes all over him. Even though Tony simply seems like like normal man, the romance is all too understandable. His mysterious past (he claims he cannot remember), boatloads of charisma, infinite amounts of business ideas and seeming all-round ability must be totally refreshing to a girl stuck in a traveling show. Tony showcases his abilities further by upgrading and bringing big bucks for the traveling show by revamping the whole thing. I just feel admiration for those who can talk with honey and hope flowing from their mouths without even pausing to stop for a breath, although they might be things as funny as "the waterfall of happiness".

Just makes me wonder, where do we find such random connections in our modern-day world, a connection that is a total breath of fresh air? Time to join a traveling circus!

Then there is the all-important imaginarium. One fact i neglected to mention earlier is that Dr. Parnassus does have powers. He can power the imagination of people and enlighten them in this imaginarium of his. In the imaginarium, however, people have to make a choice between temptations and what is right. If they choose the wrong one, their souls are taken by the devil. the right one? they'll be enlightened and purified.

The thing is this: because the Devil was so bored, he decided to give Dr Parnassus another chance. If he could enlighten 5 people before the deadline, the devil would not take Valentina. Tony helps in getting 4 women to choose the right path in the imaginarium, and what do you know, before he can get the 5th one, his past catches up with him and loansharks arrive to chase him. I told you the devil couldn't be trusted. They have a fun run in the imaginarium and Tony changes faces (Heath Ledger to Johnny Depp to Jude Law) to finally escape. Anton sees his different faces and I guess that foreshadows the fact the Tony was a conman all along. Moving on, they have about 1 hour left to get the last soul.

Anton finds a newspaper cutting with news about how Tony had scammed from charities and is determined to show it to Valentina. At this moment, Tony had just told Dr Parnassus that he is willing to be the last soul. And then Valentina arrives scolding and spitting because she has only just found out she was the pawn in the bargain. And Anton arrives with his newspaper cutting. So it is all a mad struggle and Valentina ends up getting thrown into the imaginarium and Tony goes in after her.

The scene changes to the afore-mentioned gondola, and this time it is Colin Farrell who is the lucky guy as Tony. This is also where if you're male, and you've been asleep for the whole movie, it's time to open your eyes wide. And the gondola rocks gently.

And the we see a child on the bank of the river, crying. We see Tony's dream. At his greatest moment of going to speak in a grand ballroom, however, Anton arrives as a child to unravel his dream. And we see his true self, as he blames everyone and even hits Valentina. We see how he is actually a conniving son of a bitch. Of course, that doesn't explain why he was talking about sacrificing himself as the 5th soul, and he was even going to go into the imaginarium without Valentina. Then again, this movie does not seem to be one to be reasoned out, it's much more pleasant to enjoy the slices of imagination without necessarily weaving them together. Anyhow, the ballroom in question is falling apart. Anton falls off one of the edges, and Valentina holds him. Her grip is slipping, but before it does, Anton says " I love you", and goes down, just like so many years ago in Titanic, except there was water then. Valentina is very sad, meets the devil, and chooses to give her soul to him. At which point the devil says,"damn, i've won".

This is really a very bored devil, so he tells Dr Parnussus that if he can get Tony's soul, he will bring Valentina back. That he does, by tricking Tony into using a lousy pipe the next time he's hanged, and the last scene shows Valentina and Anton having a family together. Frankly, the plot of this movie is convoluted, I think the director just got lazy in explaining the details. Valentina ended up with Anton, so it might be a case of needing an outside stimulus (Tony) to realise that we already have what we need in life. Still, it makes me wonder, after watching such a fantastical movie, why is my life so boring? The most imaginative way I can think of it is like a video game, Diablo 2. And all the skills we learn in life have different levels that we use to do all sorts of things. Anyway, I consider it a miracle if you've read till the end of this article.

Just watch the godamn movie, Lily Cole is Megan Fox x 10000000000!

Give this guy a break!

Now I'm going to cut out your typical "Do you know this guy" introduction. Because clearly, you do. And even if you don't, you do anyway because everyone's reporting on this guy's infidelity.

Well, TCS hasn't had it's turn at Tiger Woods yet. So here I go.

It's funny how this dude was the "model professional in the golfing world" until his scandals were thrown into the open for everyone to see. After that people started lamenting that he was a poor role model and how he is a disgrace to golfers, etc.

I don't really get the link, though. How is his having a strong libido got to do with his golfing abilities? In fact if you ask me I think he's a fantastic golfer because even with his sex distractions he still manages to complete don't-know-how-many Grand Slams and all.

Oh wait, are Grand Slams even part of golf? I'm sorry. Truth be told I'm not an avid golf fan, I'm more into soccer but the paparazzi just doesn't seem to give up on Tiger "I love bar hostesses" Woods so I thought I'd just stick my nose into golf.

The uglier truth be told, golf is really just a stupid game. So no matter how many titles or PGAs this guy has won, he doesn't merit as much respect as my mates who play amateur soccer every Sunday. Of course that's only in my opinion, which doesn't count for much; since everyone obviously still enjoys throwing shit at Mr. Woods.

That aside I think I really digress. Being involved in such a stupid game, which is golf, naturally would make a man frustrated. Plus it's been said that Woods put in profuse hours into his training, which was why he became so successful.

But if YOU ask me, which you might not but I'll reply anyway since this is my blog..

If Woods could spend so much time on this stupid game, it's only natural that he's got frustrated with this nonsense. Good that he's woken up his idea, as they would say in the army.

I mean, instead of putting golf balls into holes, he simply decided to put HIS balls in another type of hole. Anything wrong with that?

Americans like to talk about freedom and the human right to do whatever they want. Tiger Woods isn't the first arsehole (no pun intended) to commit adultery and he will not be the last. Just because he's a golfing pro doesn't make him less guilty of this screwed up act; but if there can be so many adulterers in the real world, stop picking on this guy just because he's rich and famous.

So for the paparazzi with nothing better to do: Go pick on someone your own size! Let this guy continue playing his stupid game and stop molesting him the way à la Sentosa woman on New Year's Eve style. It's boring and I'm sick of reading shit about him in the papers every fucking day.

Can someone talk about soccer instead?

Sentosa Molest

I would like to thank those who are still reading this blog. It is a beautiful feeling to know that one is being appreciated when the blogging fad has come and gone. Those left standing after the melee are those who love to write, and those who love to read.

Those who have blogged before will know that blogging is hard work. Good writing necessitates that we take only the interesting parts of our lives and thoughts and amplify them in the blog posts, and that does require some cognitive work. And inspiration? Where does that come from?

If I were just some dude in his underwear in front of the computer, the easiest choice would be the online news. Recently, there has been the incident of a bikini-clad girl being molested by 4 dark-skinned individuals at the New Year Countdown Party and a video was actually shot of the whole incident. Given that the online searches on the words "sentosa molest" must have been numerous, a blogger who blogs about recent news can even garner new readers directed by search engines.

Heck, since I'm at it, might as well give my two cents' worth. It reflects very very badly that some blog has set up a facebook group something to the effect of "She did not deserve to be molested". Do you see anything wrong? When the fuck, in what kind of screwed up parallel universe, does someone ever deserve to be molested? Enough said. No need for further discussions on the wall. I believe the group came about because, somehow somewhere someone said anonymously that she deserved to be molested. Opinions like this don't merit a response. Like paedophiles who think children are old enough for sex, sadists who think kittens are for torture experimentation, and employers who think maids are slaves, they are the inevitable undercurrents of any peaceful society. There is no point arguing because the people who hold these views will not come out to the open to be convinced anyway. They will only hold their convictions in their deep dark souls. Once or twice, a tentacle might emerge from the surface. but that's all.

Of course, the people (usually all the girls), are totally justified in questioning why no one helped her. Well, all the decent guys were at home studying duh. And all the decent girls were afraid that their bikinis would've been torn to shreds had they gone to help the poor girl.

Wow in those short paragraphs, I've answered all the questions regarding this entire molestation incident. If you just see the amount of words and opinions generated by one high-profile incident on the web, it's little wonder that no one has time for serious literature anymore. Anyway, if you can't tell by now, one reason I usually don't like talking about controversial news is that they always descend to pointless debate that is neither interesting nor humorous.

Back to the part about inspiration for blogging. There is always a niche. Freaks like Xiaxue can talk incessantly about themselves. Mrbrown has politics. Cowboycaleb is cool. DawnYang has scandals. Introduction to other blogs has enough material for an article in itself. Me? No idea.

I intend to write a short story someday, and then post it here. To make a good blog requires certain effort. For example, you probably deserve a better layout to complement all the text, but no because here we're lazy bums. For example, most blogs will have an icon somewhere to sign up for an rss feed, but nahh, I'll just recommend google reader for you guys. I was introduced to it by a friend who happens to read my blog. If you're using gmail, it's convenient. Hope to get started on the short story soon!

Love is like the ideal elastic; it doesn't break when it stretches, and when the stretching stops, it goes right back into shape

New year, old year, can you really tell the difference? Though I'm sure it does bring a windfall to commercial entities like buses, taxis and clubs. Why do we celebrate the new year? Maybe it's because we haven't actually accomplished anything worth celebrating ourselves, that's why we celebrate artificial things like that.

I was on my way home on the nightrider when I noticed it was actually quiet for once. The mobileTV showed "mobile tv will operate until december 31 2009, thank you for your support". Woohoo something to feel good about!

I'm sure I'll miss the just for laughs show and the taiwanese food shows, but they are no compensation for the inane shit that we have to put up with most of the time. If you aren't a snobbish rich kid who has never taken the bus before, then you've probably been forced to watch a local food show.

And you might have observed that the difference between local foodshow hosts (the ones shown on mobiletv anyway) and good foodshow hosts is that the local ones can't help but get an orgasm when they eat in front of the camera. Once the food is in the mouth, the moaning commences, x 10 the volume if the cook is watching. And the cooks aren't even sexy. And then the host's hand will do that stupid connoisseur motion of squeezing the thumb and index finger together, as if it helps with the orgasm, and when it is finally over, they will say, 'delicious', 'wow', or other forms of limited vocabulary cooked together with zero imagination. Of course, all they succeed in doing to me is to induce a vomit reflex.

And there are worse. There's one time where I watched a show with 3 female hosts (maybe 1 host 2 guests, whatever), so I had to vomit 3 times each time new food was introduced. What the fuck, when you have 3 tasters and 1 type of food, it's obvious the focus is on the people and not the food, so the people had better be chio, but they weren't, so the whole show was ruined.

Let's talk about drama serials next. I must admit that normally, I don't watch them on television, thus most of what I watch comes from mobiletv. Why do normal Singapore serials induce such unpleasant sensations in me? Ok just the tendency to turn away cos it's so bad. Once in a while, there's a serial that's good enough to be exported, but that means that if your life were serials, you would be in jail for 50 years of your 75-year life expectancy. I think I nailed the reason. They're mostly just plain unrealistic. I've never heard real families or people speak in the tone and language used in serials. The stuff the characters say when they get pissed off is just laughable most of the time. And then, when they try to mimic how Singaporeans really speak, they overdo it, but even that is a move in the right direction as it spawned Phua Chu Kang, which I have to admit is funny.

The award-winning ones like Little Nyonya are set in another time and it's more realistic that way because we did not live in that era and will be more flexible in accepting the language and setting of the time. happy new year!