Immortals may live forever, but they sure don't make sense

FREE AT LAST. Until the next semester starts, that is. But the manacles are off for now, and there is no time to waste. The International Shake Leg Movement (ISLM) awaits.

But yes, the movie review. Immortals is the story about the son of a whore who goes on to become a god. Because the story is inherently messy and confusing, allow me to split it into different parts for you.

The movie begins with a riddle. There are four ladies in sexy dresses. Only one of them is a virgin. But they all claim to be virgins (lol right there). The virgin among the four can tell the future. That means if you know who that is, you get a virgin, and a fortune-teller. Two in one, good deal. In this kind of lame movie, the virgin is confirm the most chio one. I know, that doesn't make any sense to me either. ARE THE MEN BLIND?

Then, the narrator says that she'll lose the ability to see the future once she gets laid. In literature, that is called foreshadowing. It means that she's going to get laid soon. And I was right! My literature teacher is going to be so proud. So after she got laid, she couldn't peep into the future anymore. The Virgin Oracle was neither a virgin nor an oracle by that point. In the grand scheme of things, that made her pretty useless. Right until the last part of the movie, where she gave birth to a boy. In summary, all the VO did was get laid and give birth. Better not let AWARE watch this movie.

An interesting side-plot is that of the traitor Lysander. Thinking that he would be rewarded by the villain if he defected, he got a rude surprise when his balls said hello to a sledgehammer. That was nasty. And throughout the movie, the villain(I think his name was Hyperion), offers a masterclass on torture techniques. They range from eye-gouging to boiling, and if you like analysing the gory splitting of body parts, this is the show for you.

The final part of the story is that of the Greek Gods, especially Zeus, who has no notion of the idea that prevention is better than cure. He is plainly a retard and this movie's portrayal is like having the Mythbusters debunk Greek mythology. In the movie, Zeus killed his own son Ares for interfering with human affairs. All Ares wanted to do was to help the Theseus(the protagonist) stop Hyperion from releasing the Titans. In the end, because of Zeus' retardation, the Titans were released, and all the Gods died except Zeus. The Greek Gods are not very god-like.

You may have noticed I haven't talked much about the protagonist Theseus, because he didn't do much. He fought, yes, but that became banal after a while. If all these parts don't seem to link up to a story, yes, that was exactly the feeling I got after watching the movie. Theseus' rise to become a god was not deserved at all. Maybe one day, the boy you see trawling the lorongs of Geylang will be the next prime minister.