Tuition blues

I like to make parallels between the students I take for tuition and Premiership clubs. This is due to my firm belief that as the students' tutor, I make a direct impact on their academic lives, and can therefore be likened to being the manager of this club.

My first student was like Aston Villa Football Club (when they used to be under Martin O'Neill). Not a bad student, but definitely what you wouldn't be calling good as well. They would chase for a top-half finish, and they certainly don't have relegation (= passing) worries.

I went in at a good time, when he was languishing in the bottom half of the Premiership. Like what O'Neill did at Villa, I moved him from scraping relegation to challenging for As.

Unfortunately, I did not get a chance to do an O'Neill on him (ie walk out on the club). The season ended, and so did my contract. There was no renewal - and like the great Business Law student that I am (my other part-time occupation, apart from football manager), I knew I had no case, so I silently left.

My second student was Wigan Football Club. Relegation threats are constant, and the players just don't have the heart to play football. (He didn't feel like studying.)

Until they realise there are only 3 games left in the league.
(Until he realises there are only 3 weeks left to O levels.)

I was called in to do emergency rescue, and he secured a B4 for his O levels. Not the best of results, but there's only so much you can do with Wigan. He moved on to Poly, and as I only wanted to manage Premiership (secondary school) clubs, I had to bid him goodbye.

After these two stints, my agent decided to go one better and sign me up with Chelsea Football Club. This one was a major disaster. I was like Claudio Ranieri dealing with troublesome Chelsea players with an attitude.

See, Chelsea under Ranieri thought they were good - but evidently not THAT good, since they didn't win jack under him. After a while, Chelsea declared themselves independent of a manager. I was fired.

Today I took on my fourth club, and from the title you know it won't be Arsenal or Manchester United.

Well but I'm tired now, so that will be for another time.

Stay tuned.