Today I will tell you a Secret...

I was on the bus the other day, staring at the scenery zooming past, scenery so familiar I could tell if a leaf had fallen from a tree. That is usually more interesting than staring at the other people in the bus, because staring at other people generally exhibits animalistic instincts like attraction or disgust.

Let's face it, the only reasons we continuously stare at someone are that she has face/boobs/legs/butt that look like angel/watermelons/stilts/baboons' respectively or she has face/boobs/legs/butt that look like monster/brinjals/trotters/buses.

How often have you thought to yourself 'This thing is so ugly it's bewildering...I must find out why it's so ugly (and continue staring at it)!'. Never? Well watch this video

Anyway, none of these things happened on the bus, but just as I was minding my own business, there was some mind-thumping music. the IQ-decreasing kind that makes parents cover the ears of their children. Now who is that inconsiderate son a of bitch. You know how is it with stereotypes, and already in that few seconds, the image formed in my head of a guy in skinny jeans and possibly a tattoo or two. with a rotten attitude. and the stupid handphone blasting crap. I got ready my parang. It was going to be a hard fight.

And my jaw dropped when I realised there was no douchebag with a phone. The source of the retarded music was a demure Malay girl. And there was no phone. She was wearing earphones.

Now, being able to listen to music from someone else's earphones is not a new phenomenon. In fact, I did the same thing one time on a bus, when some idiot sat next to me. I even had to demand that the idiot change a song because he was looping some chinese rock song to rock himself to sleep. He resisted, but after I told him I was Ip Man, he obediently complied with my orders.

But this Malay girl was different. She was special. After all, I was not sitting next to her. It was a single-decker bus with loud engine noise and all. I was standing at least 5 metres away. And yet I could hear every alphabet in the song (and no, it's not the alphabet song). She is a veritable shining beacon of light for those who want to be deaf. Maybe she is an alien trying to masquerade as one of our species, and failing miserably.

I do have another idea: it was all a prank designed to irritate. Enter the Speaker Earphones

See the sinister little holes at the back of the earphones? That is where the music is actually coming from. Here's how to use this baby:

Step 1 : Find some obnoxious music you know everyone will hate. (don't worry the earpieces act as earplugs for you)

Step 2: Get to a public place where there are lots of people piss off.

Step 3: Play the music on your speaker earphones.

Step 4: Shake leg and enjoy as most people feel like punching you, but reason that they don't want to since you are torturing yourself the most with the crap music. Meanwhile, you're enjoying the silence your earpieces provide.

Step 5: When the battery runs out, go home to charge and repeat from step 1.

The Life of a Big-Tits Girl

Today, I had to take my guinea pig to the vet. My guinea pig is this furry furry ball of total cuteness. It has large inquisitive eyes that peer at you in a perpetual state of wonder. It also has long glossy fur that I can style into a Mohawk. My guinea pig is not like a hamster. It does not run away even if I open the cage door, and it does not bite. If you scratch its ears, it will half-close its eyes in a pure show of bliss. In short, awwsome.

Well, the problem was that recently, beneath the veneer of the fur coat, it was losing weight. I felt its tiny body, and all there was was skin and bones. It's the kind that you probably never felt before because Singapore stopped starving sometime in the last century. I assumed that it was due to dental problems. Maybe fat people can go get dental problems. Anyway, a vet seemed like the man for the job. A woman, as it turned out.

The highlight was undoubtedly the trip to the vet. Everyone, from the obese woman to the foreign talent to the old man, was staring at me, or rather the guinea pig. I thought maybe I had put bunny ears on it, but I looked, and I hadn't. And everyone was just staring, staring and staring, it felt kind of rude. That must be how a girl with big tits feels.

Give this man a ticket to Romania

There are only three things that I know Romania for. Gypsies, Dracula, and most recently, Dr Silviu Ionescu. Now if you've been following the papers, you'll know that Dr Silviu Ionescu is the piece of shit who hit two people while drink-driving, failed to admit it, and even lied about his car having been stolen.

Certainly, he is not the first, nor will he be the last. But in Singapore, there is only one thing that happens to people like that. They go to jail. Dr Silviu Ionescu hides behind his diplomatic immunity and goes back to Romania for a holiday instead.
 
Remember the stories we read as kids where there's always an evil guy with a totally screwed-up moral compass? As I grew older, I thought those were simply stories, because in the real world, there are always nuances, gray areas and different standards or morality. For example, it is hard to consider a person who steals just to feed his family a force of pure evil. 

Fortunately, with Dr Ionescu, there is no such ethical dilemma. He is simply a liar, a murderer, a coward, who has shown absolutely no repentance for his actions. In fact, he is loathe to even take responsibility for them. On the bright side, it gives Singapore no reservations to condemn him as a united nation. Can you imagine if he had said sorry? Half of Singapore would have shouted "Fuk you! Sorry no cure!" while the other half would have said, "Aiya he say sorry liao, what you want him to do?" But he didn't. So we don't have a problem calling him a scumbag together.

Unfortunately, Dr Ionescu's house in Romania is presumably beyond the range of our F-16s. Even if Romania waives the diplomatic immunity of Dr Ionescu (and they should, unless they're a country of evil fucks like him), he can still sit on his fat ass in Romania because Singapore does not have an extradition treaty with Romania, meaning there's no way to drag him back. It is at pressing times like this that we wonder, why doesn't Singapore have more nutjobs? Maybe one of them can be self-sacrificial, go to Romania and kick Dr Ionescu's ass? With this line of thought, I trawled through the net for that special person for the special mission, and found him... Singapore's only hope...

This is the dude who set an MP on fire. I believe Singapore has few people as crazy as him, which makes him apt. Give this man a ticket to Romania, and watch him kick Dr Ionescu's ass. Enough said.