The Ho's Guide to Looking Sexy

It always happens like this. A few days before a test, I get stressed out, and I borrow a novel. The novel is such a godsend compared to whatever drivel I have been studying that I forget about studying altogether.

At 8.15am tomorrow, I will take my mid-term paper for Conflicts of Law. On my desk staring at me lovingly is an old worn-out copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I have already read through half of it over yesterday and today. It is a mind-blowing piece of work. 'Mind-blowing', as opposed to 'mind-fucking', which is what my law readings are.

At 8.15am tomorrow, I will take my mid-term paper for Conflicts of Law. I already know the answer. It's forty-two. 

Fevers

I think a fever is what happens when the brain levels up to the next level of consciousness.

The Serious Solution to Singapore's Declining Birth Rate (finally!)

I am sure many people know la, but it has just got to be stated that Singapore has a birthrate problem because those in charge don't think out of the box. They think that Baby Bonus, Social Development Unit, childcare centers blablabla are all innovative ideas that involved 'thinking out of the box'. But they don't, and that's why they don't work. Nowadays, there are so many so-called innovations that people are fed up and don't give a shit about these innovations anymore. So true thinking out of the box, which has always been about being contrarian, has become thinking from inside the box. Confused? If you can think inside the box outside the box, then you have gained enlightenment, my friend.

From inside the box outside the box, the answer to Singapore's birth rate problem is of course to have arranged marriages in Singapore. And not like in the old days when you need your mother your father your grandmother your grandfather or even pay a matchmaker to find someone. Such a waste of resources. The fact that Singapore is an administratively-efficient country should be exploited and the arranged marriage will be balloted.

Everyone will ballot for a spouse. Nowadays, with technology, can just put everybody in an excel sheet and use the random function. I assure you any army corporal in the Ops department of an army battalion would be capable of doing something simple like that.

And of course the ballot is compulsory. Like National Service. On a certain day of each year, there can be held a ballot, say for all the guys aged 25 and girls aged 23. Then every guy is matched with a gal. If there's a shortfall of any sex, we do what we do best - import foreign talent. And voila, at the end of the ballot, everyone has a spouse.Everybody gets a fair chance, so if your spouse happens to have a hairy back and saggy boobs, there ain't no one to blame but luck.

One of the complaints must be that the people don't get a choice as to who they marry. But some people never get a choice anyway. For example, I imagine that under the current system there are people who spend time honing their scientific research skills for the benefit of mankind instead of developing social skills and hence are unattractive. These selfless people can finally get married in a ballot.

And for those who get a choice under the current liberal system, statistics show that they aren't very good at making that choice anyway. Divorce rates don't lie. So in true Singapore fashion, we let the State make the choice, and the State generously delegates that task to the random function of the excel sheet.

The other complaint is that 'but they don't love each other'. And here, we run into the difficult question of 'what is love?' That's a question for the philosophers. Fortunately, there aren't any philosophers in Singapore, so we don't have to answer that question. Singapore is above all, a practical nation. I mean, come on la, I can bet my cock hair there are people who get attached and then married just because they think it's the right time to do so, taking into account on a spreadsheet the biological clock, the career, the life expectancy etc. Doesn't sound much different from a balloted marriage.

Also, we all know that racial, religious harmony etc has always been important in Singapore. Arranged marriages will result in unprecedented social integration, Chinese marry Indian marry Malay. Christians marry atheists. Nobody will dare say Singapore is not a nation of risk-takers anymore. It will be any social engineer's wet dream.

If you still don't buy my idea, think of the lonely hearts who will be lonely no more. Pissed off at the spouse with the hairy back and saggy boobs maybe, but definitely not lonely.

There will of course have to be someone who is in charge of the excel sheet yearly for the ballot. This entity has to have the highest integrity, cos it will be very tempting to cheat and tamper with the results. Talkcocksummit unequivocally volunteers to take on this burden for the good of the nation. 

The Conspiracy Theory

Someone said I should blog here; and given my recent propensity to try everything except my Advanced Audit tutorial (still undone by the way), I have duly started writing out this post.

Yes hello everyone - I'm back after.. two years? Three? I can't even remember which came later; my last login to Neopets or my last post on Talk Cock Summit. Regrettable - but I think I will be logging into my Neopets account soon, as the Altador Cup should be just round the corner. Watch this space as I fill you guys in on my Altador Cup escapades.

Of course, that is assuming I remember my birthday. Not the real one, I don't have much trouble remembering that. I meant my Neopets birthday. Everyone has a real birthday and a Neopets birthday.

So I was supposed to blog about The Conspiracy Theory, but turned out I didn't because I digressed. It's just like me and my Advanced Audit tutorial. Fun fact: I was supposed to start doing it at twelve, but I decided to watch Chelsea fans boo Benitez instead.

Speaking of which, DO YOU KNOW HOW THERAPEUTIC IS THAT?

I never really liked Chelsea, but then again, I never really liked Benitez either. Watching Chelsea fans boo him is like watching my least favourite professor having a heated argument with the fucking annoying asshole in front who always asks stupid questions in order to get his class participation marks.

Right. In case you are wondering, no I am not referring to any particular person. I AM JUST SAYING.

Blogging at this time of night is not really healthy I should say. Then again, neither is doing my Advanced Audit tutorial. Hmm it's now half past two and I think I just won't do it anymore.

Oh wait, was I supposed to talk about The Conspiracy Theory?

I guess I've forgotten all about it. I think it was something about university education system here, but there's nothing about it that you cannot find on NUS Confessions or on Hardwarezone or EDMW (loves Singapore, might I add).

You know, while I've been away from here, social media has evolved to a stage where blogging isn't cool anymore. (Where did you think I went?)

So I guess, that's all for now. I don't have much left to say.

Maybe something interesting that you all want to know (whoever is still reading this blog..) would be that YL and I have set up a hedge fund. We aren't listed yet, but only because we think that the time isn't ripe. The amount we currently have in the fund is hardly enough to buy a cocktail at Pangaea, much less sponsor the whole going-public process.

Which means we need to wait until YL gets his law degree and myself, an accounting degree.

In effect, I guess that's why I am in university. All for this hedge fund.

People might question my motives and ask whether I'm being daft, putting myself through four years of hard work and toil just to get my fund listed without the help of others, when I can simply use the hedge fund to earn money to hire professionals??

This is akin to buying a car because you want air-conditioning.

But I think you all must understand that I am a great fan of Mario Balotelli. Sometimes, the reason may be complex, sometimes not so. And the reason, ladies and gentlemen, of why I have to get my degree for this hedge fund is.............

...........because I can.

Words of wisdom. Now I can sleep in peace.