Left for Dead

My situation: stay out, subject to no work.

So that's more or less like I'm a part of the normal Singapore workforce, unlike most people studying. I've learnt a lot, and the things to hate about work. Like meetings. Many scenarios can happen after a meeting is scheduled:

Meeting cancelled: yeeeyy

Fall sick and stay home: yeyy

Assuming that both of these don't happen, be prepared for a rather shitty time, with bullshit being the main focus. It generally starts out fine, everyone's optimistic many things can resolved somehow by more talking heads, talking heads that never appear except for meetings with a big boss. But when the agenda drags on for more than half an hour, morale dips to 'cb another dedication of my life to my country' levels and everyone sits a little lower in their chairs. Then, you watch with horror as everyone starts to morph into zombies. You, my friend, are the survivor, and here's where my new characters for the computer game Left for Dead comes in.

The Bull: Works like the character Boomer, but instead of spewing a disgusting, sticky goo, this one emanates shit like nobody's business. bullshit. Usually starts with "i think we can blahblahblah..." or "In my previous unit, we did blahblahblah..." You know that's an enormous catastrophe, it's like you see the asteroid casting a shadow as it comes crashing into earth and you just cross your trembling fingers and hope that the bullshit doesn't land splat in your face. The bull usually spawns close to Legolas (see below)

Ultimate move: Bullshit Storm
This is a sad way to die as your spirit, your intelligence, your dignity are all crushed mercilessly by the tonnes of bullshit falling from the sky. You are finally covered, and not a trace of you can be seen.

The Finger A: The finger A says "Oh this thing is X do one. You can ask him about that." or " Oh i thought X was supposed to do that as we agreed on during the last meeting" (X may be a zombie too so in that case you can watch a zombie-fight for once!). But sometimes this isn't a wise move because it's so directly confrontational. And what if the minutes prove it wrong? Then the finger would be pointing back at itself!

Ultimate move: Finger Stab
If you get this, you end up with holes all over your body from the finger stabs. From those holes, pple know they can fuck you.

The Finger B: The finger B is a more evolved version of the finger B and has an attribute of 20 for subtlety. It says, "I take full responsibility for the shit that happened... but actually it's his fault not my fault" The absurdity of this sentence is sometimes clouded by the zombie-ish setting. It's like saying," I'm sorry but actually i'm not sorry"

Ultimate move: Finger Stab (with longer fingernail than above)
See above, with twice the damage.

The Brain: woah this zombie is smart. Somehow through gossip and stuff, this zombie actually knows everything that's going on, but that doesn't mean it has done anything about it. But because it knows everything, it is assumed it did or was involved in the work. Nobody can lift a finger against the brain because it just knows too much.

The Goat: The goat is the noobiest of the zombies. Most of the time, it gets the blame for every shit that happens. The goat must be in the unique position that its not junior enough to "act blur live longer" and not senior enough to "wah lau it's all my stupid insubordinate subordinate's fault". So why should you fear the goat? Because the goat's bleatings can be damn irritating, like a witch's screech. The goat will say stuff like this," so now everything is my fault loh, but I did so and so and -tonnes of excuses later- proceeds to gore you with horns if you walk away. And of course you, the cynical you, will be thinking to yourself, "Now you're bleating yourself silly about the shit that happens to you when all you've been doing is leaving crap all over the place."

Ultimate move: Death Bleat

Legolas
Handsome, dashing Legolas is the champion of the show. Shooting arrows all over the place, this is the man you need to keep clear of, or keep within ass-kissing distance of, depending on what type of person you are. The undoubted leader, his fearsome arrows put the fear of god into the hearts of all present.

Ultimate move: Arrow Fury
You die a horrible death, with arrows sticking through all of your body

Your job, being the survivor, is as the name suggests, to survive. Though it's not easy, i wish you luck! And because my inexperience has limited my imagination, i recommend that you read Dilbert for the ultimate survival guide!

Fairytale ending?

After watching the final episode of The Little Nyonya, I thought I'd seen the last of that sobby show. Not that it was a bad show, in fact I quite enjoyed it. Just that I thought yes it's over finally time to get on with my life and stop being addicted.

Well, not quite.

Wednesday's report in the papers said that viewers kpkb that the ending was NO GOOD. That Chen Xi and Yueniang didn't end up together, wtf!! So no fairytale ending = bad ending!!

I was stunned to read that some viewer actually cried when she found out they were separated. Okayy... even though I won't say I've never cried in my life, I certainly don't do it over a serial. Or for a movie, for that matter (because I'm not Emolin).

Anyway who said it wasn't a happy ending. Did they not see the joy on Yueniang's face when the Caucasian proposed to her? Since she's already half Jap it doesn't hurt mixing more Caucasian blood into the gene pool. It's common knowledge mixed kids usually turn out smarter than most, and more handsome than most.

So how the eff is that a poor ending? Plus Chen Xi and his wife had SIX kids. SIX KIDS LE... it's like they had SIXXX so much that they had half a dozen worth of kids. Can play 5-a-side rugby with one waterboy/reserve. How is that a bad ending?

Next time I urge ST to be more discretive when they wish to air the views of the audience. It's so retarded I was like roflmao when I opened the Life! spread. Although it made my day - so actually ST should publish more of such articles.

Tonight they will play the alternative ending to "The Little Nyonya" - where Chen Xi and Yueniang get together. That is awful rubbish, since we know that these ideal situations seldom happen in life. Life sucks, and the viewers ought to face it.

Who said Yueniang liked Chen Xi in the first place anyway? If she really did she would not have rejected him so many times. Forcing Yueniang to marry Chen Xi would be akin to letting Yuzhu marry Robert Zhang - an unhappy marriage leading to JACK SHIT.

Therefore I feel that the original ending was ideal.

As for whether Yueniang is fireproof..

..who gives a damn, it's a bloody show for show's sake.

Okay now I'm off to catch the 5-minute special edition where they get together. Just to satisfy some retarded viewers' cravings. Ahahaha I would have blogged longer but too bad, service to the nation right after the 5-minute edition.

Next week I'll try to blog earlier. lol

Wanted: VIDEOCAM

YL and I wanted a videocam for very important purposes, and we know not of many who has one. In fact, we only know of one person. Since both of us don't have videocams (in case I didn't say that earlier, which I didn't), we decided to approach him for a very important loan.

In order to fulfil our very important purpose.

For anonymity purposes, our friend is named as c, the constant in our equation. I'm J for short, then obviously the YL is L.

How To Persuade A Good Friend To Lend You Something
And How To Hedge A Subject
And Talk A Lot Of Cock On The Way There
(edited and modified)

j- hello.
c- yoyo.
l- hey c we need you very badly.
(that's persuasion due to desperate need)

c- ya right.
l- okay more specifically we need your videocam.
(now he's coming clean..)

c- you want my wife then say so.
l- we know you come with your camera..
j- that's wrong. you COME with your WIFE?
(that's talking cock, by the way)

c- so who you want to spy on? hot chicks?
j- eh lets go lanning this sat. (diverting subject)
c- no i can't lan
j- eh i owe you money anyway
c- u do?
j- no i meant yl
l- lol
(time wastage due to talking cock. we're good)

j- back to the topic! videocam! you're not using it?
c- no.. why you using it for?
j- eh yl but we not much time le.. (i'm super unfocused)
c- just get straight to the point!
j- sorry i'm like arsenal. (c's an arsenal fan)
l- we got all the time in the world..
j- i dribble.. i hang around.. shoot everywhere except the goal..
j- wave to the fans.. (pushing my luck..)
l- arsenal can't win.
(negative example. please don't insult the guy's favourite team if you want a favour.)

c- LOL quick. what you need my cam for?
l- so what do you think we need it for?
(questioning techniques.)

l- is it edible?
j- is it sexable?
j- man needs two basic things. FOOD! SEX!
c- oh. so you need to film some porn shit.
j- maybe porn. but SHIT? that's just gross.
c- you guys won't take pics of food. that's just gay.
c- but you might film shit. (ouch..)

l- c asks the best questions possible..
c- i don't get it. i must be fortune's fool. (which was his nick)
j- well acc to your nick you ARE fortune's fool..
c- okay i get it. YOU GUYS JUST WANT ME.
c- NOT MY CAMERA. LEAVE MY WIFE ALONE.
(gee.. such an accusation, i was real hurt man.)

l- yea. so that's settled then.
l- okay the gist is that..
c- lan on saturday?
(see what talking cock and hedging the issue has done..)

l- (ignoring c) you asked what we wanted your video cam for..
l- which of course would be to make videos.
l- but you still asked.
c- (exasperated?) yeah i mean what kind of videos =.=

(then i start the nonsense all over again.)
j- wait i thought you said you couldn't lan?
l- okay we want to make a video that entertains, in a way thats acceptable to us
(now he's being really specific.)
c- just have me inside. that's good enough =)=)
j- LOL YOU SAID IT BETTER NOT REGRET

(note: last time i posted sth about c online this girl fell madly in love with him.)

c- HAHA FUCK U LOL
c- you gonna post it on TCS? (oops.)
l- that's interesting. you can teach everyone how to chase a girl.
c- speak for yourself yl you're the girl killer! (tables are turned!)
c- you're the girl killer. every girl on the __________ had a crush on you!

Editor's note: Sensitive information! But it's true there was one period of time there was this indeterminate number of girls having a crush on YL. Or maybe all the while. Unfortunately mesdemoiselles he's already taken, so sorry. Back to the convo.

l- yea. but that wasn't funny.
j- LOL. (wasn't it.)
l- we need entertainment.
c- well u try charming the rj canteen aunties. tell them they're on film and they are very pretty. and flirt with them. and try to get a discount. if u dun piss them off by paying in 5 cents coins.

Editor's note: I did that once. They weren't pleased. Ah and I meant paying in 5 cents coins, not the flirting bit LOL.

l- that's just mean, and we're not in sch anymore.
l- you want to try cookhouse aunties?
c- no. its they who want to try me.
l- now you're starting (the digression).

convo suddenly degens and we're talking about who's going to camp tomorrow and whatnot. it gets really bad until c pulls us all back into the convo.

c- i can lend you all. but you all never say how long, when, why..
l- like saf logbook like that..
l- make video for tcs la!!

And that concludes our conversation, because the purpose had been revealed.

Hope you learnt something there.

Holiday!

Upon entering the alternate reality, when we have no idea what's in store for us, it's a rite of passage for almost all to go on a sweet holiday package not offered to outsiders. Information as follows, take a brochure!

16D/15N Te Kong Delight

offering:

• unspoilt greenery

Trek through the unspoilt primary jungles of Singapore, witness the good, the bad, and the nasty (mother big centipedes that can bite off an ass or two). These jungles are also where you will learn your camping skills and attempt to do stargazing at night.

• swimming pool with sea view

This is quite impressive, it's the only swimming pool in singapore with a sea view. Too bad it's not often that we use it.

• guided tour along Te Kong coastline

This takes place quite early on to introduce the various amenities available to tourists. Subsequently, every morning you are able to enjoy the scenic view when you do a leisurely jog as part of the health and fitness programme.

• all meals included

Can't say the food's good, but it's free what more can you ask for?

• modern department store

This store has most modern conveniences that one needs, but the queer thing is that most of the things are in green or black, but these colours are always in fashion so not to worry.

• watch sunset and stars with friends

So throughout the course of the package, there'll be some ceremonies that occur in the evening and this is the time when you can just stand there and look at the stars. If you're wondering why i keep talking about stargazing, it's because there are so many you can see, as opposed to singapore.

• training programme for optimum fitness

You also have a fitness programme that is tailored for you. It's really progressive training.

• Life coaches with many years of experience

This is of course the best part. It's always the people that make the difference. And the wisdom of the coaches cannot be questioned. Here's their various snippets of wisdom in reaction to everyday events.

When some bugger does something stupid:
"stupid got no medicine".
A profound observation that, in spite of all the advances in medicine and technology, there's no cure for stupidity. With that, he has identified a global problem of vast scale that modern society has not even begun to solve. An oblique critique of the medical system today.

Fun fact of the day:
"by the way, fuck backside very pain".
Yea the lesson ended with this very random and totally irrelevant fun fact. But nonetheless enlightening. I mean, who would know before he said it?

Philosophy on love:
"True love is injection in the middle section without objection"
The source of heated debate for centuries, and we're no closer to an answer, but the coach gives his esteemed opinion.

Scolding someone:
"defunct sperm product"
Finally, one insult that insults the father. Mothers have been having it bad what with all the insults like motherfucker and son of a bitch. This is the age of gender equality.

Praising someone:
"Jonathan's a good boy, he's a virgin"
We didn't really have to know that.

On patience:
"of course must wait la, even pregnant also must wait 9 months"
The usual response to something like this is laughter, then '...' then??? what the hell does pregnancy have to do with anything we're doing?

Synonym for "All of you guys":
"Every father's mother's son"
I have no idea why they would substitute a shorter phrase for a longer phrase, but i assume it's to add emphasis on who they're addressing, and to wake up the people who are sleeping before continuing.

On pain:
"Fuck also pain, no pain no gain, the beauty is at the end"
a rather warped way of using no pain no gain, but effective in conveying the message.

On the wrong attitude:
"Everyday wake up 'Cheebye another day!'"
A comical way of depicting pessimists, but a gross exaggeration because even the diehard pessimists don't start cursing first thing in the morning. But i can imagine this is a good way to vent it when life really sucks that much.


And of course, when inspired by such great language, even young guys come up with memorable quotes.
King kenny:
"The worst 3 days of my life are coming to an end...the 4th is about to start"
well king kenny wasn't exactly an optimist, but this is very quotable.

Come to think of it, despite the fact that virtually all the quotes are grammatically flawed, it was a great lesson on effective communication.

So it was quite an attractive package, though it paled in comparison to the Brunei Bonanza and the Thailand Thong Party that were to follow in terms of adventure. Well, personally i gained some insights after going on Te Kong Delight. Some of them confirm the way i see the world, some of them adjust the way i see the world, and some of them turn me upside down and make me see the world that way.

Hygiene:
The package taught me that hygiene really isn't important. If i already said that in previous posts, i was kidding then. So this time, my hands and fingernails were muddy and all, and water was really meant for drinking, not washing, so with my muddy hands, i took a biscuit and popped it into my mouth. One day, two days, nope no diarrhea. So essentially, all the things that we do for hygiene in our everyday life are somewhat redundant.

Hair:
Have you wondered why Singapore has failed to produce a single rock star? Yea, actors, playwrights, poets, we have them all, but why no rock star, or at least one that i have heard of? That's because singapore guys have a serious lack of hair. Rock stars need hair, because

a) they need to cover up their ugly faces, if only for a moment
b) it can amplify the fact that their heads are grooving along to the music too. In a music hall, if you're botak, the audience sitting some distance away can't really tell whether you're moving your head along or not.
c) hair allows them to have more choices for fashion. If you have hair, you can dye your hair a rainbow hue, come up with funny hairstyles like 10 pigtails, but if you're botak, what are you going to do, paint your head?

Unfortunately, fate hasn't been kind to singaporean guys. Since young, there has been strict hair discipline. In school, there are always hair checks, and the sad thing is you don't know how mild the punishments actually are until you have graduated from school. For example, schools can give you detention but they can't give you confinement. So, in schools, we cut hair, and in te kong, we shave hair, and after that it's too late to be a rock star, or the testosterone catches up and theres a receding hairline. So that's why Singapore has no rock stars!

I Love Parades!

One thing about the alternate reality is that there are many different types of parades. But generally, a parade involves you showing yourself off to someone, presenting the best possible image. Still they differ greatly.

a) defaulter's parade

The tradition of this parade began in 1883 in the British Army, when a soldier was unable to repay his debt to his comrade, and was made to march at fast pace around the camp as punishment. Thus evolved the practice of employing defaulter's parade as the preferred form of punishment for stupid offences. Today, proud participants of the defaulter's parade hold their heads up high as they march at breakneck pace and turn round and round on the spot and then vomit. Yes it's that violent.

b) show parade

Just as the name suggests, it's for show. That's for offences like if you show up in slippers, with an ugly afro, an ugly mohawk or the like. Then you'd have to rectify your problem (trim your afro into the shape of a helmet) or say you're sikh and then show the guy who punished you what a changed man you are.

c) passing out parade

I always had this idea that the passing out parade would be a mass of people fainting at the same time, kinda like a party where everyone overdoses at the same moment, though that would take some coincidence. But it's not. Passing out parade usually means you can finally get out of the place you trained in, usually not known as a happy place.

d) master parade

Master parade is just a parade conducted when the dude feels like it. So you dress your best, and try to be the cellophane man in chicago, meaning invisible. No long hair, nothing out of place. And pray that no fire burns (means no weekend burn)

e) commissioning parade

The greatest thing that the commissioning parade has taught me is that a great mass of people doing the same action, whatever that action may be, makes for a great spectacle. So let's say you have 500 people on parade, and they all scratch their asses in the same way at the same time, that would make for a great show too. That is the power of military precision. At the same time, it tells me that people only watch the first few rows, and if you're at the back, you can pretty much screw up the parade anyway you want cos nobody cares. But we all screwed up anyway.

Explorations of the Alternate Reality

Blogging is like taking a dump. Except that i take a dump way more often than i blog. Hopefully, this exception can be remedied by the inspiration that the travels into the alternate reality has given me. 5 notebooks worth of shit, that's how much inspiration i have, it's a miracle i'm not exploding. Now i shall state a fact about the alternate reality.

In the alternate reality, different species wear berets of different colours. These are seemingly random choices coming out from crayola colours, but they are not. The colours are in fact an ingenious contingency plan in case electricty fails. Do take a look at the following pictures.
























Traffic lights! Sorry, wanted to use some real pictures but couldn't find any.

Something out of nothing

Q: What happens when a few young officer cadets get commissioned by the President?

A: They go right back to a blog that has been long dead and try to revive it, because as second lieutenants of the Singapore Armed Forces, it is their duty to be responsible for the training and welfare of the men that they are in charge of.

--

Okay that might be somewhat random. The question doesn't make any sense, and neither does the answer. And you might be thinking a blog isn't exactly a man. True that.

Then again we at TCS believe that everything occurs illogically, thus whether the past few paragraphs makes sense or not is immaterial.

What matters is that we're back. Back and hopefully here to stay.

Like a group of soldiers watching as the sky darkens and a heavy downpour commences, delaying their start to yet another tiring exercise. They know that the rain is back, and hopefully here to stay.

It's never easy to start posting again. You might not know it but actually I've been trying to post since Sunday - because I haven't posted for too long. I have this theory that blogging is like taking a dump.

(Please don't read on if you just had your meal.)

If you don't shit for too long, you get constipation. Same thing in blogging. Therefore it can be pointed out correctly that I am suffering from blog-stipation. Just look at how I type (granted you can't see so I can lie to you anyway) - I'm typing slowly, jerkily and wondering what comes next.

If you eat the wrong food, you get diarrhoea. Referring to my earlier posts, a dose of something nasty or amusing sets me off. I get all excited and post like I've never owned a blog before. Maybe I'd offer you a post worth ten finger-rolls of the mouse. That is bloggrea.

Quite so, yes.

Well YL and I were chatting a little, trying to see who could be inspired enough to post. He made an effort to post just there, but he didn't want to show off his new post yet so he saved as draft. That is called holding it in, or the hokkien peng would call "kek" - which suspiciously sounds like the.. thing produced from the above-mentioned metaphor.

It shows that as long as you have the determination and effort, you can always hold your crap in.

As for me, I'm bone dry of inspiration but I opened the Blogger window. And I made sure I had to type something. That's like going to the toilet and camping there, knowing that after so much constipation you just have to shit out something.

And here you are. The effort will pay off, trust me.

(This experience is similar to what I had back in SAFTI. I really could not force anything out in the excessively smelly toilets of Delta Wing but upon applying brute force and camping in the toilet, I finally did it. Even though it wasn't much it's better than nothing.)

Don't let constipation beat you. Make sure you have a healthy.. toxin-clearing habit.

Blog-stipation won't last forever. We're going to have healthy blogging habits.

Watch this space, this post will be going down, down all the way to the bottom of the page. Just like the s**t being flushed down to the bottom of the sewage.

We are back. (if Rockson can post once a year well SO CAN WE.)

Songlist from A levels

Studying is always a damn lonely process, even if you study with others. That's why the people who study the most usually have no friends. When you're in the zone, you're all alone (hey it rhymes!). If you talk cock with your friend, you're not actually studying. But if you don't, you might as well be studying alone. Then some idiots say they can talk about the intellectual stuff that they're revising, but then those people you call weirdos, not friends. So that leaves music as the ethereal companion for your soul throughout the tumultuous times of denial, anguish, frustration, humiliation, relief and joy, roughly in that order. Why that order? (Might have been blogged about before but i can't remember)

1. Step 1 is always denial. As follows "i am so bloody smart, i am high and mighty ah jay see student i refuse to believe i don't understand this!"

2. Step 2 is anguish. i.e., wah knnccb HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEE!! This would be an appropriate time to change the song playing to How Could This Happen To Me by Simple Plan. An alternative scenario for the religious would be HOW COULD GOD DO THIS TO ME!! (Ans: Like that loh). You can even change the lyrics of the chorus to how could god do this to me.

3. Step 3 is frustration, i.e. Wah die liao sure fail A-levels howhowhowhow?!! Fail then cannot go university then cannot earn money might as well DIE! the mood then would be exemplified by Down the Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day.

4. Step 4 is humiliation. i.e. Cannot do this question, so humiliating go jiaksai la. But then pull out so much hair over this question liao cannot pull anymore later go bald even before NS, so you end up asking some higher authority, most likely to be members of your study group. There is a rule that governs study groups, and that is that members always get the same grades. so most likely, they also don't know how to do. Like that even more humiliating. Why my friends all so stupid. If you ask a teacher, then it depends on the teacher. Some can go doodeladey without answering anything, some use the i'll-get-back-to-you-later scam or the i'll-find-out-for-you scam, and of course some will do what they're paid to do and answer your questions. When you're humiliated, i suggest I Started a Joke by Bees Gees.

5. Whatever the case, step 5 is relief, after you find out that
case 1: your friends don't know how to do it,
case 2: your teachers don't know how to do it
or case 3: your teachers tell you the answer, it's all cause for relief.

6. Step 6 is joy. 'Heck la, whatever, won't come out for As". This statement has more than 90% probability of coming true. See, only 1 set of papers come out of As. Let's say you do 10 papers. Even a slacker like me would have done 10 sets of papers if you include the common tests and the prelims and the mock papers. Assuming everything that comes out of As comes from the papers you have done, only one tenth of what you have done will come out. So each question has one-tenth chance of coming out, but that's assuming everything that comes out of As comes from the papers you have done, so the actual probability of it not coming out for As is even higher. Of course, you can say the exact same question will never come out for As, but let's just give the definition more space. So after all the thinking, one reverts back to the natural state, which is joy, since the point of life is to be happy. happytime!

But i digress. This was meant to be about a songlist. So here goes

1. We Are the Champions by Queen
This is a classic. This guy who wrote and performed this is a genius... and a gay.

2. 笨小孩 by Andy Lau, Jacky Wu and Blacky Ke
Another classic. It tells you that god, actually more of dua peh gong, favours stupid kids. It says that if im stupid, god will favour me, but if im not, i don't need it anyway, so either way, i win. An inspiration to us all.

3. I Believe I Can Fly by R.Kelly
So popular when first launched, most people have forgotten it by now. It's suitable for all occasions where inspiration is needed, except when you're drunk and on high buildings.

4. Hero by Mariah Carey
Don't care about the singer, don't care about the music, the title says it all.

5. Always look on the bright side of life by don't know who (but i listen to the monty python version on youtube)
You got nothing, started with nothing, so you lost nothing!

6. YMCA by Village People, though the version by Hard Gay on youtube is funny.
Sometimes, you have to admit it, the gays make great music! One day i will go to the ymca and have a great time.

Songs you should not listen to while studying

1. 对面的女孩看过来 by 阿牛
Tut tut nonono.You can't have any distractions while you study.

2. Holiday by Green Day
Somebody said, everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to do what it takes to get there. It's not the same here, but sometimes we look so much at the destination (the holidays after As) that we forget the journey(studying for As). Ok so maybe it's only me, so change the we to I.

So this conlcudes my songlist, a little short, but effective nonetheless, assuming i listen to music when i work in the first place.

Note: My knowledge of songs is limited and i like it that way.

Concert Promotion!

It's yj with a piano concert on the 3rd december titled "cockupsession@amphitheatre"! A very artistic name indeed for a very artistic show. Even the poster is so artistic. It's a matinee show at 2pm so you all better come ah. Featured songs include 'We Are The Champions' (obviously and we of course includes me) and depends on yj's mood at that moment. Not many of you know this, but yj was actually a music prodigy who entered ri through the direct admissions programme. For almost six years in secondary school and junior college, he kept his talent hidden because he knew all the people in school were deadbeats and would not be able to afford to pay him to play, but finally he's decided to unleash his immense talent upon us like someone who hasn't pissed for an entire week and decides to finally let loose the tsunami. But of course it's not free. Ticket prices start at 68 dollars for those standing around, where the view sucks, 88 dollars for sitting on the steps, where the view sucks, 98 dollars for lying on the floor around yj, where the view still sucks and finally 158 dollars for sitting on the piano chair (whatever that thing pianists sit on is called) with yj, subject to availability. This doesn't suck. There must be a reason why the piano chair is so long, and the only reason i can think of is that it's meant for more than one person, cos pianists in general don't seem to have very big butts. Tickets on sale now all outlets of our good friend SISTIC. Be sure to come!

About dentists and soccer

I visited my dentist yesterday, and just because I didn't blog about it in the past doesn't mean it's uneventful. I always enjoy the visits to my dentist because I always get amused. That doesn't mean I come out of the room for the better.

In fact, I usually come out of the dentist's like I've been punched in the mouth. Probably not too far from the truth. Let me give you a lowdown on why my dentist is scary:

1. She has lots of sharp metal instruments. (okay granted she's a dentist, duh)

2. She is rather strong and is not afraid to exert force if the need arises, or even when the need does not arise.

3. She has a tendency (and probably an obligation) to put these sharp metal instruments into my mouth.

The final reason, and the most scary of all:

4. She has a poor aim.

So often I come out like I've had the life sucked out of me. Not exactly, just some blood that's drained. Always when I rinse my mouth I look forward to seeing the water in the colour of iron ferranocyanate. (not sure of spelling)

Basically it's RED. And okay maybe I don't really look forward to it after all.

The thing about my dentist, she likes to talk cock. Which is why I don't really mind bleeding away while she does her thing. She's got an old assistant but they are all quite funny. And they actually think I'm very smart and that sort of ego-boosting is very good for a guy with very low self-esteem like myself.

Conversation usually goes like this (I'd be wearing some form of school uniform when I go to the dentist's somehow):

D(entist): Wa you from Raffles ar. (she forgets EVERY DAMN WEEK)

Me: Ja.

D: RI or RJC? (ANOTHER QUESTION SHE FORGETS. do i look very young?)

Me: RJC. J2. (then i get some metal on my enamel)

D: Oh are your exams over? *at the time it wasn't*

Me: Not yet.. coming up in a month's.. OUCH

D: Oh sorry. Did I hurt you? So how have the tests been.. should be quite okay for you right, RJC people all very smart.

Me: (unable to reply because now the suction thingy is in my mouth and more metal instruments are in. but i think yea right that's what everyone says, popular overrated misconception of the century)

D: Haha so A Levels confirm all As right.

Me: (thinking WTH WHY ASK ME THOSE QUESTIONS WHERE I HAVE GOOD REPLIES WHEN I CAN'T REPLY) mfffgghh! mfff!

D: Oh did it hurt? Sorry ar.. just bear with it.

Me: ...

D: What course you going to do in uni next time? (she's really friendly, I say)

But by then I am unable to reply because one of the sharp instruments is already half in my gum and I am tasting saline for some reason. I start to think about the consequences should be a brain surgeon operating with a scalpel instead of these.. things.

Hmm maybe I should take up Dentistry. Then maybe some sod can blog about me while I happily spam metal into his gum. Which will NOT be fillings.

Anyway, that was about all I wanted to say about dentists. I can continue the story another day. More importantly, TCS has turned into a punter ground and I will be giving you a match preview of the BIG MATCH..

ENGLAND VS CROATIA

Much as you think this match is gonna be big, I say it's going to be super boring because we all know England is not easily beaten at home and Croatia is just plain lame for losing 2-0 to FYR MACEDONIA. Don't even know what FYR stands for. Silly retards.

And the pre-match commentary amuses me to a great extent. Let me give you a graphical representation.

Tough words from both sides, though what they are thinking are probably a whole different issue altogether. Let me give you another representation of what might be running through their minds.

Yup so we all know that actually they really cannot be bothered. I mean think about it. Logic dictates that both sides would want to earn favours for themselves - and if they were to get a package deal for both to qualify.. WHO WOULD DECLINE?
Symbiosis is always good. When both parties benefit, you don't question so much, you just go for the benefit. And that is why I think it's going to be.. you've guessed it.
A DRAW. What's more it's going to be a drab and boring draw.
talkcocksummit's prediction..
or rather just mine: ENGLAND 0 CROATIA 0
Take my word for it and don't watch that stupid match.
Someone is going to be very thankful for Israel's win. Not only is that going to keep his place in the squad, but tonight he'd also have nothing to do because of the England-Croatia Football Treaty So That Everyone Can Qualify.
That bloke is no other than..



MISTER ROBINSON. And if you're sharp and observant enough to notice the score in the top corner, it reads Croatia 2-0 England. With good reason, too, I might add.

Well symbiosis and both to qualify for Euro 2008, I'd say. But after that.. they can both go screw themselves and get knocked out in the first phase because don't we all know these two teams are bloody lousy, going by such a long qualification route in such a damn lousy group.

I shall favour Slaven Bilic's Croatia to win, however, because he was a former West Ham defender. Hammer means power. But my prediction will not change and should the match end in any other result..

No it won't. And that's all I have about dentists and soccer.

I find it absolutely amazing the blog is still here.

Well, well, so what do you know? I find myself in unfamiliar territory, back here saying something which I haven't figured out yet. I am sorry not to have visited more frequently, but I've been trapped in a hell called RJC.

RJC stands for Raffles Junior College. In case you thought I got kidnapped and got stuck in some Rancid Junk Centre. Well but it comes close enough, and no I went to RJC on a voluntary basis. I'm sure you know there's also this thing called the "A" levels. Atrocious, Aggressive, whatever. I don't give a damn what you call it because for me it's over. HAH!


In any case, since Blogger doesn't delete inactive blogs - or since YL has been providing you with his hygiene tips.. I guess this is one very long overdue post. And let's talk about the latest and most important thing in everyone's lives.


Assuming you're an eighteen-year-old. Because if you're not, I assume we'd be talking about last night's soccer match. I do not understand how the hell Israel could beat Russia. But shit happens, and well I think it's okay because I didn't bet on Russia.


Which is a reminder: talkcocksummit has turned eighteen and is eligible to bet with Singapore Pools! Admittedly, though we can talk the cock, money is not funny and so we earn less than we learn.


I digress. Excuse me, I've always been doing that in the past and now is no different. So anyway I was trapped in RJC. I would like to post some pictures, but I don't have a camera and I'm lazy to search it online. Try Googling it.


And don't call me lazy. Our teachers also have done that before. "Hey this is interesting stuff, to know more about *insert insanely complicated shit*, go Google it."


LOL.


Thus the reason for a very good quote today. For those still in the midst of doing the A levels, arguably one of the more important events in your life, always remember this. The world's greatest scientist, Albert Einstein, very famously said:





Don't despair if you do badly. It's not your fault. Every student has a capability to learn and but not every teacher has the capability to teach. By the same argument, when the teachers say students are lazy to learn, it actually means that they're lazy to teach. I'm not talking about my teachers, by the way. I'm just saying IF. You never know - your teacher might just be like that.

That is why do not lapse into self-depression when you do badly. And don't be fooled by your teacher that it's your fault - because they're pushing the blame. In fact, I am a firm believer that you should just heap it all on the teacher, because Albert Einstein says so and before proven wrong, Einstein is always right.

Even though that quote is just one sentence, look beyond its face value. A corollary - that's what you learn from f**king H3 Maths - of Einstein's Teacher Theorem (that's what we'll call it) is that the teacher is always at fault if the problem is due to transferral of knowledge.

Though of course we know that there are other factors as to why a student does not do well. I will take some time to explain this.

1) Luck.
They say "Lady Luck is on your side" when you do well. May I question why Luck must be female? From the student's point of view, Lady Luck always seems to side the girls because from initial observations the girls always do better than the guys in terms of academics. Now, might Lady Luck be lesbian? I doubt it. That is a flawed theory.

Rather, I think Luck must be a guy. He must be a very very perverted guy. In my bloody five examinations in RJC, I have only managed to pass everything on one attempt - the last one. I'm either failing this or failing that.

Where "this" and "that" usually refers to Chemistry, but that's out of point. And I'm out of luck. I find that in cases where luck is involved (ie every case), you never know if the teacher is at fault. Thus we should not unfairly blame teachers.

2) Standards.
Sometimes we sit for a paper expecting it to be similar to what we did in practice. Okay I do not know about you but I expect it ALL THE TIME. But is it so? Well, no.

A study done by a very credible source (myself) has shown that schools' papers are usually out to own your arse. I believe that Cambridge's papers are usually much kinder to us than the school's. In trying some other JC's papers, I thought that if not for RP, I might have been getting my shitass grades elsewhere. Therefore RP is for the win. Though their papers aren't.

In any case my point is that often the schools set tough papers for you. So it's not your fault if you don't do well. It's simply because they plotted it all along. Which means, eh, it's the teacher's fault again! Woohoo!

To evaluate my piece, I would say that both might play an important role in your downfall, assuming you fall. If you aren't the sort to fail at least one common test per.. common test, then you can screw off because I don't like clever people. Or rather I'm insanely jealous of you so I am going to be angry with you.

Whereas some RJC students might say "get out of my elite, uncaring face" I say I do not care about your elite face. Especially if you laugh at me. That is because you only get an advantage due to LUCK and I am suffering because of my teachers. I'm not saying my teacher is bad. I'm just giving a hypothetical situation.

So I've given you a thesis, anti-thesis and synthesis, which would get me a Level 3 answer if I should submit this for an Economics paper (assuming I've inserted some random economics concepts, that's how Econs works - or doesn't). And should I write this for a GP essay, I should expect nothing less than an A grade.

However, life does not always promise you melons if you plant melons. Or rather, that is the case if you should be a student studying in JC. There is a Chinese saying, "种瓜得瓜，种豆得豆。"
Well in the modern context no one really grows melons or beans anymore. Especially not in a technology-intensive and resource-poor Singapore. So don't give me all that crap about you reap what you sow. I can prove to you that it is not true by a converse of the theorem, which yet again is another application of H3 Maths.

Even though I might be writing to you today about how unfair life can be, it doesn't say that my learning is all done in vain. As you can see, I am applying many of the skills I have learnt in JC to talking cock. Therefore learning is a lifelong process. (shown)

As such are the conclusions that I make when I try to prove something that I can't.

You get what I mean. Good luck to all of those still having Biology and Physics papers. You won't be getting your results soon, so you won't have to blame your teachers for them (should they be lousy) too soon. If you do well, then you'd better thank your lucky stars and try not to assume that she's a woman.

All right. With my highly sophisticated argument that has considered many diverse viewpoints, I think I can now end off my post. Though of course as this is talkcocksummit, you shouldn't take everything I said to heart and really go blame your teacher for everything. (Although you can. Einstein is good.)

But if you're a bloody dumbass who refuses to work, then you know you deserve your lousy grades. Ahahahaha. Loser.

Destress!

Have you ever wondered what people do to get extremely good results? Wonder no more! Here is what people actually do to maximise studying time!

#1 Don't care about hygiene. Shaving? That's for wussies. I mean look at Einstein, maybe it's all the hair that made him so smart. Hair=intelligence, doesn't matter where it grows out of. Maybe hair grows at places where there's a brain!

#2 Don't ever dig your nose. I mean, how can you study with your finger up your nose? Your hand would be a distraction while you're doing that. Not good. If your nose gets too clogged up, i recommend the vacuum cleaner. Gets the job done quickly and effectively.

#3 Despite not caring about hygiene, you still have to shit! If you don't shit you become so full of shit that you explode from all that pressure inside. Now what you don't have to do is wipe your ass. Your underwear will do the job for you. If you've ever wondered what underwear is for, that's what it's for.

Don't believe? Let me tell you about the evolution of the human underwear in human culture. Probably all of you know about the loincloth. Different places used different materials to make them. So people living in jungles used leaves, people living in savannahs used grass, and people living on the coast used leaves too (look at Hawaii). And people living in the desert used sandpaper ahaha, the root of grouchiness and resulting violence. But why was there the loincloth? Long time ago, people used leaves, sticks or whatever is at the place where they did their business for the important task of wiping their asses. But then they got sick of picking up something to use, only to find that it has been used by someone else for exactly the same purpose! ewwww. So anyway, they demanded personalised stuff, so someone smart invented the loincloth for wiping ass. It wasn't the cleanest way, but at least you know where it has been, and some are reusable. But slowly, people realised they didn't want others to find out they had just shit from the brown patch on their backside, so what did they do? They invented pants, and the loincloth evolved to become the underwear bcause it was no longer worn on the outside. But sadly, not many people know this piece of history.


#5 Showering. This is optional, for when you have time to enjoy life. Again, let us look at what history can tell us. Long ago, man was purely a land animal who didn't like water, just like the chimpanzees and gorillas. Then one day, while he was sitting on a rock on the seaside, he saw a mermaid. All the hormones sprang to life, and with a perverted grin, outstretched arms and weird grunting noises, the idiot jumped into the sea without a second thought. Needless to say, the man drowned and the mermaid swam away, disappointed. But the family of the drowned guy, who knew what happened, couldn't tell the others that he had been such an idiot. And so they made up a story, saying that the guy went into the sea and enjoyed it so much he floated away and never came back. Some believed it, and lo and behold, man learnt to swim, after much trial and error and deaths. What has this got to do with showering? Nothing. But the only reason i can think of for showering is to avoid body odour. Imagine that we were all selfish people who don't care about others' sense of smell and just stopped showering, and singapore wouldn't have to buy water from malaysia anymore.

another day in life

It's really really tough studying. And yet i am but one of so zillions of people who are working their ass off for results, an infinitesimally small speck of a vast and wondrous universe. But 星星之火，可以燎原。It's nice to take comfort in and revise chinese.

Contrary to popular belief, working hard doesn't make you stand out. At this time, slacking does. The forests of notes, endless trails of tutorials, coupled with the fact that nothing interesting ever seems to happen in life, and i agree. I mean, what's new in the papers everyday. The war continues in Iraq, explosion, people killed, Iraqis flee. The Amercians keep saying it'll get better, just like i do with my results. Car crash in Singapore, motorcycle crash, drunk driving, someone sentenced to jail. They say, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Yeah the tough go home.

You might think that there's really nothing you can do at home that will be of any great achievement, but some dude in the US has proven you wrong by achieving nuclear fusion at home. It is really complicated, i believe.

There are some things that i would like to understand but am too lazy to find out. Like, why are mountains such cold places? Shouldn't they be hotter cos they're closer to the sun. Random things like that.

Oh right, i saw an eternal optimist in Singapore. I think he's even more optimistic than George Bush about the Iraq war and me about my results. I saw this guy taking 4d tickets from the dustbin and laying them on the ground, checking to see if anyone saw wrongly and threw away a winning ticket by mistake. If he does find one, that would be true luck.

Back!

Finally able to start posting again after my old account is converted to this gmail one. Some interesting things have happened. Some have not, such as me scoring straight As for CTs, or even an A.

On the other hand, happy things have happened, such as the great conclusion of the water polo season! i got a gold medal, do you? Yeh it hangs nicely in my room now, and i would've taken a picture, together with my water polo cap and ball, except that i wouldn't.

*So imagine the picture here*

Retirement is blissful. No more trainings, total freedom with my time, freedom to study, study and study, which is not really freedom. Well act i do miss training now but that can't be helped.

Now, life consists of study and sports (ie the occasional basketball), which is quite healthy actually. If i keep up with this for the rest of my life, i'm probably eligible for the Nobel prize at some point in time.

and meanwhile during this hiatus, new insight has been found and developed. The observation has been made that theres an overwhelming number of girls in h3 chem. Obviously, that observation wasn't made by me, since being in a class of 20 guys and 5 girls, im rather used to it. zy the philosopher asks "All the girls are so smart, who are they gonna marry in the future?" Which then leads to his conclusion the guys of this era should just marry smart girls and be house-husbands and have fun! Which is not a bad idea. but must have enough people then can have fun together.

Well back to studying, i realise why i daydream so much. It's because my mind always wants to get away from studying and therefore thinks about other things. And it's actually at these times that all the imagination and creativity comes in. But as they say, too much of a good thing kills you, cos if you spend all the time imagining, you fail the A levels.

hmm so much for blogging.

Stupid incidents!

I AM SORRY FOR NOT POSTING FOR SO LONG!!!!

(but council is damn busy so i hope you all will understand. but then again, understand or not. it's MY blog. so i choose whether i want to update or not. the extract below is taken from my blog and yup enjoy lol.)

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naturally, if you're looking for some entertainment after your mugging, you've come to the right place. this post will be one filled full of rubbish.

let me recount to you a very stupid incident that happened a few days ago. tuesday, i believe, and i was just about to start mugging when my hp rang (or vibrated, rather). it's like, everytime i start to mug and this sort of shit happens, you can't really blame me for being unfocused right?

well anyway it was an unknown number but i gladly picked it up since i'm avaricious (or put simply: bloody miserly) and incoming calls were FREE. and i'm not being racist when i say i'm stunned to hear a male indian on the other end. the only male indian i know was like, shivi, and uhh i'd recognise his voice.

but ANYWAY guess what. he was one of those annoying telemarketeers advertising some credit card. waa not even gold, platinum some more. so the guy rattled on quite a bit about the benefits for the cards and ended every sentence with a "sir" (i'm flattered). up for a bit of mischief although i had zero knowledge about credit cards, i tried talking cock to him.

- you can use this card everywhere.
- everywhere? like, really, everywhere? (that's me)
- yes, everywhere.

then i was running out of stuff to say so i asked for more information and he was talking about application. after wasting like a good half of a minute (and delaying my mugging time, he fricking took away my momentum, arsehole) of my life, i decided to put it all to an end.

- well, that sounds very nice. i'm seventeen years of age by the way, where do you think is your nearest branch where i can apply for your.. platinum card?

a pause.

- uh, you're seventeen? well, maybe uh, we uh, got a recycled number. uh never mind it's okay, perhaps you could uh.. consider uh, signing up with us in the future.

cool. then he hung up. yup cos i took over my mother's hp number and this credit card company musta tried to be funny koping numbers. OH WELL.

today was another flabbergasting day of mugging. by using such complex and pointless words, it kinda shows my attitude towards mugging. COMPLEX. AND POINTLESS. i couldn't get the point of complex numbers, and i couldn't find any points for vectors. in the end i returned to my dearest topic Permutations & Combinations. (the very use of capitals shows my respect for the lovely topic)

well here are some sample questions (from revision w/s).

1. AJC2005/P1/Q10 (like wtf is going to refer to that anyway)
Doris, a matchmaker, is to organise a dinner for 4 men and 4 women. (that's btw quite sad)

(i) How many ways can she select these 8 people from a list of 10 men and 10 women?
Answer: 2. She can either choose the people she wants, or she picks them at random. Like duh.

let's try some other questions, shall we?

4. MI2005/P2/Q3
5 males and 4 females are to be seated around the table. Find the number of ways this can be done if (i) there is no restriction; (ii) all girls are seated together; (iii) one particular girl must sit between two particular boys.

(i) If there is no restriction and the males and females are couples, I think they might prefer the bedroom. And either way the last guy is going to feel quite left out so you're never going to get this group of people to sit round the damn table! Bo liao!

(ii) There are four females, but that doesn't mean there are four girls. Girls are subsets of females, not the other way round. The answer is zero as there might not be any girls after all. Thinking schools, learning nations - don't get tricked by this question.

(iii) As above. Don't be tricked!

so am i good or what. next question.

5. MJC2005/P1/Q5
this is a damn long question so i'll cut to the chase. no point beating around the bush when all you need is the question itself. "30 contestants are put into voting for two awards, and one student can win more than one award. how many ways are there to do this?"

i think there are three feasible ways.
no. 1 - electronic voting. technology is reliable.
no. 2 - ballot. you use paper like they do it election-style.
no. 3 - raising hands. primitive but still effective.

yay. and we have even more crap!

9. SAJC2005/P1/Q2
Find the number of different words that can be formed by using all the letters in the word REPETITION, if the first and the last letters are both (i) letter T, (ii) consonants.

(i) Zero. if you start and end with T, and try to fit in the other letters in the middle, you will find that you can't make any word that can be found in any English dictionary.

(ii) Possibly one or two at most. I can't foresee any words but let's give the benefit of the doubt, there are some very guai lan words out there. I'm no expert on linguistics, especially not in English.

10. SRJC2005/P1/Q5
zzz another long question. (a) has a lot of shit about icebreakers and shaking hands but in the end the question is just plain dumb. skip it please. (b) The civics tutor would like to take a picture of the class consisting of 12 boys and 5 girls standing in a row.

then it doesn't really matter anymore. because you know unless you buy the stupid lumix wide lens thingy, you're so not going to fit 17 people standing in a row. oh, and what's more, the question was set in 2005 when it's not out. so it's impossible. no picture.

by the way which retard wants to take a picture of the class with the guys standing in HEIGHT ORDER. while the girls just insert themselves anywhere? damn stupid.

11. TJC2005/P1/Q2
Four budget travellers, comprising 3 men and a lady (that's really gay), arrive at a budget hotel. There are only 4 rooms available for them to put up for a night. Find the number of ways in which they can check-in if..
(i) all of them occupy different rooms,
(ii) all 3 men occupy one room and the lady occupies another room,
(iii) ...

Answer: One. You check-in through the front counter.
(applies to all parts)

seriouslyyyyy p&c could do with more realistic questions. when you can't find the solutions to the questions, YOU QUESTION DA QUESTION!

yup that is all for entertainment today. go back to mug! don't be like me! the least we could expect, is to maintain the standards our seniors have set. well as i'm obviously not going to make it (despite being a veritable p&c PRO), y'all can go get the As with MY UBER L33T P&C TIPS!

yay!

Let's start the year with a lame joke

(I thought of this while walking through some cemetery in the south of France)

Q: Whats the similarity between a Christian cemetery and your marked test script?
A: It's full of crosses!

Told you it was lame.

Cultural Learnings of France for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Singapore

So im back finally, after a fantastic holiday! Hoooo! Now i gotta write down some stuff that i've learnt before the new year comes and the damned school starts.

No. 1
Look right then look left when crossing the road in France won't be necessary. Once you've looked right as you step out, bang!, byebye, you're dead because the vehicles go in opposite direction from Singapore. So you're supposed to look left then look right.

No. 2
In such a cold climate, everyone gives off smoke or whatever you call that white wispy thing when you breathe out. So from the back, it's virtually impossible to tell whether someone is smoking or they're just breathing in and out. Smokers rejoice! Less discrimination! Bad news for normal people. You won't know whether you're walking into bad breath or 2nd hand smoke or both!

No. 3
All the blacks think you're Japanese so they go "konichiwa" at you. Might be wise to take a samurai sword along and teach them a lesson on ethnicities.

No. 4
It's really true when the government says that Singapore has international recognition. All the French know there's a Singapore, they just think that it's a part of China, that's all. So if ever there's a World War, be rest assured, we're safe, nobody knows where Singapore is.

No. 5
School sucks. Well not much difference there, but their school ends later, so it sucks more.

Shall continue it soon... i hope

What do you call..

..the 31st December?

New Year's Eve.

..the 30th December?

The Eve of New Year's Eve.

..the 29th December?

The Eve of The Eve of New Year's Eve.

..the 28th December?

The Eve of The Eve of The Eve of New Year's Eve.

..the 27th December?

The Eve of The Eve of The Eve of The Eve of New Year's Eve.

..the 26th December?

The Eve of The Eve of The Eve of The Eve of The Eve of New Year's Eve?

Hell no - that's Boxing Day.

---------

Sorry about that, I know it was kind of retarded. Anyway a few ideas I thought that I would like to accomplish for next year.. if you like the idea, we can work on it together. After all, we should always share good things eh.

WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR 2007

1. Kope Elango's bike
For those who don't know, Elango is this bastard security guard working for RI/RJ. Recently he has been kinda MIA and missing around school (and no we're not being racist here), but when he's around he barks at yowls at people. Sounds like a dog? He probably came from one. He also likes cycling around the school on the prowl for strangers. Duh, what do you expect, he's a security guard.

One day, I am SO going to ride off with his bicycle and see his reaction. Classic.

2. Play punk on Day One
Find some time to go back to RI and pretend to be the Sec 1. Height is no object, so long you speak fluent Chinese they'd think you're a China scholar. Going back to RI and blending with the n00b crowd has been my hobby since.. the start of this year. The Peer Support Leader (PSL) at the Junior Block thought I belonged to his class. Poor little sod. And now he's coming over to RJC where I do the orientation!!

What goes around comes around. For him trying to pull rank on me earlier this year (in January), I'm going to punk him when he comes to RJC. But before that, go punk some Sec 4s again. All you need is a pair of shorts, an RI shirt, and a confused look on your face. For the win.

3. Clean sweep "A" levels
Somehow this just had to come out. My assortment of grades this year was probably far from satisfactory - for I achieved EVERY GRADE POSSIBLE. Except "E". SomEhow. Next year, I want to be able to scream out my grades. Get the same thing as the name of the exams.

I think this is the best resolution ever. Because I won't know if I accomplished it in the same year. This way, I can tell myself at the end of the year that "ah this is one resolution that I probably accomplished". It's difficult to tell yourself at the end of the year that you actually accomplished the resolution at the start of it, unless you're a good liar or unless your resolutions are that easy to fulfil. Then there's no kick.

The classic New Year lame joke:

What's your New Year resolution?
Oh, 1024 x 768.

Tactics of the middle-class

I'm in the mood, in the mood!

Today we will cover survival tactics. In modern Singapore, you might think that it's redundant and trashy to learn about whatever survival crap. But you never know when it comes in handy! It is precisely in modern, cold and heartless Singapore where survival tactics are absolutely (and I say ABSOLUTELY YEA) important for one's well-being.

In the struggle for economic growth, it is inevitable that people get left behind. Yup I know I'm sounding like some Social Studies student giving bullshit (that's what I used to do anyway) - but hey if Singapore was that good you won't have aunties selling tissues at three packets for one dollar right.

They think it's romantic, the way the auntie sings her one-dollar song. But she's a nuisance and a victim of the social system. The rich only gets richer and the poor gets poorer, as other societies have proven. I don't know which one specifically, but that's quite a catchphrase so let's just apply it in Singaporean context. The rich DO get richer.

But me, I'm definitely NOT rich. Born in mediocrity, I've lived my entire life in mediocrity.. until my pocket money got cut for these holidays. Rationale given: I don't need to go to school so my upkeep is lower.

Yea right. Then Council calls us back for Orientation prep every day and I see my money diminishing like the way the fish in a fish farm disappears in a flash flood. (That's kind of a tongue twister anyway, real cool.)

In the middle-class it's make or break. You either get richer or poorer. But one tilt to the poor side, and I'm almost down the proverbial poverty cycle (you gotta thank PW for this). With less than $50 to spend a week, ALL EXPENSES INCLUDED, I started to devise some tactics for the middle-class tilting towards poverty. Very useful, or at least it kinda works for me.

1. Food
Most important. Unfortunately sometimes you can't control your hunger pangs and when you need to eat, you need to eat. For someone as great as I am, I have GREAT hunger pangs too. And the important lesson to learn here is that we, members of the middle-class, go for quantity not quality.

With $2 in hand and a dinner to go - which do you choose? A baguette, 80% of ban mian (you could try your luck with the auntie), nasi lemak from S11, or biscuits from NTUC?

The answer is very simple, but only a true middle-class citizen would get it.

You don't buy anything, but you go home and drink tap water. Or if you're afraid of drinking up red rust along with dangerous sodium- or magnesium-based chemicals, you could boil the water. No difference since it's free anyway. Water can contain your hunger for a while, and if you spam so much that you're bloated, hunger will float away from you.

If this fails, an allowance of fifty cents can be given so you can spam tau huay zui (soya bean). Make sure its hot and you take it down in one gulp. Either that or you go and sleep. Run 10km, spam water, then collapse on your bed. Absolutely economical.

2. Transport
Quite obviously I'm an advocate for healthy living, because as YL has mentioned before and as I'd like to reiterate, I'm an enemy of the public transport system. Just that running about too much has taken its toll on me and I've now damaged both knees (jacked). That's why I took the MRT yesterday.

But as much as possible, you must consider all possible transport options. Taxis are a definite no-no. Somehow supply of taxis doesn't go very well with demand and in the midst of all that supply-demand shit the price just keeps increasing. Gay. As if it wasn't bad enough that GST is going up and so are bus fares.

Solution - boycott taxis. I've lived without them for five years and I'm still surviving. If you are in a hurry and the bus/train won't get you there on time, it's where your improvisation comes in. For example, if you are stuck at RJC you could kope Elango's bike and just scoot off.

Those bloody security guards, they leave their bikes around too much anyway. If ever you have to do it one day, make sure it's Elango's bike you take. That old fagut barks far too much for my liking, and I'm not afraid to blog about it because he IS quite a fagut.

When I say "consider all options", I really mean consider all options. Say I'm at Toa Payoh Lorong 1 trying to get to Junction 8, do I take the bus, the train, or walk? With time constraint, walking isn't really possible so you'd have to accept the alternatives. However, I'd say the train would be better for such a case as they charge 40 cents as opposed to the bus's 45 cents.

(If you do this for eight days consecutively, you'd save 40 cents. Which means you can spend more on FOOD - the cheapest mineral water in NTUC (500ml) costs merely 40 cents, a bargain. The wonders of saving money, you never know. Many a mickle makes something big, I forgot the proverb but yea basically you can accumulate LOTS OF MONEY by saving small everyday.)

The economists were right. You DO consider opportunity cost everyday.

And don't listen to all that crap where time is money. Time ISN'T money. Not now anyway, so it's okay to be late if it doesn't cost you any job options. You might call it a bad attitude, but hey, for the sake of MONEY, why not!

A bad attitude does not cause you any money. Remember that. However, a bad approach to public transport does. Just remember LTB - Legs, Trains, Buses (for short distance). Taxis aren't an option. You could use interesting acronyms to help - Love The Bus, Let Them Be, yea whatever you get my point.

3. Love
Where should you bring your girlfriend for a HOT lunch date?

A restaurant? A nearby hawker centre? Mcdonald's?

If you've been paying any attention at all and absorbing what I'm saying, you'll find that the best type of girlfriend a middle-class guy could have is no girlfriend. If you want to do something you might as well do it to the best of your ability. Thus, what's the point of having a girlfriend when you can't spend anything on her? Better get out of that poverty cycle first, dammit.

Anyway, a restaurant is too expensive, a hawker centre is too cheapskate, and there's the possibility of meeting the Bishan Gay in Mcdonald's so I'm giving you a real option here. If you REALLY have to have love, meet your date at RJ canteen. The yong tau foo there is quite reasonably priced, unlike the S11 faguts.

Oh and there's a Seven-Eleven coming up at RJ yay! That way you could get a SUPER BIG GULP to share with your loved one. They are cheaper when bought in HUGE QUANTITY. Even though you are supposed to save when you can, it doesn't hurt to buy more if it's value for money. No point buying a GULP and that's it, it's all over in one gulp.

And another thing: one plate of food is enough. Same goes with the drinks - you only need to order one. Then you can share it with your boyfriend/girlfriend and have a romantic lunch date. Though of course we all know it's all down to the bloody same old motive of saving money LOL. But shh, if he/she doesn't know, it only means he/she doesn't NEED to know. So there! Romantic, shared meals for the win!

4. Everything and anything else
Well I've covered the most important things in life - so the others don't really matter. When it comes down to luxury or necessity, anything that's not a necessity is obviously redundant. What you need to survive - food, transport, love (for some) has already been covered. So anything else is a luxury and you must learn how to do without it in the middle-class.

In short, everything and anything else, you can live without it. So do it.

That's most of the stuff for the middle-class. They do not necessarily represent my views or what I do in real life, but when I say "do not necessarily" I mean "it's possible". This is open to interpretation and I'm not saying that the rich are spoilt or anything. It's the fault of society and it's the fault of the way things work.

Therefore, I'd just like to say cheers and have fun leading an enriched middle-class life. Somehow you will derive joy for every cent you scrimp and save. Seriously haha.

Nouvelles observations du MRT

Shit, I'm half-scared out of my wits. The other half of me is scared of the "A" levels coming up just soon. I can't imagine how time flies but the hols flew by me, and now I'm faced with a brand new year looking to come in just four days time.

And after being bloody curious last year wondering what J1 orientation would be like, this year it is our turn making OUR J1s curious.

That is the main reason to why I'm not blogging. But the reason why I am blogging here now is not because the work has stopped (Council work never does), but rather, as I mentioned earlier, because I'm half-scared out of my wits.

Today was the day I almost got killed. Or concussed. I could be lying down blogging from my hospital bed, but thanks to some stroke of luck, I didn't.

As usual I'm sidetracking, but here's the story.

I was walking back from the MRT, and I started thinking about my hols. Which kinda meant I was thinking of the time wasted. Whenever I reflect about such stuff, I start going into self-angst and self-bitch mode, like "why in the @#*^@% world did I do this instead of mugging Chemistry?" Which in the end is rather inconclusive.

Then, my thoughts wandered to this blog, the pride and joy of the three of us for one whole year. Its current state of neglect, and sigh..

Still, I thought that I was busy and therefore I had every right to neglect it. After all, it's not my problem if I don't update my blog (the arsehole in me has been strong these hols). It's MY blog, and I update it whenever I like.

May I remind you that with the current rainy weather now, the floor was slippery and it was at this precise moment, when I was entertaining this thought, I suddenly slipped forward. Next, the giant tree I was standing next to suddenly gave a great rumbling sound. And WTH a big branch from the giant tree just happened to uh, dislodge itself and fall onto the ground with a large thump!

RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

Wa baskit I was damn scared - and to all trees in the Toa Payoh precinct, I am now updating my blog! Please don't do that to me ever again.

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Today I made some revolutionary new discoveries about Singaporeans on the MRT. Gone are the days where YL stands on the train and observes the Singaporean world at his vantage point. The silly sod went to France and then Hong Kong so he's certainly not updated with the current state of affairs.

Let ME bring you the world of the MRT now.

WRT TO THE MRT (With respect to the Mass Rapid Transit, you've gotta respect them with 1 million commuters daily, or so they claim)

The Singaporeans are pretty much the same when they board the train. Everyone has every right to call us a kiasu bunch because WE are a kiasu bunch. At City Hall when the doors open it's the North-to-East commuters against the East-to-North commuters. And the shoving and all starts.

Usually I'd stand and wait, but today I was itching for some action so I ploughed right into the working-hour crowd. Some punk who obviously didn't work banged into me. Kind of a bad choice to start trouble today, I didn't know some punk would be there. My attempt at being kiasu left me being humji instead. Tsk.

Anyway right after that the whole bunch of kiasu fags (including me) got on the train, and you must be thinking they are doing this so they could secure a seat for themselves? That's what I bloody thought. Apparently there are too many civic-conscious people writing into the forums nowadays, for I could see at least three seats around the carriage unoccupied.

Like what the hell? You rush onto the train so you can pole dance while the silly train jerks back and forth? (Train drivers are lousy nowadays.)

As there were very few pregnant ladies and senior citizens around, I kinda hovered near the seats. Next stop - Dhoby Ghaut. People got off and on, but still no one sat. Certainly there were people who deserved the seat more than me, but I wasn't going to give them a chance if they really didn't want to sit.

Try taking the train at peak hour next time. Maybe you'll experience this phenomenon. I can't believe it - is it that those working class people have been sitting on their arses all day long and are so sick of being in the sitting posture that they just stand? Or are they afraid that sitting might significantly increase their chances of being too slow of getting out of the train.

Damn, I'll never know now. Perhaps in a few years time.

I just sat down and was thankful for the seat. Seems like you don't really have to rush to get a seat. You just need to get on a train full of dumbasses. Or perhaps you would call them citizens with high civic consciousness, who fear sitting down lest some guy reports them to the forums.

That's the only plausible explanation. And thus concludes my new observations on the MRT.