Work and Stress

After about a week at work, it's blindingly obvious that it's not very good for health. Stress has been blamed for everything from natural disasters such as earthquakes (stress at points where tectonic plates meet) to serial killers (school schooters and stabbers must have been pretty stressed up) to suicide cases (nothing new there). Work causes stress, and by work I mean a chore that you don't actually like doing, but you do it for money, or simply because you're forced to, like half the population in singapore. Though they'd like you to think you're doing it for pride, honour, glory, family, friends, country, security, society, anything but forced labour.

Back to stress. It differs very much in the work that is bring done, but one can tell the nature of the work from the stress levels. Let's illustrate an example in a graph, because they make everything look professional, and everyone fall asleep.
























The x-axis shows the time, and the y axis shows stress levels. I would believe stress is normally measured by blood pressure, but in this case i shall use cm^3 instead, the assumption being that if the stress levels are more than the volume of the brain, the brain will just explode. But i digress.

This graph depicts the profile of someone who goes "above self, beyond duty, many extras". The day starts off relatively calmly at 8am. Optimism is in the air, it is going to a great day of accomplishment and satisfaction, and you have the world at your feet. It's as if everyone standing up is giving you a standing ovation to celebrate your messianic presence at work. You enjoy the peaceful walk to your office, and your stress levels instantly increase upon seeing that stack of paper on your table. But sitting at the table, surrounded by your dear friends Printer, Computer, Pen and Paper, it's impossible not to get a warm feeling of familiarity. Getting 'in the zone', one draws up a to-do list and it's almost like conquering the world. On a high, adrenaline rush, it seems as though one can finally reach the holy grail of productivity. Thus, the stress levels remain relatively stable till about 12.

Then, it's time for lunch, time to think about where to eat. A little stressful sometimes, especially when the food sucks, but it's not really a problem. After lunch, it gets really tiring, and all that has been done for the day is the to-do list. So it's a dilemna. To sleep or not to sleep? If you sleep, precious time is lost, and if you don't, you're incapacitated mentally.

And as you decide, time ticks by anyway oblivious to your whining, and in the end you fall asleep anyway, because it's hard to stay awake. Wake up at 3, and realise it's really really close to the magical time of 5pm. Try to change the world again, but people won't pick up your calls, or not in, or whatever. You realise that it's ultimately futile, and continue to lay in a collapsed heap at your desk. That is, until 5pm acutually hits like a sledgehammer to your frontal cortex. There are 2 options:

a) fuck off and go home

b) stay and work and feel pathetic

b is the option shown by the graph above, because when 6pm hits and then 7pm, there's an increasing sense of desperation as each hour at work leads to one less hour at home enjoying. And finally, the brain can't take it anymore and explodes, leading to a bunch of happy retards running around at work. And that is the end state.

Left for Dead

My situation: stay out, subject to no work.

So that's more or less like I'm a part of the normal Singapore workforce, unlike most people studying. I've learnt a lot, and the things to hate about work. Like meetings. Many scenarios can happen after a meeting is scheduled:

Meeting cancelled: yeeeyy

Fall sick and stay home: yeyy

Assuming that both of these don't happen, be prepared for a rather shitty time, with bullshit being the main focus. It generally starts out fine, everyone's optimistic many things can resolved somehow by more talking heads, talking heads that never appear except for meetings with a big boss. But when the agenda drags on for more than half an hour, morale dips to 'cb another dedication of my life to my country' levels and everyone sits a little lower in their chairs. Then, you watch with horror as everyone starts to morph into zombies. You, my friend, are the survivor, and here's where my new characters for the computer game Left for Dead comes in.

The Bull: Works like the character Boomer, but instead of spewing a disgusting, sticky goo, this one emanates shit like nobody's business. bullshit. Usually starts with "i think we can blahblahblah..." or "In my previous unit, we did blahblahblah..." You know that's an enormous catastrophe, it's like you see the asteroid casting a shadow as it comes crashing into earth and you just cross your trembling fingers and hope that the bullshit doesn't land splat in your face. The bull usually spawns close to Legolas (see below)

Ultimate move: Bullshit Storm
This is a sad way to die as your spirit, your intelligence, your dignity are all crushed mercilessly by the tonnes of bullshit falling from the sky. You are finally covered, and not a trace of you can be seen.

The Finger A: The finger A says "Oh this thing is X do one. You can ask him about that." or " Oh i thought X was supposed to do that as we agreed on during the last meeting" (X may be a zombie too so in that case you can watch a zombie-fight for once!). But sometimes this isn't a wise move because it's so directly confrontational. And what if the minutes prove it wrong? Then the finger would be pointing back at itself!

Ultimate move: Finger Stab
If you get this, you end up with holes all over your body from the finger stabs. From those holes, pple know they can fuck you.

The Finger B: The finger B is a more evolved version of the finger B and has an attribute of 20 for subtlety. It says, "I take full responsibility for the shit that happened... but actually it's his fault not my fault" The absurdity of this sentence is sometimes clouded by the zombie-ish setting. It's like saying," I'm sorry but actually i'm not sorry"

Ultimate move: Finger Stab (with longer fingernail than above)
See above, with twice the damage.

The Brain: woah this zombie is smart. Somehow through gossip and stuff, this zombie actually knows everything that's going on, but that doesn't mean it has done anything about it. But because it knows everything, it is assumed it did or was involved in the work. Nobody can lift a finger against the brain because it just knows too much.

The Goat: The goat is the noobiest of the zombies. Most of the time, it gets the blame for every shit that happens. The goat must be in the unique position that its not junior enough to "act blur live longer" and not senior enough to "wah lau it's all my stupid insubordinate subordinate's fault". So why should you fear the goat? Because the goat's bleatings can be damn irritating, like a witch's screech. The goat will say stuff like this," so now everything is my fault loh, but I did so and so and -tonnes of excuses later- proceeds to gore you with horns if you walk away. And of course you, the cynical you, will be thinking to yourself, "Now you're bleating yourself silly about the shit that happens to you when all you've been doing is leaving crap all over the place."

Ultimate move: Death Bleat

Legolas
Handsome, dashing Legolas is the champion of the show. Shooting arrows all over the place, this is the man you need to keep clear of, or keep within ass-kissing distance of, depending on what type of person you are. The undoubted leader, his fearsome arrows put the fear of god into the hearts of all present.

Ultimate move: Arrow Fury
You die a horrible death, with arrows sticking through all of your body

Your job, being the survivor, is as the name suggests, to survive. Though it's not easy, i wish you luck! And because my inexperience has limited my imagination, i recommend that you read Dilbert for the ultimate survival guide!